Page 3 | Save the date-what to do

Leesa394 · 2023-08-06T20:27:00+00:00

Hello everyone. I'm getting married soon and I had sent out save the date cards. I sent them to my colleagues too. A couple of my colleagues are my friends but some I dont talk to outside of work. Anyway I sent them save the dates too which I regret as they have made life hard for myself and many others since I sent the cards. I regret sending the cards out and do not wish for them to be apart of my day at all. What to do please?

Lavender14 · 08/08/2023 00:29

Have you specified that they're invited to the entire day on the std? I personally wouldn't uninvite them unless things are already really sour in work because I would worry that would get worse I would probably move them to evening only and then not bother with them if they turn up.

Do you think they're actually likely to go on the day? A lot of people don't attend work ones as they know they're often invited out of manners.

woodenfreckle · 08/08/2023 05:36

I wonder if they don't really want to go and are wondering how they can decline as your save the date cards have stopped the excuse of a diary clash? I think they might prefer an apology and a bit of cake!

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 07:35

I think you'd need to say in person, using money as an excuse. You could equally blame MIL wanting to invite Great Aunties that DH had forgotten about pushing you over the venue capacity.

But money really only gets you out of inviting them to the meal, evening guests are fairly cheap, £10 a head for the buffet. Hence needing a reason to completely exclude.

How long to the wedding?

Willmafrockfit · 08/08/2023 07:51

invite them all and then ask them to confirm, if you dont get on, i presume they wont want to come.

Olika · 08/08/2023 07:55

I would tell all of them that you had to scale down so unfortunately it will be only family.

Willmafrockfit · 08/08/2023 07:57

i think send them all an evening invite

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 07:57

Willmafrockfit · 08/08/2023 07:51

invite them all and then ask them to confirm, if you dont get on, i presume they wont want to come.

I definitely wouldn't risk that if you really don't want them there. They might just use it as an excuse for a day out / meal at your expense.

My initial response was to down-grade them to an evening invite and tbh I still think that's what I'd do. Because going from a STD to nothing is a serious snub, and a very awkward conversation. And you still need to face these people after the wedding.

ZenNudist · 08/08/2023 07:58

Just don't invite them and tell them sorry we had to cut numbers. It's fine. Tell them sooner so they aren't saving the date.

Just to let you know not to save the date for my wedding. We have booked a smaller venue and are more limited on numbers. I apologise but hope you understand.

Willmafrockfit · 08/08/2023 08:07

Just to let you know not to save the date for my wedding. We have booked a smaller venue and are more limited on numbers. I apologise but hope you understand.

that's good, if you are not inviting any of them

urbanbuddha · 08/08/2023 08:15

Forget about the save the date cards.
I think you should talk to HR, or your line manager if there’s no HR, if your colleagues are stressing you out this much. It sounds like bullying.

Wrenjeni · 08/08/2023 08:16

I really don’t think it will be a big deal to un save the date, especially with some cake and excuses about numbers etc. If someone at work did this I wouldn’t give it another thought.
how you tell them depends on how you usually interact. Email or WhatsApp probably ok if you don’t tend to see them altogether or casually in person. There might be a bit of gossiping for a bit if they aren’t nice people but just accept that and they will soon move on.
just focus on how much better you will feel after you’ve done it.

Wrenjeni · 08/08/2023 08:17

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 07:57

I definitely wouldn't risk that if you really don't want them there. They might just use it as an excuse for a day out / meal at your expense.

My initial response was to down-grade them to an evening invite and tbh I still think that's what I'd do. Because going from a STD to nothing is a serious snub, and a very awkward conversation. And you still need to face these people after the wedding.

Show quote history

Would you really take it as a serious snub? From a work colleague?
I like weddings and look forward to them if I’m invited but it honestly wouldn’t bother me.

poppy1973 · 08/08/2023 08:21

Just invite them to the evening do. Some will be a little upset and not come but at least they have had a wedding invite. They aren’t. Close to you so just do the evening invites.

Theproofofthepudding · 08/08/2023 08:23

So maximum 12 people? As a colleague I would expect it to be evening only. Save the day cards were never a thing in my day. I should imagine they wouldn't all come anyway.

rainbowstardrops · 08/08/2023 08:54

GardeningIdiot · 08/08/2023 00:24

What sort of comments are they making? You say your are scared of the "backlash", stressed and not sleeping.

Are you being bullied? Do you need to involve HR.

This is exactly what I was thinking.
It's quite extreme to be so anxious about inviting them that you're losing sleep. How are they treating you?

