Husband and Baby only invited to friend's evening do - advice?

[NUFC2024]

As background, one of my closest friends is getting married this summer. Its a weekday and her package only includes x number of day guests so any additional guests need to be paid for separately.

I've received two separate invites to the wedding. One addressed to myself for the whole day and the other to my husband (and soon to be born baby) for the evening. I'm unhappy about this for the following reasons:

1. My husband and I know her and her fiance well (and they both came to our wedding last year - we paid for each guest on a per head basis).

1. My baby will only be 2.5 months old on the day of the wedding. I am a first time mum so have no idea whether it's reasonable/practical for my husband to bring the baby along for the evening party only? He would drive there (will take around 2 hours in the rush hour) so again, not sure how practical that is with a very young baby.

1. I can't drive so will need to travel by train then take a taxi there as it's in the countryside.

1. It's a weekday wedding so my husband might have to take the day off work to look after the baby. He gets very limited leave as it is.

I don't know whether I should firstly ask to bring the baby along (on the basis that I will be breastfeeding and my husband will otherwise need to book a day off work). However, I'm also not sure how fun a wedding would be looking after my young baby on my own if my husband isn't there? As such as I would like to decline the invite out of principle, I don't want to miss one of my friends get married.

Any advice?

Just don't go. Honestly, it's silly to waste a second of headspace on this while you prepare to have your baby. The logistics of it are just to complicated to fuck around with.

Send your regrets and then send them a nice present if it makes you feel better.

I would decline but get your husband to accept on behalf of him and the baby. I'd love to see her reaction.

Just say you need to bring the baby with you or you won't be able to attend.

I don't think you can ask for a full day invite for husband though.

What a lot of drama! Just message your friend and say you can’t make the day do as you’ll be breastfeeding, but hopefully you’ll all make it for the evening. Job done.

I breastfed mine but I don't think it is OK to dismiss formula fed babies as mum and baby would still need to be together at this age unless it was necessary for them to be apart. I don't class attending a wedding as necessary so I would put baby first however it is fed.

Agreed

This. I never understand the drama over wedding invitations on here.

Just decline, an evening do is likely to be a nightmare with a baby of that age. And having seen your update re racism ... If there's any chance you are going to be made to feel uncomfortable or worse by racist arses don't touch it with a barge pole!!

You probably can't be away from baby for that long when BFing- and probably won't want to be either. I'd decline but explain why.

congrats on your soon to be little one!! It’s a lovely time getting to know your baby in the newborn weeks :)

FYI babies tend to be at the peak of crying and cluster feeding all evening long at that age. I spent many a night watching tv and on-off breastfeeding from 5-8 pm. That’s not to say going to the evening do isn’t possible, every baby is different!

I think that unless you have experience of babies you just don't know that this is not realistic. So I wouldn't condem friend or assume she is being nasty, or assume that she didn't want you there, she probably just hasn't got a clue. (I wouldn't have had a clue before I had kids)

Babies are so different. With my first I moved countries when he was 8 weeks old. But at the same time, at 8 weeks I couldn't sit properly on an upright chair, needed cushions and spent a lot of time lying not sitting because I was so sore. He would have been a delight at a wedding, smiley, easy, quick and easy to feed.

Not so dc 2. I would have been sitting in a corner trying to breastfeed for pretty much the whole service and reception.
But with all 3 of my kids I would not have made it through a wedding reception and evening do, I would have been exhausted.

It is just not possible for anyone to predict how you and the baby will be. I would say 100% no to any idea of train and taxi. 100% no to any idea that you leave the baby with dh for the day. (most breastfed babies don't take easily to a bottle and you don't want the pressure of making that happen in time for the wedding)

So you could say that you will all come together to the evening do, or you could just say - so sorry to miss it, we would have loved to come but the baby will be too small.
Honestly I would decline all together. She may well huff and puff, but I bet once she has her own kids she will understand.

They might be trying to avoid having any babies/kids at their ceremony.
I would suggest just going to the evening do together. But I would reach out to the bride and explain that due to the practicalities of having a 2.5 month old baby, you can't attend by yourself in the day so you'll just attend the evening do with your husband and baby.

I didn't go to any weddings when I was breastfeeding babies that age. I'd go to the evening part only or none of it in your place.

