A secret binge eater

[hurried]

I am seeking, rather than offering advice. I have to be honest, if I could I would eat all day, and I will often have large amounts of carbs in one sitting. I put my toddler in the car today to drive myself us to a local shop to buy carbs- I have nothing against carbs, I haven't been trying to avoid them, I just started on my child's breakfast biscuits this morning and went into a frenzy, finishing off the whole pack. I was stuffing them as soon as I brought them. I looked in the mirror and saw my child watching me. I felt so ashamed and thought I would be so embarrassed if anyone saw me.

Today was a terrible day. My son has had chicken pox and both been in all week and suddenly it got to me. I can't talk to my GP about this, and I don't have friends that wouldn't judge me for this. So I am seeking support here x

HurriedThankyou....I didn't want my children having food issues like me...and they don't I don't binge now and I credit this to Paul McKenna and Overcoming Overeating. I still have to stop myself picking while I'm cooking but that is a habit I'm working on. It also kills my appetite so I don't enjoy my dinner which is sad really. The Paul thread I have been on for a year has been amazing as we all support each other to never diet again and to eat normally.

I think another question, I have and am trying to solve is what to have after a binge.. I tend to find, if I have scoffed a whole load of food, I think "stuff it" (excuse pun) for the rest of the day. I know that doesn't make logical sense but I think a combination of the effect binge has on blood glucose levels and the psychological process of thinking I haven't used food to nourish, and thinking I have eaten 6000 kcal what's the point of caring... again, I realise that doesn't make sense but that is what keeps it going for me. I also find after a binge my lizard brain is having a field day, I feel so tired and sluggish I don't feel like doing anything. I am confessing all here, I know it's awful and to be honest, greedy and illogical!

MillyMillyme It's great your kids don't have food issues. Such a great start to life. OOOO the picking when cooking - me too, however, this isn't so ba when cooking something with loads of veg- not that I am patient enough to do this sometimes.

Hurried I used to have that " start again tomorrow" attitude and continue overeating anything and everything because tomorrow I will be back to dieting!! Now that I never diet I never binge. I don't need to because I don't deny myself anything. Does that make sense at all?

Yes Millymillyme, maybe I do think I have some "diet issues" however, it's more I feel I have achieved something if I haven't binged. I then feel energised and happy. Yet I feel I have failed when I do, does that make sense?

another OP recommended "obese- a year to save my life" (I think that's the title) and I have to say, I really relate to those folk. They all seem to turn to food for comfort and exactly the same way I do. I worry as I do have a "oh blow it" attitude and I'm sure I could develop real weight/health problems. The frustrating thing i, I can watch that type of programme and be really wishing the participant well, but can find myself getting annoyed with them too- yet I do exactly the same things. It's a fine line between self loathing and at the same time "letting yourself off the hook".

I was thinking about it all just now. If I even think about dieting and manage to do it for a day say, that will bring on horrible feelings of emotion where I feel bad for hurting myself yet again. Then my eating becomes disordered for that day until I adjust to non diet mode again.

When I have binged, it ruins my whole day, I feel tired I get brain "fog", it's more than just the thought of having gained a few pounds in a few moments. It's the way I feel, yet I continue to do it, I'm sure there are some words of wisdom somewhere that says a foolish person makes the same mistakes again and again, I almost purposely drive myself to the edge of the cliff. The only thing for me, is be busy, and to be physically somewhere I'm not thinking about food too much, or if I am it's somewhere I am looking forward to food for nourishment and to relieve true hunger. When I have a day using it to comfort feelings it feels great at the time, euphoric even. I must admit, a long run or drugs must be the only other things I have to comfort akin to that received off carbs.

Going back to carbs, I honestly they are not bad if eaten in small quantities and a dietitian has rolled her eyes at me when I mentioned going on a low carb diet and part of me feels it can't be healthy, but anyway would be healthier than what I'm doing at the moment surely.

Hi Hurried, I hope you don't mind me popping in, I find this thread very interesting.

I'm the one who mentioned Obese - A year to save my life. Yes you are right about it being hard to always remain loyal to the participants. One thing that Jessie Pavleka promotes is self love and also self responsibility. I love him because I find him wholesome and responsible (who knows maybe it is just his general hotness that has swayed me ! (-; ). He used to be a body builder but turned his back on that because the lifestyle was so unhealthy, food was being used to mutate the body rather than nourish it. The more I find out about his approach to food and exercise the more I am attracted to that positive attitude!

