Shot bottles as favours with alcoholic family member

[daisyviolet]

My sister has been planning her wedding for the last 18 months, and the day is just around the corner. From the get-go, she'd planned on making mini glass bottles filled with various liqueurs/spirits as wedding favours after seeing it another wedding. She said it was a really fun way to get the party started/help the guests at each table bond.

She's now bought the bottles, the alcohol, the tags, and cute little personalised stickers. The problem is, last week, a member of our extended family (who we don't see often) revealed he was an alcoholic, but has been in recovery for some months now.

My sister isn't sure what to do. Her options look like this:
a) Give everyone the shot bottles, but fill his up with something non-alcoholic and label the tag 0%.
b) Give him something else in the bottle as the liquid may feel triggering, like sweets.
c) Ditch the whole shot idea and come up with something new last-minute.

She doesn't want him to feel self-conscious, triggered or patronised. But at the same time, I know she doesn't want the stress of having to come up with something else this close to the day just to accommodate one person. Wise mumsnetters, what would you do?

Why not have them as favours on a table together e.g. at the back of the room, so people can choose them if they want to do so? (Rather than on each table/at each place?)

Is he going alone? If he has a partner he can just hand it over. I assume there'll be wine on the table too. He's early in his recovery so might find it more difficult - if he's at a table with people who aren't drinkers/heavy drinkers that would help too.
I don't really like the idea of the favours being alcohol (poured in from another bottle) but that's a different question.

Just make his bottle non alcoholic,

Absolutely not appropriate to give alcohol
but I think 0% alcohol “ spirits” is a great compromise to avoid him feeling self conscious
wide range available now of gins etc.

The fact they're small so easily tucked in a pocket is another point. Since he has talked about his alcoholism, couldn't one of the wedding organisers speak to him and ask what he'd like to happen?

No, he's a long way from having alcohol free versions of alcohol surely!

Sorry I keep thinking of something else - what about the people driving too? Seems unlikely everyone there will want a shot.

I think she should abandon the idea, but I wonder how he is planning to cope when others are drinking at the table and when toasting?

I wouldn’t change the favours completely as the alcoholic will be surrounded by alcohol at the wedding anyway.
But, I would have a quiet word with them and ask what they would like instead and ask them if they would like something 0%. They might just prefer to have the same as everyone else and just give it away themselves. Not all alcoholics are the same, just because it’s placed infront of them doesn’t mean they will drink it. But they need to be made aware in advance.

He'll be coming with his wife, who is very supportive of him. Just for context, we saw him last week at a family meal where people were having a few drinks, which he seemed to be okay with. My sister will be putting wine on the tables (as you do at weddings).

Most people are staying nearby, or getting taxis home at the end of the night.

"Fun way to get the party started/help guests on the table to bond" - there are other ways to do this beside drinking, never mind expecting people to neck a shot.

I think PP is right just to leave them on a table so they can take one if they want. I do drink but wouldn't want one.

Ask him what he would prefer ? he knows he is coming to a wedding so is expecting booze everywhere

personally I’d put non alcoholic ones on each table as there will be drivers and pregnant women there too

if i was the alcoholic I’d be mortified you scrapped your plans for me , he has to manage himself in a boozy world

I think this is a sensible idea. I'll volunteer to have a word with him (or maybe even his wife) in advance, then he can decide what he wants to do. Thanks!

Fill them with sweets instead?

There may be other people sober too - pregnant or driving.

Unless most of the guests are under 25 I doubt they’ll love a shot as much as the bride thinks.

I wouldn’t have a shot either, presumably there are non alcoholic alternatives to the bottles of wine.

Wow, I didn't realise people would hate the idea so much! My sister's thinking was that most favours get left behind unless they're edible or drinkable. So the people who want a shot can have one, and the people that don't can just leave it. She wasn't going to bother with favours otherwise (although she has also made a basket of flip-flops for people who's feet are in bits at the end of the night)😂

Hi OP. Recovering alcoholic here. It’s such a personal journey that I think she should ask him what he would be comfortable with.

For me personally I would love a bottle of 0% however a lot of addicts in recovery do not touch AF alternatives as it triggers them. It’s such a personal thing and also changes on an ad hoc basis (for example some days I’m comfortable going to the pub for an AF drink, others I can’t) that I would personally ask him what he is comfortable with.

If she’s still keen to do the shots then perhaps a mix of bottles with alcohol in them and bottles / bags filled with sweats and leaving them on the table for people to help themselves to, or we had little baskets the children walked around the room offering them to everybody. We have a few alcoholics in our family and none of them drink alcohol free versions of booze, people I’ve seen drinking those are more pregnant people who’d normally drink, people cutting down, driving etc.but I guess that’s very personal.

It's mumsnet of course they're gonna hate it!

I think it's a lovely idea and why should it be abandoned because of your uncle? Is she also going to have a dry bar so he doesn't have to see drink, or not have a toast?

Good on your uncle for seeing his problem but not sure a wedding is the best place for him at the start of his journey to sobriety.

Ask the wife what she’d suggest

Also… don’t want to sound preachy but this is such a typical example of how normalised alcohol and drinking culture is in our society. Just casually giving out bottles of alcohol ‘for fun’ 😂 mind blowing. Of course I now see the other side, but once you see how deeply ingrained drinking alcohol is in our society, you can’t unsee it!

I agree with the comment about shots. Presumably there will be older family members there? I'm in my 60s and have never liked the idea of shots, I see it as something groups of already drunk people do to get even more pissed, it's quite tacky. I certainly wouldn't think of it as something to give as wedding favours.

Put them in a basket on each table with a selection? Clearly labelled. Lots of people won’t be drinking and might not want to explain why. They sound like things you could take home to enjoy later if you are driving and don’t want to miss out.

But… Personally, I can’t stand spirits and hate the pressure to drink at weddings and hate being drunk or around other drunk guests so I’d be leaving them alone. It’s very easy to knock back a few too many when it’s there in front of you.

I'd check in with the wife - or them direct depending on your closeness - and ask what can be done to make them comfortable at the wedding, this could include thinking about welcome drinks, options at the bar, wine on the table and favours. Weddings are a minefield for the early days of recovery so it may be nice to just look at it holistically not just for the favours. And he won't be the only one abstaining - more and more people welcome the option for a variety of reasons.