Thanks @TheBiscuitStrikesBack
the scared - i think - comes from the last time i lost large amounts of weight. I was living abroad in a hellish environment, abusive relationship and in total shock. Culture shock, Relationship shock, seeing how my family were kind of part of the problem shock, it was a monumentally upsetting, traumatising and hurtful time. I came home eventually with agoraphobia.
I remember a period where I ate almost nothing, a bite from a roll - literally - I'd cook but leave it totally untouched. I think I just wanted to run away from it all, cease to exist in it. I was not depressed, i was trapped. I was totally and utterly alone (with a tiny baby). I wanted to disappear. I thought it was a cry for help at some point, and when that went unnoticed, i just wanted to erase myself.
So the idea of losing weight triggered emotions from a very bad place and on some level the idea of addressing it felt too hard. I've been gone from that place for over 15 years, I've fixed the agoraphobia, but the food/hormones/weight clusterbomb had catapulted me into a place where i HAD to do something about it.
And here I am, i made this decision out of desperation, and I am now elated. Perhaps it's the community of here - god love MN, it got me out and saw me through the climb out to freedom from these toxic people, it saved me in many ways and perhaps this is MN helping save me again.
The Juniper Community is astounding, there are stories there that would make the Stately Homes thread weep. There are incredible people with incredible weight loss with inspirational personal growth, and we are on this path and only on the very first steps.
i have another holiday booked at the end of Sept, I might actually look halfway acceptable by then! I have a really important trip in the winter too, spending time with someone so truly glamorous and amazing, i really didn't want to look huge and frumpy.