DH negative reaction to my weight loss, how to seal

[emilysquest]

Hi, I have NC for this. MJ has been fantastic for me, I was not extremely overweight but had BMI of 30 and was struggling to fit in size 16 jeans. I was unhappy about this especially as the doctor has told me both my cholesterol and HbA1c were significantly raised and I might have to go on meds for these (was already on BP meds). As someone who had been a size 12 all my life until a few years ago (childbirth and menopause in quick succession, thanks) I also just felt I wasn't me any more. I wouldn't wear swimsuits etc etc, you all know the picture.

Five months on MJ and BMI is 22 (my goal, I never wanted to go any lower), bloods and BP all normal, and I have loved buying some size 12 clothes again, including swimsuits. I was really happy about this, as was my doctor.

Unfortunately DH is not. He is being horribly rude, telling me I am way too thin and look "like an old granny" (well, at 62 I could indeed be a granny although as it happens I am not). He does not want to have sex any more (sorry if TMI) as he says I look "ridiculous". He is rude about my body every day and can't seem to be in any way happy about my weight loss. At the same time he is accusing me of losing weight because I have a lover, telling me "why don't you go to him, maybe he likes thin scrawny old women". (He knows very well this is not true, he is just trying to be hurtful).

I have tried talking to him logically but he gets quite nasty. Yes, sure, me as a size 12 in my sixties doesn't look the same as me as a size 12 in my forties (which is what I was when he met me). The fat did obscure some of the wrinkles etc and gerally pad me out, yes. But a BMI of 22 and a size 12 is not exactly that skinny, just "normal". He just won't listen.

@Chumsky that sums it up beautifully - this is far more about him and loss of power and controlling than it is weight loss.

Along those lines, it is interesting and confusing to me when you consider that when he met me, and for years after that, I was smaller than I am now. Then over the more recent years I put on weight and got bigger, and he never once said a single nasty thing about that. In fact, I would moan about feeling fat and having to buy bigger clothes and he would be very complimentary: "you look lovely", "more to love" etc etc, and remind me that I had had a baby and wasn't as young any more (not in a nasty way, in very much "I love you as you are, accept yourself" kind of way). So he is not nasty about my body in general, or he wasn't before anyway. Something has changed now.

I would have said that maybe the explanation is that he is genuinely more sexually attracted to bigger women, so me being smaller is a problem in that regard... but then how does that fit with how crazy he was about me when we met and I was a size 8?

Yes, I get it that the power issue must be important. But I have been the one with the more visible and obvious conventional social/financial/intellectual power for 16 years. And he has never reacted like this before.

@emilysquest maybe it’s that the ‘bigger you’ appealed more once his lifestyle too had changed- more booze, fancier meals, less fussy about having takeaways, Maccy Ds , felt like you were ‘more in tune to stuff he enjoyed’ — maybe you are doing a lot less of this ( naturally if you are on MJ) and he misses those aspects.

@Crikeyalmighty That doesn't really fit though, he didn't start to drink any more, the meals weren't fancier (in fact we went out way less after we had a baby, then a child, with special needs, so less time and money etc, also his two kids came to live with us so even less time and money!). He has never eaten takeaways as he considers them to be a waste of money. He now weighs precisely the same as he did the day I met him over 20 years ago, and he was 32 then! We drank (a lot) together for years, both when I was smaller and when I was bigger. (We met at a boozy, stoned party and it went from there!). So I think the idea that he is now feeling "judged" by my changing my lifestyle/health is right. It's hard for him to consciously confront this issue, he won't for example, do what I did and get his blood done for lipids, HbA1C etc. He will never go to a doctor so I got a test at home kit, it's sat in the cupboard for years, I think it's expired now!

And so, thinking about what people have said, it seems he is either:

(a) consciously fixing on attacking my size as he knows I am particularly happy/proud about the change I have made in this and so this is an effective punishment, ie he is hurting me on purpose,

or (b) unconsciously acting out of jealousy/fear of losing me/defensiveness about his own unhealthy habits (addictions) which he does not want to give up, in which case he is not actively trying to hurt me but I am caught in the cross-fire in the battle between him and his health.

This is what I am getting from the discussion on here anyway. Still not sure how to solve it all.

For those who said counselling, there is no way in a million years he would go for that. I've been in therapy a number of times over the years (I am a mental health professional) but he is highly sceptical, despite my profession, and would never!

@emilysquest I think you have summed it up well - the thing is, you know him, we don’t . How you solve it if he won’t do counselling and continues being obnoxious about you losing weight) short of separation/divorce- I have no idea. It probably will come to a head though - next time he says anything I would say ‘stop it right there’ - I’m losing weight for my health, I will stop when I myself say so - what exactly is your issue’.

Addictions could be at the heart of it. Yours (which you’re working on) and his.

I have indeed said stop that and gone on and on that I am doing it for my health, citing my cholesterol levels etc etc. He is sceptical about medicine as well as therapy though ("doctors don't know everything" etc etc, likely also a defence against confronting the harm he does to his own body), so brushes that off a bit (I think he tells himself if you just ignore things like BP, glucose and cholesterol they just won't harm you. He can't really think that though. His mother died of cancer because she refused to comply with follow-up after treatment, just saying oh, I'll be fine, the doctors don't really know all that much etc).

The other thing is: I may say it's all for my health but of course that is not the whole story. I like being thinner, buying lovely new clothes which look good, catching sight of the new me in the shop window etc (I have not worn a bikini for more than a decade, only "shapewear heavy tummy control" type one-piece swimsuits, and now I have ordered lovely bikinis, skimpy wraps etc for upcoming summer holiday). So he sees this too and would be justified in thinking it's also vanity/wanting to look good that has spurred me to lose the weight. In his mind that translates to why would I need to look more conventionally attractive unless I am looking to attract a new man, when he was fine with me as I was.

If he carries on with his shitty attitude he will have a self fulfilling prophecy and that weight loss might come in handy !!

I think you just have to focus on what you want for yourself.
Coming on here asking for help in how to deal with the situation shows you are a reasonable person and are looking for a way to find a solution. If you were looking for another man you wouldn’t be trying to sort this one out.
If he’s reluctant to discuss in a calm & kind manner why he’s behaving the way he is, and also acknowledge the hurt he is inflicting on you, then you have to take matters into your own hands.
You both want to stay together. So you have to take the power back. If he makes his nasty comments just don’t rise to it. Don’t give him a reaction. If he pushes it just tell him you both know how each other feels and that unless there is something new, rather than spoil the mood it would be better to change the subject.
I can’t think of any other way of dealing with it x

I absolutely am not looking for another man! If he disappeared tomorrow my idea of my best life under those circumstances would be never to live with a man again. Just me and DS, getting on with our n8ce calm lives without any grumpy prick cramping our style..(a bit tongue in cheek but not wholly so!)
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No, I don't (usually) wish he would disappear, but finding another man at this stage in my life, whether as a bit on the side or a third husband, is absolutely not on my to do list. He doesn't understand that though .

@emilysquest I’m totally 100% with you on that in all honesty - just couldn’t presume you were!!