By the way you mentioned upthread how you have a stop button for alcohol, how you simply feel full after 2 glasses of wine. I am the opposite, I have a stop button with food, no bother really, but I really have to monitor myself with alcohol. I have to fight against having more. I also crave it during the week and consider it unacceptable so don't drink it at home during the week. If I let loose I will drink until I fall down. I'm not an alcoholic (parent had alcohol issues), but alcohol is a problem for many family members. It is only now in my mid-thirties that I am realising just how skewed my entire families attitude to alcohol is. I never realised some people have a similar attitude to carbs. Of course in some ways it is easier to avoid alcohol as 1. it's socially unacceptable for mum's to drink to excess, and 2. I cannot have hangovers in work and 3 it would be really bad parenting to model the behaviour of very regular, excessive drinking to my kids. That behaviour was modelled to us as children (only 1 parent - not an eye batted by the surrounding family and community as lots of other families worked in the same way). Sorry I am derailing massively! The link between the addiction of excessive eating and drinking is only becoming clear to me now.

Some people (even if not alcoholics) will drink until they vomit and some will eat until they are physically sick and want to vomit. How sad that people succumb to what is ultimately a form of self harming. Anyway enough waffle from me.

I know I'm simplifying it here hurried but I used to feel very foggy too Yeats ago after eating loads of carbs and sugar. It's the insulin surge and then the high and then the crash and then the need for more of the same to get the high again. In the end though you just feel rock bottom because you have abused your body again. I also now wait for that lovely " true " hunger signal before eating anything. Why don't you read a Paul McKenna I can make you thin book. He really has done his research into diets and how they cause us to binge and have disorded eating. He helps you to see yourself in a different light and when you have binged rather than continue he helps you to get back on track and forgive yourself and get back on track immediately. I'm probably older than most of you ( apologies if I'm not ) and if I could go back in time I would have wished to have had this understanding of my disorder eating years ago.

The hypno relaxation tape for reprogramming your disorder eating is lovely. Helps you to really really relax.

you have pursuaded me, I'm open to any help. I have some other books coming too! I'm 36 btw :-) (I probably sound very immature I should imagine :-) )

Milly not especially healthy in terms of eating, and he loves a pint or two, but he is very fit - trains every day. I think I'm grossly unattractive whilst doing it, and I am ashamed of it. It's very much a solitary thing - like someone said above I don't binge in public because I am conscious of what people will think.

I also found Paul M to be of little help to be honest. I have had hypnotherapy too and that didn't work either...

Worth a try Hurried join us on the Paul McKenna thread number 13 if you want. Not many of us on there but those that are on it have been doing it for about 3 years now. It really can help with the cause of overeating but obviously you have to put in the mental work and do the exercises in the book and listen to the CD. We are all there to share and help you if you want.
Heir I can understand not wanting to overeat in front of DH. Do you and he never buy lots of foods you love and go home and watch a film and eat though? Like crisps, dips, chocolate, icecream, etc? Do you allow yourself to eat a lot of your normal meals and snacks in front of him or do you eat like a mouse so he thinks you don't have a big appetite?
Im 52 but people are very shocked by that as they think im mid to late thirties.....ha ha ...Go Me!!. Good genes in our family. I know its hard, I really do but I wish I could have sorted out my eating when I was in my mid thirties then I wouldn't have wasted all those years not liking myself in the mirror and having a love/hate relationship with food.

Heir why do you think Paul Mck didn't work for you if you don't mind me asking. Did you find it easy to stick to the four mindful eating rules?

