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Weight loss chat

A space to talk openly about weight loss journeys and challenges. Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. You may wish to speak to a medical professional before starting any diet.

A secret binge eater

279 replies

hurried · 12/09/2013 18:17

I am seeking, rather than offering advice. I have to be honest, if I could I would eat all day, and I will often have large amounts of carbs in one sitting. I put my toddler in the car today to drive myself us to a local shop to buy carbs- I have nothing against carbs, I haven't been trying to avoid them, I just started on my child's breakfast biscuits this morning and went into a frenzy, finishing off the whole pack. I was stuffing them as soon as I brought them. I looked in the mirror and saw my child watching me. I felt so ashamed and thought I would be so embarrassed if anyone saw me.

Today was a terrible day. My son has had chicken pox and both been in all week and suddenly it got to me. I can't talk to my GP about this, and I don't have friends that wouldn't judge me for this. So I am seeking support here x

OP posts:
MillyMillyMe · 15/10/2013 11:03

When I started eating this way after doing much research into diets and weight and yo yo diets it was a leap of faith to start buying all the forbidden food that had been labelled "bad" my whole life. But you know what, once I got used to having all naughty foods around me a strange thing happened. They lost their appeal and hold on me and I only ate them if I really wanted them. I found myself desiring salads veg meat etc. Many studies have been done on this so I am not unique. That said I do understand the fear of letting go and allowing your children free reign. It was when I saw my daughter getting bigger that I adopted this method. I didn't say anything negative about her weight, just always assured her she was beautiful. I didn't put her on diets or tell her she looked fat. This had been done to me as a child and ny mother controlled everything I ate. We never had any sweets or cakes or crisps etc in our house as they were seen as unhealthy. When I was away from my mother's control, I overate and overate. My daughter started to self regulate and developed her own pattern of eating. She still ate cakes etc but only a little and then stopped. Her weight came off over a year. She is now 23 with no food issues. She is very into food and nutrition and is 5'7 size 6 to 8 UK which is a 4 in US I believe. I envy her so much. Her ability to stay a healthy weight without weighing herself or dieting. It amazes me when I think of my own life long battle.

hurried · 15/10/2013 11:14

Children, fascinating. I had free access to bread when I was younger, my mum brought fresh bread home every few days, and even then she said I loved it and would always want more (I didn't and don't really like butter). I was given chocolate and sweets as a reward i.e., for being well behaved, for taking my medicine or eating my greens, however these aren't foods I binge on.

I am an overeater/binger and the foods I choose are bread, white, granary and cake/muffins/porridge (!),/any cereals. I hate sweets and we always have them in the house because my husband likes them but I never touch them and my LO doesn't like them (I was slightly horrified to see my OH feeding him one, but my LO pulled a face and spat it out). I do eat dark chocolate thought, and I eat wuite a lot of it- too much, however, it's not one of my absolute binge foods that I eat mindlessly (unless I am eating it with a frothy milky drink watching tv the I can go into a mindless zone and look down and wonder who ate the rest of the bar).

I obviously am not great with my relationship with food, but my son mainly has vegetables, meat, bread, cheese, he doesn't like fruit for some reason but will drink smoothies so I stick with that. I don't ban cakes, I try and choose healthier versions ie carrot cake, but I'm afraid cake is something I don't have a stop button with, so I probably am quite selfish and make sure we only go out to eat this i.e., an afternoon coffee and a little slice of cake at a cafe somewhere.

