Struggling with jealousy

[Cantbeatasunset]

I am mid forties…with a fairly healthy bmi. 3 years ago I starved myself and worked really really hard to shift 2stone. I’m still not at my goal weight and have probably a stone to go - which I can’t shift.

I work out 4/5 times a week (plus pay for a PT). Hit my daily step count everyday. Watch what I eat
90%of the time (yet will still enjoy a glass of wine on the weekend) and yet still can’t shift it - despite trying for 12months. It’s exhausting, relentless and it’s a battle every day.

So I can’t help feel a little bit hard done by/cheated when I see my friends around me jabbing and dropping weight without much effort! One of my friends won’t even go for a walk as she can’t be bothered!

Dont get me wrong I am so pleased for my friends to have found a solution and I am really happy for them. As I know how unhappy they have been. I always tell them how fab they look and how well they are doing…..

….But inside I am really struggling that because my bmi is not overweight there is nothing to help me. Even though I’m not happy with my size (12), struggle every day with food noise and restrict myself daily.

Am I just being an awful person or are my feelings ok… and can anyone offer advice.

do you think that you have body dysmorphia? it sounds like you are very healthy and fit, you probably look fantastic

@nevertuesday I don't think so but I will read more about it to see if there are some similarities in my thoughts. I am always disappointed looking at photos of myself. My husband (in a lovely way) agrees with me - he knows I’m not happy… but he also tells me how good I look alll the time and I’m not doing it for him I’m doing it for me.

I don’t want people to knock my husband as he’s the best and very supportive.

Stop focussing on your weight and focus on your health.

What you’ve achieved so far is phenomenal (two stone is a massive achievement- really well done). That has taken discipline and hard work.

Concentrate on what your body can do now- a long walk, lift weights, exercise for a period of time. You are fit, strong and powerful. That’s so important for your future health in every way in terms of preserving your bone density, strength and mobility into your older years. You have made changes that will improve your mental health also.

You have avoided the side effects of weight loss injections, both small inconveniences and potentially serious ones.

This is a sustainable change, not one where you may the lose benefit such as coming off weight loss injections.

I am not bashing those who choose to take weight loss injections or weight loss surgery. Do what’s right for you and we need, as a society, to reduce obesity and the effect it has on an individuals health.

Keep going, it’s not easy, you’re doing great though. Stop looking over the fence and set yourself some fitness goals and give yourself some serious credit and a lovely treat (day out, fancy bath, a new item of clothing) when you hit them.

It does sound like misplaced jealousy/anger to me.

You're a healthy bmi! That's great. Celebrate it! The constant frustration with your body will only make you unhappy in a way acceptance will not - you're doing amazing things for your health and to be honest youre where every single person on the weight loss board wants to be - healthy weight and active.

I would perhaps see if you can explore some counselling. It's not uncommon at all in our society but this level of angst around your self image isn't healthy. Especially jealousy of fat people who are having to take medication (often with a lot of side effects) is showing that something is not quite right. We could go into what it's like for obese people and the struggles they face but I don't think that's the issue here.

You're not happy for whatever reason and the focus is trying to change your (healthy and fit) body. That could be a product of responding to society's expectations or past stress or trauma or externalisjng something unhappy about life now but I'd honestly seek some help to untangle it if you can.

The answer would be to stop trying, eat what you like and let yourself become obese. Then you can pay a load of money to use weight loss drugs that may or may not work and might make you feel unwell with side effects until you're slim again.

But you're not going to do that are you? Because obviously it's not actually that great to tread that path. Your path is far more preferable, so feel glad that you are able to be slim by doing what you're doing because your path is what most of us aspire to in reality.

Watch what I eat 90%of the time (yet will still enjoy a glass of wine on the weekend) and yet still can’t shift it
What is the point of paying for a PT if you're gonna drink your calories? If you really want to lose weight in a healthy way then get serious and eat healthy 100% of the time. Are your friends drinking alcohol?

What?
There is so much wrong with this post I don't even know where to start.

@Shudacudawuda thank you for your honesty. It helps process my thoughts.

