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Original poster

Nephew at wedding

82 replies

pastaislife · 09/05/2023 07:19

Don’t have kids yet so not sure if I am the unreasonable one..

Getting married next month. Sister is staying in the on-site accom with nephew who will be almost 3.

She was asking about accom facilities, and said something along the lines of ‘well of course we’ll miss the first dance/cake cutting as we need to take nephew off to do bathtime and bedtime routine before 7pm bedtime’

I thought for a one off they could’ve stayed a bit longer?! Skipped bath maybe?! Was trying not to pull too much of a face but just seemed very OTT to me! Was thinking of asking if they could stay a bit longer for the main bits but not sure how well that will go down 😵‍💫

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 09/05/2023 08:37

Has she got a partner? Why can’t he do bath and bed on his own?

I loved a routine when my twins were small, saved my sanity at times but I certainly didn’t miss weddings/parties etc.

Or sit on hotel balconies at 7pm, like some people do 🤣

Odd but let them get on with it OP.

CheersForThatEh · 09/05/2023 08:42

Yabu. Routine makes some people feel in control and birth can bring on mental health issues so leave her to it.

Kindly, you are cutting a cake and dancing, its exciting for you but probably not really anyone else on the same scale.

Raaasaur · 09/05/2023 08:44

I have 4 DC. Some of them could’ve stayed the course for a bit, some would definitely not have been able to stay up. They are all different. It could be her being PFB, but equally, things are very different with young children, and it can be hard work.

Her day at your wedding will consist largely of trying to ensure he’s not a pain in the ass and ruining your day. That’s no fun for her and certainly not the laid back affair that anyone their child free is having.

Maybe cut her a bit of slack on this one. I get it’s maybe not what you want, but she’s likely trying her best to accommodate multiple conflicting requirements.

WeWereInParis · 09/05/2023 08:44

Depends on the child. One of my DDs would have become a screaming nightmare if overtired and after a busy day with lots of new things and people etc a 2 year old will be tired - she'd have been screaming through your cake cutting. My other DD doesn't really get overtired, she can be a lot more flexible in her bedtime.
Also with my eldest I was still breastfeeding her at that age, just before bed, so while DH could do the rest of the bedtime, he couldn't do that. Breastfeeding at that age is uncommon though so it's more likely that her DH could just do it himself.

But I don't think you'll really notice who is there for the first dance and cake cutting. And I think you're being a bit unreasonable to call them "main bits". If their child is a bad sleeper then that can really take over and even though when you look back you can see that maybe you got a bit overly rigid, years of sleep deprivation can do that to you. They might also be thinking that since it's an unfamiliar location, sticking to the familiar routine is even more important.

Basically, yes maybe they're being overly rigid but a bad sleeper can send you crazy.

dontmakefun · 09/05/2023 08:44

I get really frustrated with parents who do this sort of thing.

Let him stay up!

phoneissue · 09/05/2023 08:46

Her DH puts baby to bed, simples. Sis pops up to say goodnight unless it’s going to derail the whole bedtime…

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/05/2023 08:46

Some kids are absolute nightmares if their routine is disrupted and staying up an extra hour isnt worth a whole evening/ night / next day of hell.

But why does it take two of them? Surely she could stay?

LimeCheesecake · 09/05/2023 08:49

I guess it might come down to which would ruin your cake cutting and first dance more, a) having your sister out of the room for those, b) having an overtired toddler screaming/running around the dance floor under your feet/crying or c) delaying it all 20 minutes so your sister can be done, left DN with a babysitter and returned to the party.

Fandabedodgy · 09/05/2023 08:50

Personally I was always relaxed with routines at age and would have not bothered with bath and let my kids stay up late/fall asleep in a buggy.

But not everyone is the same. If she wants to stick you routine regardless then it wouldn't bother me.

KvotheTheBloodless · 09/05/2023 08:51

I thought like you do pre-DC. I naively assumed DS would fit into our plans rather than the other way round. Suffice to say, he didn't! Some kids are fine out of their routine, but others go into complete meltdown when overtired - DS was like this aged 2-3. I'd not have inflicted him on an evening do for fear he'd hog the limelight with an epic tantrum!

