Save the date-what to do

[Leesa394]

Hello everyone. I'm getting married soon and I had sent out save the date cards. I sent them to my colleagues too. A couple of my colleagues are my friends but some I dont talk to outside of work.
Anyway I sent them save the dates too which I regret as they have made life hard for myself and many others since I sent the cards.
I regret sending the cards out and do not wish for them to be apart of my day at all.
What to do please?

6 people and yes

I would just rip the Bandaid off and do the rude thing: "sorry, I made a mistake, I shouldn't have given you a StD card."

If you don't want them at your wedding are you bothered how they'll feel to be in StD'd?! Probably not.

*to be un- StD'd, that meant

I think an evening only invite is an insult to whoever you're inviting. If someone isn't good enough to be invited to the whole shebang, then don't invite them at all.

You don't like them, they aren't nice to you, you don't want them at your wedding.

As far as I can see, you have 3 options:
1 - Go ahead and invite them. They're horrible, you worry for months, you're upset on your wedding day.
2 - Invite them to the evening do only. They're still horrible but now they're also rude. You're still upset.
3 - Apologise and tell them they'll not actually be invited, as suggested above. They're a bit put out, you have a couple of days of feeling awkward at work, but then it blows over. You get on with looking forward to your wedding.

OK, it's not ideal and a breach of etiquette, but so what really? People are rude to each other all the time, usually with far less justification than this. Doesn't sound like there's any pleasing them anyway, so no point making yourself miserable over it. They probably wondered why you were planning to invite them in the first place.

I only had family and close friends to wedding and meal afterwards as we were limited to numbers, so had some of my work colleagues in the evening only. Did your STD invite them to the actual wedding or the evening. Just tell them you are limited to numbers for the wedding, but they can attend the evening. The day goes by so fast, it’s your day, do what you have to.

I'd just not invite them and if asked feign surprise and remind them that I'd explained ages ago that I'd had to scale down numbers 'cost of living doncha know' and I was very upset at the time, they must have been off that day.
Mind you, I'm full of bluster.

Maybe it's a cultural think but in Scotland it's unusual not to have Evening Invitations not everyone can afford to pay meals for all the people they'd like to celebrate with.

This.

“Hi, colleague X. With the cost increases we’ve had to slim down a lot to afford our wedding. It’s embarrassing, but we can’t invite you to the wedding after all. I am very sorry.”

Take in doughnuts or something if you want to make your apologies, but tear off that plaster now and move on.

I think this is the best thing to do.

Be really apologetic. "Own" the fact you totally messed up by sending out Save the Dates before confirming details, and be really apologetic and self-blaming.

However I think you will be asking for trouble if you then do ask 1/3 of them to come.

I was thinking about just inviting them to the evening reception however, I know the type of comments they will be making during the day and at work and what I'll have to put up with. I'm so scared and worried about all of this

I mean, as a rule, I would generally only expect colleagues to be invited to the evening of a colleagues wedding celebrations anyway.

Like others, the whole faff of sending 'save the dates' is once again shown to create more issues. I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell the key people (parents, siblings, grandparents maybe if you are lucky enough to still have them, bridesmaids and best man) to put the date in their diary.

What a horrible thing to do! ^ Don’t do this!

I agree with @UsingChangeofName - if you do uninvite the colleagues you don’t like (which I have to say - is very rude, there’s no way round it) then you’re really asking for trouble if you subsequently invite a couple of the group.

If I were you I’d suck it up and have them there. You can have whoever you like at your wedding, but it’s one day and you also have to live with your working environment unless you’re planning to change jobs!

if you really can’t bear to have them there then be SUPER apologetic and do something nice to apologise (like the cupcake idea).

Thank you everyone. I feel so stupid for getting into the mess that its making me not excited for the wedding.
I really dont want to come across as rude and thats my biggest fear and the backlash that I may be faced with.
But deep down I know I wont be happy if I go ahead as I know what I'll have to face as work.
Just feel scared and miserable at this point

OK, deep breath, feeling embarrassed is reasonable, scared and miserable isn’t! It’s not that big a deal and if you act soon and just tell people that you are embarrassed and have had to scale back. If they aren’t nice and don’t like you then presumably they would decline anyway or be annoyed to feel obliged to go, if they are nice they’ll understand! I think you have to invite none of them though. Just get over and done with and you’ll feel much better. No need for misery!!

Send them an evening only invite for the actual thing, if you’re happy to do that.

This.

Embarrassment - yes
'Scared and Miserable' - get this in perspective.

Just be really apologetic and admit your mistake. I doubt anyone is that invested - unless you are going to say the wedding is this Saturday and people have got babysitters and taxis booked and bought outfits and presents.

Something my DH has helped me with over the years is this. He asks me things like? "Do you really care what they think?" "Do you want them as friends?" "Is this an opinion of someone who matters?"

I've been know to struggle a lot with not wanting to upset anybody but, no matter what you do in life you aren't going to please everyone!

I'd would say "really sorry we've had to limit the numbers and I'm afraid we can't invite you now" Life is too short.

If they have a go and/or keep going on about it I would then tell them the truth. Nothing wrong with stating the facts they aren't making your life pleasant so why would you want them at your wedding.

Just invite all your colleagues to the evening do .

And think about what you would think if a colleague did the same - sent std then said that they’d had to scale back and they were embarrassed etc. I expect you’d feel a bit sorry for them and not think much more about it. It’s a much bigger deal for you than them!!

Exactly this. If they’re so unpleasant that they’d kick off about it and make life awkward for you at work, I’d be tempted to say “and this behaviour is precisely why you were top of the ‘uninvite’ list”.

If they've made your life miserable would they even expect an invite.

Are they purposely being horrible to you. If so I wouldn't give not inviting them a second thought

Do not invite them! You don't want them there, you will regret it on the day if you invite them in any way now in order to save yourself short term discomfort.

Unsave the date, rip it off, you will feel so much relief once it's done.

It's a really good life lesson (and lesson for the rest of wedding planning!) - sometimes in life you have to accept that decisions you make will piss some people off. People will have a little bitch behind your back. And then they will move on.

THAT'S OK!!

Learning to sit with the discomfort this will entail, and accepting it, is an important part of getting older and not giving a shit.

Do it for Future You, on your Wedding Day!

Rip the plaster off, do it tomorrow!

How do I approach this? in person? send message?

As it sounds like you are in a fairly small office / workplace, then do as has been suggested.
Take some cake in and - in whatever situation you are normally altogether - be that a Team meeting, or your lunch break, or whilst you are all sitting at your desks, or whenever everyone is together, just say
"Look chaps, I am really embarrassed about this and don't quite know how to approach you all, but, you know how I sent everyone Save the Dates for my wedding ? Well, it turns out I was a bit hasty, and we've crunched the numbers and realise we just can't manage to invite you all. I feel like a real heel that I got it so wrong, but think I just got carried away in my excitement. We just can't manage to invite lots of the people we had originally hoped we were going to be able to so have had to re-jog the invitation list and I'm afraid we just can't mange to invite you any more. I know this is extremely rude and I can't apologise enough, but I have brought you all some cake as a peace offering."

The response then from any half decent individual would be "Don't worry at all. I was a bit surprised to receive the Save the Date in the first place. You've got nothings to worry about. Mmm. This cake is nice. Thanks"

What sort of comments are they making? You say your are scared of the "backlash", stressed and not sleeping.

Are you being bullied? Do you need to involve HR.