I have noticed my son,if he has sweeter stuff, he s less likely to eat his meals i.e.. fishfingers, broccoli and sweet potato for example, he would much rather have cake or a load of yogurts instead, so I give him a main meal and a small sweet dessert, but I have to be careful, if he has too much sweet stuff, I notice he definitely goes off the more savoury foods. My son is like my OH though, my OH gets full up quickly, and my son if my son drinks a drink at meal times he can't eat any more food yet I notice his little cousin, had her drink, ate all her food, then wanted my son't too- she probably needed the nutrients but my sister in law had said the doctor's were concerned that her daughter is overweight, she seems to have a much larger appetite. I know a GP friend of mine sees children in an obesity clinic, and she says lots of these children have free access to crisps and cake and their parents are upset that their children don't eat vegetables or main meals. So I think there is a balance, and each child is different. I think luckily, my son isn't like me, we went to playgroup and they handed out chocolate biscuits, some of the kids were going crazy wanting more, yet my son had half of one, then told me he was full up. Yet some of the little girls (coincidentally) went for more. They could have just been very hungry of course. At the same time, she told me she sees a child in a child protection case who was failing to thrive and the parent's had ensured this child didn't have any chocolate etc (the mother was anorexic, it was complicated apparently) but the child wasn't allowed any cakes, chocolate and for this child, who didn't have a large appetite anyway, a chocolate milkshake may have been helpful!

I know this will cause rows, and is controversial, but SLEEP has helped me to reflect on things. I have friends who can't have just one drink. I have always been too full after two glasses of wine. Of course, I have got tipsy in the past, but it's just not my thing, does that make sense. However, I wonder if there is a part of me, that when very stressed or upset, wouldn't turn to drink of course, because I know my nature is to self medicate. My point however, is, that some people turn to alcohol and I don't think I have that alcohol gene...if that makes sense. My LO isn't like me, he has never been that fussed by food, any food really, my cousin was the same, really tall and skinny and my aunt used to worry for him as he would forget to eat as he was always busy doing things and he found eating a chore. My siblings, brought up in the same environment as me love food too, however, they will feel they really fancy a piece of cake etc and have once slice at say 11 am and they feel satisfied. Whereas I can be with them not even thinking about having cake, have some and then just think well now "I'm thinking about cake and I have just had some" I wasn't banning it. Of course, there could be a deep psychological feeling that I have banned it in my mind that I am not aware of.

My LO loved breast feeding and he has been quite fussy, but the way I have dealt with him is to eat with him and offer him foods from all the food groups, and to be honest he probably doesn't have as much fat as he could have, but I try and not give lots of sweet or salty stuff, just because he doesn't seem to miss it (I do give some, but once when I brought a pack of jaffa cakes, I kept them in a cupboard which he could reach - we have always had the odd jaffa cake so they haven't been a banned food and I hate them so he hasn't seen me overeat on them, but he was a nightmare, he kept helping himself, having huge tantrums, throwing his dinner on the floor shouting "jaffa cake" both out lives were much easier when he didn't know they were there!).

Sleep I love your posts you are so thoughtful and sometimes I feel like you know me. My mum has just brought me a subscription of Zest!

I think the two nights a week, pasta or pizza is a good idea, having it with my OH. I don't really binge on pasta, but I suppose it's not a food just there... you have to cook it and prepare it. Yesterday I had made myself salmon in the slow cooker with tomatoes, and I put a full fat olive pesto sauce on top and it kept me going until the evening. I have to be honest with myself, part of me is so stubborn and spoilt, I will think this will make me feel worse later, yet I can often do it anyway... so i am a complete fool! I am in no doubt about that.Sleep I think I actually don't often feel true hunger, yet you are right, I think that some of my cravings can be in response can be to low blood sugar, as certainly I thought about raiding the bread (I had left from the weekend) and I thought I would have my lovely salmon supper first, I think knowing it was smothered in pesto helped me to look forward to it.

I'm working on the breakfast! I had a soya cappuccino but still having a few squares of dark chic first thing. I might look into raw chocolate or try having just one square, I think I'm complicated, with somethings I would rather have a no go approach ie, just don't have any, it's easier to give it up... mornings I'm battling with, I think if I got straight up and out that may help too.

My skin is dry, but interestingly since I have been having more full fat things (slight problem is I haven't cut down on thee carbs too much yet!!! ) a few people have commented on my skin! I think I have a psychological battle with adding fat to food, but I did notice yesterday my salmon satisfied me, yet half of me was craving the bread, but after eating the meal I didn't want it.

