Dogs at a Wedding

[KateCookson]

My daughter recently got engaged and is planning her wedding. Her future husband has said he's not bothered about getting married "it's just a piece of paper" but that she can have whatever she wants - big or small. They have a small dog they want to include at the ceremony (not thrilled at the idea as the dog isn't well trained, but fine; it's what they want). Now future son-in-law says that his whole family will also be bringing their dogs as well - all large breeds including a German Shepherd who will be about a year old at the time they are planning the wedding ie a young lively dog. Having been bitten by a German Shepherd as a child and nervous around big dogs I'm not happy about the situation. I did a lot of research on venues in the belief it would be helpful (my daughter has a new and stressful job) but accepted the choice would be theirs, not mine and was prepared to pay a big chunk of the wedding bill. My husband has already said to them that we won't be comfortable at a wedding with lots of dogs (my daughter's dog bit him as a puppy and he needed tetanus/antibiotics etc) but my future son-in-law insists that they are part of the family.
I read a lot of posts here about 'interfering/controlling' in-laws and I guess that's how my future son-in-law sees me. I might add that my husband and I gave £40,000 to them as a deposit for the house, my daughter put in £30,000 from her savings and my son-in-law put in a big fat zero yet the house is owned by them jointly. I get that entitles me to nothing as it was a 'gift' but how about a little bit of respect (a thank you also might be nice!) Why can't his parents/siblings get a dog minder for their dogs for a day? Am I being unreasonable? Is it better to say nothing more and just let them get on and stay out of any organising (going to add that my daughter suffers from anxiety, and will struggle with researching/organising on her own) and just let them pay for it?

If a person is so batshit that they feel their dog needs to attend a wedding as what? A guest? Then they are likely equally batshit to think that their dog does not need to be on a leash because “he’s friendly”!

Although I sympathise as I understand some people are not comfortable with dogs, I’m afraid that yes you are being unreasonable. As you’ve already acknowledged, this is their wedding day and anyone’s wedding day will and should be exactly as they want it to be.
Whether children are included or not, whether there is a costume dress-up theme, a venue or activity involvement, or in this case, dogs included.
You sound like a loving, caring and very generous parent. Just take a deep breath and keep saying to yourself “I want my daughter to have the wedding exactly as she wants it”.
If the wedding is an average size then there will be plenty of space in the venue for you to not be in close contact with the dogs.

It sounds like a disaster. I would hate my daughter to marry a man in his 30s with a decent job but no savings or money . I do understand you wanting to do things for your DD but unfortunately he is tagging along and is benefiting from YOUR money . If they marry and then divorce he will be entitled to 50% of the house despite putting no money in . Is it too late to have deeds in her name only and he is treated as a tenant ? Or in yours ? I think I would be advising her to see solicitor if you think she would. If he objects , maybe it will affect her decision to marry just yet .
As regards dogs , just ignore it . No idea where they will find a venue to suit a large number of dogs so maybe they will have to change their plans .

@Soonenough makes a good point - it may not be worth saying anything until it is a real thing that is happening!

I wouldn’t be paying towards the wedding.
Its Your daughter’s day and she should have what she wants (talked into by BF ) but I would not be paying for something I would feel uncomfortable at .
I also can’t see this marriage lasting based on your posts so.

Your daughter and her partner will need to discuss their plans with the registrars as well as the venue. This will ensure that the registrars attending do not have an allergy or phobia issues and that plans are in place to remove dogs which are distracting from the legal ceremony.

Dogs are everywhere.
People (owners) seem to have lost all sense of where/what is appropriate.

The flip side though is why can’t you put up with dogs for one day?

You can’t turn off a phobia “for one day”.

Who the hell takes dogs to a wedding?
Other than the bride or grooms dog I think it’s nuts.
How can someone who has a fear of dogs just ‘get over it?’
Would posters say the same about pet tarantulas?
I would not give them anything towards the wedding.
I would just say to your dd, of course we will be going, but as you know I’m frightened of big dogs so please don’t sit me next to any.
I would also sit well away from the dogs once the meal/reception was over.
I agree with a previous poster, save your money.

Agree @StrongandNorthern they are pushing their animals into more and more ridiculous places and we are seeing more and more undisciplined dogs, increasing numbers of dog bites and fatalities and an entitled attitude that their dog is just as important as a human baby. It’s insane and I can only hope it reaches critical mass and society begins to push back

More fool you giving that kind of money to be honest

All the time! He goes out with his mates; she's at home washing and cleaning and rarely goes out, except to work. They live in a tiny house (as mentioned, deposit entirely paid for by me and DD's savings) and the spare bedroom is completely occupied by his Lego collection, so she can never invite anyone to stay. He does all the cooking which first seemed a positive (she has to do ALL cleaning/washing up/washing/getting up early for the dog as her side of the deal) but he makes massive meals and encourages her to eat it all. She tried to diet and the next day he baked chocolate cookies "especially for her" she has turned from a sporty girl with a six--pack to being 4 stone overweight. Part of the problem is that my DD just isn't opinionated (she never engages in arguments), watches very little TV and never the news and has absolutely no idea what is going on in the world. I find his views racist and homophobic and she is absorbing those opinions. When they talk about children, he talks about how he will bring up 'his' children, how if he has a daughter he will take off the bedroom door to keep an eye on her. I have another daughter who is the complete opposite; and I certainly didn't bring her up to be a submissive female. I've painted a very negative picture of him; I don't think he's all bad - he is kind and I believe he really loves her; she is totally besotted by him and spends a lot of time with his family, so all I can do at this point is support her and be here if she needs me. A lot of people here have basically told me to 'mind my own business' and not to interfere. That may be the best solution regarding dogs at the wedding, but in general not good advice.