@Poonu I understand your comments. Whilst I do agree with you I am also firm believer in everything in moderation. If I was to eat healthy 💯 of the time and not drink whilst I would probably be happier with my weight/body shape I would be unhappier in other areas. As a glass of wine at the weekend with friends is just fabulous.

@GoldfinchesInTheTree thank you for your advice it’s very much appreciated and it’s helpful.

@Needtogoforarun your username made me laugh. Thank you. Especially the stop looking over the fence comment … something I am often doing and shouldn’t!

I think you need perspective. Try and look outward. I know more and more people who are so caught up thinking about their body, their health and how they look. The amount of people on peculiar diets is growing. We are on this planet for a relatively short period of time so don't waste it fixated on your weight. I think counselling is an option if you can find a good one and perspective is the thing to aim for.

If you’re at a healthy bmi and you’re exercising loads, but still feel you’re depriving yourself, it could be that you’re doing too much cardio and/or not getting enough protein to make you feel full.
Perhaps check your ideal macros for your weight and see if there’s anything you can do there.
And on the exercise side, the other thing that might help is switching to more strength based training to increase your muscle mass which will naturally burn more calories without you having to go crazy in HITT classes.

When I got to my forties - strength training was the thing that changed my physique and enabled me to eat more. The gyms closing in lockdown flipped my exercise routine to do more cardio, and I even ended up buying a peloton bike. I put weight on doing daily peloton rides because I was starving and ate more, but my muscle mass decreased.

I think the jealousy might stem from frustration that you’re not making progress on top of feeling deprived. It’s really hard to keep on pushing yourself to lose when you’re fighting against what your body is just naturally set up to do which is protect the fat stores to the level it thinks you need. So you’ll be tired and hungry all the time because it’s trying to slow you down to conserve energy and it’s producing hunger hormones to get you to eat.

Plus, when you get to your forties your muscle mass naturally starts to decrease and so your metabolism slows down anyway.

Go easy on yourself, look at what you can do to tweak your diet and exercise regime to promote muscle growth and that feeling of fullness. And maybe get your hormones/bloods checked in case thyroid is low or you’re deficient in anything. Focus on other health metrics. And one thing I really enjoyed about strength training was changing my goals from losing weight to gaining strength and enjoying watching the numbers go up each month on how strong I was. It’s an incredible feeling to go from being able to lift a max of 50kg to 80kg.

Then stop complaining you're a size 12.

I'm a size 8 and I'm strict with myself everyday.

Although I do share your jealously at others who are taking shortcuts with injections. It doesn't feel fair.

@Cantbeatasunset Your focus is on your weight? Muscle is denser than fat and working out 4 or 5 times a week with a PT AND walking 10K steps a day will mean you have a denser body than someone who is a size 12 and doesn't do this. Anyone not making changes to their lifestyle on injections will likely gain weight when they come off them. Not exercising means they won't have the muscle mass to burn the calories after they return to normal eating.

You are jealous of people who are obese when you are not. How do you view the people around you who are working out? Are you jealous of them too?

Stop weighing yourself and take body measurements. Focus your training on the areas you want to tone. Check measurements again in a month.

The fact that you CAN be strict with yourself and CAN maintain a size 8 means you're built differently to people who need WLI to address their clinical obesity. Why feel jealous of people who have medical conditions you don't have? Do you really believe that anyone who is obese could be a size 8 like you if they were just 'strict' like you!?

Weightloss is 80pc diet, talk to your PT and see if she can help with nutritional advice. Alcohol is not going to help, but I appreciate the mental health aspect might be beneficial for you. I don't really understand people that want to lose weight. I'm on MJ and have been for two years, it's not to lose weight, it's to be healthier, more toned, fitter and to live longer, for me weightloss is a side effect of part of the process. If it was about the number on the scale I would have given up a long time ago. It's the loss of internal fat around my organs, seeing my bloods improve being able to walk forever maybe reframe it from weightloss to health benefits, and you will see you are already doing great.

Maybe you should loosen up slightly on restricting
maybe your being too hard on yourself

OP - jealousy is a sign of deep unhappiness with yourself. It’s really good you’ve recognised it, and you’ve come here for support. I can see that you’re trying hard to live a healthy but balanced life, but your emotions are cracking.

