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Original poster

Why was my son excluded after being invited to the wedding party?

122 replies

TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 15:04

last year, my 11 year old son was asked to be in his cousins wedding. We were thrilled for him. However, as the wedding day quickly approached, we realized we had no info on wedding attire, rehearsals etc. When I asked what the plan was, we were told he was NOT part of the wedding party. This is completely contrary to the original invite.

Without going into a long explanation of back and forth between the family, we agreed my son could be a junior groomsman and still participate. We rented a very expensive tux that the bride chose and happily took part in the preliminary events. The day before and of the wedding turned out quite different.

First, my son was excluded from rehearsal, did not receive a gift (not that this was important) like the other groomsman, did not have his name in the program, was not allowed to be in the procession or any photos and did not receive a boutonnière even though there was one extra. My son behaved beautifully even though you could see the hurt in his eyes.

why did this happen? Why would the bride/groom do this to a child? BTW, there were other children in the wedding and they were treated like royalty!

OP posts:
crowfollower · 19/04/2026 16:23

You literally PRESSURED them to "make" a role for him. You were the rude one!

Original poster
TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 16:25

PoppinjayPolly · 19/04/2026 16:11

So he wasn’t picked? You called and asked for him to be included? didn’t demand he be in the wedding- I called the groom and said see if you and the bride can use him in some role

I called the groom and asked IF he could be included in some role. I didn’t demand.

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 19/04/2026 16:25

I agree with previous posters. This here…

„I called the groom and said see if you and the bride can use him in some role.“

sounds like you were rude and pushy. Just accept and invite and don’t make anything more of it.

I am sorry your son was upset, but I it sounds like you made a thing of it not the bride. Sounds like something from Eastenders!!

sittingonabeach · 19/04/2026 16:26

@TheNattyShark why did you ask, surely you wait until you are asked

PinkNailPolish2026 · 19/04/2026 16:29

I think you sounded pushy too asking for him to be given a role especially after reading this Without going into a long explanation of back and forth between the family, we agreed my son could be a junior groomsman and still participate which suggests you were pushing for him to be in the wedding from early on. I think they just said yes to keep the peace tbh.

YeahNoCoolCrap · 19/04/2026 16:30

Surprised at some of these responses. The OP has clearly said her son was originally told he would be in the wedding party, but then the B&G reneged on this.

OP did not ring them out of the blue demanding a role for her son.

This is an 11 year old child - it would be inconsiderate and a little hurtful for an adult, but you shouldn't promise a child something like that and then let them down; and eventually treat them like an afterthought on the day.

TofuTuesday · 19/04/2026 16:30

It sounds like he was asked , then nothing else was said so mum rang to ask the situation and said can you find a role he’s excited he’s been asked.

Wolfiefan · 19/04/2026 16:33

Sorry but if you’re not invited then it’s incredibly rude to call and ask to be invited. Pushy and frankly cringeworthy.

Original poster
TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 16:33

YeahNoCoolCrap · 19/04/2026 16:30

Surprised at some of these responses. The OP has clearly said her son was originally told he would be in the wedding party, but then the B&G reneged on this.

OP did not ring them out of the blue demanding a role for her son.

This is an 11 year old child - it would be inconsiderate and a little hurtful for an adult, but you shouldn't promise a child something like that and then let them down; and eventually treat them like an afterthought on the day.

Thank you and Tofuthursday - you two get it. My son was asked, excited about the role and I was just trying to see if there was a solution. No one demanded anything. I too am disappointed with these responses.

OP posts:
HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2026 16:34

last year, my 11 year old son was asked to be in his cousins wedding. We were thrilled for him.

Second, I didn’t demand he be in the wedding- I called the groom and said see if you and the bride can use him in some role. They said Jr Groomsman.

Wow. So your first statement was inaccurate and misleading. What you did was inappropriate. You put your nephew on the spot and he agreed to something without talking it over with his fiancee first. Or they just said yes because they felt awkward at saying no. They went away and thought about it and decided that wasn't how they wanted to proceed. Perhaps there were young relatives on her side of the family too, so it would have opened up the floodgates to having to include them in some special way as well and it looked like getting out of hand.

So they've just tried to behave as if the conversation never happened, allowing him to turn up in a tux but not actually including him as part of the official wedding party. I feel a bit sorry for your son, but this is entirely your fault.

WhatNoRaisins · 19/04/2026 16:34

The couple handled it badly by asking him verbally and then changing their minds but I think you made it more awkward by insisting on him having a role. I think when you push for what you want like that it rarely goes well. It would have been better to explain to your DS that the couple messed up but he could still have fun seeing his family at the wedding.

Liverpool52 · 19/04/2026 16:35

DripDripAprilshower · 19/04/2026 15:31

Yes, the wedding planner said that’s how the bride wants it.

Maybe the bride is a bitch?

Why would the wedding planner tell the Op that? Absolute rubbish.