That thing about the bedroom door is not right. That's bizarre.

What an awful situation - it was bad enough about dogs at a wedding but now reading the rest about him. I think you have to tread carefully and hope she sees the light before they marry or have children. Can you engineer a weekend away with both your DDs as a treat as an opportunity to talk?
I’d be beside myself it it was my DD in the same situation.

I can't believe the answers on this thread.

It is completely ridiculous to have a menagerie of dogs at a wedding.
Even without the fact that it is going to make the day incredibly uncomfortable for the bride's parents, but of course more so as it will.

Anyone who chooses to have a pet, does so knowing that pets aren't able to go everywhere with their owners.

Aside from service dogs, dogs aren't generally allowed into restaurants. Have they considered that ?

I would reiterate to your dd that many people won't like having dogs there (and I say this as a dog lover myself), and that you and her Dad will be on edge all day and will be really disappointed to not enjoy the day. After that, I guess there isn't much you can do.

Say nothing and let them pay for it.
I wouldn't be happy with the dogs. They may find it affects other aspects of the day but that's for them to find out.
They will presumably also have to cater for the dogs, more expense, maybe the inlaws could at least foot that bill.

The point isn’t that I, or anyone, is saying dogs should be at weddings. The point is that it is entirely up to the bride and groom.

Your wedding is your day to do whatever you want. We attended a wedding last year that had flamingo’s, would I have done it myself at my own wedding? Nope! But that’s irrelevant.

The only people who get a vote are the people getting married, if they decide they want 100 dogs there then that’s up to them and nobody plans a wedding based on what anybody else wants- it’s your day to be selfish.

@Mrsttcno1 I completely disagree with you. Weddings are not your day to be selfish and do whatever you like. Yes, they are predominantly about the couple but they are also about the coming together of two families and are family occasions. They are rites of passage for the parents to experience all the ritual associated with weddings and have their day as mother or father or the bride. They are for family memories. The wishes of parents should be taken into account, especially when they are paying for it!

When I got married, it was important to my dad that I had proper wedding cars so he could do the father of the bride in the car thing. I obliged. It was important to my MIL that we used the cake topper her grandmother had used at her wedding. So we did. It was important to my niece (then 5) that she had a bouquet of flowers like the grown ups rather than a basket of flower petals - no problem! If you approach the day from the perspective of it being about family and everyone having a lovely time celebrating then funnily enough they do! When you are selfish, leave people out, and dismiss the things that are important, you end up with threads on mumsnet!

Erm… no.

We paid a lot of money for our wedding, we had the day the way we wanted it.

Your wedding day is about the two of you, your family are there to celebrate you.

You wanted to allow other people to dictate your day and that’s fine for you, but absolutely isn’t what everybody does or should do.

I totally sympathise op, this would break my heart for my dd to be marrying such an inconsiderate oaf but this is a case of give them enough rope.

I’m sure there will be a fair few guests, who want to wear nice outfits, that will not appreciate drool, dog hair and the inevitable barking and the ‘only being friendly’ jumping up…

That’s assuming the venue will accept it.

Keep your counsel and see the day through. Avoid the dogs as much as possible and ask to be seated away from them. Grit your teeth and don’t make waves. It’s early days. At some point the penny will drop that she married a dud. That’s when she’ll need you.

It’s not about letting people dictate your day - it’s about realising that it’s not all about you and that other people are important as well. And small things like letting your dad arrange a special car, or not bringing dangerous animals that frighten your mother, are kind and make people feel valued.

Except it is all about you and your partner, it’s literally in the opening of the ceremony- we are gathered here today to celebrate X and Y getting married.

But even if I lean into your argument and say other people are important as well, why does that mean OP gets her way? It sounds like there are multiple people with multiple dogs who want to take their dogs, having those dogs looked after would probably be costly, the bride & groom have no objections to the dogs being there, and there’s more of them than there is 1 OP doesn’t want dogs there. So at the point we’re considering others, why does that mean no dogs? It could just as easily mean yep, dogs all welcome, we want them all to be happy and both the couple & these relatives are happy for the dogs to be there?

The dogs sound like the least of your worries to be honest.
You won’t be able to change their mind by the sounds of it and it’s their wedding so I’d forget it- could you get some hypnotherapy to help with your fears, so you can perhaps enjoy the wedding?

I am struggling to understand how this can be real, only because your Dd sounds frankly ridiculous. She doesn’t want the dogs? She has the savings, her parents top up the deposit, her husband to be intends to watch his daughter, the wedding organisation is down to her.

So many red flags. Tell her to run . Run like the wind.

The dogs are the least of the problem .

For the record, I love dogs but this idea is frankly ludicrous.

Must be hard, but Op, have you asked what in all that’s holy, this man brings to her life?

She wasn’t ‘dictated’ to, she included them. There’s a difference.

She sounds lovely and I’m sure the day was so much better for its inclusivity. Nothing worse than being a rentacrowd guest at a wedding of self absorbed couples who couldn’t give a shit about the comfort of their families.