Save the date-what to do

[Leesa394]

Hello everyone. I'm getting married soon and I had sent out save the date cards. I sent them to my colleagues too. A couple of my colleagues are my friends but some I dont talk to outside of work.
Anyway I sent them save the dates too which I regret as they have made life hard for myself and many others since I sent the cards.
I regret sending the cards out and do not wish for them to be apart of my day at all.
What to do please?

Tell them that you're having a smaller wedding so can't invite them after all?

Would this seem rude? If I invite some of my friend colleagues and not the others?
Also how to go abouts doing it? I imagine it will be very awkward

Probably! But you don't want them there, so are going to have to detach them somehow.
A save the date card is not the same as an invitation...

Yes it would be awkward as some colleagues will say "oh my invite arrived" and univited colleagues will wonder where there's is and ask you about it.

Vet awkward if you work together

Etiquette would suggest you cancel wedding one and re-invite to a different smaller group. But that's probably not practical

So I would change jobs or invite them.

I’d invite who I wanted there and if any of the others who have made your life hell in the meantime query their lack of invitation, I’d just say blandly “oh we had to cut numbers, cost of living you know”.

Why on earth did you send Save The Date cards to them?

Honestly it's pretty rude to do that and not invite them to the wedding unless something drastic happened since.

It's also pretty awkward to them still have some colleagues attending!

Can you just make all work people evening only invites? Hopefully half of them will get pissy and won't come at all.

I know it was stupid of me to do this.
I regret it so much to the point it's affecting me alot.
I was to be around my loved ones on the day who wish the best for me and I know they don't

I'd not invite any colleagues at all and say sorry but we've had to slim down the wedding so we're only having close family now.

It is always awkward to invite some colleagues and not others although sticking to people you see outside work is reasonable. Either you politely explain you have been forced to slim down the list eg your in laws are insisting you invite a whole other branch of dh family or you disinvite all tje
colleagues.

Can you take in some cupcakes and un-save the date? Say you've had a venue issue and have had to re-do numbers. Get the awkward over with now and you can all move on.

Just what is the difference between a save the date card and an invitation? I've often wondered.

Tell them you’ve had to scale back due to price increases + family members - but don’t invite any colleagues (unless you very obviously have a best friend or two there). And don’t be afraid to say ‘we’ve messed up’ and that you are disappointed and stressed to have scale things back. Only say this once though! And then don’t talk about your wedding at work either, if asked keep it low key. I’m sure lots of them will be relived as weddings are expensive and a bit of a faff if you aren’t close to the b & g.

In my (ancient) view, save the dates should go to the key people only, those whom you'd be upset to hear they'd booked a holiday in between your choosing the date and finalising details for the invitation. So for say 25% of the guest list, 50% at most.

Invitations only go out when all the details are finalised such as timings, dress code, how many guests you can afford, etc.

Very rude to send a save the date then not invite to at least the evening do. They may have turned down something else in the interim. I'm sorry but you need to apologise if you back out there

Teen, I think op realises that now - imo save the date cards shouldn’t happen at all, you just tell key people when the wedding is. But OP can’t time travel and needs advice on how to get out of the muddle that she is feeling bad about.

Whatever happens, you need to address it sooner rather than later.

Previous poster's idea of taking in cakes and apologies that you've had to scale down on numbers is a good one. If you have a couple of close friends at work that you definitely want to come, invite them quietly!

Yes, cakes is a good idea. Basically you need to ‘own’ your error (I hate that phrase!) so that people can’t mutter or moan.

I was just answering Knickerless on the difference.

re The OP. Front it out. Say at next opportunity that you are 'really sorry, got over excited, can't afford to invite whole department, please throw way the save the dates'.
Then if there are 1 or 2 you socialise with properly outside of work, invite them later if you want to.

STDs should really only be sent to the subset of possible guests who represent the select few without whom you day would not be complete (or who live on the other side of the planet and need extra lead time to get there at all). So those who receive them can reasonably assume that they will be invited because you really want them there

Even if you've chosen to spread your STDs more widely, they still go only to those who you will be inviting.

(You can probably tell that I think they're an unnecessary cost - because you can just tell the people who fall in to the groups where extra advance warning is useful without buying in special stationery - and liberal use of them can lead to messes such as this)

OP: you liked them well enough not just to invite them, but to give formal written notice of the impending invitation. So getting out of it is essentially the same as rescinding an invitation.

So either decide that - I liked them well enough before and may do so again by the time the Day comes round, and refuse to let their presence rile you.

Or you have to go public round the workplace that you are scaling back the wedding, and essentially cancel the attendance of all colleagues.

Which leaves the residual problem of colleagues you like. But are they real friends, or just people you see sometimes away from work? If real friends, you can invite them quietly later on, and rely on them not to cause difficulties for you at work. If it's just occasional socialising, then I'd have a think about how important their presence is

Thank you for all your responses. I've been extremely stressed about this for some time now to the point I'm struggling to sleep as all I can think about is the backlash I'm going to receive and how badly I've messed everything up.

I think the way to deal with it is to give evening invites to all the colleagues you've sent StDs too.

Just say sorry COL, wedding gone over budget need to cut back.
But do it sooner rather than later, people may well have organised holidays round your date.

In my (ancient) view, save the dates should go to the key people only, those whom you'd be upset to hear they'd booked a holiday in between your choosing the date and finalising details for the invitation. So for say 25% of the guest list, 50% at most.

As I think others have said, you don't need a card for that. You just tell siblings, aunts an uncles, close friends "we've booked the Grand Hotel and St Mary's Church for 9th June."

I was thinking about just inviting them to the evening reception however, I know the type of comments they will be making during the day and at work and what I'll have to put up with. I'm so scared and worried about all of this

I think evening invite is better than nothing. I think it's quite rude to send a StD without following with any sort of invite.

How many people are you talking about? And does it include partners?