DH negative reaction to my weight loss, how to seal

[emilysquest]

Hi, I have NC for this. MJ has been fantastic for me, I was not extremely overweight but had BMI of 30 and was struggling to fit in size 16 jeans. I was unhappy about this especially as the doctor has told me both my cholesterol and HbA1c were significantly raised and I might have to go on meds for these (was already on BP meds). As someone who had been a size 12 all my life until a few years ago (childbirth and menopause in quick succession, thanks) I also just felt I wasn't me any more. I wouldn't wear swimsuits etc etc, you all know the picture.

Five months on MJ and BMI is 22 (my goal, I never wanted to go any lower), bloods and BP all normal, and I have loved buying some size 12 clothes again, including swimsuits. I was really happy about this, as was my doctor.

Unfortunately DH is not. He is being horribly rude, telling me I am way too thin and look "like an old granny" (well, at 62 I could indeed be a granny although as it happens I am not). He does not want to have sex any more (sorry if TMI) as he says I look "ridiculous". He is rude about my body every day and can't seem to be in any way happy about my weight loss. At the same time he is accusing me of losing weight because I have a lover, telling me "why don't you go to him, maybe he likes thin scrawny old women". (He knows very well this is not true, he is just trying to be hurtful).

I have tried talking to him logically but he gets quite nasty. Yes, sure, me as a size 12 in my sixties doesn't look the same as me as a size 12 in my forties (which is what I was when he met me). The fat did obscure some of the wrinkles etc and gerally pad me out, yes. But a BMI of 22 and a size 12 is not exactly that skinny, just "normal". He just won't listen.

Sorry title should have read "how to deal"

He’s a nasty, jealous man who wants you to be life-threateningly obese because he thinks other men might be attracted to you now. He would literally prefer you to be unwell. That’s not how a good person thinks about their partner. Could you lose another 12 stone or so by ditching him?

Has he always been nasty like this about things that he doesn't like, whether directed at you or at other people?

Your weight loss isn't the problem here though is it? I can't believe for a minute this man has been a loving and supportive husband with never an unkind word to say for the last 20 years until you lost weight.
I don't know what the answer is to how you deal with it. It sounds like you know very well you've made a good choice for you and your health. You have already tried talking to him.
Maybe it's time for you to make another big change to protect your mental and emotional health?

It is acceptable for your dh to have concerns over your health if he genuinely thinks you have gone too low in weight, but he should listen and his fears quashed when you explain you are a healthy BMI, feel better at this weight and it has had a positive effect on your health concerns.

It is totally unacceptable to for him to talk to your the way he has been. You shouldn't need to defend yourself again disgusting comments like that. No advice, but just confirming this is not a you problem, it is a him problem and a pretty severe one at that. Is this a pattern of verbal abuse or isolated to you and your weight only?

Oh my god, I'm so sorry your husband is being so so unkind to you. I'm quite shocked, honestly, that he would say such things to your face. It's just so bullying and nasty. Is he like this in other areas? Does he talk about other people like this? Why is he trying to hurt you? What a horrible person. When he says these things, do you ask him why he's trying to hurt you and what his goal is? It doesn't really make sense.

If his plan was to marry a woman who did not age, his destiny is to be sorely disappointed in life. But it's not a problem you can solve. I'm sorry it's happening to you, but please don't think you are condemned to live with someone who wants to hurt you every day. You don't deserve to be hurt every day. Nobody does.

I’m really sorry to hear this, your DH is obviously jealous or worried that you may make other life changes along with the weight loss.
I’m the same age as you and have had a similar weight loss my current BMI is 23, however my DH has been very supportive and the weight loss has been a great boost for out sex life as I feel more confident about my body.
I don’t know how to advise you, but I think your DH reaction is a reflection that your relationship isn’t working, maybe it’s not worth being in a bad relationship anymore, or is he willing to work together to find out why he’s reacted in this way.
You’ve done a good thing taking control of your own health, don’t let him ruin it.

How to deal? Wave goodbye as you walk out of the door?

