Shot bottles as favours with alcoholic family member

[daisyviolet]

My sister has been planning her wedding for the last 18 months, and the day is just around the corner. From the get-go, she'd planned on making mini glass bottles filled with various liqueurs/spirits as wedding favours after seeing it another wedding. She said it was a really fun way to get the party started/help the guests at each table bond.

She's now bought the bottles, the alcohol, the tags, and cute little personalised stickers. The problem is, last week, a member of our extended family (who we don't see often) revealed he was an alcoholic, but has been in recovery for some months now.

My sister isn't sure what to do. Her options look like this:
a) Give everyone the shot bottles, but fill his up with something non-alcoholic and label the tag 0%.
b) Give him something else in the bottle as the liquid may feel triggering, like sweets.
c) Ditch the whole shot idea and come up with something new last-minute.

She doesn't want him to feel self-conscious, triggered or patronised. But at the same time, I know she doesn't want the stress of having to come up with something else this close to the day just to accommodate one person. Wise mumsnetters, what would you do?

No, don’t do this. If someone asked my husband on my behalf he’d be baffled and say “Ask her, she’s a grown up with her own mind.” The last thing us raging alkies want is to be treated like a child.*

*See also asking behind a bar what alcohol free options they have to be met with “Coke, lemonade, Fanta….”

I'd do this. My OH drinks but no way we'd down a shot at the beginning of a wedding (I probably would, TBH). A basket with a selection of alcoholic / AF drinks would be a good compromise.

It’s a lovely idea and have been to quite a few weddings where they have done this. The people who don’t drink just leave them or give them to someone else. Not everyone is going to like everything, I’d always leave sugared almonds!!

Why don’t you put them in the middle of the table along with some little bags of sweets and people can pick what they want or leave it. Don’t address them to people. That way you aren’t singling him out, he won’t look like the odd one out, and you don’t have to ask him and possibly make him more uncomfortable.

Thanks so much for sharing - I've decided I'm going to ask him or his wife on behalf of my sister what he's comfortable with.

I would change it but I think it’s a terrible idea to start with.

Should she not provide table wine or champagne for the toast either? 😂

Make them all non alcoholic.
Maybe ice cream toppings, coffee additiives, mocktail ingredients, juices, cordial, milk shake flavours, or even bubble bath or sweets etc. if you want to use the bottles.

There will be more people than him who will be affected.
Pregnant women, non alcohol drinkers, underage guests. Alcoholic favours are a silly idea.

There is manditory RSA training for a reason. I doubt that any lisenced venue will approve.

No absolutely she should! I’m not one of those preachy addicts in recovery AT ALL - I’m comfortable most of the time when people are drinking around me, going to events with booze etc and would never think we could live in an AF society at all. I just find it interesting seeing how normalised drinking is in our society! “Gin o clock” pictures, “mummy needs wine” “it’s 5pm somewhere” that kind of thing.

Speaking personally I would love to see the same amount of normalisation for AF alternatives alongside the alcohol. Sorry if you took my comment the wrong way!

I’ve been to a wedding with vodka shots in cute bottles with the couples name on it and the wedding date. I didn’t drink it but kept it as a momento from the wedding and it’s still in my glass cabinet 20 years later! I couldn’t tell you what wedding favours I had at other wedding, they were all tat or sugared almonds 🤣.
People will either drink it and love it, leave it or keep it like me. But I think they make good wedding favours, people loved them at the wedding I went to.

I would go with putting them in the middle of the table too so people can help themselves. She could do a couple of 0% bottles on each table too because there’s sure to be others not drinking too and that way nobody is singled out, or do some bags/bottles of sweets to go with them.

It's a village hall, so no need for a license. I'm not sure why people seem to think she doesn't know her guests very well - there are only about 50 of them, 1 is pregnant, none are underage (no kids), and they're all family or friends who she sees regularly at social events so knows a shot might go down well.

Is he really the only non spirit drinker?
There must be others who for taste, religious or health reasons don't like alcohol shots?
You can get quite nice AF spirits now so she could just make some up with that?

I've been to a wedding where everyone got a tiny bottle of homemade elderflower cordial. It was appreciated by all ages.