Original poster

Leesa394 · 08/08/2023 09:06

They made life extremely difficult for me when I first started. It then settled down. Then they started to do the same with my close friend who then ended up leaving due to this.
New individuals have started since then who are also doing the same, making comments, going round gossiping etc.
I spoke to one of those individuals about the possibility of having to cut down on numbers, they shut me down and said it's not right to do this and my life at work will be very difficult for me.
I'm just stressed about all of this. I had to book annual leave to get my head around everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Leesa394 · 08/08/2023 09:11

I've heard them talk badly about my friend's wedding just a few weeks ago and then say nice things to her face.
My friend is aware of all of this too

OP posts:

newtoallthisshizzle · 08/08/2023 09:30

You need to start a new thread about your workplace situation, that sounds much worse than the std cards.

Sounds awful and bullying and quite territorial so I can quite understand why you’re feeling so stressed about it.

I am in my 50s however so have no qualms about tearing off any plasters or being deemed “rude”.

viques · 08/08/2023 09:34

OP, you have really let this get inside your head. I think you have to deal with it or the buildup to your wedding will be miserable for you and the joy and excitement you should be feeling will be sucked out of you.

I think the suggestion up thread about taking in cakes and rescinding the STD is the way forward. Do you have everyone’s email at work? Send out a group email ,

header Wedding invitation Apologies from Leesa

Hi everyone, this is a hard email for me to write, so please be kind. I recently sent out some save the date cards for my wedding, but unfortunately we have had to change the venue for something much smaller and consequently have had to drastically reduce the number of people we can host. I would have loved to have seen you all there and shared my day with you , and I apologise for any inconvenience caused by this change of plan. Please pop by my desk at about 3.00 this afternoon for some I can’t Believe It’s Not Leesa’s Wedding Cake and a personal apology.

Many thanks in advance for your understanding

Leesa

mainbrochus · 08/08/2023 09:35

Forgot the wedding -
you need a new job !

they are gonna bitch whatever you do . The less worse is blaming a venue change for the cut in numbers, not inviting them all and just going grey rock with them until you get a new job.

they are not your friends, they are bullies.

Lavender14 · 08/08/2023 10:03

Leesa394 · 08/08/2023 09:11

I've heard them talk badly about my friend's wedding just a few weeks ago and then say nice things to her face.
My friend is aware of all of this too

I think if work is stressing you this much then you need to go to hr as others have suggested. But as for this point, every person in the room will have an opinion on your wedding. Some will love everything others will think they'd do it differently if it were them, everyone has their own taste, but the ONLY opinion that matters is yours and your partners. It doesn't matter a bit what others think of your day as long as you have a great day. You need to stop worrying so much what others are thinking of you and worrying about their opinion on your wedding and start focusing on what you want for your day because it would make you happy. You'll never please everyone so focus on pleasing yourself. Otherwise you're going to find the whole planning massively stressful even without the work ones going/ not going.

Original poster

Leesa394 · 08/08/2023 10:30

I feel like not inviting any of colleagues because I know that will make situation better but I really want my friends from work there. 5 of them really there

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 08/08/2023 10:43

Cancel the date. Start again a month or two later and refrain from inviting anyone who is not a close friend. Be prepared to hear not nice things said about change of plan.
OR ..
Invite them to the wedding and an after ceremony champagne and cake half hour. (Is there a hall attached to the church?)
Invite your close friends to the wedding, the celebration drinks and the evening celebration where most of the speeches, food and festivities will be.
OR ..
Send out change of plans card. Apologise that you can not afford nearly as many people as planned. Uninvite all people at work and say that only some of them will be reinvited once you clarify numbers. Apologise and say how silly you wereto not consider all the costs involved and be prepared for nasty things to be said (but they will soon get over it). Some months later send out new cards to only those you wish to come.

SoundTheSirens · 08/08/2023 10:48

I spoke to one of those individuals about the possibility of having to cut down on numbers, they shut me down and said it's not right to do this and my life at work will be very difficult for me.

At this point I would have gone straight to HR, I'm afraid, and reported a threat of bullying.

I do appreciate that I'm coming at this from what sounds like a different place to you, OP; I'm old enough and ugly enough and don't give a shit enough not to put up with pathetic workplace bullies, and it sounds as though you maybe don't have the self-confidence to push back, which is understandable if they've been eroding your mental wellbeing. But ultimately this is YOUR wedding, you're entitled to invite only who YOU want there, and the fact they've behaved so badly towards you honestly makes me boggle that they could feel so entitled as to make your life difficult if you said "sorry, I got carried away but we're having to cut back on numbers". WhyTF would you want nasty little bullies at your wedding??

You've been given some good advice about how to deal with the StD issue, but the best advice is to report their behaviour to HR, and maybe even think about following your friend's example and looking for another job. (Can she keep an ear out for any vacancies at her new place and give you a heads-up?)

surreygirl1987 · 08/08/2023 10:59

I was thinking about just inviting them to the evening reception however, I know the type of comments they will be making during the day and at work and what I'll have to put up with. I'm so scared and worried about all of this

Definitely amazingly rude to send a STD but no invitation. Inviting them to the evening only is absolutely the best course of action.