Dogs at a Wedding

[KateCookson]

My daughter recently got engaged and is planning her wedding. Her future husband has said he's not bothered about getting married "it's just a piece of paper" but that she can have whatever she wants - big or small. They have a small dog they want to include at the ceremony (not thrilled at the idea as the dog isn't well trained, but fine; it's what they want). Now future son-in-law says that his whole family will also be bringing their dogs as well - all large breeds including a German Shepherd who will be about a year old at the time they are planning the wedding ie a young lively dog. Having been bitten by a German Shepherd as a child and nervous around big dogs I'm not happy about the situation. I did a lot of research on venues in the belief it would be helpful (my daughter has a new and stressful job) but accepted the choice would be theirs, not mine and was prepared to pay a big chunk of the wedding bill. My husband has already said to them that we won't be comfortable at a wedding with lots of dogs (my daughter's dog bit him as a puppy and he needed tetanus/antibiotics etc) but my future son-in-law insists that they are part of the family.
I read a lot of posts here about 'interfering/controlling' in-laws and I guess that's how my future son-in-law sees me. I might add that my husband and I gave £40,000 to them as a deposit for the house, my daughter put in £30,000 from her savings and my son-in-law put in a big fat zero yet the house is owned by them jointly. I get that entitles me to nothing as it was a 'gift' but how about a little bit of respect (a thank you also might be nice!) Why can't his parents/siblings get a dog minder for their dogs for a day? Am I being unreasonable? Is it better to say nothing more and just let them get on and stay out of any organising (going to add that my daughter suffers from anxiety, and will struggle with researching/organising on her own) and just let them pay for it?

The chances of them finding a venue that will allow numerous dogs is minuscule.

Sounds to me like he's set a condition for a wedding knowing it means the wedding is highly unlikely to happen.

I know someone who's partner has said they'll only ever get married if they get married in vegas. It's basically saying they'll never marry as they cannot even afford passports, let alone a trip to the US.

He's saying he doesn't want to get married in a way that doesn't cause a row.

I shouldn't have mentioned the money at all. It's nothing to do with the wedding and was given to my daughter with love not entitlement on my part, although reading back the post I can see why people think otherwise. It's not that we gave money but that my future son-in-law who had two high-earning jobs (he's in his 30s) didn't have a single penny in savings, hasn't put a penny into the house and is now hinting that my husband and I should pay for a wedding where we will feel uncomfortable. He has made it clear that he doesn't want any of my extended family (my sister, my husbands brother & spouses ie aunts and uncles) or our friends (who spent a lot of time with my daughter and still send her birthday/Christmas gifts) to attend, so actually there will only be three guests on my side of the family. I have come to realise that the best and only solution is to let them pay for their own wedding, and just turn up on the day. With large dogs present, I won't enjoy it but will just have to suck it up as many here have kindly (and sometimes unkindly!) pointed out. My husband is actually fine with dogs despite being bitten, but doesn't think it's appropriate for guests to bring theirs to a wedding.. Frankly I think it will be a struggle to find a reception that will allow five dogs (just heard that future son-in-laws nan will be bringing hers too) but I think the simple conclusion is that it's not my business or problem.
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Final update: All is well; thank you for all your responses and suggestions. I can now put some money towards a holiday!

I am totally shocked that neither you, your DH or the lawyers recommended that the £70k deposit wasnt ring fenced for your DD on the deeds.

I think that you must also regret this as I believe you are now subconsciously projecting / escalating the dog thing / wedding reception money issue disproportionately to regain some of the control and respect that you believe you deserve.

Everyone including people with the most money inherited wealth would protect and ring fence a deposit.

I would now right off £35k of yours, your DD's and DH's hard earned savings and not contribute anything to the wedding. Dont comment or let your DD even sense your displeasure because she may well be coming home sometime after lego man pushes her to the limit. Have a read up on what constitutes coercive and controlling relationships and make sure your DD is aware by dripping in this info subtly over the months and years ahead.

We asked my DD to do exactly that and she said she would, but can't guarantee it took place. It's only in the last year that I've seen the more controlling behaviour from the boyfriend and the absorption of his attitudes and opinions. We do see her own her own occasionally, but the texts checking up on her are constant. Any comments I've ever made to her are immediately fed back to him so it's difficult to tackle without pushing her further away. A lot of commentators here have told me to 'mind my own business'. My instincts tell me otherwise (although I'll be dropping the wedding issues; I think they are just a symptom of something worse.)