Struggling with jealousy

[Cantbeatasunset]

I am mid forties…with a fairly healthy bmi. 3 years ago I starved myself and worked really really hard to shift 2stone. I’m still not at my goal weight and have probably a stone to go - which I can’t shift.

I work out 4/5 times a week (plus pay for a PT). Hit my daily step count everyday. Watch what I eat
90%of the time (yet will still enjoy a glass of wine on the weekend) and yet still can’t shift it - despite trying for 12months. It’s exhausting, relentless and it’s a battle every day.

So I can’t help feel a little bit hard done by/cheated when I see my friends around me jabbing and dropping weight without much effort! One of my friends won’t even go for a walk as she can’t be bothered!

Dont get me wrong I am so pleased for my friends to have found a solution and I am really happy for them. As I know how unhappy they have been. I always tell them how fab they look and how well they are doing…..

….But inside I am really struggling that because my bmi is not overweight there is nothing to help me. Even though I’m not happy with my size (12), struggle every day with food noise and restrict myself daily.

Am I just being an awful person or are my feelings ok… and can anyone offer advice.

If you want to talk about fairness, the fact that you're capable of being so strict with yourself and that your strictness has also resulted in you being size 8 is right up there.

Yup many of us morbidly obese would be so jealous of you being able to control your weight, not have to have debilitating side effects and inject a drug each week they know will make them nauseaus and lose a day of the weekend. Not have to live with the stigma and prejudice every day in society and in work particularly.

Its almost like envying a disabled person their disability benefits... Or a wheelchair user not having to walk...

I have been many different weights in my life. I have experienced being underweight, healthy weight, over weight and obese.

I genuinely don't think some people who are obese understand that healthy weight individuals can be even more distressed by their weight than obese people.

I have been obese and actually not too bothered by it. I definitely didn't think I looked the weight I was. I have been healthy weight or a bit overweight, and so distressed and exhausted with the constant calorie counting, working out, food noise, mental battles that it took a massive toll on my mental health.

Obese people are not the only people who want to change their weight and it's ok that others are considering this too.

I'm pretty sure if there is a medical condition called 'obesity', then I have it. Even though my weight hasn't tipped into the obese range for many years. That's largely been down to daily stressful struggles and now mounjaro has enabled me to relax and let go of the calorie and food noise fight and to manage to attain the weight I want without over exercise and killing myself in the gym. I'm now exercising more moderately and in a kinder way to my body. I think that's ok.

I cannot know what mental struggles and physical struggles you go through everyday. But equally, you cannot know what mental and physical struggles I go through, or the OP goes through or anyone else goes through.

Let's b kind to each other!!

Hmmm.

Very much like the rich person threads on here asking how to cope on 100k... Yes it might well be a problem for them and they could well have scarcity mindset and have issues over money, private school etc. BUT it is not equivalent to someone struggling on the breadline.

Yes you can have disordered eating at any size but to be jealous of those "who have it easy" who are morbid obese as per OP is clearly disordered thinking - and I was pointing that out. It's genuinely worth seeking help for it rather than accepting that they're right to be jealous.

It can take quite a bit of therapy to unpick thinking patterns and in my experience is well worth it. (Genuinely. My eating and thinking was disordered when I was a "healthy weight" but it's still a very different lived experience to being morbidly obese and needing medical treatment as well as psychological)

And I will still challenge abelist threads and threads like these.

gain weight then and get the jab...

Jealousy is a strange emotion isn't it- its human nature to want what you can't have.

For example -you're jealous of me, someone on the jabs, whereas I'm jealous of you, someone who can maintain a healthy BMI through willpower alone.

I wish I didn't need the jabs, but I do.

@JustLetGo

I'm pretty sure if there is a medical condition called 'obesity', then I have it. Even though my weight hasn't tipped into the obese range for many years.

Yes, I understand and agree with this I think. One of the reasons that MJ is a long term medication and why it's so hard for formerly obese people to maintain weight loss is because obesity is not 'cured' by losing weight. To use an odd metaphor it's like saying alcoholism is cured by stopping drinking. You can be dry, but still be an alcoholic. So I do understand your position. I'm not supporting lying to get the medication, but I think in time it will be prescribed for 'only' overweight formerly obese people as a way to manage the ongoing effects of the condition.

If you aren't losing weight you need to eat less. That is easier when you have hunger suppression but it's the same process whether you are taking tirzepatide or not.

For me, WLI have been a game changer. Try as I might, I just couldn't loose the weight. I've lost 3.5 stone, and am now a healthy weight for the first time in my life. I literally never thought this would be possible, and your friends probably feel the same. It has been hard work, but it is now achievable for me. This might be why your friends are feeling so happy.

Try to remember that it is a treatment for a medical condition (obesity) rather than an aid to look better. There are risks with this medication, however the risks are worthwhile when you take the risks of obesity into account.

Weight loss is faster/better/healthier/more sustainable with exercise. Your friend who can't be bothered going for a walk will probably find she doesn't do as well on the meds, but that's something for her to sort out.

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel jealous, but conversely I'm jealous that you can maintain a healthy weight with no medical help.

😔
What exercise are you doing with your PT.

What does a typical day of food look like? How much protein and how much fibre?

i’m 50 and for the first time in my life I’m happy with how I look (size 10) even though my weight is higher than I’d like (BMI is 25).

What has made a difference is very heavy lifting (think 80kg squats, 60kg bench and 100kg deadlift). Working towards pull ups. I’ve managed to lose fat and gain muscle so weight same but look much better.

