Why was my son excluded after being invited to the wedding party?

[TheNattyShark]

last year, my 11 year old son was asked to be in his cousins wedding. We were thrilled for him. However, as the wedding day quickly approached, we realized we had no info on wedding attire, rehearsals etc. When I asked what the plan was, we were told he was NOT part of the wedding party. This is completely contrary to the original invite.

Without going into a long explanation of back and forth between the family, we agreed my son could be a junior groomsman and still participate. We rented a very expensive tux that the bride chose and happily took part in the preliminary events. The day before and of the wedding turned out quite different.

First, my son was excluded from rehearsal, did not receive a gift (not that this was important) like the other groomsman, did not have his name in the program, was not allowed to be in the procession or any photos and did not receive a boutonnière even though there was one extra. My son behaved beautifully even though you could see the hurt in his eyes.

why did this happen? Why would the bride/groom do this to a child? BTW, there were other children in the wedding and they were treated like royalty!

Are you for real? The back and forth was one phone call which was very civilized. I don’t care about me - as another poster mentioned it was to avoid having a child disappointed and hurt. Sheesh!

Second, I didn’t demand he be in the wedding- I called the groom and said see if you and the bride can use him in some role
Eh? You attempted to bulldoze him in!
Why would you do that?

You, I imagine, hugely fanned the flames of his disappointment

Exactly

The OP just can’t seem to see it, can she? Must make family’s lives very tricky

How long ago was the wedding?

You are in the States - there you go that’s why you are getting the repossessions you are getting.

most people on this site are British and culturally our weddings a pretty different to American ones which explain why
people think you are overreacting.

You absolutely let yourself down. The child had no clue what job he was going to be doing, so you made one for him and bamboozled the couple into agreeing. That was THEIR day and you poked your big nose it and changed it.

Pity it didn't work out in your favour now isn't it. Fair play to the bride and groom for standing their ground and not let you dictate what happens at their wedding. Your child was invited, he got to wear a suit. You should be happy you managed to persuade them to do that much.

OP - I think you need to drop this obsession. Back and forth etc. You misunderstood what his role was and then made a nuisance of yourself.

@Betterbyfar why so nasty?

I've had DC be involved in weddings in similar roles at age 6 and age 11. They knew how to behave.

My wedding in '94 was very low key, but the minister expected us to be at a very brief rehearsal where he went through what would happen when. ISTR that only my husband, parents and MOH were present. The best man was down in England at the time and flower girls only came on the day of the wedding.

Both my nephews had wedding rehearsals. It's quite normal unless it's a registry office wedding.

A wedding planner doing what the client asks? Whatever next 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

lol, yes that is exactly what I was going to say.

The boy is 11yo. If you can’t figure this out and/or manage the child’s disappointment kver the littlest of things - the size of his junior role in someone’s wedding - without resorting to the internet for answers, I think it’s reasonable to assume that you have in some way contributed to the problem. Your average 11yo boy isn’t going to notice the list of “problems” you’ve set out here.

Asking is a demand in this case. He wasn’t involved, why couldn’t he just accept that?

An 11yo is never going to be a proper groomsman. It’s like having a small flower girl alongside bridesmaids, they don’t wear the same dresses, carry the same bouquets and take part in the same way.

Agree with above. I get wanting to fix it when your DC is upset. In this case I think helping him to manage his disappointment would have served him better than a clunky fix that didn't work well. This isn't the last time he's going to be let down by someone and it could have been a learning experience.

@WearyAuldWumman My wedding was in 1981. No rehearsal. We did have a chat with the vicar when we asked for the church and DD and finance have just had a chat with the chapel preacher where they are getting married. The blessing ceremony 2 weeks later has no rehearsal either. People just know what to do.

I think most posters, including me, thought you meant that your son had merely been invited as a guest.

Most of us didn't realise that "in the wedding" meant being a member of the wedding party, so that is why you were challenged about contacting the couple and asking if your son was included in the wedding party.

We speak the same language most of the time, but sometimes misunderstandings happen.

Because I reckon this Op did precisely this. Fanned flames of her son’s disappointment and stomped around the wedding with a face like thunder.

I also suspect that this wedding wasn’t exactly recent.

To me, this seems to have been a mix of poor behaviour on both sides.
Wedding couple should not really have asked him in the first place but it sounds like they potentially forgot they had done so or thought better of it and then found themselves in an awkward spot and handled it badly.
You seem to have then put them on the spot by asking for a role for him when they had already told you that he didn’t really have one. They’ve caved in an attempt to keep the peace and in the end made nobody happy!
I do think you should not have asked them once they’d made it clear they’d changed their minds. But, equally, they shouldn’t have given him a token job if they’re not going to honour it.
Lesson learned- stay out of other peoples weddings unless specifically asked!

Are people reading a completely different thread from the one I'm reading?

The first mention of this was from the OP's son's cousin. They invited him to be part of the wedding party.

Then, nothing more was heard of it - the OP quite naturally followed it up as she needed to know what preparations were needed. Her 11 year old son all the while has been looking forward to it.

Then they say, no, not happening. The OP understandably wants to minimise the disappointment for her son - he is not old enough to take the more philosophical view an adult might take, he's going to be hurt and disappointed. So OP rings them and asks if they can 'find room for him'.

They agree - yay, they have made good their promise - except they haven't, they make no real effort to make him feel welcome on the day, they don't even give him a buttonhole that's going spare.

That's a rubbish way to treat an 11 year old child, especially one you have a close relationship with.

It sounds as though the initial invitation for you son to be part of the wedding party was bit of a verbal throw away comment made in the early stages of wedding planning. To the bride and groom it was probably a non-entity and perhaps they thought you would have forgotten about it, or you would have assumed the plans had changed due to the noticeable lack of communication from them. Obviously to you it was a big deal, and you & your son were hyped up about it but in hindsight the clues were very obvious that he was no longer included.

Personally, I probably would have sent the B&G a message to check that as you'd not heard anything should you assume that DS was no longer an active role in the wedding. I would never have then asked them to accommodate him. I can imagine that you doing so may have built up some resentment from the couple, and your relationship with them may be on slightly rocky ground from now on (depending on how annoyed they are with your interference).

11 is old enough to understand that sometimes situations change, that sometimes people make offers/promises that aren't followed through and that those instances can feel hurtful. I appreciate that it was disappointing for both you & your son but you would have been better to calmly explain to him that the situation had changed, rather then asking the B&G to shoehorn him into their wedding when they clearly didn't want to.

They verbally mentioned in it. But clearly the OP had to push it so he was included but apparently not enough.

Plus what self respecting 11yo is bothered about a family wedding?

People shouldn't make commitments they don't intend to follow through, especially not to a child.

What a strange comment about a child not being bothered about a wedding! I should imagine he felt proud and 'grown up' about the idea of being part of it. I would have been thrilled at that age - sadly, I was never a bridesmaid as a child, or indeed, as an adult, though I was a matron of honour once.

Casually mentioning it is not a commitment. It sounds like OP put the pressure on to get her son to be part of the wedding party and it backfired. It sounds like they made the day about him, as they made a mental list of things he ‘missed out’ on.

I have never known an 11 year old to be bothered about being ‘grown up’ - he’s not 5.