123sunshine · 09/05/2023 09:20

You cannot control what other people do, only how you react to it. It is bonkers to be so rigid, but their choice. I say this with 2 kids now older who were great sleepers at home, slept through the night from 10-12 weeks, but I never enforced a rigid routine when we had plans and wen tout, the kids just learned to adapt. Mostly parent who say their kids can’t cope are projecting their own control issues. But obviously kids of that age do get overtired and have meltdowns, though would be amazed if and extra half hour/hour would be a deal breaker! You honestly won’t even notice then not there as you’ll be caught up in your own moment. If you make a fuss you will just make it an issue. Likewise you cannot and should not alter your timings to accommodate their rigid routine. Just let it go…

Summerfun54321 · 09/05/2023 09:22

Every single wedding we"ve been to with young kids we've had to leave or go in a different room with the kids as soon as the music starts because it's way too loud for them.

countrygirl99 · 09/05/2023 09:26

One of DC would have coped fine staying up late and would just have been a bit kranky the next day. The other had an off switch around 7pm and was utterly impossible after. I would have been insisting on being the one to take him to bed as I need an other people break for a few minutes after hours of socialising. That would leave me refreshed for the rest of the evening.

WeWereInParis · 09/05/2023 09:29

123sunshine · 09/05/2023 09:20

You cannot control what other people do, only how you react to it. It is bonkers to be so rigid, but their choice. I say this with 2 kids now older who were great sleepers at home, slept through the night from 10-12 weeks, but I never enforced a rigid routine when we had plans and wen tout, the kids just learned to adapt. Mostly parent who say their kids can’t cope are projecting their own control issues. But obviously kids of that age do get overtired and have meltdowns, though would be amazed if and extra half hour/hour would be a deal breaker! You honestly won’t even notice then not there as you’ll be caught up in your own moment. If you make a fuss you will just make it an issue. Likewise you cannot and should not alter your timings to accommodate their rigid routine. Just let it go…

To be honest, if you only had children who slept through from 10 weeks then you don't understand what having a bad sleeper is like. No one becomes a parent thinking "I'm going to be so rigid, I'll be ruled by nap time and bedtime and will miss out on things because of the routine". Generally parents who are rigid like this a) hate it, and b) blame themselves for creating the situation they now don't know how to get out of.
Lack of sleep turned me into a crazy person. And made me feel like a complete failure because apparently I should just have "gone with the flow" and the baby "will just have to adapt" and sleep.

I doubt OP's sister is thinking "oh good, I'm so glad that my son's sleep is such that I have to miss part of my sister's wedding. This is just what I want."

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2023 09:33

I mean they could let him stay up it's not a huge deal, but let them crack on with it, they are the ones missing out .

thing47 · 09/05/2023 09:48

OP I mean this kindly but the first dance is only really important to you, it's all about you and your new husband having a moment together. Everyone else thinks 'ahhh' for a couple of minutes then either joins in the dancing or wanders off to get a drink.

123sunshine · 09/05/2023 09:51

WeWereInParis · 09/05/2023 09:29

To be honest, if you only had children who slept through from 10 weeks then you don't understand what having a bad sleeper is like. No one becomes a parent thinking "I'm going to be so rigid, I'll be ruled by nap time and bedtime and will miss out on things because of the routine". Generally parents who are rigid like this a) hate it, and b) blame themselves for creating the situation they now don't know how to get out of.
Lack of sleep turned me into a crazy person. And made me feel like a complete failure because apparently I should just have "gone with the flow" and the baby "will just have to adapt" and sleep.

I doubt OP's sister is thinking "oh good, I'm so glad that my son's sleep is such that I have to miss part of my sister's wedding. This is just what I want."