I agree with what some of the posters are saying to reframe your expectations of what you think you should be. Whether that’s accepting that your size and weight is healthy and beautiful, or whether that’s looking for different ways to feel better about yourself.

I respectfully disagree with the poster who suggested you should ‘be healthy 100% of the time’. If it’s to the detriment of your emotional well-being then it’s not ‘healthy’.

For transparency I am mid-forties and on WLI. I gave up alcohol, carbs, sugar last year in an attempt to lose weight in all the usual ways that had previously worked. But I actually put weight on. I increased my intermittent fasting hours from 14 to 16 to 18. And I was so tired I couldn’t find the energy or motivation to exercise. So despite trying for many months my weight continued to climb and I tried hard to accept my new perimenopausal size and shape. I convinced myself that I was in my grandmother-era, that the extra padding was to protect my soon to be osteoperotic bones until I found my weight had tipped into the obese category and I qualified for the prescription.

Being a healthy BMI - but larger/heavier than perhaps you’ve been previously does take a shift in mindset. You have so much going for you and there are other ways to measure your self worth. You just need to find the right goals to aim for that will make you happy and content. I’m aiming to rebuild my strength alongside getting back into a healthy BMI. I work a stressful corporate job, so there is pressure to look ‘well kept’ but well fitting clothes is all it takes. My happy place is a long coastal/country walk followed by a lovely meal with family and friends. So I’m looking forward to eventually eating at a maintenance level and having plenty of energy to be able to walk for hours and work up an appetite to enjoy eating with others.

I understand where you are coming from OP in life its human nature to go why am I grafting so much when there is an easier/more straight forward way.....but as they say comparison is a joy thief.

I lost 3 stone the original way of focusing on tracking and have 1/2 a stone to go nearly 6 months later.

But I would say that the injections whilst they do have weight loss results are not the magic wand you think. There are side effects, health conditions which arise from rapid weight loss (gall stone/liver issues etc) as well as excess skin from quick loss.
Then there is the maintain phase and people then weaning themselves off and having to adapt to the same healthy eating that you are.

I echo what others say about protein, but also look at your calorie usage a day. This is usually a far better indicator of what you actually need. For me that's pretty low each day.
Intermittent fasting can also help (also can help other symptoms).

Also your focusing on scales rather then overall how you feel in clothing etc. If working out a lot muscle mass weighs more then fat.

I 100% get where you are coming from. I used to feel the exact same way. For me, the jealousy was with celebs too! (how come they r allowed to take it because they r rich, and I'm not ... type feeling!) I was a bit bigger than you in size probably (BMI about 26.5/27) but not eligible for weight loss drugs.

Then I just thought one day, sod this! I bumped up my weight on the online form, applied for mounjaro, and 3 months later I feel amazing! I no longer have to kill myself at the gym and resist the battle in my head around food everyday! I am still exercising, but much more moderately and healthily! I don't have to track calories anymore and can just relax!

I'm super happy with my weight, only a few pounds left to drop! And I no longer feel like I'm.looking at a fun party through a window wanting to be inside, but instead I'm in there smiling with everyone else!

I know lots of people hate it when non obese people choose to take mj or ozempic. But I don't care what others think! It's my body, my risks and I honestly couldn't be happier :)

I've had no side effects beyond a bit of tiredness and the odd sugar slump. Mentally, I feel amazing!

In my opinion, there was no point feeling stressed etc.. everyday when I could simply just make the decision to take it myself. It's pretty expensive but for me that's been the only downside.

So strange.

@JustLetGo - are you seriously recommending fraudulently gaining access to medication not prescribed to people in your circumstances?

Fuck me, that’s outrageous and bloody dangerous.

Nope. Absolutely not. I'm just saying that's what I did and I have zero regrets. I wouldn't recommend anyone else does the same.

And although you may massively disagree with the decision I took and judge me hugely for it (which is fair enough as you have never walked in my shoes and will likely never ever understand how it feels to be me!), I don't really care! MJ has changed my life and I feel amazing! I have zero regrets. Zero.

But to reiterate, I wouldn't recommend other people do what I have done. Everyone is an adult and makes their own decisions about their own health and happiness...