Why was my son excluded after being invited to the wedding party?

[TheNattyShark]

last year, my 11 year old son was asked to be in his cousins wedding. We were thrilled for him. However, as the wedding day quickly approached, we realized we had no info on wedding attire, rehearsals etc. When I asked what the plan was, we were told he was NOT part of the wedding party. This is completely contrary to the original invite.

Without going into a long explanation of back and forth between the family, we agreed my son could be a junior groomsman and still participate. We rented a very expensive tux that the bride chose and happily took part in the preliminary events. The day before and of the wedding turned out quite different.

First, my son was excluded from rehearsal, did not receive a gift (not that this was important) like the other groomsman, did not have his name in the program, was not allowed to be in the procession or any photos and did not receive a boutonnière even though there was one extra. My son behaved beautifully even though you could see the hurt in his eyes.

why did this happen? Why would the bride/groom do this to a child? BTW, there were other children in the wedding and they were treated like royalty!

Have you spoken to them since the wedding and told them that your son was upset?

I do think it's very sensible to think before you speak and not say things that will get another person's hopes up when you aren't sure that you can commit to what you've said. I don't think any of the adults here handled it well.

The OP didn’t anyway.

An adult might have the judgement not to put too much weight on a casual comment (if indeed that's what it was, the OP hasn't said that). A child probably doesn't.

It's a bit pointless debating what 11 year olds in general might think about a family wedding. We're talking about a specific 11 year old, the OP's son. She has said he was hurt - she's his mum, I think we can trust her knowledge of her own child's feelings.

I think the couple did too though. Perhaps they are of the belief that an 11 year old couldn't possibly be excited about a wedding, that seems a common belief. It was silly to get the child's hopes up even if they weren't deliberately trying to be cruel.

Second, I didn’t demand he be in the wedding- I called the groom and said see if you and the bride can use him in some role.

I’m cringing for you. Who does that?? It sounds like you got his hopes up on the back of a casual comment, You backed them into a corner. They clearly felt they needed to cobble something together for the sake of family calm. And instead of being grateful, you made a list of shit he missed out on.

When you say ‘you could see the hurt in his eyes’, that is on you unfortunately.

But it was the OP who muscled in and asked them to find him a role and clearly got his hopes up about his importance on the day.

No, they got his hopes up by making the invitation in the first place. When they then withdrew it, OP's son was always going to be disappointed however OP dressed it up for him.

The OP mentioned that her child was asked verbally to be in the wedding party by the couple. It sounds as though he took this request at face value and you can't blame an 11 year old for doing that. Yes I agree that when no further info came his parents should have handled the situation better but it wasn't like the idea of him being groomsman came out of nowhere.

last year, my 11 year old son was asked to be in his cousins wedding

That doesn't suggest to me that it was an invitation to be part of the wedding party, but just an invitation to the wedding.

No it didn’t. But it could have been explained to him. Instead OP asked for a role for him - you can’t blame the B&G for not treating him like the guest of honour. They included him. The fact that he was clearly expecting the gifts etc has to have come from the OP.

If he went round looking disappointed then that’s not great.

On the plus side I don’t think the OP will need to worry about those kind of misunderstandings again as the family will know not to say anything, even casually.

In our case, it was the C of S minister who expected the rehearsal - but it was very brief indeed.

One nephew was married in England, the other in Scotland. In each case, the celebrant organised a rehearsal.

However, I've been part of the wedding party on another two occasions, both C of S weddings. The first was '67 (I was flower girl). There was no rehearsal. Similarly, there was no rehearsal for my best friend's wedding in '79.

I think that wedding rehearsals are a slightly more recent development in the UK.

I wouldn't have let him participate from the outset

He clearly wasn't wanted

You should have been otherwise engaged

How can that be explained in a non-hurtful way to an 11 year old?

"When Cousin Johnny invited you to be in his wedding party, he didn't mean it"
"Cousin Johnny's found out there isn't room for you in his wedding party"
"Cousin Johnny's changed his mind about having you in his wedding party"

An 11 year old is always going to be disappointed, and this is a family member he's close to, not a mate at school he'll have forgotten in two year's time.

Then the 11 year old gets to the wedding and sees other children doing that role instead of him and is hurt again.

OP wasn't asking for 'guest of honour' - just the same pleasant things afforded to the rest of the party - a buttonhole (when there was actually an unused one kicking around) and whatever token gift they were all given.

‘Plans have changed, but we’ll all go together as a family now, and have a lovely day.’

Job done.

"But Cousin Johnny said I could be a groomsman! Why doesn't he want me anymore?"

I'd have been honest, cousin Johnny messed up, it was wrong of him to ask you to be in his wedding and not follow through. It's normal to be disappointed but sometimes people will let you down. Then I'd focus on the positives of less responsibility on the day.

He was there because they had to have him. Any expectations were on the OP. Assuming he was the only ‘junior groomsman’ she could have said that he wasn’t a groomsman so it was slightly different.

‘Don’t worry about it, mummy will phone cousin Johnny and insist on a role for you, my little prince’ (channels Pam from Gavin and Stacy)

The wedding was probably a decade ago and @TheNattyShark is still bitter about it. Her son has probably completely forgotten about it!

I can’t stand all this “wedding party” bollocks politics. ‘Groomsmen’ aren’t even a thing. They don’t even have a role. It’s just some pissed off American groom has, at some point said “Why do you get a load of bridesmaids and I’ve only got one best man? I want an entourage too because I can’t bear the thought of my bride being centre of attention for one solitary day” and hence ‘groomsmen’ were born. Once it hit Instagram it became a thing here.

With respect, your son is 11. He got to hand out orders of service, got a dinner, had his photo taken and went to a disco, just as any page boy would. I’m sure he won’t have even noticed that he wasn’t a part of the Americanised wedding party if you hadn’t pointed it out. You had a nice day, just leave it at that.

Without going into a long explanation of back and forth between the family, we agreed my son could be a junior groomsman and still participate.

This bit made me headpalm. It sounds like the inclusion of the boy was the result of a lot of pressure

Your opinion of the wedding format is not relevant to the thread. The point is, a child was told he could play a special role in a family event, and that promise was withdrawn, then followed through in a grudging and ungracious way.

That's rude and uncaring behaviour no matter what the event or surrounding culture is.

Once they said that plans had changed and he wasn’t going to be in the wedding party, that should have been the end of it. Why call it ‘back and forth’ if it was one phone call?? And if it was one phone call, does that mean they made the decision on the spot to have him as junior groomsman?! Hes 11 years old, not 4! As his parents your can explain to him that plans have changed due to XYZ and he won’t be part of the wedding party but he is still going! You seem like a pushy parent who thinks the world revolves round their child. It’s not even a particularly close relative ffs. And that fact the groom was a 5 YO at your wedding makes ZERO difference, he probably barely remembers it and certainly wasn’t orchestrating his own involvement. This is insane, entitled and just plain rude.

Only rude one was OP who clearly had to push hard to get her son included.

So embarrassing