DH negative reaction to my weight loss, how to seal

[emilysquest]

Hi, I have NC for this. MJ has been fantastic for me, I was not extremely overweight but had BMI of 30 and was struggling to fit in size 16 jeans. I was unhappy about this especially as the doctor has told me both my cholesterol and HbA1c were significantly raised and I might have to go on meds for these (was already on BP meds). As someone who had been a size 12 all my life until a few years ago (childbirth and menopause in quick succession, thanks) I also just felt I wasn't me any more. I wouldn't wear swimsuits etc etc, you all know the picture.

Five months on MJ and BMI is 22 (my goal, I never wanted to go any lower), bloods and BP all normal, and I have loved buying some size 12 clothes again, including swimsuits. I was really happy about this, as was my doctor.

Unfortunately DH is not. He is being horribly rude, telling me I am way too thin and look "like an old granny" (well, at 62 I could indeed be a granny although as it happens I am not). He does not want to have sex any more (sorry if TMI) as he says I look "ridiculous". He is rude about my body every day and can't seem to be in any way happy about my weight loss. At the same time he is accusing me of losing weight because I have a lover, telling me "why don't you go to him, maybe he likes thin scrawny old women". (He knows very well this is not true, he is just trying to be hurtful).

I have tried talking to him logically but he gets quite nasty. Yes, sure, me as a size 12 in my sixties doesn't look the same as me as a size 12 in my forties (which is what I was when he met me). The fat did obscure some of the wrinkles etc and gerally pad me out, yes. But a BMI of 22 and a size 12 is not exactly that skinny, just "normal". He just won't listen.

Interesting that you mention giving up alcohol and him calling you boring. I too have given up alcohol and have been called boring and that he no longer wants to go to the pub with me as what is point if all I’m drinking is lime & soda. I get that that this impacts ‘your thing’ together. But I’ve never been a person who needs a drink to have fun, in fact quite the opposite.
I think he realised I was not going to back down and all his tantrumming was a waste of time. It was very difficult at the time because I didn’t want to lose him as my husband. But I had this incredible strength inside of me that was not going to give up this better version of myself, not for anyone.
Dont do anything rash and hang in there. Your husband is unlikely to risk losing everything you have built up together for this. In the meantime try not to let his attitude spoil your new found confidence, you deserve to enjoy it😘

You say that divorce would be the nuclear option but he seems happy to wave the potential end of the relationship at you as a threat so I suggest you do the same to him. He claims you risk losing him as he doesn't find you attractive, well, you tell him he risks losing you if he continues to say such vile things to you and relentlessly objectify you.

Honestly, I couldn't stay with someone who spoke to me that way but if you really do want to try and stay in the relationships then he needs to be told unequivocably his behaviour is disgusting. This isn't the time for the slow and subtle approach, your self-esteem and pride in what you've achieved is under threat and it needs to stop immediately.

@emilysquest I totally get the drinking thing, I put on weight partially due to our lifestyle as we were living abroad and ate out a lot and had a big social drinking life.
Since take WLI I have really cut back on drinking, I do sometimes still have a glass of wine but can honestly say I’ve not been drunk for a year now, I can’t stomach more than 3 glasses and when I do now drink I usually just have one.
This has really highlighted how much my DH drinks, he can drink a whole bottle of wine just sat at home, we have had a few arguments as I’ve mentioned it and to be fair on him, I used to be almost as bad, so he thinks I’m being unfairly critical, but the reality is we are just out of kilter with each other.
As time goes on, he is doing more for his own health, exercising more and cutting back on drinking because it’s not much fun on your own, so we are starting to find it easier now.
However he is delighted in my weight loss as he can see how much happier I am, he never once called me fat or made me feel bad at the weight I was, but I know he thinks I look better now (even with the saggy bits 🤣).
I think the drinking issue can become a problem in relationships as you get older, I can see it in several of my friends relationships, but I’ve also seen a lot of my male friends hitting 60 and going on a health drive and many of them now don’t drink much at all, maybe your DH might change his ways as well?

If a man valued his sexual attraction to me over my health and wellbeing we'd not be together anymore. Disgusting

My opinion? One word, insecurity. His, not yours op. I actually do not think he thinks you look, old, awful, scrawny or anything of that kind. I think it’s the complete opposite and he can’t cope with you looking good because of his own insecurities. It’s plain nastiness, pure and simple. And I think only you can decide what to do about that. Everybody deserves a partner who is supportive, especially as far as your actual health is concerned. If he was genuinely concerned for your health he’d be pleased that you’ve lowered your bp to a level where you no longer need medications, plus reduced your risk of diabetes etc.