Show quote history

They slept as I had them in a good routine as I couldn’t cope with the sleepless nights. My firstborn would never sleep when out and about, so I stayed home to keep his routine mostly In the daytime. My children were born 15 months apart, so a routine was vital to give me some sanity, particularly day time naps, good sleepers don’t come without some routine and sacrifices. But I didn’t allow them to rule our lives and they adapted if we went out to friends, weddings Etc. Many poor sleepers are born out of parents that run to every murmur their kids make and they don’t learn to self soothe. My two children were very different as babies, but they both learnt to adapt. Maybe I was just lucky. But friends who were really rigid, were frankly a bore to be around. And many of their kids and have grown up to totally rule the roost at home. The whole household has to run round them. A chilled parent really does rub off on children. Over anxious parents create over anxious kids.

RampantIvy · 09/05/2023 12:24

dontmakefun · 09/05/2023 08:44

I get really frustrated with parents who do this sort of thing.

Let him stay up!

Not all children are the same. Some toddlers get overr tired and just scream the place down.

Icantthinkofausernamee · 09/05/2023 14:13

I don't think it will make any difference to you whether she's there or not by that point. If you let it become a "thing" it'll become so much bigger and affect your relationship when you probably wouldn't have noticed if she was there or not anyway! I don't remember and couldn't really see who was there for my cake cutting/first dance and can only tell from those in the background of photos.
Some children are absolutely nightmares if they go to bed late, taking ages to settle, waking up more often or being grumpy the next day. You're not the one who will have to deal with that. If that's him I don't blame her trying to get him to sleep at his usual time!

Frankenpug23 · 09/05/2023 21:00

I took my 2 1/2 year old and 12 week old to my sisters wedding - the family pitched in so I could be a bridesmaid and my MIL took them back for a nap about 4ish so we could listen to the speeches etc. Then I just got the double buggy out and settled them in there - feeding my DD as needed. My 2 plus year old had a ball and didn’t go to sleep till 9 we had a lovely time. I think your sister is being OTT to be honest, and her DH should be stepping up here and letting her stay a bit later! - at 3 there should be some bedtime flex! But shes missing out so just ignore and have a fab time!

Sunshine275 · 09/05/2023 21:12

Sounds utterly ridiculous of her. My 2 year old was lovely life till 9-10pm at my wedding. Fell asleep in her pram and was looked after my grandparents. Is she usually this OTT, maybe she’s jealous the attention will be on you. Just strange, I find it odd.

Hbh17 · 09/05/2023 21:14

We ended up being out of the room during the cake cutting/first dance at a wedding last year. The bride & groom didn't notice at all. We did have a very good reason, as the bride and groom agree when we actually mentioned it to them 5 months later.
Just let your sister do what she wants - it will make no difference at all to you.

celticprincess · 09/05/2023 21:16

Had a toddler and baby at weddings before. That’s what buggies/prams are for. We would make sure PJs were in a bag on the buggy and would quickly change them and they’d eventually conk out in the buggy/pram. Usually later than usual but we’ve never had one of us go back to the room and miss the party for it. First time around we were quite strict with routine but them falling asleep at the party always worked well. But then there are kids that can only sleep in the dark bedroom and nowhere else. We did come from a family though who always took their kids to the party and stayed (or the evening entertainment on holiday) so it seemed to be the norm for us when it was our turn. We’ve also had baby/toddler not invited so they’ve had to stay with grandparent when we’ve attended the wedding.

Marblessolveeverything · 09/05/2023 21:20

I am past the stage but it wasn't the time that was the issue but my children were unnerved by merry adults acting strange, the smell of alcohol and the noise was unbearable. Small children when over tired can be a disaster and your sister is probably considering she may not get sleep that night and have a grumpy toddler the following day too.

UWhatNow · 09/05/2023 21:21

YANBU

I would be deeply hurt if my sister put this ahead of my wedding plans. Yes, it’s only the dance and cake cutting but it’s a special day and she should be there to support and cheer you on.

A tired 3 year old will bloody well live if he doesn’t get his exact routine for one day - in fact it might be exciting for him to be around family and music and pretty lights for an hour or two later… her husband ought to be stepping up too and giving her a night off. Why isn’t he?

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