PoppinjayPolly · 19/04/2026 16:38

How did the very first conversation go @TheNattyShark ? They contacted you saying “we want ds in our wedding party?”

Lostallhistory · 19/04/2026 16:38

What was the exact initial conversation? Did they specifically ask him to be a groomsman or did they just say they'd like him to be a part of their wedding?

lizzyBennet08 · 19/04/2026 16:42

To be fair . It sounds a
bit like they had asked him verbally without giving it much thought and then for what ever reason thought better of it.

it seems instead of of just telling you that . They instead didn't say anything and were hoping that you would take the hint when he didn't get included in any of the arrangements which wasn't well done of them. Not sure I'd have Asked at tha stage but thy clearly felt put on the spot and had his as a token juniors groomsman after all the printing etc had been done ,

honestly not well handled by both of ye so I think I'd move on and forget about it.

Original poster
TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 16:44

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2026 16:34

last year, my 11 year old son was asked to be in his cousins wedding. We were thrilled for him.

Second, I didn’t demand he be in the wedding- I called the groom and said see if you and the bride can use him in some role. They said Jr Groomsman.

Wow. So your first statement was inaccurate and misleading. What you did was inappropriate. You put your nephew on the spot and he agreed to something without talking it over with his fiancee first. Or they just said yes because they felt awkward at saying no. They went away and thought about it and decided that wasn't how they wanted to proceed. Perhaps there were young relatives on her side of the family too, so it would have opened up the floodgates to having to include them in some special way as well and it looked like getting out of hand.

So they've just tried to behave as if the conversation never happened, allowing him to turn up in a tux but not actually including him as part of the official wedding party. I feel a bit sorry for your son, but this is entirely your fault.

Wow yourself. Either you can’t read or you think their behavior was acceptable. My statement isn’t inaccurate. Go back and read my posts. Both bride and groom asked him to be in the wedding party, then reneged. We had no expectation, nor did we ask for our son to be in the wedding. It was only after the revelation that he wasn’t in the wedding did we inquired about a small role. They built up the expectation, not us.

OP posts:
HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2026 16:47

TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 16:44

Wow yourself. Either you can’t read or you think their behavior was acceptable. My statement isn’t inaccurate. Go back and read my posts. Both bride and groom asked him to be in the wedding party, then reneged. We had no expectation, nor did we ask for our son to be in the wedding. It was only after the revelation that he wasn’t in the wedding did we inquired about a small role. They built up the expectation, not us.

Show quote history

Ok, I've obviously completely misunderstood what happened as you've described it. I'll read it all again and see if it makes more sense to me second time around.

Fifthtimelucky · 19/04/2026 16:48

I know this is not the point of the thread, but do people really have programmes these days with the names of the people in the wedding party?

I’m familiar with an order of service, obviously, but have never seen anyone’s names in them except for the bride and groom and whoever is doing the readings, plus any singers/musicians.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/04/2026 16:49

‘We agreed my son could be a junior groomsman’

‘I asked if there was a role for him’

’No pressure’

So basically they went along with it to keep the peace but didn’t actually want him there and hadn’t factored in presents etc.

Do you think the cost of the tux may have been high in the hope you wouldn’t push through with it?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/04/2026 16:50

They changed their mind first time around - was he really going to be that bothered unless you had built him up to it?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/04/2026 16:51

TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 15:15

The original invite was verbal and my son was like a brother to the couple. He had never misbehaved or anything.

A verbal invitation? Presumably when they hadn’t actually made the arrangements? I’m actually cringing for you

crowfollower · 19/04/2026 16:53

They verbally told the child he could be in the wedding party. They didn't give him a job or a title or allocate anything at all. Probably mentioned it casually thinking he could have out leaflets or something. The child didn't know WHAT job he was going to be doing for it to be taken away from him.

Without going into a long explanation of back and forth between the family, we agreed my son could be a junior groomsman and still participate

After back and forth between the family? Are you for real? How long did the negotiations take before you got what you wanted?

You rand them asking them to CREATE a role for your son. That is just mortifying.

Original poster
TheNattyShark · 19/04/2026 17:01

Fifthtimelucky · 19/04/2026 16:48

I know this is not the point of the thread, but do people really have programmes these days with the names of the people in the wedding party?

I’m familiar with an order of service, obviously, but have never seen anyone’s names in them except for the bride and groom and whoever is doing the readings, plus any singers/musicians.

We’re in the States and yes, it has become a thing. Plus announcing all the wedding party members etc. And as for invitations to be in the wedding party, they are almost always informal verbal asks.

OP posts:
Betterbyfar · 19/04/2026 17:03

Ooooh I bet you stomped around this wedding with a face like thunder, bitching to anyone and everyone behind the couple’s backs. I suspect though that anyone you bitched to knows you well enough and just inwardly eye rolled.

Fifthtimelucky · 19/04/2026 17:04

Thanks. Interesting. I don’t think it happens in the UK - or at least I have never seen it here.