Im sorry OP, but you have done something wrong by losing weight? That sounds a very strange thing to get so annoyed about so there's obviously something else going on in his mind. If he won't discuss it and 'fess up what his problem is you can't really address it.

He sounds utterly horrible, what an unkind, spiteful reaction to his wife losing weight.

BMI 22 is healthy although in your sixties 24 might be better health wise ( not an expert though but I think I’ve read this somewhere). However this is neither here nor there. He is being absolutely vile. How dare he abuse you like this! Has he always been so nasty?
I Wouldn’t be with someone who spoke to me like that

Have you stopped going out for nice dinners together? No more drinks? Is he eating a different diet to you? Could be a factor.

Good lord, who needs enemies when you have this cretin for a husband. I am so sorry, that is awful. What a nasty little man. I'm not usually one to jump on the 'leave him' wagon, but in this instance, I think you should seriously consider it.

Is he really insecure about himself? Is he bigger himself? This strikes me as fear/jealousy. He wants to put you down so you don’t get higher self-esteem and decide you’re too good for him.

That is no excuse for this horrible behaviour, but don’t let it dampen your pride and happiness with your weight loss. You’ve done brilliantly and will be feeling much better. You deserve to feel amazing.

He clearly has some serious issues.

None of which are a reasonable explanation for his behaviour.

He doesn't sound like a nice man at all op. Tell him to STFU.

Dump him and find a lover.

This is abusive. One of the most mysogonistic things I’ve read on here tbh. Your health was under serious threat and now you have reversed all of that.
My thoughts are - is he overweight? Is he usually so nasty to you? What do you plan to do now? You must put yourself first both health wise with your weight and emotionally with not tolerating his nastiness and abuse.

"He does not want to have sex any more (sorry if TMI) as he says I look "ridiculous"."

Erectile dysfunction coverup?

Has he been a decent man up until now, OP? This sounds like really odd behaviour out of the blue, aside from how horrible he's being.

I suspect it's more about him than you. You don't have to stay and put up with it, you know.

I had weight loss surgery a few years ago and in the counselling sessions beforehand they said that quite a few marriages break up after it.
Your husband is feeling insecure and taking it out on you - totally not ok and as pp said an easy way to lose another 12 stone is to get rid of him.
You have done so well - I hope you are enjoying feeling healthier 😊

So he wants you to be fat and at risk of horrible diabetic complications so you are more acceptable visually to him He's prepared to accept that.
Have you pointed this out?
Im 63 and have lost 5 stone and my body isn't the best, it looks a bit like a melted candle but I feel better than I've ever felt before and my joints no longer scream when I move. I'm going to the gym to get some tone back.
I think I'd be tempted to punt him out of the front door.

Awful. Unfortunately this is quite common when women lose weight :( You’ve lost weight and are rightly happy and confident about your body. He is horribly insecure, the ‘lover’ comment shows that - he thinks now you’ve lost weight you’re going to ditch him and find a better model, probably because subconsciously he knows you can do (and you deserve, although he wouldn’t ever admit that) better than him, but when you were insecure about your size you were ‘under control’. Now you’re feeling good about yourself, he’s threatened.

Ironically by behaving so foully towards you, he’s pushing you towards that happening.

I wouldn’t use the language he’s using about my worst enemy, let alone my life partner, it’s disgusting.

Take this chance to reevaluate your life, OP. You have a lot of living left to do. Do you want to spend it with an abusive prick?

Hi, wow what a lot of replies, thank you so much. In answer to some questions: he can be nasty at times but we generally get (got) along OK. I would usually give as good as i get if he is being mean or unreasonable but this has rather blindsided me, especially as I have been really pleased with my weight loss.

Leaving him would be pretty catastrophic, we have a teenage son with SN and are in the middle of building a house which I have literally put my whole life savings into. Divorce is not an option where we live as we would have to live apart for 2 years first. Financially and for our son that would be a total nuclear option. But I do feel really angry with him.