Just to add, a few years ago my health was bad in a way that made me lose quite a lot of weight quite quickly. My bmi went down to about 19 at its lowest. I did look a bit scrawny I guess, I had that weird “lollipop head” (iykwim), and I didn’t feel secure in how my body looked - saggy boobs etc. although at points (not at the lowest of 19/20, I did think that I looked ok, mostly with clothes on, tbh), however, my partner never once said anything to me other than I looked nice - even when I’d say I looked horrible or moaned about my saggy boobs or angular hip bones etc, and just would never, it isn’t in his make up to do so, and that didn’t change just because my physical appearance changed. Not because I was thin, but because that’s how he feels about me. I’ve now unfortunately gone the other way, and I’m probably the biggest that I’ve ever been and once again I feel awful about myself, and at either of these extremes that’s not how I was when I met my partner, and not where my preference and healthy weight is, but even now he would still not say anything negative about how I look. I may still think I look bloody awful, but a supportive partner would be just that, supportive. I look better somewhere in the middle - personally I think around about the 23-24 bmi. Frankly, whether your oh is nasty because he’s insecure or because he believes what he’s saying (he doesn’t), then I’m afraid I’d probably just tell him to go fuck himself. Or whatever less crass way you wish to put it. All that matters isn’t what he’s saying, or why he’s saying it, it’s the fact that he’s saying it at all, and only you can decide if you are willing to put up with it, or try and find a way through it - or deal with it, as in your question - because you think the relationship is worth trying to save, or whether you now even want to be with someone who can treat you like this. A horrible, nasty, selfish, unsupportive and insecure partner, is what he has now shown himself to be.

I've been alone for 15 years now, I have my own career, house with mortgage fully paid off and financially stable and have peace and im happy. I also have a friend who has been divorced recently and has 2 young children and works part time 3 days and can still afford to pay her mortgage, bills, money on children and going out and a holiday without any money from her ex husband.
What I'm trying to say is if you want to make it work financially, you can.
Who needs a toxic narcissist dragging you down who you probably spend a lot of time and energy looking after etc ditch the dead weight and put yourself and your son first.

my DH is on MJ and losing weight fast. I have mixed feelings and recognise some of what you say. He’s doing it as his knees are arthritic but it takes a lot of joy out of life. No fun to share a meal with, no fun to cook for, always tired and irritable. I have always maintained my weight by exercise and if I’m honest it feels it’s a lazy option - I know I need to get over myself and be supportive and loving but I feel quite cross some of the time!

I think you should take his advice and get a lover

@histoscientist It's definitely not that I couldn't survive financially without him. He couldn't survive financially without me (I am the sole earner and am a high earner). But sorting things out financially including a half-finished house which I love and into which I have poured all my money and he has poured 6 years of work would be a real nightmare which I really don't have time for right now work-wise (and walking away from my long awaited dream house would be heartbreaking).

@ipredictariot5 its not a "lazy" option. It's prescribed medication which is succesfully treating a number of metabolic conditions which I have, as well as my menopausal symptoms, and making me healthier and likely to live longer for my son, who is only 16. But I know what you mean about the fun sponge aspect. I am sure I would have felt like that just a few years ago too. Before I started to get scared about my health and realised I'm not in fact immortal! He's in his early 50s and I think you can still feel differently at that stage. He still drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney and is in total denial of the health implications. When I was diagnosed with fatty liver a couple of years ago his response was to tell me that "doctors don't know everything " and to "have another drink and forget about it".

The comment about him not prioritising my health and wellbeing is spot on and it's that that really makes me angry. Apart from him clearly not wanting to let me feel good about how I look. His only comment today was that my tits are now too small. I am still a size 38E bra, not exactly tiny (and bigger than the 36C that I was for most of my life until the last few years).

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments.

You're financially supporting him to speak to you like this? Good grief.

An everyday drinker and a smoker, eh? I'd say your good health and discipline is holding up a mirror to his insecurities around his own addictions and he (justifiably) feels inadequate. He has to drag you down to feel better about himself.

Strip away all the stuff about home renovations etc. You’re in an abusive relationship. You can choose to stay in it, but that won’t change the fact he is verbally abusive to you. It’s not a dream house if he’s in it spewing bile to you every day.

I feel sad for you, OP, because you seem willing to accept being spoken to like a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe. How much confidence has he stripped away over the years for you to be so accepting of such nastiness? Do you honestly think it’s normal for someone’s life partner to speak to them in this way?

I hope you can find a way to navigate this and keep building confidence in yourself because you deserve better than some jobless, abusive, heavy drinking, nicotine-stained misogynist.

Well, if you stay with him you’ll probably end up being his carer - his lifestyle is pretty unhealthy compared with yours. He’s definitely jealous and resentful of your successes.

He’s abusive, has been long term, and has an alcohol problem. This seems like the latest and perhaps worst example.