I have to recognise emotional triggers too, this morning I woke feeling sad, yet I dropped my little one off at nursery (a free morning) and it's sunny, yet I felt really hypersensitive (a small unrelated matter, that really isn't an issue) and I noticed I started craving a coffee and chocolate/food. I had to literally talk to myself and say is this because of me being hypersensitive/emotional about something else. I deal with emotional issues with food, like you say SLEEP it's become self medication. I often think I could smoke right now when something happens, I don't and have never smoked, because I think I could turn to that too in times of crisis!

I think I have an underlying self loathing, and actually I don't help myself, I often hide from things and make matters much worse.

Today I have another piece of salmon and more pesto (OH is away for the week) any ideas what I could have with it sleep? I fancy something yum but nutritious... :-)

You must tell me when you have qualified!

x

OP posts:
MillyMillyMe · 15/10/2013 11:40

Hurried carbs are sopaphoric whereby they induce feelings of calm.

Sleepwhenidie · 15/10/2013 12:15

Hey - I read Milly's last but one post asking me about the self-regulation thing, then made my way home, thinking about it before reading your post, Hurried. I go round and round with the kids stuff in my head!

I completely get your argument Milly and I think that maybe it depends on the child (their nature and their age), as with Hurried and her siblings. I am pretty sure my DD would self-regulate but equally so, the boys probably wouldn't - or more to the point, they wouldn't necessarily eat what would be considered excessive amounts of sweets/crisps if allowed unlimited access, but almost certainly they would eat enough to diminish their appetite for a nutritious meal when it came to time for that Smile. I wonder if sometimes it depends how sensitive you are to sugar (or the insulin hit from carbs), some people simply find it more addictive than others?

I don't ban everything with my DC's, they have a biscuit or two, or a hot cross bun or muffin after school for example, and a small pudding after dinner (but I am 'guilty' of making this a condition of eating most of the main meal). The only thing I really feel strongly about keeping them away from is fizzy drinks (I also never buy juice or smoothies any more but they have them in restaurants/friends houses). My ds1 is 8 and so he is starting to be in situations where fizzy drinks are available and he is (understandably) keen to try it - partly because his friends like them but also because he knows DH and I don't like them Grin - so if he sees, say, a can of coke on the table and I am nearby, its almost a challenge 'look mum, I'm going to drink some of this'...to which I have to say 'look sweetheart, you have to make your own choices, you understand why we don't drink that stuff and why I'd prefer it if you don't - but it's your body, so you have to decide, I'm not always going to be around to tell you not to'. Truth is, he really doesn't like the taste and I want to keep it that way, rather than him developing one by 'practising' through regular access! We also keep the emphasis on being strong and healthy - DH and I love good food and are very keen on exercise and being fit and the dc's are (so far) also keen on exercise - so our focus is on eating lots of the stuff that helps with this and just a little of the foods that aren't so helpful for your body.

Sleepwhenidie · 15/10/2013 12:24

Hurried - how about some lentils (pre-cooked sachet is easiest) and roast tomatoes, steamed broccoli with your salmon? Or some steamed spring greens with butter and salt and pepper?

The 'fat is bad' thing is hard to get away from isn't it? Good that you see such a difference in your skin when you are eating more of it. I think we need a different name for fat in food because it is so synonymous with fat on our bodies! Would it help to focus on the EFA's in food like salmon and olive oil - Essential fatty acids? The clue is in the name!

Do you have any thoughts on why you have 'self loathing' Hurried? Also, what is the small issue you are hyper-sensitive about? If you are feeling that way about something it maybe isn't actually that insignificant Hmm?

I don't qualify properly until May but I am more than happy to continue chatting and trying to help Hurried, I am getting more and more interesting insights with every lecture and its great if any of those can be of use to you - we can learn together Grin.