Typical day (eat more at weekends if maintaining)
breakfast 250g fat free high protein yoghurt
10g chia seeds
100g berries
latte with skimmed milk

lunch
Huge bowl salad with 120g salmon
balsamic dressing (5g olive oil)

dinner
200g chicken breast
100g of five different veg (100g of each)
eg broccoli cauliflower courgette cabbage mushrooms carrots erc

snacks
25g protein shake
apple

I expect at some point in the future anyone with a BMI over 20 will be able to buy Mounjaro and similar drugs.

The argument that the risk of the drug is too great for people of a healthy weight doesn't wash when people are allowed to stay on the drug until BMI 20.

The use of the drug is widespread already and growing rapidly. If people of a healthy weight /slightly overweight aren't allowed to buy it legitimately there will be an enormous trade in buying "off the internet" from non qualified/licenced sellers and it would be safer for people to know what they are buying.

@JustLetGo agree 100%

I do LOADS of exercise - including triathlon. I swim 5k per week, cycle 60k and do park run regularly. I do one weight class per week and 10K steps every day, But my BMI is 27+, I have high cholestrol. I did a half Ironman last year without loosing a lb. I have beautiful clothes that don't fit as I am post menopausal and my weight is creeping up. I drink no alcohol.
I've just started on MJ and I think I've lost 2-3lbs in 2.5 weeks. I'm thrilled to be less hungry. Regular exercise makes you hungry. It is very hard to have a calorie deficit.
I'm not 'cheating' in that I put in my real numbers for the online prescription, but i do feel a bit of a fake. But with a BMI of 27 and high cholestrol, I was prescribed it - to my relief. I guess i feel a fake as I don't look my weight - but i feel it.

The argument that the risk of the drug is too great for people of a healthy weight doesn't wash when people are allowed to stay on the drug until BMI 20.

You're missing the point that people with BMI 20 who previously had BMI 30+ are at risk of becoming obese again. People who start at BMI 20 are not at risk of becoming obese. That's why the guidance says ok to keep prescribing to people with obesity who have lost weight, not ok to prescribe to people with a low starting BMI.

Plenty of people are BMI 20-25 at 20 years old and BMI 30+ by 40 odd.

Plenty of people have high blood Pressure when they get older but we don't medicate when they're in their 20s just in case...

But all this distracts from the main issue. OP is a healthy weight and struggling with what is in her head. The discussion around obesity is a complete side issue. The issue here is to do with what's happening in the brain.

Honestly good therapy is worth it's weight in gold.

So? That doesn't mean anything

Possibly, but also she used to be obese and equally she could be struggling with what's in her body and what she needs is medication. The presumption that obesity is all caused by psychological problems and can be solved by therapy is really out of date.

No I didn't say obesity was psychological 🙄.

I am saying being a healthy weight - yet not happy with her body size, restricting, living a life where she is daily living annexhausting and relentless battle (all from OP) is a life that could benefit from therapy not weight loss.

Right. But your perspective is that she needs psychological help why? To stop caring about remaining a healthy weight? Because the battle to STAY healthy is what she's struggling with. So you're advising psychological support either to help her lose weight/stay her current weight or stop caring about gaining weight. OP doesn't want to gain weight and doesn't want to stop caring about gaining weight, so in my submission what she more likely needs is medical help to maintain a healthy weight due to having a metabolism and hormone system damaged by obesity. I used to think I needed psychological help to stop over eating, turns out my head is fine, I needed medication to fix my screwed up hormones, metabolism and fat cells. Now I'm no longer hungry all the time and obsessed with food I can easily see it's a physical issue, not a psychological one. Recommending therapy to someone who is struggling with a physical issue is infuriating TBH. Unless it's something that cannot be changed and therapy is to support acceptance of that fact - it's just patronising.

NO not at all. I think you are reading your situation into this one.

She is a very healthy weight and is doing all his to lose more weight. I honestly think a level of therapy around disordered eating/thinking will help.

Not at all patronising. I've been there. I have had both medication and therapy. There are 2 separate issues. One is physical about health and weight. The OP is a very healthy weight, exercises etc.
The other issue is psychological around self image/body image and believing she needs to live a relentless battle to lose another stone. That is not healthy.

I'm very pro GLP-1s. I'm very pro antidepressants too. They are both amazing tools. But they wont fix the exhausting battle in the brain.

I completely get the (misplaced) jealousy and have also felt it, it really doesn’t help though, but we’re all human and when the food noise is loud, it’s easy to see why it happens. I’m over 60 and lost a good amount in the last year through old fashioned calorie counting, protein focus, enjoy what I eat, nutritious food with nothing “bad” off menu. This does help reduce food noise. I would tell my younger self to ignore everyone else, and focus on strength and fitness, plus nutrition and not to cut out any food groups. To me this is sustainable and there’s nothing like feeling strong when you’re older!

You said you’ve severely restricted food. Your body therefore thinks there's a risk of famine and will do everything it can to store fat and seek out food.

The only way to lose weight and keep it off, with WLI or not, is to make peace with your body and get it on side. This means intuitive eating, maybe accepting some gains, working to reduce cortisol and improve insulin response.

That was me at 45. Well done it’s bloody hard work and those weights are impressive, you’ve inspired me to get arse back in gear, I turn 50 in a few weeks.

i had surgery and never quite got back to my full capacity but i know it have it in me. 60kg bench here i come.

OP I do kind of understand what you are saying but like some others advised maybe unpick the why as it sounds like you are pretty healthy.