It may be difficult to leave him now, in your early 60s with the unfinished, costly house renovation, busy job and your DC with additional needs living at home. But you’re a high earner, so it’s achievable. It’d become a LOT harder were one or both of you to become unwell as you age, which is a likely scenario.

An option would be ‘grey rock’ technique and moving to another bedroom until the house is finished and / or you can sell it.

How big is the age difference, OP?

Hold on a moment, you are bankrolling this horrible abusive heavy drinking arsehole for what reason OP?

Clearjy he’s insecure, feeling emasculated by you because you are much more together than he is. Weak men fear and loathe strong women. Ugh. How can you bear to share a bed with him?

I do want to point out that: He gave up his successful professional career to look after DS, so that's not a negative. I am never going to hold it against him that I am the breadwinner, it was something we decided together as one of us had to drop back and I was the higher earner. He is also not "jobless", he has worked full-time on the house for over 5 years now, rather than going back to any work after it would have become possible (although not in his previous profession, for various reasons). Again a choice we made together. So I mentioned the financial situation just to explain that I am not trapped by lack of money per se, not because he has done anything wrong there. His attitude to my weight loss is very separate from all that.

The age diff is 8 years. Yes, I do think he is feeling pressured/ threatened/ annoyed by my becoming (I hope) healthier while he is getting less so. It's a difficult one to negotiate as he will not talk about his own health, becomes angry if anyone tries to, including his (adult) kids. I wouldn't say he is generally "not together" or weak, he is fantastic at the things he does, but the health issue is starting to stand out to me (and I presume to him, as he gets enraged if it is mentioned) as a bit of a life problem as time goes on.

Saying he is "heavy drinking" is strictly true but definitely unfair if expressed by me: I am eight years older than him and drank pretty much the same amount until 6 months ago, I don't really have a leg to stand on in critiquing him there.

(I know I seem to be defending him, but am trying to be fair, even though I am angry with him).

There is no way I am going to walk away from or sell my house.

I’m signing out of this thread. Wish you all the best, but I cannot see anything changing here whilst you are supporting the status quo, so to speak.

Well: I'm not happy with things/the status quo, and he is being an absolute prick but going nuclear after 20 years of marriage including characterising him as some kind of jobless alcoholic is not in any way a fair reflection of reality and doesn't move me closer to any useful strategies.

I am trying to think of ways to deal with the situation which are not based on grossly unfair stereotypes of stay-at-home dads (he's had plenty of that in his life) or judgement about someone's alcohol intake (which I am in absolutely no position to make, as I said, I was seven and a half years older than he is now when I stopped drinking).And that don't require me at my age to give up something I have literally worked for for forty years and which is close to being finished (the first house I have ever owned, I have waited a very long time!). I am trying in other words, to deal with the reality of the specific situation, which is him being nasty about a particular aspect of me, in the context of his own problems and shortcomings and not have a kneejerk reaction or condemn everything about him.

If in every other way your life together is good, it is just the weight loss issue and the emotions it is stirring up, that you both will have to work through.
Perhaps your success in losing weight, giving up alcohol and generally enjoying a healthier lifestyle is confronting him with his own lifestyle issues. If so it’s something he’s going to have to deal with because he can’t keep this up. Not for either of your sakes. It wouldn’t surprise me if he doesn’t particularly like himself at the moment for all the ridiculous comments he is making. He’s just lashing out.
All things considered you might have to give him time to either adapt to the new you, or to talk about what’s really going on for him.
In the meantime, remain calm and continue to enjoy all the good things about the new you x

I do understand what you're saying and where you're coming from.

But I also know, from bitter experience, that you can't force someone to stop being an arsehole to you because you'd rather not split up with them. God knows I tried.

All you can do is decide where your boundaries are. Anything else is on him, and as you've said, he isn't going to listen to you.