Mollydoggerson · 15/10/2013 12:25

Hi there,

You sound very similar to many of the poeple who put themselves forward to the shows 'Obese - A year to save my life', and 'Fat the fight of my life'. Many of the people on those shows are secret eaters and self loathe as a result of the secret eating. The trainer and mentor Jessie Pavleka is amazing. He is so positive and understanding and kind. I find the shows really insightful, you should check them out. By the sounds of things you are not obese but you are suffering from some of the same complaints as the participants. The tips on the shows might come in handy.

Well done on the really positive steps you have taken so far x

HeirToTheIronThrone · 15/10/2013 14:27

Hello everyone.

I've just read this thread from the start and wondered if I could join you - I have struggled with binge eating for years, all in secret. The car tends to be my spot for it - stopping most days recently for petrol or one missing dinner ingredient so I can buy biscuits/chocolate/crisps/flapjacks/cake/sandwiches, stuff them down on the drive home and then have a 'normal' dinner.

The thing I struggle with is that I just cannot see an underlying reason - like hey I feel I am genuinely happy, I am newly married to a lovely man and have a good job. I am overweight - size 14/16, about 12.5 stone - but not huge. If I try and explain to people what I do the stock answer is that is must be because I am sad/depressed - but I really feel like I'm not. So WHY do I do it??

Sleepwhenidie · 15/10/2013 14:52

Hi Heir, welcome. Its not as simple as being depressed is it? Although this is clearly an issue for some people.

You could be binge eating for a myriad of reasons and it can take time and patience to discover them, then even more to resolve them. You can be pretty sure though, that compulsions (whether it is eating, alcohol, self-harm, drugs or shopping) are not about real appetite or the food/whatever itself though - its the manifestation of something - a situation, or feelings that you haven't resolved or felt able or willing to deal with. This could fall under such diverse areas as family background and relationships (in your childhood and now), your main relationships now (lover/spouse/dc's), your work and money situation and how you regard them , sexual issues, religious issues, environmental issues, personal interests and body image.

Do you recognise any particular triggers for your binges, how do you feel before during and afterwards? Have you talked to DH about it? What is your life and diet like generally?

HeirToTheIronThrone · 15/10/2013 15:06

Boredom is certainly one. I think possibly self-esteem too - I have never thought that I look as good as any of my friends, so why even try to? And stress probably another. But it's so frustrating, as these are all such disparate things, so why should they result in the same behaviour?

DH will listen to me talk about it and is sympathetic. He has offered to pay for a counsellor if I want. I am not sure about that, not sure I could do it and am semi-convinced that I would not be taken seriously - I am an intelligent 30 year old happily married professional woman, but all I can think is that I'd be laughed at - it's only eating!

And life generally busy but not horrifically so. Outside of the binges I eat well, generally. Breakfast and lunch at work and I take it in so as not to be tempted by the sandwich van - so cereal or porridge usually, then a home made wrap, soup or salad. Dinner is almost always cooked from scratch, I love cooking - things like chilli, last night we had fajitas, tonight will be gammon and baked chips and poached eggs.

Sleepwhenidie · 15/10/2013 16:20

Heir - no decent counsellor (or even any bad one I suspect!) would laugh at you. It's not only eating. It is your medicine/distraction/comfort from the true problem. It is upsetting you and will (if it isn't already) cause you health problems and weight problems. Your feelings of low self esteem are important and a good counsellor will help you address them.

MillyMillyMe · 15/10/2013 19:30

When I was a child and my mother controlled my food to the extent that I never felt truly satisfied by what I was given. If I helped myself to anything I was made to feel very bad and told how fat I would get. Whenever I went to anyone else house I would be so excited to see what food they had in their house. I would see bread and real butter instead of slimcea and low fat spread. Chocolate, biscuits, crisps, packets of cereals. I would eat soooo much and still wasn't full. When my parents went away for the day and left me alone I would go through the cupboards eating a bit of this and a bit of that making sure my mother wouldn't be able to tell. I was s very skinny teenager cause I wasn't allowed to eat. I was deprived of food but got better when I was older and living on my own cause I could eat whatever I chose.

