Husband and Baby only invited to friend's evening do - advice?

[NUFC2024]

As background, one of my closest friends is getting married this summer. Its a weekday and her package only includes x number of day guests so any additional guests need to be paid for separately.

I've received two separate invites to the wedding. One addressed to myself for the whole day and the other to my husband (and soon to be born baby) for the evening. I'm unhappy about this for the following reasons:

1. My husband and I know her and her fiance well (and they both came to our wedding last year - we paid for each guest on a per head basis).

1. My baby will only be 2.5 months old on the day of the wedding. I am a first time mum so have no idea whether it's reasonable/practical for my husband to bring the baby along for the evening party only? He would drive there (will take around 2 hours in the rush hour) so again, not sure how practical that is with a very young baby.

1. I can't drive so will need to travel by train then take a taxi there as it's in the countryside.

1. It's a weekday wedding so my husband might have to take the day off work to look after the baby. He gets very limited leave as it is.

I don't know whether I should firstly ask to bring the baby along (on the basis that I will be breastfeeding and my husband will otherwise need to book a day off work). However, I'm also not sure how fun a wedding would be looking after my young baby on my own if my husband isn't there? As such as I would like to decline the invite out of principle, I don't want to miss one of my friends get married.

Any advice?

I’d say she isn’t a close friend and you should decline all the invitations .

I wouldn’t bother. It sounds like a hassle all round.

I'd decline the day part and rsvp yes to the evening as a family if I thought I'd be up for it.

On the other hand with a 2 month old baby I'd have hated travelling anywhere and staying overnight and you don't know that you'll have a simple birth or that baby will arrive 'on time' so part of me would be tempted to decline the whole thing.

Maybe just go to the evening altogether.

I would decline too. A wedding with an unsupportive host an hour away and potentially an 8 week old baby sounds like a recipe for disaster.

If you're breastfeeding I'm not sure you'll be able to be away from your baby that long? Even if baby takes a bottle, at that age, your bosy will be used to feeding regularly, and without baby there, your breasts will become uncomfortable and engorged, so you'd have to find time to pump throughout the day. Obviously if you're bottle feeding that won't be an issue. If you are planning on breastfeeding, might be worth telling your friend that, and say that you don't see how logistically you will be able to spend the day without your baby, as you'll feel uncomfortable. If she says fine to bring the baby, I think you need to tell her that your husband needs to come too, as if baby gets unsettled during the ceremony, you'd like for him to be able to take the baby out so you don't miss it, and means you can all travel there and back together. Travelling two hours in a car with a young baby is alot to do on your own. If they wake and cry, it can be really stressful being the only adult in the car. It might actually work out more cost effective anyway to offer to pay for your husband to attend the day, as two lots of petrol is going to cost a bomb, and I doubt you'll want to stay late with a young baby, so he could potentially be doing all that travel to shortly turn around and drive home.

Yep this unfortunately.
With a 2.5m old it's particularly thoughtless and lame of her....

Ooft, she’s not being very considerate is she, some friend. If you really want to go, I’d go to the evening thing with your DH and baby. Otherwise decline altogether

Sorry just re read you don't drive, all the more reason for you to travel as a family then, and if she can't accommodate that, then I'd politely decline and just say it isn't going to be feasible.

I agree with this. Go to the evening pat with your husband if you feel up to it.

Definitely decline.

I wouldn’t consider her a friend at all as she’s given no thought to your situation. Also I’ve never had a “friend” exclude my partner.

Failing that, if your husband is already going to be booking the day off work and travelling down anyway, you could always drive down together, and he waits somewhere with the baby, with you going out to feed as and when, and depending on how the day goes, then they can appear for the evening? I mean, personally I don't understand why anyone would put you into this sort of logistical nightmare of a situation, but they obviously haven't thought about this, give them the opportunity to extend the invite and see what their response is.

I wouldn't go. I didn't go to a good friend's wedding that was a 2.5 hour drive away, when dc1 was a baby. I'd been to another wedding 50 minutes away and dc cried the whole way there, and back. It was awful.

Immediate decline. It would be nothing but a massive pain in the arse for you, and if you're breastfeeding, it would be extremely complicated and potentially not even possible.

It would be very difficult to be apart from a breastfed 2 month old for a whole day. Your supply isn’t stable at this point really - you need to be breastfeeding on demand. You would be better all going to the evening do only.

And you are right, looking after a baby on your own all day at a wedding venue would be a massive pain.

If you really want to go then book a couple of days off, drive there and stay nearby, husband looks after baby while you are there in the day, maybe go back to where you are staying, get ready for the evening then all go back together

That's hard to know if only 30 people are invited to the day thing.

Or perhaps it's no kids/ babies so she felt she couldn't invite your husband.

I would base your response on what you'd enjoy. Would your dh know lots of the evening crowd and enjoy catching up? Would you like to 'show off' your baby to lots of people who may not get a chance to meet him/her? If so, can you stay in a local hotel so he looks after the baby there for a few hours until joining you and then you stay the night there. If he's not bothered about the evening then don't go to it. Would you enjoy going to the day bit? (It will likely be painful on your boobs if you're breastfeeding).

It's really hard for us to answer these questions but don't let 'feeling miffed' because 'we invited them' get to you. Perhaps you have more income than them or wanted to have a more expensive wedding, perhaps they are having a very small wedding. If you think they haven't invited dh and baby because they just don't want a baby around then by all means, I think I'd avoid. Or if you think actually you value the friendship more than her and she's having loads of people then I'd also reconsider the friendship.

It's not practical at all. I think some people really don't understand much about babies if they've never had one or been close to one so this may just be thoughtlessness and lack of understanding.

Assuming you want to go, I'd drop her a line explaining the issue and suggest you all just go for the evening.

I'd either decline or just go in the evening, depending on how much you want to be there.

Don't try to explain why though, just send regrets and good wishes.

One addressed to myself for the whole day and the other to my husband (and soon to be born baby) for the evening.

<<bugbear alert>> 😆

its not myself, it’s me. Addressed to me.

you are NOT being unreasonable and the first reply you got nailed it.

you have not even had your baby yet and it’s been disinvited from the whole day event you’re invited to.

your ‘friend’ is not only spectacularly rude, she’s jaw droppingly stupid too.

Who does this?

decline the invitation and reply that as your baby will only be a few weeks old at that point, and you have no idea how things will be for you, you aren’t able to commit to a whole day and certainly not without the support and presence of your husband and child, not to mention the logistics of getting there. Wish her well. Send a card. Job done.

shes not a friend

Just go in the evening as a family. That makes more sense.

If a friend of mine did this without discussing it first, I'd assume she doesn't want your baby there at all and would prefer you to decline.

We declined with a baby the same age but they were good friends. I ended up with an emergency section and I vividly remember, on the wedding day, my Dh and I looking at each other, after trying to console a colicky hysterical baby for HOURS and he said “Thank god we declined!” I don’t think this person is a good friend or at least doesn’t see you as one to exclude your family, esp in your circs.

I couldn't have been apart from my babies that small for that long. Hadn't bothered introducing a bottle at that point (and couldn't be arsed at all with DC2 so never did) so I'd only be going if I could bring the baby.

I like weddings and had easy babies so I would have wanted to do that but that's not everyone's experience.

And a thank you to the PP re "myself". It is annoying!