Husband and Baby only invited to friend's evening do - advice?

[NUFC2024]

As background, one of my closest friends is getting married this summer. Its a weekday and her package only includes x number of day guests so any additional guests need to be paid for separately.

I've received two separate invites to the wedding. One addressed to myself for the whole day and the other to my husband (and soon to be born baby) for the evening. I'm unhappy about this for the following reasons:

1. My husband and I know her and her fiance well (and they both came to our wedding last year - we paid for each guest on a per head basis).

1. My baby will only be 2.5 months old on the day of the wedding. I am a first time mum so have no idea whether it's reasonable/practical for my husband to bring the baby along for the evening party only? He would drive there (will take around 2 hours in the rush hour) so again, not sure how practical that is with a very young baby.

1. I can't drive so will need to travel by train then take a taxi there as it's in the countryside.

1. It's a weekday wedding so my husband might have to take the day off work to look after the baby. He gets very limited leave as it is.

I don't know whether I should firstly ask to bring the baby along (on the basis that I will be breastfeeding and my husband will otherwise need to book a day off work). However, I'm also not sure how fun a wedding would be looking after my young baby on my own if my husband isn't there? As such as I would like to decline the invite out of principle, I don't want to miss one of my friends get married.

Any advice?

I wouldn’t have been able to manage those logistics with a 2.5 month old baby personally

It’s a non-invite. It’s completely impractical to be separated from your baby for that long. The two of you are a bonded pair at that age.

just decline.

I would read the invitation as the bride thinking she'd love you to come, but financially can't really afford to invite partners. They've then thought they would see if it helps, by inviting your dh in the evening, and have also said they are happy for him to bring the baby along if that helps.

Ultimately, it is going to be difficult for you logistically, so, remember, it is only an invitation, and, if it doesn't work for you, then you can decline.

In truth, you don't know if breastfeeding will work out for you. Nor is it friend's issue that you don't drive.

As with all wedding invitations, it is up to you to decide if you want to go, enough to work round the tricky logistics, or if it is just one of those things that the timing is unfortunately not great for you, so you send your thanks but apologies. No need to "decline out of principle" - that's just weird and bringing drama where there doesn't need to be any. Just send a nice card / letter / message thanking her for the invitation but saying you aren't able to come but hope she has a lovely day and that you are looking forward to meeting up afterwards and seeing some photos.

Don't ask to bring the baby along. If she wanted him/her there she would have invited them. She left them out for a reason.

Either decline the day event and go together as a family in the evening or decline the whole event.

It's not really a big deal.

Agree not to ask if the baby can come. They would have thought a lot about this before song the decision. My DH and I had arguments even when finalising our guest lists and discussing kids.

I’d decline the daytime invitation and accept the evening invitation if you’d like to go.

I wouldn't go to the day part under those conditions.

Maybe she thinks she's doing you a favour giving you a child free day, and in a few years you'd probably be thankful for it, but so early on into motherhood I think you'll want to be with baby. I went out on a night out a few weeks after giving birth (Xmas celebrations) but I stayed a few hours and left. A wedding is a long day to be away from your newborn. My opinion is you go as a family or decline as a family.

Evening do only. The if you have to completely drop out , e.g. really struggling with the baby or post-caesarean, she hasn't bought a meal for you and there won't be an empty chair during the day.
She really hasn't thought this through very well.
You could also legitimately decline the full event due to it being too soon after your baby is born

It does seem a bit odd, but presume she is very limited on numbers for the day and wants you to be there.

Could your DH drive you to the wedding and then take the baby out for a few hours and then come to the evening reception.

Alternatively, just go to the the evening reception as a family.

I couldn't have have done this with my baby at that age, she used to scream blue murder if I left her for even an hour, though I hope yours is a bit more chilled 😅

I guess it's not that far away but just the time your DH would need to be leaving that would make it take 2 hours? Either way, I think it's rude to only invite you to the whole day, especially with a baby that age.

I'd go back and say it wouldn't work with the baby for you to go and agree with PP, I'd potentially go to the evening if I wasn't too annoyed at the thoughtless initial invite 😂

I wouldn't go full stop!

Not because I was miffed or anything but the whole set up will be far too stressful and difficult with a very young baby.

I wouldn't even bother with the evening party. By the time you arrive, all other guests will be settled in their own groups at their own tables so you may feel like fish out of water, your DH can't enjoy a drink due to having to drive
unless you plan to incur the cost of an overnight stay and your little one will likely be really unsettled. IMO, he or she will be far too young to break their routine and join a noisy party, plus I doubt many people will be thrilled being joined by a possible crying baby.
You will be mega stressed and just won't derive any pleasure from taking part.