Sounds tough & becoming increasingly more of a common & unexpected perhaps consequence of weight loss medications. It’s crazy how much something like weight loss can expose in a relationship. But your body equals power & your body change has caused a shift in the sexual politics & balance of power in your relationship - for him - which in many ways is horribly depressing. Why are our bodies such a bloody issue all the time?! We can’t win. We’re too fat & not sexy enough or too thin & old. Obvs none of that is true. But it’s really revealed deep insecurities in him that I think he’s been masking for a long time & using alcohol & unhealthy eating to make it (& life stressors) easier to deal with. Suddenly your weight loss has held up a mirror to all of that & revealed it, causing him to very callously & cruelly blame you for it all - typically. I think he does feel some deep insecurity about being a house husband, feeling vulnerable that you have all the power as the higher earner & now your weight loss has made him feel it full throttle - in mid life when existential crises can really ramp up. Your slimmer body represents negative things for him - fear of others desiring you & you being tempted to leave him, abstinence from alcohol, being strict about food & not partaking in bon viveur indulgence from food & drink any more. Which is ridiculous because all of those things were making you unhappy & unhealthy. I can hear how considerate you’re being of his feelings & his contribution to your & your DS’s life too & empathise that you’re in no way demanding or expecting he reign in his lifestyle that you yourself were happy to follow until enough got enough. Women’s bodies!! Why are they always such a minefield?! Why do they feel like they don’t belong to us to do with what we see fit! Why is there such a loss to the other party when they change? But it seems to me it’s a huge issue.
He is being extremely unkind & thoughtless to you about how this is making him feel. Whereas you’re being very considerate of his feelings. It’s a tough one - esp as he shuts down or gets so angry/defensive. But it does sound like his alcohol intake is a real concern & his reactions are an indicator of that. And one that now the mirror’s been held up he is fighting long & hard not to have to keep seeing. He needs you to be codependent in his dependencies otherwise he emotionally cannot function in the way he was. I’m not passing judgement or saying he’s a dangerous alcoholic but do think it’s a problem & your weight loss has completely inadvertently revealed it. I think finding a way of address this is going to be your best avenue but can’t imagine he’d be receptive to counselling. It’s quite a primitive reaction & when you think about it very self focussed. I think pple are right to say it sounds quite extreme if he’s never usually so vocal or critical. Maybe the weight loss will expose & hold up now a mirror to the way he actually treats you & speaks to you that maybe you yourself haven’t truly seen? Either way counselling for you both might help. Seems such a shame that something that is such a positive & benefit to one party is reacted to so negatively by the other. I think weight loss specialists see this a lot. That the feeder (your DH who does the cooking) has all sorts of issues tied up, such a control & power, in their feeding or nurturing behaviour. Maybe something your DH is completely unaware of the extent to which he’s doing that but it’s definitely exposed some real concerns. Good luck.

Thanks so much for the thoughtful replies. @Chumsky you are pretty spot on about everything, I feel.

OP, I think it’s very telling that you posted this in a weight loss section, and not relationships.

He’s not treating you like this because you’ve lost weight, he’s treating you like this because this is how he treats you, and the topic of that treatment currently is your weight and diet.

I’ve lost 9st and still have another stone to go. Have been with my husband for 25 years (since I was in my late teens) and was obese (to varying degrees) for all of that time.

Two years ago, I started WLI and completely changed my lifestyle. It was a big adjustment for my husband but he’s supported me every single step of the way.

Our social life used to revolve around eating out but that stopped and he’s great when it comes to thinking up alternative things for us to do together. I love cooking and do most of our cooking at home but I no longer make creamy fattening dishes and he’s adapted. I’ve offered to make food separately so he can have things he’d prefer and, while he takes me up on that offer occasionally, he typically eats what I prepare- just bigger portions and he’ll wallop on more rice or sauces etc. for himself.

In the early days of adapting to the medication, he would hand me a (clean!) dog poo bag to vomit into if we were in the car and I got nauseous and we couldn’t pull over.

When supply of the medication was difficult to get, he helped me find chemists who had it in stock.

He’s my biggest advocate and is very proud of what I’ve done- he knows how much I hated being obese and how it held me back. He notices little things I don’t- we could be hiking and he’ll point out that my pace is much faster than his these days. Or he’ll peg my jeans onto the clothesline and comment on how small they are.

I’ve had some facial tweakments (Botox and laser treatments) to counteract the aging effect of large weightloss. My husband isn’t a fan of things like this in general, but he supports me 100% because he knows it’s my choice. We share finances so he’s technically the saying for half of them- he doesn’t even mention it.

For us, it’s not about weight. If I told my husband I wanted to learn to sail and sail to Australia, he’d be the first one looking at our savings account to see how to make it work despite the fact that he hates water and wouldn’t set foot on a boat. Similarly, he has many interests and aims that I don’t share (or understand the attraction) but I’m very happy to help and support him with those.

That’s a relationship- support and help and comfort, even when someone chooses to do something that you wouldn’t choose for them.

What your husband is doing is nasty. It’s not because of weight, it’s because of control.

I get that leaving is difficult, but would encourage you to consider therapy for yourself to understand your own feelings and reactions more to try and make your situation at lease somewhat easier. Look up the Grey Rock technique- it’s very useful for dealing with people like your husband.

@MsTTT I totally get that - my H isn’t perfect and has habits I don’t like much, but I could never ever say he wasn’t supportive of weight loss , nor did he ever comment when I really needed to get some weight off - in fact he has told me I’ve never looked ‘fat’ to him, when clearly at 16 stone at one point and 5ft 4 I simply was. The OPs H isn’t perfect fixating on weight loss, because I get the feeling he likes putting the OP down due to his own insecurities. He’s not a very nice man