Why was my son excluded after being invited to the wedding party?

[TheNattyShark]

last year, my 11 year old son was asked to be in his cousins wedding. We were thrilled for him. However, as the wedding day quickly approached, we realized we had no info on wedding attire, rehearsals etc. When I asked what the plan was, we were told he was NOT part of the wedding party. This is completely contrary to the original invite.

Without going into a long explanation of back and forth between the family, we agreed my son could be a junior groomsman and still participate. We rented a very expensive tux that the bride chose and happily took part in the preliminary events. The day before and of the wedding turned out quite different.

First, my son was excluded from rehearsal, did not receive a gift (not that this was important) like the other groomsman, did not have his name in the program, was not allowed to be in the procession or any photos and did not receive a boutonnière even though there was one extra. My son behaved beautifully even though you could see the hurt in his eyes.

why did this happen? Why would the bride/groom do this to a child? BTW, there were other children in the wedding and they were treated like royalty!

My thought exactly. I bet the groom is OP's son's cousin, and he wanted him as a junior groomsman. But it's how the BRIDE wants it. What the hell's it got to do with her? She has no more say over who the groom chooses as groomsmen than he has over who she chooses as bridesmaids. And I bet she has flower girls!

My DDs wedding is no children! It’s SO much easier than this saga!

It's a shame they went back on their word. Kids have a right to upset, just as adults do, and people shouldn't assume that boys don't care about things like this, obviously your son does.

Fuck me that’s a hell of a leap. She was such a bitch that she was forced into including OP’s son 🤣🤣🤣

And she was probably pissed off that this overtook her day (because there doesn’t seem much chance that the OP attended with good grace and she already said her son was visibly disappointed).

Sensible! Threads like this show how sensible that is!

And he’s old enough to understand. It’s only a drama because OP made it so

@OP i'd give up on this thread to be honest. There are some very nasty posters here who are purposefully spinning their own tale and not interested in apportioning any blame on the couple, since comes down to either the 'bitchy Bride' or the11yr old SON! Therein lies your problem. If it had been an 11yr old girl, you would've had much more sympathetic replies but its a boy and no one cares that he's hurt.
Sorry he's been hurt like this, take him out as a treat and lots of tlc from his you & his dad and try and forget about it.

His sex is irrelevant. It’s on the OP that this happened.

And he already had a day out at the wedding!

At some point he’s going to have to learn that people say shit and it doesn’t matter, but he can’t expect the world to revolve around him

Isn't Junior Groomsman the equivalent of fifth Shepherd on the Right in a Nativity Play? It's the sort of title that's given to shut up pushy parents make somebody feel important when they have to be found somewhere.

Yup - exactly that 🤣🤣🤣🤣

This. I’m not understanding why so many people can’t see the situation clearly. The couple asked a child to be part of the wedding party, then dropped him without a word to him or his parents. In the lead up to the wedding the OP quite rightly wanted to find out what her ds had to wear/do as a member of the wedding party so contacted the couple only to find out they didn’t want him anymore as a pageboy/groomsman. Of course a child would be disappointed. Ignore the comments on here, OP. So many of them are just obnoxious for the sake of it. I’m sorry your ds was treated with such disregard.

Really OP? You “agreed” on your son’s role in someone else’s wedding? You were wrong to force the issue, and your actions led to further upset for your son.

What you should have done is let this be a teachable moment for your son: people can be mean and act badly, but that he can hold his head up high and be the bigger person. By forcing the issue you have blown it up into a much bigger situation.

Regardless of what was “promised” or not, it was not your wedding, and once plans were finalised you needed to just accept them as they were.

That honestly sounds really hurtful, especially for a kid who was excited and trying to be part of something special. It feels like poor communication or last-minute decisions, but they should have handled it much more thoughtfully.

You missed out the part where the OP clearly had a number if ‘discussions’ to force the issue so he would still be in the wedding party

And there were clearly discussions - how embarrassingly pushy is that!

Kids and adults are always going to have disappointments when things don't work out or are cancelled. It's best to help kids learn to cope with that so he'd have enjoyed just being a regular guest, rather than trying to force the issue.

I'm in the UK and there were wedding rehearsals when I got married 50 years ago, very informal at the church with the vicar so people knew what they were doing on the day. The only thing I can see that you did that I would have done differently, is leave them to it when I saw what they were doing to my son and go have a nice meal somewhere.

OP... the wedding has been and gone. It doesn't sound like nice treatment but in weddings, people can't accomodate everyone all the time. They are too focused on their own day.

You say your son is feeling down about it...

What can you possibly do about it now that will help your son get over it?

You have dwelt on all the slights you feel he suffered and being annoyed about the wedding program etc on here and I wonder how much of this upset he's feeling is because you are highlighting things that he may not have even noticed.
I say this kindly but i really do feel that continuing to discuss it with him at this stage when nothing can be done will only make him feel worse.

Particularly as apart from the wedding planner saying It's what the bride wants whichI'm guessing is a standard line she has, You don't seem to know why they did the things you accuse them of.. has anyone mentioned it or found out? Maybe there is some explanation?

Either way, I don't think it is helping your son for you to still be so angry about something that is now in the past and cannot be changed. Ask yourself what you want from this.. Would an apology make either you or your son feel better?

Would it be better for your son if you just said... that's the way these things work sometimes, no point worrying about it now, whats done is done, so both of you could move forward from this onto something that he would enjoy and would take his mind off the whole thing. In my experience, no one cares about other peoples weddings a very short time after the event, or even remembers what the various wedding roles/speeches etc were.
Life is too short to let yourself get too upset by this.

Sounds like the groom issued the invite and it did not fit in with the Bride's vision. It was mean to withdraw the invite. However it was very wrong of you going back and forth and basically forcing them to include him in the wedding. They did not really see him as part of the wedding party hence why he was not named in the program or given a gift. It would have been better to not have got involved and simply explain to your son that sometimes plans change and you have to make the best of it.

@ MeetMeOnTheCorner-
If you have a church wedding, you have a rehearsal. I’m C of E, but all my children who are married had a rehearsal before their weddings. There was a rehearsal dinner or drinks afterwards, too. And we’re in the UK. I understand from a friend whose DS married an American girl that the rehearsal dinner over there is a big deal, and usually paid for by the father of the groom.

Honey, our job on this earth as a parent is to help our children manage situations and disappointment.

you should have just explained to him that the situation has clearly changed, no idea why but it had.

and as for printed programmes now becoming a “thing” in the US, someone needs to stop this nonsense as it’s just another way of someone else commercialising weddings and taking your money

plus it’ll end up being a “thing” over here and things like Halloween, School Proms, stupid elaborate hen days and fucking baby showers are already plaguing the UK.

Yet your OP says:

Without going into a long explanation of back and forth between the family, we agreed my son could be a junior groomsman and still participate.

Something which can have a ‘long explanation of back and forth between the family’ does not sound like one call.

It was a year ago. I think you behaved terribly but it’s done now so probably time to move on with your lives.