Is it bad that I'm disappointed 😞?

[Apple55]

Son and his fiancée were due to get married next year and wedding has been booked for over a year. Venue and vendors all booked and deposits paid. Wedding and bridesmaids dresses bought. Venue requires a minimum of 80 guests and ds and df have signed a contract. Ceremony was also due to take place in venue. Son rang me today and said although they still want to get married, they no longer want the big wedding as they are too anxious about being the centre of attention. Money is tight for them, and we were already paying for reception but I offered to pay for the rest of wedding. He says they want to change to a smaller venue and just have about 5 people at the ceremony and a party at night. They're coming over at weekend to discuss options. I can't help but be disappointed as he is my only child who will likely get married and I was really looking forward to it. There are very few venues nearby which could cater for small numbers and will probably cost just as much due to lost deposits.To be honest I've lost interest in helping them plan. I feel so deflated but I don't want there to be any discord between us. I know I'm being selfish as it's their wedding not mine, but I can't seem to help myself.

How much your money have they flushed down the drain of non-refundable deposits, OP?

You can’t help how you feel but the important thing is that they have the day they want, not keep going with something they’re not into. I’m sure your feelings will pass soon enough. A small ceremony with a party at night sounds lovely. Stop worrying about what others will think, it’s not important, everyone does what suits them when it comes down to it.

I agree.

It's a shame they've changed their minds. But don't you want them to have the wedding they want?

I had a big wedding that I didn't want, that I was pushed into having. I hated it. I wanted a small 20 person wedding with a party after with more people.

I ended up with a 150 person wedding that my parents and ILs wanted. I'm still sad and resentful. It wasn't a day for me, it was for them.

Have the guests who have already booked rooms been sent a formal invitation? If not then they've been a bit over eager and I think that's on them. If they'd been sent an invite then I can understand feeling uncomfortable around that. I would hate to put people out or have them lose money on their bookings.

It sounds like they've been going along with what they thought was expected and now that it's getting closer and reality is setting in, they've realised it just isn't the day they want. They're not the first couple to do this and they won't be the last. I'd encourage them to do the maths and work out if they will actually make a saving or if there's ways they can adjust their plans to suit what they want better. Eg no grand entrances/ seated in amongst the guests etc. Ultimately its their day and its for them to decide what they will enjoy and its your job to support them but it's ok to feel disappointed provided you aren't letting on.

I was wondering this too. It is their wedding and their decision but since you are paying you are involved somewhat. Perhaps they might compromise with about 20 guests, maybe with a more expensive meal plan so that you are paying the venue the same amount as you would for 80? I know that sounds wasteful but it means you might not have to cancel, though perhaps the venue are factoring in 80 people spending money in the bar in their costs, so it might not work for them.

We had a similar situation with DS and his fiancee although they hadn't actually spent any money and we were keen to help as much as we could. In the end instead of a do with bridesmaids and a big buffet they had the smallest room in the registry office with her DM, DH and me followed by the 5 of us in a pub. They had no photographer, no wedding dress, no wedding car. But the wedding was beautiful and moving and we loved being a part of it.

There's been over £2500 spent on deposits. I've also spent over £250 on venue decor but that doesnt bother me as someone else will be able to use it. She also has bought all the dresses and accessories. The people who've booked hotel rooms were close family and some of the bridal party.

The people who've booked hotel rooms were close family and some of the bridal party.

Will they lose money, too?

I think you have two separate issues here.

Is it unreasonable to feel disappointed that your son wants a small wedding? Yes, a bit but it’s also totally understandable and my mum would probably feel the same if I told her we were just going to nip down the registry office and out to the pub. For better or worse my parents cared about me having a proper wedding. It is their day but it is also sort of your day too so you can feel sad but also try to enthuse about the small wedding which will also be lovely.

Is it unreasonable to feel disappointed and cross they have allowed you to spend waste non-refundable money on deposits? Of course not and I think here you have the right to express your frustration to your son. What are they doing to do to recoup the cost? They surely cannot expect more money?

Really I feel that they have made their bed and they should lie in it. A “big wedding” can be scaled down in other ways. They don’t have to have a first dance, speeches or cut the cake publicly. They could opt for a more casual reception dinner. They could say their vows privately with family and then have a reception with everyone else.