No, he is not overweight, annoyingly he hadn't put on a gram since I met him 20 years ago, so has no idea what its like to be happy with your body your whole life and then find you just aren't yourself any more. (He still wears clothes that he wore when we were first together). He doesn't have any sexual dysfunction, although he does drink too much so sometimes so I wonder whether that may take a toll some time (he is younger than me). I think the fact that I have all but given up alcohol since being on MJ is bothering him, although he hadn't articulated that, just a few asides occasionally about how boring I have become. (He drinks every night, so did I until going on MJ. I really don't rry to be holier than thou about it).

He does all the cooking and I suppose my decreased appetite could be seen as a snub if you want to think of it like that.

He does listen to me (when he is not drunk, so not in the evenings), but nevertheless doesn't really give any indication of changing his views. He does seem to have an altered view of the past. Five years ago I still had bags of size 12 clothes which I could just about squeeze into, and I then gave them to the charity shop as I was sure they would never really fit me again. I need to remind him of that. (And how I wish I had kept those clothes!).

I was in a similar situation to you 3 years ago. Unhappy with being 4 stones overweight and my clothes being too tight. I’m also asthmatic and the extra weight was making me breathless. My husband was always making comments about my weight, it wasn’t good for my health (true) and how despite being an exceptionally attractive woman (his words) he just didn’t find me attractive when overweight (fair enough).
So I joined Slimming World and my group were fabulous. I loved the weekly meetings and within 9 months I reached my target weight. My BMI was 23 point something so by no means in the lower end of healthy.
From joining SW I started rebuilding my wardrobe via Vinted and charity shops. Initially with jewellery, bags & shoes and then as the weight came off I bought clothes. My friends said I looked great and were really happy for me.
So was my husband, he said he was so proud of me and praised my motivation. But then he just flipped. He said I was scrawny (I wasn’t) and that it was a bigger turn-off than the fat. He said I looked haggard & 10 years older than my age but all my trusted family and friends were saying I looked 10 years younger. Eating out became unpleasent. I was choosing healthier options and he would become sarcastic saying I’d lost all sense of fun, I was obsessed and he no longer knew me. The last straw came when he said You’ve lost weight but you may very well lose your husband. I was upset and shaken but stood firm. My weight loss gave me my confidence back and I felt fitter and healthier than ever & I did not want to lose this feeling. I told him this and said after all the hard work I could not consider regaining weight. Eventually, he adjusted to the ‘new me’ and we are back in a good place. Perhaps it is insecurity that makes them hit out but you have to do this one for you. Be brave, be yourself, I’m sure you look amazing😘

@SteelCityRose my goodness, that could be me talking! Down to the comments about how I look 10 years older (I really don't) and how I might lose him as he is no longer attracted to me. It is good to hear he came around in the end. My DH is someone who needs a lot of subtle chipping away to change his mind about anything (which I have done many times over the years, including totally changing his politics, which he doesnt even realise) so maybe there is some hope.

If my husband spoke to me like that the relationship would be over, I would find it so hard to love and trust someone who doesn’t seem to respect or love me. Add the drinking to that and I can’t see how someone could be happy in this relationship. I’m so sorry leaving isn’t an option for you. If a firm conversation won’t work then either he will need to find a way to accept the “new” you or you will need to find a way to keep yourself happy despite your nasty husband. Spend more time with people who build you up instead of tearing you down, maintain your own hobbies and interests etc.

i think some of this is perception about ‘being fun’ too - a lot of men only think you are ‘fun’ if you are both drinking and going along with their ‘had a few’ bullshit - it’s not dissimilar to those who no longer think you are ‘fun ‘ if you dare criticise any aspect of their behaviour and not just bigging them up all the time, like you are their chief ego fluffer.- and yes suprisingly some men do fancy women that have a bit more meat on them than maybe is good for those carrying it - I don’t mean huge, just maybe slightly technically overweight- if you are older too a bit of weight in the face can indeed look more youthful - however and I say this as someone at 63 who really needs ( and is doing) to lose a few stone- it is shit for your joints and other ailments that creep up - so I’m afraid he is going to have to get used to it or lump it - he’s clearly insecure too. I would give him 6 months to shape up or I would be shipping out as his attitude sucks.