Vow renewals - your thoughts.

[AlmostThere2023]

DH and I have been together 22 years this year, married for almost 13. We had a lovely wedding and have since had DC.

We are approaching our 40s and have chatted about a vow renewal. We’re not party/big bash people so do not want to throw ourselves a second wedding. In all honesty, we’d probably want to fly off somewhere with DC and possibly DP/DSs only if they wanted to come and do something small.

Have you done a vow renewal? If so, what did you do?

I'd assume one partner cheated. Otherwise you'd have an anniversary party, and if you wanted you could make a short speech about how much you love your partner.

I'm not keen on them, I'd definitely have a party / holiday though

We’ve actually been together for 22 years though.

We’re not ‘party’ people though. The thought of throwing myself a big party fills me with dread. Our wedding wasn’t even that big.

If virtually nobody is going to be there to witness it, does it matter about the cheating assumption?

I don’t see the issue with reaffirming your promises after more experience of life. It’s lovely that you’ve been through the drudgery of daily life and significant stressors and you want to just reaffirm you’re still here by choice and would do it all over again. I can’t see how someone else choosing to do that could possibly be an issue for me.

I feel so glad sometimes I don’t have the absolute poison running through my mind some people on MN seem
to live with, lips constantly curled in contempt at
others. Imagine looking at someone else’s happy reaffirmation of the vows they’re living out every day and thinking the only possible reason someone might do something you wouldn’t is that someone has betrayed their partner.

People can have happy marriages and still love one another after all this time together.

Of course they can. DH and I have been together for 30 years, very happily still married and love each other. We made vows to each other 29 years ago, and those vows still hold true. Which is why we don't need to renew them.

You asked for people's thoughts on vow renewals, and you've been given them. Most people think that it's because of an affair. Sorry if you don't like that answer, but you asked.

I would do this because I was so manically depressed when I got married (abuse and trauma) that I can’t even look at the pictures, I was over weight and a heavy drinker, so I would like to do it again to
honour my wonderful husband and give him the wedding he deserves x

It doesn’t matter to me, I know none of our friends or family would think this. It’s just sad that it’s what people jump to.

Again, not generally considered an occasion momentous enough to involve other people in.

I’m not offended by it, just think that it’s pretty sad. Our view still hold true to this day, but having been to humanist weddings I think it would be nice to reaffirm with more personal vows and in private (apart from DC/DP if they wished to be there).

We’re not involving other people? As I’ve said it would be the two of us. And we’re approaching 25 years which I think is a big milestone.

❤️❤️❤️

I don't get why you need to renew them ... didn't it mean anything the first time? I don't understand the logic. I'd just celebrate a milestone anniversary. What exactly is the purpose and intent?

Vows do not need to be broken to renew them, sad that most people would automatically think this to be honest. People can have happy marriages and still love one another after all this time together.

If a vow hasn't been broken, why would you need to renew it?

IMO people in genuinely happy marriages don't need to renew their vows.

A load of attention seeking party-over-the-cracks wank. Unless you do it in private and then it just papering over the cracks.

But the vows you'd be renewing aren't even 13 years old.

We’re not involving other people? As I’ve said it would be the two of us.
The whole point of vows is that they're a public commitment made in front of family and friends.

If you heard that a couple you knew had decided that their relationship needed a private renewal of vows, what would your first thoughts be?

That it’s a lovely thing to do obviously. Shame that so many are instantly negative.

We had a blessing on a cruise when we had been married 20 years. Only family there and we would have been on the cruise anyway. No cheating and very happily married. The reason was because our wedding day was not as I hoped. We got married in Florida but due to a hurricane we had to be inside rather than where we should have been. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks before we flew and was sick as a dog. On my wedding pictures I am actually green. Don’t remember much as I was so tired I went to bed. The blessing was just my way of having a nice day and some pictures where I actually look healthy.

But if you are renewing 13/14 year old vows the 22 years is irrelevant?

I don't really know what bow renewal is all about, it doesn't make me think cheating so much as insecurity, for whatever reason.

Your initial vows haven't expired

You didn’t say it would be the two of you. Also it wasn’t quite clear that you were talking about going on holiday in three years time, to celebrate an occasion that is not your wedding anniversary. You said it would be you, your children, and possibly your parents and sisters. That’s quite a few people to ask to focus holiday time and attention on celebrating the two of you without any real occasion to do so.

The OP asked for opinions on vow renewals and people have been honest. Vows do not expire, and don’t need renewing unless they’ve been broken.

The only one showing contempt towards others here is you. Why do the opinions of others make you feel so strongly?

I would like a blessing in our church for our 10 year anniversary, and bring the kids and then go to the hotel we had the reception in for dinner and maybe a photo with the kids. I will wear white and depending on my humour at the time might have a little posy of flowers. I don't think we'd be making the vows again though.

Tacky.

Another one of these manufactured occasions designed to get people to spend money (see also baby showers, huge hen/stag dos, mothers'/fathers' day (though not Mothering Sunday), Easter cards, American Hallowe'en etc)

In 22/13 years we’ve changed significantly and have been through a lot of traumatic and health issues - no cheating/affairs and so on. Renewing vows is a celebration (privately for us) of our marriage and to mark all that we have gone through, supported one another.

For me, the idea of having a giant anniversary party is just awful and I wouldn’t want to do that. But a party seems to be the accepted norm apparently.