Nephew at wedding

[pastaislife]

Don’t have kids yet so not sure if I am the unreasonable one..

Getting married next month. Sister is staying in the on-site accom with nephew who will be almost 3.

She was asking about accom facilities, and said something along the lines of ‘well of course we’ll miss the first dance/cake cutting as we need to take nephew off to do bathtime and bedtime routine before 7pm bedtime’

I thought for a one off they could’ve stayed a bit longer?! Skipped bath maybe?! Was trying not to pull too much of a face but just seemed very OTT to me! Was thinking of asking if they could stay a bit longer for the main bits but not sure how well that will go down 😵‍💫

[Doingmybest12]

There must be more to this otherwise why wouldn't you trust your sister to make the best plan for her son or want your sister to do something she isn't happy about. She will be at your wedding.

[Thepossibility]

My 3 yo I would keep up for the party. Some other 3 yo would be miserable if kept up late and would make it very plain that they were miserable.
Just enjoy your party and let them crack on with whatever is best.
You don't want a toddler tantrum at your party.

[ZoraMipha]

@Lcb123

Honestly my best wedding advice is don’t worry about what any one else does throughout the day. You won’t notice if they’re there or not

This. You will be having such an amazing time on the day, you are very unlikely to care!

[Ladybug14]

It'd lovely that you've invited the child, OP. So many don't like children at weddings. Maybe your sister is on MN and is keen for her child to cause zero 'trouble' 😀

[PyongyangKipperbang]

It totally depends on the child. Mother of 6 and 4 of them would have stayed up a bit and slept longer. 1 would stay up until after last orders and been up at cock crow.

But dc5 would ruined it. He needed his routine....no matter what I tried, no he needed it. If I had tried to keep him up past bedtime it would have resulted in a mad half hour followed by a mega screaming fit and a horrible day the next day. He developed his routine not me!!

So it's easy to say "oh don't be so precious" if you haven't had one of those kids, and I would have done before he was a toddler, but those of us who have had routine needing kids are more understanding.

[Tiddlypomtiddlypom]

Some parents are beyond inflexible in their kids’ routines. To the point that they’ll make their own lives really, really hard. I don’t get it personally. I’m all for some routine, but working flexibility into that is beneficial. And staying up a bit late, as a near three year old, and missing a bath, is surely not going to cause the end of the world? Unless their rigid routine has created a child who cannot cope with change of any description.

[StaunchMomma]

They know their child best, at the end of the day.

Maybe they've kept him up on another occasion and it turned him into a devil child? Maybe it throws his sleep pattern off and they get a week of 5am wakes? Maybe they are anxious parents who just cannot handle the thought of someone else doing their child's bath/bed routine? Some kids/parents handle changes to routine no problem and others don't.

You won't miss a couple of guests taking off to care for their child for a few hours on your wedding day, surely? You'll be busy having fun!

Don't take it personally, OP. Hope you have a wonderful day.

[UWhatNow]

YANBU

I would be deeply hurt if my sister put this ahead of my wedding plans. Yes, it’s only the dance and cake cutting but it’s a special day and she should be there to support and cheer you on.

A tired 3 year old will bloody well live if he doesn’t get his exact routine for one day - in fact it might be exciting for him to be around family and music and pretty lights for an hour or two later… her husband ought to be stepping up too and giving her a night off. Why isn’t he?

[Marblessolveeverything]

I am past the stage but it wasn't the time that was the issue but my children were unnerved by merry adults acting strange, the smell of alcohol and the noise was unbearable. Small children when over tired can be a disaster and your sister is probably considering she may not get sleep that night and have a grumpy toddler the following day too.

[celticprincess]

Had a toddler and baby at weddings before. That’s what buggies/prams are for. We would make sure PJs were in a bag on the buggy and would quickly change them and they’d eventually conk out in the buggy/pram. Usually later than usual but we’ve never had one of us go back to the room and miss the party for it. First time around we were quite strict with routine but them falling asleep at the party always worked well. But then there are kids that can only sleep in the dark bedroom and nowhere else. We did come from a family though who always took their kids to the party and stayed (or the evening entertainment on holiday) so it seemed to be the norm for us when it was our turn. We’ve also had baby/toddler not invited so they’ve had to stay with grandparent when we’ve attended the wedding.

[Hbh17]

We ended up being out of the room during the cake cutting/first dance at a wedding last year. The bride & groom didn't notice at all. We did have a very good reason, as the bride and groom agree when we actually mentioned it to them 5 months later.
Just let your sister do what she wants - it will make no difference at all to you.

[Sunshine275]

Sounds utterly ridiculous of her. My 2 year old was lovely life till 9-10pm at my wedding. Fell asleep in her pram and was looked after my grandparents. Is she usually this OTT, maybe she’s jealous the attention will be on you. Just strange, I find it odd.

[Frankenpug23]

I took my 2 1/2 year old and 12 week old to my sisters wedding - the family pitched in so I could be a bridesmaid and my MIL took them back for a nap about 4ish so we could listen to the speeches etc. Then I just got the double buggy out and settled them in there - feeding my DD as needed. My 2 plus year old had a ball and didn’t go to sleep till 9 we had a lovely time. I think your sister is being OTT to be honest, and her DH should be stepping up here and letting her stay a bit later! - at 3 there should be some bedtime flex! But shes missing out so just ignore and have a fab time!