No, not at all! I just think it's interesting where we draw the line with what's okay and what isn't. Fully agree with the whole "mummy needs wine" thing - ick!

But she didn’t know that this guest was an alcoholic until a few months ago.

Im not saying don’t do it (although I agree with others that maybe non alcoholic favours would be better) but just saying you never really know what’s going on with other people or their circumstances.

I remember telling one of the bosses at work that I was now in recovery (whom o was very close to, been to multiple social events outside work etc) and he said “what, you?! I had no idea you had a drink problem!”

I’m on medication which I can’t drink on, very few people know this (including family) because there is no need for them to know and it’s my personal medical information.

Your sister needs to include non alcoholic options for everyone.

We bought everyone a lottery ticket and had votive candles with our initials on , i've been to weddings with the shot bottles, I had about 5 because no one else at the table wanted them

Fun way to get the party started/help guests on the table to bond" - there are other ways to do this beside drinking, never mind expecting people to neck a shot

as a non drinker- not alcoholic, I choose not to, I hate this idea. It sets the idea that if you’re not necking shots you’re not partying or bonding. You’re spoiling the fun.

years of “don’t be boring”, “go on, have some fun for once”, and “don’t be so uptight” comments have made me sensitive though. I don’t want to hide that I’m not drinking with non alcoholic drinks either.

at least the “you’re pregnant aren’t you” comments seem to be easing as I get older. That’s fun having to spend all night denying it. 🙄

i’d ask. If you are going to fill his bottle with non alcoholic I wouldn’t go for a 0% gin, beer etc, pick something soft and more interesting. Dandelion and burdock or one of the old fashioned drinks, for example.

No she doesn’t. It’s not a mandatory gift. I would hate a personalised candle, sweets, chocolate so I’d just leave it. I can’t eat gluten, but I wouldn’t demand the couple cater for me with a special wedding favour. I’d obviously expect a meal, and a selection of non-alcoholic drinks to go with it, but a wedding favour that’s suits everyone? That’s impossible. I would think the couple know their friends better than people on here.

Couldn’t you just leave it if you don’t want it. If you had to take every wedding favour home my house would be littered with crap!

I’m a former alcoholic or in recovery or whatever word people on here who aren’t alcoholics like us to use, and I would certainly not have wanted anyone to change their plans for me - it’ll also just be embarrassing for him if they do most likely. But it is lovely that these women care about their family member and are wanting to to the best - including changing their plans if necessary. I think it’s really sad that you would be so dismissive and pointed as if he is some burdensome arsehole who deserves nothing. I’m glad there are people like op and her sister about who aren’t judgy and actually are considerate.

Another vote for putting them in a basket and leaving it as a choice for the guests. The older I get, the more I kind of agree with PPs about the ingrained ‘fun = booze’ attitude; I can take or leave a drink, but my in-laws either treat it as a personal slight if I opt for a soft drink, or assume I’m ill/pregnant/on a holier-than-thou health kick, etc, etc. One even asked if I ‘didn’t drink for religious reasons?’ - no, I’d just rather use the calories for a pudding.

What are the spirits? I have done shots when I was younger but I can’t think anything of I would shot now because it’s just uncomfortable. I’m not anti-drinking, just apparently way too old for shots (in my mid-thirties).

My friend did a nice thing at her wedding where they had a whiskey bar. The couple both liked drinking whiskey, so they picked some of their favourites and left a little note about why they liked those ones. People could go over and read the notes without partaking in the drink if they didn’t like it/didn’t want to but for those who wanted to, they could enjoy as they saw fit.

I’d honestly hate this! It would go in the bin! I think favours are very personal to the specific guests in attendance. My family would be baffled by cordial but would love sweets or a bottle of something.

Well I’d expect someone to supply gluten free options of food for you absolutely. Rather than expect you not to eat anything.

I’m not a fan of favours, they’re a waste of money and mental energy as far as I’m concerned. But if I was doing something edible, I’d at least make sure everyone could have them.

But we’re a family of diverse eating habits so this comes naturally to us.

I think offering everyone a choice is a nice idea, either a basket on the table or to select as they go to sit down.

Am I reading it right that she is making the spirits herself, eg damson gin etc, or just putting in the bottles.