As a pp suggested, nice card, gift and a thank you but no thank you as just not logistically possible. Ask to see the video afterwards if there is one or if the ceremony is being live streamed.

If this is a close friend, why not talk to her? She may be misguiding thinking you would like a day without baby to enjoy yourself (but not thought of actual logistics!) she might prefer to invite actual friends not partners if its a small wedding... in other words its probably not an insult just a stressed couple not understanding babies.

I'd go in the evening, with husband and baby, and explain that you may be breastfeeding so won't be able to leave the baby.

I also thought it was a way out of having the baby at the ceremony

To give another perspective I dont think they are not your friend or being rude at all.
It does depend on some things but if it is a really tiny venue then it is about capacity and with even a small family you get to 20 or 30 quickly so I think they see you as a great friend to invite you to that bit. They may also think you go to ceremony and DH has baby and then joins you works easily and not realise (not from being thoughtless but if they have no children they may not realise) this will cause you difficulty.
Obviously it may not work for you and there is nothing wrong with that but I would talk to her and explain how it would be easier for you all to come to the reception (if you want) or that due to the closeness of your due date and how you have no idea how you and your DH will be getting on as new parents you sadly cannot come. I think jumping to she is not a friend and being nasty or deliberately making it difficult is very unlikely.

Decline the day and all go for the evening.

Although if she is one of your 'closest' friends you would be better talking to her about this than MN

I'd just go to the evening, if you can be arsed. You can't be sure what the baby will be like/how sleep deprived you will be so you might not want to go anyway x

Assume you can book a room on site? DH looks after the baby in the room during the day and joins you in the evening. Sounds a good practical way to do a wedding with a baby. If, on the other hand, you don’t want to go. Dont go.

That would he a hell no from me.
You might still be recovering from the birth at that point, travelling on a train with leaky boobs? Nope. Will you be breastfeeding? If so baby will be on you constantly at that age!
How selfish/ignorant of your friend to not consider all this. Just do the evening do if you want to but make sure you list all the reasons why you can't attend the day so she doesn't get funny with you. I assume she doesn't have children yet?

I wouldn’t go. I went to a wedding with 8 week old dc2 and she was SO TINY! There’s no way I could have left her home that day. She was very good, but I couldn’t have planned to be apart from her for more than about 2.5 - 4 hours at most.

Your friend may have any number of intentions here, but ultimately she doesn’t have to accommodate newborns and you don’t have to accept an invitation as impractical as this one.

I’d decline the whole thing. Mine cried and fed pretty much non-stop at that age, so the journey and the event would be very stressful and not fun.

I breastfed both of my babies and couldn’t have left them for a full day at that age.

I took my oldest to a wedding when she was 7 weeks and it was very easy (far easier than the one at 15 months 😅) as she was still in sleepy newborn territory and I could just discreetly feed her when needed. That said, the wedding was local, my DH was there and I’d had an uncomplicated birth - she was a fairly challenging baby but during the days she was still sleepy at that age.

If anything, the day was better than the night where we ended up leaving early as she got overstimulated (as did I!) and it was obviously just drunk adults by that point. Personally on that basis I’d have no qualms about taking the baby to the day (if your friend allowed) but wouldn’t go to just the evening as it wouldn’t be worth it. Based on the distance and the split invitations I probably wouldn’t bother tbh as it sounds like a lot of faff with a newborn, but the newborn on its own wouldn’t put me off

Thanks everyone for your replies! As I haven't yet had the baby (and admittedly know very little about babies - don't worry NCT classes coming up soon!) I wasn't sure about logistics/practicalities but I had feeling it might not be the easiest.

There are no rooms on site and if we stayed over that would mean my husband taking another day off work so that's a no go.

I should add that it's not really an affordability issue for her (it's more that she just doesn't want to pay for extra guests above what's included in her package). I did consider offering to pay for my husband to attend as we always cover the cost of our plate via gift anyway but wasn't sure if that would be rude of me to suggest?

I will definitely talk to her about it and explain my decision once I've decided what to do...

I suppose the other thing which may make me feel a bit uncomfortable going on my own on the day is that the grooms side of the family are, sadly, openly racist. However, I seriously hope that they would not spoil my friend's day by displaying any racist behaviour at her wedding!

I wouldn't go on principle. Anyone who thinks their "big day" merits separating a mother from a BF baby isn't mature enough to get married.