Husband and Baby only invited to friend's evening do - advice?

[NUFC2024]

As background, one of my closest friends is getting married this summer. Its a weekday and her package only includes x number of day guests so any additional guests need to be paid for separately.

I've received two separate invites to the wedding. One addressed to myself for the whole day and the other to my husband (and soon to be born baby) for the evening. I'm unhappy about this for the following reasons:

1. My husband and I know her and her fiance well (and they both came to our wedding last year - we paid for each guest on a per head basis).

1. My baby will only be 2.5 months old on the day of the wedding. I am a first time mum so have no idea whether it's reasonable/practical for my husband to bring the baby along for the evening party only? He would drive there (will take around 2 hours in the rush hour) so again, not sure how practical that is with a very young baby.

1. I can't drive so will need to travel by train then take a taxi there as it's in the countryside.

1. It's a weekday wedding so my husband might have to take the day off work to look after the baby. He gets very limited leave as it is.

I don't know whether I should firstly ask to bring the baby along (on the basis that I will be breastfeeding and my husband will otherwise need to book a day off work). However, I'm also not sure how fun a wedding would be looking after my young baby on my own if my husband isn't there? As such as I would like to decline the invite out of principle, I don't want to miss one of my friends get married.

Any advice?

All this "politely decline" advice might work if the invite is from your neighbour, a colleague or distant relative.

As it's the OP's "closest friend", I think we can probably assume that declining the invite without any further explanation will result in the breakdown of the relationship.

You need to talk to her OP. Of course you can't go without your DH and your DC particularly if breastfeeding. Or you can probably just go for the evening only.

Particularly if your friend doesn't have DCs, she might not be aware of the implications of caring for a bf baby and was perhaps trying to ensure you got a nice, stress free day out without a baby. But without talking to her, you don't know what's in her mind. So ask!

I did weddings with DDs when they were about 8 weeks to 3 months old but only where we were staying at the venue and someone was upstairs in the room with them, or baby could come all day.

I think the only way I could have accepted the invitation personally is if both of you plus baby could come in the day. The evening bit is the hard bit with a little baby, when they are very tiny they sometimes sleep through but at 2.5 months they will likely just be disturbed by the noise. I managed to get through the day and the wedding breakfast with DD1 at 8 weeks but took her back to the hotel after that as she would not settle.

In this case I think you'd have to decline.

Everyone saying that the bride is thoughtless….its HER wedding. She can’t sit and worry about every guest she’s inviting and their personal logistics. The Day is about her and her partner getting married. If you want to go, go. If you don’t, don’t.

Just decline. Sounds like a massive faff.

Well, I did and we had 120 guests all day.

Four or five couples with small children, two with older children, my family travelling 250 miles to get there, DH's aged relatives - all were considered in terms of timing, venue, availability of accommodation, transport. It's just basic wedding planning and thought for others and I particularly considered the circumstances of close friends who I really wanted to attend.

If you pick a yurt in Outer Mongolia on a Wednesday as it like, so expresses who you are as a couple 🤑then you might not get all the people you'd want there.

What are you thinking now? I wouldn’t go.

Absolutely this.

I think just turn it down and tell her you’ll just have had a baby and wouldn’t be ready to leave him or her. I don’t think she’s being as unreasonable as other people think, I think she’s trying to strike a middle ground not realising how hard it’ll make it. I wouldn’t take a baby that young to a wedding anyway (but I generally don’t think weddings are good for very young kids anyway and it’s ten times more stressful for the parents!)

She's one of your closest friends so have a grown up conversation.

We got the invites through Saturday, they're lovely. I'm not really sure what we can do ATM tho. Because the b SWaby will only be 2.5 months, I don't feel like I can come without her 🙈 go to the wedding. This gives you scope depending on distances to pop back after the wedding / breakfast. He joins you with baby on the evening and you sleep over.

I certainly wouldn't drive back after

I totally agree with this! It was the same with our wedding. We wanted to make it as easy, convenient and enjoyable for our guests as possible. I never understand the attitude of "its their big day they shouldn't have to consider anyone else."

Lots of differing views but I think I'm going to explain the situation as suggested above and ask whether it would be possible to extend the invite to my husband (and baby) if someone drops out of the day given the logistical/practical issues attending separately would otherwise entail.

If that's not possible then I will probably just RSVP to attend the ceremony and stay for a reception drink. Not really up for a 4 hour car journey to attend an evening reception for a few hours especially with DH having work the next day.