Wow, this thread is growing - and getting ever more revealing

Milly at looking 15 years younger than you are! That'll be all the EFA's . Your reply about your parents was really interesting - and sad. The relationship is definitely not great is it . You may not even want to try - understandably, it will be painful and you are maybe still holding lots of feelings of anger inside that little box you mention - but I do feel that if you could forgive your parents (and if your Dad is ill it may be a very good time to do so), you may find you struggle less with the body issues you still say you battle with. Do you believe that your mum's controlling behaviour was driven by love? Do you think she felt pressure to be slim herself - culturally it was as big an issue 30-40 years ago as it is now - and felt it a favour to you to teach the same control she tried to exert over her own diet? Or did she feel having an overweight child would reflect badly on her? Whatever the motives, you surely understand that they were her issues that she was imposing on you, rather than anything being actually about you? Maybe she (and your dad, you don't say so much about him) had their own troubled upbringing? The things Hurried said about her friend treating children with eating issues and the problem lying with the parents...so true. My teacher says that if a child is referred to him with eating issues he always has a consultation with the parents first because it is always, always the parents that have the issue, never the child (even if problems manifest themselves through the child) - something to keep in mind. Maybe try and parent your parents....tough though...

I'm coming back after my dinner with more thoughts...especially for hurried

Sleep yep, definitely the oils and fats I eat and I have always eaten loads of veg and fruit. love love love veg, especially green veg. How weird am I.
I have forgiven but not forgotten. I had to forgive to be able to meet them last year.
I don't believe her controlling behaviour was driven by love, it was driven by vanity. Vanity to have a slim daughter. She was embarrassed if I wasn't dressed perfectly or looked scruffy or if I looked fat. It might be her issue but she made it my issue as when you are treated like this from the beginning it becomes part of you. She and my dad probably did have troubled upbringings, many people do but I don't give them that as an excuse because I had a crap childhood which I made the best of but I have not passed that onto my kids. I read so many books on bringing up children positively . I cuddled them, comforted them, praised them and taught them right from wrong in a positive way.
My mother said to my daughter last year at the restaurant, "you and I don't need to diet do we" . My daughter felt sorry for me and angry and wanted to have a go but she didn't. She said a few other stupid remarks about me too in front of my kids. O...and I spent my childhood parenting them and often felt like the adult.
Anyway, sorry this is not my thread. Maybe its helpful though for hurried to hear from others as to why they feel they have binged over the years. Sometimes others stories ring bells and you can see yourself in them.

Hurried - soup is great! I am currently having a bit of a love affair with roasted butternut squash soup with chilli and ginger .

My latest thing that occurs to me with your posts Hurried is you are really so very hard on yourself. So many posts, you put yourself down - 'I'm a pig', 'I must sound immature', 'my posts are incomprehensible', 'I look so awful most of the time', 'I feel so guilty for getting out of the house', 'I feel vain and self-indulgent for wanting to look great'. . List out all these harsh criticisms you have about yourself out in a list (just for you) - see how mean you are being (!) and then try and counter each one with a logical, rational argument that you may have with a friend saying the same thing about themself!

I would say, just from reading your posts and without meeting you, you sound highly intelligent, write very eloquently and you are kind, a loving mother, curious, intellectual and sympathetic towards others. How about adding to this positive list, every day for a month, at least 3 things - however small they may be - 'I can do the splits', 'my child adores me', 'I can rap all the words to the Sugar Hill Gang's 'Rapper's Delight', 'I make fantastic soup', 'I can walk for 5 miles and feel great', 'I have lovely ankles' ....they are all great and make you you. Every day you will have a longer and longer list to look at and appreciate!

You haven't said too much about your relationship with DH or your family, how are those?

By the way, please, I've said it before but please try and forget the idea of losing weight/dieting at the moment, focus on great quality food, enjoying it and nourishing your body. I get the impression this is being slightly derailed by your thoughts about what you 'should' and 'shouldn't' be eating . As you've said yourself, you aren't hugely overweight, once you are feeling happier and healthier I am sure it will seem easy to shift any extra pounds.

Milly - I hear you - you sound angry...with good reason (and I'm sure we have only heard part of the story here)! I have lots of issues with my own mum and she definitely knows how to push my buttons. I can't say that I have forgiven her for many things in my childhood either - so I am definitely suggesting something I am struggling with myself. I do believe though, that if we harbour bad feelings we are ultimately prolonging the pain for ourselves...we certainly aren't going to change the way our parents feel about anything whether we forgive them or not - in fact, they probably wouldn't even think they have done anything that they should be forgiven for! So its only us it makes a difference to in the end....