[Icantthinkofausernamee]

I don't think it will make any difference to you whether she's there or not by that point. If you let it become a "thing" it'll become so much bigger and affect your relationship when you probably wouldn't have noticed if she was there or not anyway! I don't remember and couldn't really see who was there for my cake cutting/first dance and can only tell from those in the background of photos.
Some children are absolutely nightmares if they go to bed late, taking ages to settle, waking up more often or being grumpy the next day. You're not the one who will have to deal with that. If that's him I don't blame her trying to get him to sleep at his usual time!

[RampantIvy]

@dontmakefun

I get really frustrated with parents who do this sort of thing.

Let him stay up!

Not all children are the same. Some toddlers get overr tired and just scream the place down.

[123sunshine]

@WeWereInParis

To be honest, if you only had children who slept through from 10 weeks then you don't understand what having a bad sleeper is like. No one becomes a parent thinking "I'm going to be so rigid, I'll be ruled by nap time and bedtime and will miss out on things because of the routine". Generally parents who are rigid like this a) hate it, and b) blame themselves for creating the situation they now don't know how to get out of.
Lack of sleep turned me into a crazy person. And made me feel like a complete failure because apparently I should just have "gone with the flow" and the baby "will just have to adapt" and sleep.

I doubt OP's sister is thinking "oh good, I'm so glad that my son's sleep is such that I have to miss part of my sister's wedding. This is just what I want."

They slept as I had them in a good routine as I couldn’t cope with the sleepless nights. My firstborn would never sleep when out and about, so I stayed home to keep his routine mostly In the daytime. My children were born 15 months apart, so a routine was vital to give me some sanity, particularly day time naps, good sleepers don’t come without some routine and sacrifices. But I didn’t allow them to rule our lives and they adapted if we went out to friends, weddings Etc. Many poor sleepers are born out of parents that run to every murmur their kids make and they don’t learn to self soothe. My two children were very different as babies, but they both learnt to adapt. Maybe I was just lucky. But friends who were really rigid, were frankly a bore to be around. And many of their kids and have grown up to totally rule the roost at home. The whole household has to run round them. A chilled parent really does rub off on children. Over anxious parents create over anxious kids.

[thing47]

OP I mean this kindly but the first dance is only really important to you, it's all about you and your new husband having a moment together. Everyone else thinks 'ahhh' for a couple of minutes then either joins in the dancing or wanders off to get a drink.

[Mrsjayy]

I mean they could let him stay up it's not a huge deal, but let them crack on with it, they are the ones missing out .

[WeWereInParis]

@123sunshine

You cannot control what other people do, only how you react to it. It is bonkers to be so rigid, but their choice. I say this with 2 kids now older who were great sleepers at home, slept through the night from 10-12 weeks, but I never enforced a rigid routine when we had plans and wen tout, the kids just learned to adapt. Mostly parent who say their kids can’t cope are projecting their own control issues. But obviously kids of that age do get overtired and have meltdowns, though would be amazed if and extra half hour/hour would be a deal breaker! You honestly won’t even notice then not there as you’ll be caught up in your own moment. If you make a fuss you will just make it an issue. Likewise you cannot and should not alter your timings to accommodate their rigid routine. Just let it go…

To be honest, if you only had children who slept through from 10 weeks then you don't understand what having a bad sleeper is like. No one becomes a parent thinking "I'm going to be so rigid, I'll be ruled by nap time and bedtime and will miss out on things because of the routine". Generally parents who are rigid like this a) hate it, and b) blame themselves for creating the situation they now don't know how to get out of.
Lack of sleep turned me into a crazy person. And made me feel like a complete failure because apparently I should just have "gone with the flow" and the baby "will just have to adapt" and sleep.

I doubt OP's sister is thinking "oh good, I'm so glad that my son's sleep is such that I have to miss part of my sister's wedding. This is just what I want."

[countrygirl99]

One of DC would have coped fine staying up late and would just have been a bit kranky the next day. The other had an off switch around 7pm and was utterly impossible after. I would have been insisting on being the one to take him to bed as I need an other people break for a few minutes after hours of socialising. That would leave me refreshed for the rest of the evening.

[Summerfun54321]

Every single wedding we"ve been to with young kids we've had to leave or go in a different room with the kids as soon as the music starts because it's way too loud for them.

[123sunshine]

You cannot control what other people do, only how you react to it. It is bonkers to be so rigid, but their choice. I say this with 2 kids now older who were great sleepers at home, slept through the night from 10-12 weeks, but I never enforced a rigid routine when we had plans and wen tout, the kids just learned to adapt. Mostly parent who say their kids can’t cope are projecting their own control issues. But obviously kids of that age do get overtired and have meltdowns, though would be amazed if and extra half hour/hour would be a deal breaker! You honestly won’t even notice then not there as you’ll be caught up in your own moment. If you make a fuss you will just make it an issue. Likewise you cannot and should not alter your timings to accommodate their rigid routine. Just let it go…

[KvotheTheBloodless]

I thought like you do pre-DC. I naively assumed DS would fit into our plans rather than the other way round. Suffice to say, he didn't! Some kids are fine out of their routine, but others go into complete meltdown when overtired - DS was like this aged 2-3. I'd not have inflicted him on an evening do for fear he'd hog the limelight with an epic tantrum!

[Fandabedodgy]

Personally I was always relaxed with routines at age and would have not bothered with bath and let my kids stay up late/fall asleep in a buggy.

But not everyone is the same. If she wants to stick you routine regardless then it wouldn't bother me.

[LimeCheesecake]

I guess it might come down to which would ruin your cake cutting and first dance more, a) having your sister out of the room for those, b) having an overtired toddler screaming/running around the dance floor under your feet/crying or c) delaying it all 20 minutes so your sister can be done, left DN with a babysitter and returned to the party.