hey hey . Super interesting and emotional reading all your posts. Can relate to loads of it!
Abusive childhood , check
Mother with eating disorder, check
ND (dyspraxia and probably ADHD)
Bullied and excluded since childhood for weight, check
obsessed with food since a child too!
Personally I don't think it's just one thing, for me at least, I think it's a combination of all of them.
I think biologically I'm destined to be heavy. Both sides of my family have obesity in them . Particularly my paternal side with very heavy people being the norm.
I also think biologically I've been fighting PCOS and insulin resistance since puberty.
In Terms of ND, Dyspraxia has affected me as I've always found movement/ sport/ activity difficult and alienating. PE at school was genuinely traumatising.
Excersise was either too difficult ( being overweight can make it much harder) or not for me. As a kid I used to love ballet, until my dance teacher told me I was too fat for ballet. I used to love swimming too, until bullying made me not want to wear a swimsuit.
As a kid I had an abusive father who abused me and my sister and my mother. He bullied and abused my poor mum who wasn't particularly fat but got called it constantly by her husband, and was consequently spent most of my childhood full of self loathing on constant diets (and binging in secret)
I think I learned binge eating from her, but also I learned it from being alone alot in childhood ( not many friends, mum always working ) with access to alot of access to cheap crap food (1980s)
Spent most of my life being bullied and othered because of my size. Also remember my weight and age going up together!
For me its the interaction of trauma from an abusive childhood, PCOS, dyspraxia, the normality and constant availability of UPF and eighties/90s diet culture, my mum's eating disorder, low self esteem from bullying and the constant micro aggressions of being a fat person in our society. The interaction of it all .