Dogs at a Wedding

[KateCookson]

My daughter recently got engaged and is planning her wedding. Her future husband has said he's not bothered about getting married "it's just a piece of paper" but that she can have whatever she wants - big or small. They have a small dog they want to include at the ceremony (not thrilled at the idea as the dog isn't well trained, but fine; it's what they want). Now future son-in-law says that his whole family will also be bringing their dogs as well - all large breeds including a German Shepherd who will be about a year old at the time they are planning the wedding ie a young lively dog. Having been bitten by a German Shepherd as a child and nervous around big dogs I'm not happy about the situation. I did a lot of research on venues in the belief it would be helpful (my daughter has a new and stressful job) but accepted the choice would be theirs, not mine and was prepared to pay a big chunk of the wedding bill. My husband has already said to them that we won't be comfortable at a wedding with lots of dogs (my daughter's dog bit him as a puppy and he needed tetanus/antibiotics etc) but my future son-in-law insists that they are part of the family.
I read a lot of posts here about 'interfering/controlling' in-laws and I guess that's how my future son-in-law sees me. I might add that my husband and I gave £40,000 to them as a deposit for the house, my daughter put in £30,000 from her savings and my son-in-law put in a big fat zero yet the house is owned by them jointly. I get that entitles me to nothing as it was a 'gift' but how about a little bit of respect (a thank you also might be nice!) Why can't his parents/siblings get a dog minder for their dogs for a day? Am I being unreasonable? Is it better to say nothing more and just let them get on and stay out of any organising (going to add that my daughter suffers from anxiety, and will struggle with researching/organising on her own) and just let them pay for it?

YABU because it’s not your day. Personally if my mum’s money came with strings & demands attached I wouldn’t want it anyway.

There are no strings/no demands. It's not "my day" but if I knew my Mum was nervous of big dogs, I'd ask my future in-laws not to bring their dogs to the wedding. I actually don't think my daughter wants the dogs either; she just doesn't want to express her own opinion - and remained silent when the subject came up. And just to add - originally we offered £30000 towards the house and then my daughter rang and said they needed a further £10000. The money was our hard-earned savings so yes, it does feel like a kick in the teeth.

I can understand your feelings. Weddings are always difficult for families on many levels: small wedding (can’t invite extended family), child free (can’t bring your kids/cousins etc), and many other examples. It’s hard when someone is fearful of dogs and the wedding will have dogs there, but I think there’s nothing you can do unless you want to create problems - which I’m sure you don’t. In this situation I’m afraid, the only choice you have is to deal with it and focus on the happy occasion.

Regarding the money. You are not obligated to give her any money unless you choose to. You can tell her that the original offer stands because you want to ensure that you still have enough for your retirement or whatever. She’s not entitled to any money. Saying that, I put all my savings into a mortgage so that my children will have their own home, it was something I never had and it was important to me.

But there is. You’re trying to dictate their day. Why should your feelings be more important than in laws at that point? You don’t like dogs, in laws do, you’re both equal. Why do your wants trump theirs- given it’s neither of your day?

The fact you’re even still going on about the money shows it did not come without strings and that you feel you are owed something back. You gave it as a gift, not to be used as a bribe to get your own way forevermore.

Thank you; you are absolutely right. The money has already been given and was done because we love her and wanted to help her buy her first home. She's over 30 and both she and her boyfriend earn a reasonable (but not huge) salary. Having read some of the responses here, I will step back and leave the wedding planning (and costs) entirely to them. To be honest, I've always thought people make too much fuss and spend way to much on weddings - it's just one day.

I expect the dogs will be on leads anyway.

im sorry your DD isn’t standing up for you. Do you see other red flags where she puts her STBDH’s wants/desires ahead of hers?

The only reason I'm still going on about money is because you implied I gave it with strings which is ridiculous - I just can't see why the future in-laws can't find a dog minder for one day. My daughter doesn't want to have their dogs at the wedding; she just doesn't want to go against her boyfriends wishes (if I'm honest I think he's a controlling gold-digger which is why I mentioned money in the first place, but I'm not going to upset my daughter by saying that because I CAN'T control her even if I wanted to). We're always helping out with time and favours and being there when anything goes wrong, so yes, I did hope for a bit of consideration. I'm guessing you don't have grown-up kids or you might have understood why a mother might like to actually enjoy her daughter's wedding without worrying about dogs.