MillyMillyMe · 15/10/2013 19:35

Heir if your going out in the car and buying all this food and eating it, why don't you take the food home and eat it with or in front of your husband? Smile

Sleepwhenidie · 15/10/2013 20:05

Milly, that really is extreme control! I'd say issues with food were pretty much inevitable given that upbringing Sad. You've done amazingly well to resolve it.

MillyMillyMe · 15/10/2013 20:51

Thank you. I do deal with body issues on a daily bases though and it can be disabling at times.

MillyMillyMe · 15/10/2013 20:53

I didn't mean my question to Heir to sound twitchy and hope that's not how it came accross....just want to know why she doesn't eat all her food haul in front of her DH.

MillyMillyMe · 15/10/2013 20:54

bitchy.....bloody phone Grin Grin Grin

Sleepwhenidie · 15/10/2013 21:34

Can I ask...have you forgiven your Mum for all that Milly?

MillyMillyMe · 15/10/2013 23:20

Well Sleep ...interesting question. Short answer...my parents didn't have anything to do with me for 21 years. They had moved back to my home country. I had tried contacting them but couldn't find them. Lots of childhood issues. I hadn't forgiven them for lots of things but had moved on resigned to the fact that I had no parents and would never here from them again. They then turned up last year trying to find me. I decided to put my anger and feelings aside as my mother said she was ill. They were here 3 days and then flew back home. It was a bittersweet time and emotionally draining. It has taken me till now to adjust and sometimes have regretted seeing them again. Nothing really resolved but everything just moved on from. Now my Father is ill and I try and keep my emotions in a box with regard to them and not let it interfere in my life. Hard though.

MillyMillyMe · 15/10/2013 23:21

Well Sleep ...interesting question. Short answer...my parents didn't have anything to do with me for 21 years. They had moved back to my home country. I had tried contacting them but couldn't find them. Lots of childhood issues. I hadn't forgiven them for lots of things but had moved on resigned to the fact that I had no parents and would never here from them again. They then turned up last year trying to find me. I decided to put my anger and feelings aside as my mother said she was ill. They were here 3 days and then flew back home. It was a bittersweet time and emotionally draining. It has taken me till now to adjust and sometimes have regretted seeing them again. Nothing really resolved but everything just moved on from. Now my Father is ill and I try and keep my emotions in a box with regard to them and not let it interfere in my life. Hard though.

LittleRobots · 16/10/2013 00:54

The thread fell off my active conversation list when I wasn't on so much but I'd like to rejoin you.

I binged hugely at the weekenand really want to get back on top of things. Its so helpful reading some of the above posts - hurried your thought process is so verysimilar to mine. I wake up feeling exhausted or just unable to manage the things I need to do and food does feel like a hug.

I similarly don't tend to eat or fancy burgers or frozen food so I think I kidded myself m diet war ok - but I'm 16 stone and it feels a huge battle to get back down to normal. Food seems such a normal part of my day and sometimes one of few pleasures. Although I know even before eating that its a strange pleasure, I'm not massively enjoying the actual food it just fills a hole.

I binged at the weekend quite badly but I did start an exercise referal thing at the gym and took myself there for the first time yesterday. I have to really fight the negative thoughts (this is boring, half an hour won't do much, you're not going very fast, how on earth did I get this unfit, God I'm fat.) however I felt so proud I'd been and I do so little exercise

LittleRobots · 16/10/2013 01:01

(oops) that I did feel good getting sweaty for a change. I also start worrying if I'm at the right gym / financially making sense / best type of exercise / if I'll have enough time to continue away from children.

I've really realised a lot of my thinking is so very very negative and critical. I have very low self esteem (crap childhood so I guess the patterns are pretty deep) and don't have good close relationships now (I've often thought I could do with a loving mother /sister/ friend who could just care sometimes. However getting sad of lack of support doesn't actually help. . .