Hmm, it's entirely up to you, really! I wouldn't ask her if husband can come to the day part, as that's in bad taste and you just don't do that. So, either you all go to the evening or you miss it completely. You can't say yet if you will be a breastfeeding mum as your baby isn't here and you can't predict how these things will go.

I have a family wedding this year and my baby will be young, so I know I will definitely be going but whether my partner and baby will go is a different matter that hasn't been confirmed yet.

I wouldn’t go. It sounds a nightmare and the grooms family sound vile!

Many people.juat have blanket no kids rule and maybe she thought she was being considerate by effectively offering you to come for the day as her friend but realising your DH would need to take of rhe baby. She probably hasn't considered breastfeeding etc at all.
If I am totally honest at 2.5 months I wasn't really up for weddings etc and you don't know yet how you'll feel, how baby will settle etc etc. I personally would decline or go for the evening only.

It's just not going to work for your family so you'll have to tell her that and see what she suggests.

You either all need to go together so he can mind the baby or not go at all.

It’s fine not to invite babies to weddings. It’s their wedding, they should have the day they want. I would have been ok leaving a baby that age for a few hours as could express, but it’s fine not to want to. I had to decline a wedding due to it being a long way away and babies weren’t invited. I just said I couldn’t go, it doesn’t need to be a big deal.

There are no rooms on site and if we stayed over that would mean my husband taking another day off work so that's a no go.

I think this rules out your DH coming really - 2 hours each way with a 2 month old for a few hours at an evening do?
That means you'll either have to be away overnight alone (presumably not possible since you have to be back in the morning so your husband can go to work?), or getting taxi/train back home?
If you're breastfeeding this very probably won't be possible to be away from the baby for that long.
I'd say that the logistics really don't work here. And I'd have to decline the whole thing.

Unless you all go to just the evening do and stay over. Your DH wouldn't need to take the day of the wedding off, as you'd be home, so he could take the next day off. Or even just the morning?

Oh God no, I’d just decline the invite for all the million reasons already made and not spend another second thinking about it, or her.

Just decline the whole invitation;wish her well and send a gift and a card.

wasn't sure if that would be rude of me to suggest?

Yeah, I think it would be. But it's very likely that she's having a no-baby ceremony, rather than it being financial - and if she allows yours, other people start asking. A friend of mine had a baby-free wedding, but allowed a 4-month-old foster baby. Then another friend asked to bring her 12-month-old... and from there it snowballed, and in the end there were seven kids there all day. All had reasons that the families asked - the four-year-old was diabetic, the 12-month-old still breastfed, etc, but it wasn't what she wanted it to be.

You just have to weigh it up based on what you want to make work. We could have made that work when DS was 2.5 months old. DH probably would have taken the day off and come with me, and I'd have gone to meet them for food. I'd have wanted to see them anyway; every 3/4 hours. So that would have worked for us. You do have to want to go, though; for it to be worth the days leave and organisation. To be honest I'd try and put the ideal of them coming to everything out of your mind and then consider if you want to go enough for it to be worth the logistics, or if you're not that fussed about making it work for you, and you can decline with a good excuse.

Do you want to go? Will it be fun/ good friends to catch up with? Only go for this reason not out of duty.

If you do, then you and hubby drive together and he amuses himself during the ceremony and meal and you keep baby with you (even if you're not breastfeeding babies need mum usually) - you'll have to clear that with her- then hubby joins later to drive you home.

OR you're all evening guests.

OR you don't go.

I don't think this means they're not friends just that they are having a very small ceremony and meal. Come on will her husband be crying with emotion as they say their vows? He won't care about missing that bit. I don't think it's personal they are probably annoying a lot of couples with this.

Although I do think it's weird in some ways to celebrate marriage and not invite peoples spouses.

I tend to think evening invites are only appropriate if you're in a convenient city location where most of your evening guests live

You can't leave a baby that young for that long. They need to feed often. They need to nap every 40mins or they will meltdown and cry for ages. It will be really stressful for you even if the baby was invited. As she hasn't thought too much about the situation you will be in I wouldn't feel too bad about saying no. We couldn't really be anywhere past 5pm because them the witching hour commenced and baby cried for an hour.