Molly - you are so right about your observation about binge eating being similar to alcohol abuse or even self-harm. Interestingly, I read a post on another forum about eating disorders where someone actually won a bikini ('natural' bodybuilding) competition - at which point she had a moment of realisation that she too was abusing her body, through over-control of food and over-exercising. She had finally achieved the 'perfect' body - validated by an entire judging panel - and was shocked to realise that she was just as miserable and had all the same problems as she had before she lost a lot of weight..if not more (awful mood swings, no period, problem skin)...so self-abuse takes many forms and a slim and beautiful body does not guarantee anything...

Robots well done on getting to the gym. It sounds like you felt great afterwards, keep focusing on that, most regular exercisers do . Stop worrying about keeping it up/being able to afford it, just keep going, regard every day you do a bit of exercise as 'money in the bank' for your health and fitness (physical and mental) . Day by day, baby steps...the body you are meant to have is there, it may just be hiding for a while - treat it well and in time it will reveal itself!

Yes Sleep your right. They are most likely oblivious to how they have been. I just try and love them and appreciate them as they are now. Older people who are not in the best of health. I try and think with my "adult" head on rather than my "child" head. Until a button is pressed like this thread, I forget and don't even think about it. I have moved on and left all that behind me. But I have my triggers and they seem to be more apparent since they came back into my life. My lovely DH said last year that it would be a rollercoaster ride for the next year trying to get my head round everything and he was right. I do sometimes think it would have been easier if they had not come back into my life as it is surely for their benefit that they have done this, not mine but I could not hurt them and turn them away now unless they do or say something (anything really) that really really angers me. It is very fine line. When they told me by email that my dad had an illness
my first reaction was to cry and then to feel angry that they have come back into my life and now they are going to go again. It is very very hard.
Thank you for listening to me rant though. I feel very tearful when I write but that is a good thing I think and I will probably go back to forgetting about it again now.

Where do you live Sleep. America? I have to say I love love love homemade soups. Yesterday I had butternut squash, carot and ginger. OMG it was so delicious. I love parsnip and cumin too but I must admit to a fondness for Heinz tinned Tomato soup.
Do you have children? He he......sorry just don't know much about you and you have been sooo kind listening to us.

Sorry Milly I didn't mean to pry into such personal stuff and upset you....rant as much as you want though, I am pretty sure Hurried doesn't regard the thread as 'hers' so much as group therapy . Your DH sounds lovely.

Heinz tomato soup...OMG now that is definitely a taste of childhood - in a good way . I should get some!

I live in London but I am a (long escaped) South Wales valleys girl ! 40 years old, SAHM - but possibly not for much longer judging by the numbers of people joining this thread , lovely DH and 2 DS's aged 8 and 3 and a DD, 5.

Well.....nice to meet you Sleep
I live in North Wales and I love it but am Australian originally. Lived in London for ten years when first married then moved back up here so the kids could grow up in this beautiful place. Do you ever think of moving back to South Wales? DH is Welsh and a Welsh Speaker (as they all are up here), kids speak Welsh and I speak a little. Do you?
What a lovely way to think of this thread...."Group Therapy". Seems like you have your first non paying (he he!!) clients Sleep.

I went to the gym again today - while my daughter was in an activity in the same building. Gosh it feels good. It really isn't much (30 minutes of heart warming activity, and at a very slow pace!) but it feels good.

My aim is to get fit enough to start the couch to 5 k. I started it once before but my achilles wasn't strong enough and I'd love to be fit enough to have another go. Goals like that motivate me.

I've also bought some new clothes. This is a very big thing! I've had issues for as long as I remember with spending money on myself, especially clothes and have been wearing ill fitting supermarket clothes (where I keep changing shape). I've got a few very "me" tops and a necklace and feel so very different. I still look large but I look "me" in nice clothes and large rather than ill fitting.

I've always said I'd wait until I lost weight but the clothes with the gym and I feel so much more positive. I've probably had too many calories today but I've been eating at sensible times and not binged either, just mid morning and mid afternoon snakc.

Hope everyone else is doing ok> I just wanted to share my encouraging day.

Thanks for the thread Hurried, and the group therapy, Sleep!!

Well done Little small steps. Buying nice clothes for yourself is hard isn't it. I still find it difficult to spend money on anything for myself. Glad you had a positive day