Its a vicious circle - I'm sure losing a lot of weight would help self esteem but low self esteem is a reason I eat I think. Its certainly not straightforward x leads to y in my head.

If other thing I struggle with is all the planning, shopping, cooking around meals. Especiallywhen I have low energy or motivation. I'd love home cooked nutritious meals to just arrive and for some reason I'm struggling to do the basic tasks of being on top of ordering food and cooking it that most people manage. I'm well educated but really struggle with routine jobs in many areas - housework as well!

HeirToTheIronThrone · 16/10/2013 08:22

Milly I think it wouldn't really be secret binging if we did it together!! I try and eat 'normally' with DH, overeating really isn't an attractive trait!

Thank you Sleep for your PM. I have been recommended a local counsellor by a friend and have been brave enough to look at his website - a start!

hurried · 16/10/2013 09:00

Millyme- I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you. You have my admiration for staying so strong and working through food problems, it is little surprise that you developed secret eating. You sound like you have become a very loving mother with lovely children.

Littlerobots, I'm so sorry you had a tough weekend. I can relate of course. I am not sure if it helps, but exercise has been something that has stopped binges, I think it might be finding the right thing for you, I hated the thought of classes - trust me, they are not "me" or so I thought- and I actually found a class, the Tai Chi/pilates one, that I come out of, not trying to avoid binge or dieting, but wanting to look after myself. Rather than, "I feel really tired, bored, upset, I really want to eat as i don't know what else to do" and then fighting this with "but I mustn't eat too much as I am not hungry and have already had a good lunch". The motivation to want to care for yourself is a huge one, but I find getting into the self love mode rather than the "lizard brain " (to steal a phrase) "I really don't care. I'm rubbish, there is no point, it doesn't matter, just grab it, this is my only joy, this will make me feel better (despite any later consequences)" voices (I appreciate I am sounding schizophrenic here, but my mind is certainly contradictory). You are not alone. I honestly think if people saw me they would never guess (although I am a size 14 and although that doesn't sound huge, I am quite petite framed), like you (you wouldn't think it from my "hurried" almost incomprehensible posts, but I had quite a good job years ago (although I hated it)

Really long walks help for me too, for some reason, I actually enjoy walking (when it's a really long walk- I guess it takes a long time and feels like I achieved something - but of course this may not be the same for you) , especially knowing there is lunch or supper at the end of it! I hear you with the menu planning. I find it hard to even prepare all the food as if I have anything in bulk I eat it...however, this hasn't been the case with MASSIVE salads etc, ie, preparing roasted veg and something yum. However, if I'm making sandwiches for the family... I end up snacking as I go along! I am sure Sleep will be full of ideas- you could prepare some soups?

I am not sure this is helpful for self esteem, but for me, even typing this helps me to be mindful, but I know if I am in all day, and there are bagels (whatever the food you overeat on) accessible, and the day has little structure... this is a danger zone. I know, for example, Wednesdays are often a binge day (you could try logging in a diary when you do it, no one else needs to see it). My husband is often home very late (and returns stressed) or away, I have a whole day alone with my LO, and if it's raining, and I plan to stay in all day... (in fact, I can't think of a time I haven't binged on a day like today) I know I'm likely to binge- so I better get out, quick!!!!

I hope I don't sound patronising, these things may not apply to you or be helpful at all. I am obviously not a recovered soul....x

OP posts:
hurried · 16/10/2013 09:02

Heir- I will send another post in a bit- I won't rush one as when I do I seem to send garbled rubbish! xx bog hugs from another secret eater x

OP posts:
MillyMillyMe · 16/10/2013 09:54

Heir thankyou for replying. I wondered why you felt it necessary to hide " eating" from your husband. You have seemed to imply that him seeing you eat all your binge foods would be unattractive. Is he someone who is into healthy eating?

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