Save the date-what to do

[Leesa394]

Hello everyone. I'm getting married soon and I had sent out save the date cards. I sent them to my colleagues too. A couple of my colleagues are my friends but some I dont talk to outside of work.
Anyway I sent them save the dates too which I regret as they have made life hard for myself and many others since I sent the cards.
I regret sending the cards out and do not wish for them to be apart of my day at all.
What to do please?

Sorry, but in the “being rude” stakes I think being bitchy two-faced bullies making OP’s working life difficult trumps a wedding etiquette faux pas!

I feel like not inviting any of colleagues because I know that will make situation better but I really want my friends from work there. 5 of them really there

Can't quote for some reason -

How many colleagues have you sent STDs to? Do the bitchy ones work closely with your friends?

Are they really friends or just good colleagues - will you still be friends with them in 10 years when you're looking back on your wedding photos?

To be honest, people are so nice to you on your wedding day that you probably won't mind at all. Plus, at a large event, you end up spending very little time with each person at the beginning and then gravitating to the ones you want to spend time with as the day goes on. You'll enjoy yourself no matter what. If you're worried about causing ructions, do whatever is least aggro and don't worry at all about the day. You'll have a lovely time.

I'm mostly worried about inviting them and then having to come back to work, putting up with comments as usual. Then regretting it.
It's just really tough

You don't want them there - so don't do it!! You've had some great suggestions upthread about how to uninvite them OP. You just need to bite the bullet and get it over with, you'll feel so much better once it's done and you'll actually get to enjoy wedding planning!

hold your head up high,
it is your wedding
you invite who you WANT to celebrate with you.

Honestly you’ll get to your 50s one day and wonder why you were so worried and scared of their reaction and you’ll wish you could go back in time and change things. I used to be a lot like you but honestly at 52 I couldn’t care what anyone thinks of me and think nothing of shutting down rudeness and calling people out on their behaviour.
Do your future 50+ self a favour so there’s no regrets and just be honest with them.

Tell them you find their behaviour awful, bullying and they obviously didn’t enjoy the last wedding they attended so you won’t put them through that again, so you’ve decided only close colleagues.

I reckon you’ll see new respect from them and they’ll be on a mission to be nicer as they’ll be shocked you stood up to them. if not, so what, no loss. Switch off emotionally from their gossiping.

Ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen?
So they’ll gossip about you? So they freeze you out? So what? Just get on with your job and ignore them.
Also isn’t there someone in charge at work you can speak to about the bullying and made to feel like this?
I’ve often found over the years that people like this get weeded out at work and no use wasting time worrying about them as you won’t know them forever.

It’s your day so go do it the way you want and enjoy it.
I had to be a bit like this over bridesmaids - those that are meant to be in your life will stay and people like this will come and go. The people that want the best for you are the only ones worth having around.
Good luck and get enjoying the planning.

Also tell yer one who said work life will be difficult if you do - that you don’t appreciate being threatened and for her to grow up. Just say it how it is- call out their childishness.

Thank you everyone for all your help.
I've taken a few days to try and put it aside to help me mentally.
I wanted to still invite my friends from work but do you think this is wise as it'll most likely cause more issues? What to do?

If you really want your friends from work there then you will have to brazen it out and say something like ‘sorry we have had to reduce the guest list to family and close friends’ but be prepared for some bitching and let it wash over you.

Any secrecy will bite you on the ass. People will talk, see photos etc. so you need to be up front about it.

and start looking for a new job!

Hope you are feeling better! Imo it would be more straightforward to not intvite any work people - less potential for muttering!

And you won’t have to give it any more brain space!

I think it really depends how close a friendship you have with them.

1)Do you already regularly socialise with them outside work for non work reasons, eat lunch together most days, know the names of their partners, children and pets, do you have their personal phone numbers and email addresses, are you on a WhatsApp group with them?

Or 2) are they just the people you like best at work because the others are toxic, but really your relationship starts and ends at the office door and you have no contact with them outside work.

if it is 1 then chat to them about the invitation and explain your problem, they will understand and either decline the invitation to cut off the gossip, or may accept and offer to have your back against the bullies.

If it is 2 then, yes you like them, but they are not really your friends, and although they probably appreciated you sending the save the date they will not be offended if you withdraw the invitation, because let’s
face it, most of us have better things to do than to go to a virtual strangers wedding.

The only issue is is that one of those individuals that I would be sending it to is my manager who's also involved in all of this

What Viques said.

But why are you just stretching this out.
As has been said so many times on this thread - just pull the plaster off.

Op you either down grade all of them to an evening invite, which is all colleagues ordinarily be given or to say no to all of them blaming COL.

If I was your manager I would be really relieved if you made the decision and withdrew the STD from everyone, sounds as though there are more than enough opportunities for unpleasantness in the team without adding to it with some people invited and some not.

Goodness, it sounds like an awful place to work. You should spend all this mental energy on getting a new job and not appeasing work place bullies. Dis-invite the lot and go elsewhere for employment as soon as you can. Your manager can't fire you for this and it can't get any worse.

Hello everyone. I appreciate everyone for advising me.
I will be doing this, I have just put it off for abit as things at work aren't so great currently.
My concern is how my managers will also treat me after this, I'm quite worried.
I'm sorry about rambling on about this. I just feel quite stuck as I know how it's goimg to be

Oh, good grief.
Why are you still procrastinating ?

The longer you leave this, the more of an issue it is going to be.

It's got nothing to do with your managers.

Why do you think they would treat you differently ?

Everyone has told you what to do, and how to do it.
Why ask if you are just going to ignore everyone's advice?

Let alone resurrect the thread again.

I mentioned previously that my managers are also part of the group that I will be sending this to

Just make them evening only and leave it there!

What have you decided to do? It's not clear, to me at least.

You tried to do a nice thing by inviting everyone. They are not nice to you and probably don’t want to come to your wedding anyway. Just give invites to those you want there on your day and back track with the others. Plenty of advice on what to say. They may well be relieved to be off of the hook.

Enjoy your day and stop fretting about it all.

I've done it. Didn't go down so well