I think they are being OTT with having the dogs there personally but I wouldn’t comment further. But I also wouldn’t offer any (more) money or help with arranging it.

Yes it’s only one day. You’ll get through it, dogs and all, and I hope you manage to enjoy it!

Your daughter’s wedding is not about you, so if you insist on creating issues for her you risk damaging your relationship with her and her husband. It’s just one day. Stop being difficult, put up with the dogs and get on with it.

Is your DD being coerced to accept his preferred arrangement.
Having a lot of dogs there when everyone is not cool with it seems tone deaf. Is he contributing anything towards the costs of the big day?

That is exactly what I feel. The dogs (plus owners of course!) also turned up at my DD's Birthday Party recently and she wasn't happy with it, so not sure why she's going along with the idea of dogs at a wedding. I recently went to my niece's wedding where the parents of the groom turned up with their dog (without asking if it was okay) and one of the bridesmaids was extremely nervous about it - it just seems inconsiderate to assume everyone is okay with dogs. Anyway, have spoken to my daughter about how I feel but she's an adult and will have to make her own decision. I do worry that if she feels she has to go along with it that her future relationship and marriage aren't going to be great either. And no, neither he or his parents are intending to contribute anything (and that includes time with the planning).

won't it limit the choice of venue ? Given you're uncomfortable with dogs, and German Shepherds particularly I think this is particularly insensitive

My Daughter's wedding is not about me, nor do I want it to be, nor do I want to control it - that's not the issue. I'm frightened of large dogs; it's in the title of the question! I can't change my fear; it's not about being difficult.

The flip side though is why can’t you put up with dogs for one day?

You’ve got no idea what your daughter wants, you said yourself this is all just what you think she thinks and she has not said.

It wouldn’t matter if you hadn’t given them a penny, it’s their day. They get to decide about the status of dog attendance, you can cope with whatever they decide for one day.

Ignore people who are saying you are being unreasonable. I understand how you feel, I would also hate to go to a wedding with a lot of large dogs.
Hopefully you will be able to stay well away from the dogs.
I wouldn't say anything else about it but don't offer to provide any more money to them, you have already enabled them to buy a house there is no need for you to fund or help to organise a wedding where you will feel very uncomfortable.

I sympathise with your concerns about the wedding OP, but I'm going to give you some good advice based on my relevant life experience. Don't plough money into this marriage, save it yourself. I've a feeling she's going to need a damn good divorce lawyer one day.

OP, you need to step back. Stop subsidising your daughter and her soon to be husband. If he really is a controlling gold digger your daughter needs to find out for herself. She won't do that if you're always there to cushion the blow. Or at least, it will take a lot longer and possibly several kids before she sees the light. Better sooner rather than later.

Personally I’d be on edge as a wedding guest with lots of dogs present. They’re just not my cup of tea following a bad experience as a child. I wouldn’t relax in the same way but I’d suck it up for a day.

regarding the money, it would have made sense for your £40k gift to have been legally ringfenced to keep it in your DDs ownership but I guess that comes with problems of its own. I’d hang back from putting any more money in at this point and wait and gift it to your DD later on as and when she needs it. I’d work on getting along with him as your daughter has picked him so don’t make her pick sides.

Rather than mentioning the dogs I'd be encouraging my DD to not marry this man. He sounds like a freeloader.

Have you already offered/given the wedding money? If not…don’t!

They’re being weird and selfish OP. A dog cannot appreciate a wedding, it does not now and will never know what a wedding is. What do they propose happens to them during the reception?

I am allergic to, and nervous of, dogs and while I can just about see how they might want to include their own dog for some photographs, the rest of it has to be a no.

Also you could point out it’s not just you - there are likely to be many guests with allergies, aversions and it’s just poor hosting to make your guests uncomfortable like that!