Vow renewals - your thoughts.

[AlmostThere2023]

DH and I have been together 22 years this year, married for almost 13. We had a lovely wedding and have since had DC.

We are approaching our 40s and have chatted about a vow renewal. We’re not party/big bash people so do not want to throw ourselves a second wedding. In all honesty, we’d probably want to fly off somewhere with DC and possibly DP/DSs only if they wanted to come and do something small.

Have you done a vow renewal? If so, what did you do?

There are no personal vows that can mean anything deeper or stronger than the traditional ones though. The idea is you are already living those vows every moment of your marriage so why would they need renewed or changed?

You take this person to have and to hold, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health from the day of your wedding to the day death parts you.
There is absolutely nothing missing in those vows. Personal vows will only ever be lesser versions of those traditional vows. They'll say the same basic thing but in a less all-encompassing way.

I agree with the previous poster who referred to vow renewal as self indulgent faff, because generally it is. Have a party or a holiday with your children but the vow renewal just isn't necessary if your original vows meant as much to you as they should.

You asked for comments and you're not liking what you hear, the comments can't be wrong anymore than what you decide what you do can't be "wrong". We're just saying what we think which is what you asked for,

When I look at extended family I don't know any that have said they've chosen to privately renew their vows in the way you describe - but maybe they've all kept it quiet. What does your spouse think of the idea?

What I have seen and been to is a lot of family and friend celebrations of 20/25/30/etc. years together. Two wedding/handfasting ceremonies for couples that had been together for 20+ years without being married. One renewal of vows in front of family/friends for a couple that had originally been married in Vegas with no family/friends present on a hippy camper trip 30-odd years ago, and one renewal of vows after 20-something years where everyone knew the marriage had been a bit rocky for the first three or four years and the original vows were at least a little tarnished if not actually rusty.

Of most people who I’ve heard renewing their vows 90% have been due to infidelity!

when I hear about a vow renewal I do cringe, there really is no need, **you’ve said your vows, they are for life , you only said them 13 years ago.

have a party, have an extravagant holiday but vow renewal is a no from me.

If you’re talking about doing something privately for the two of you then crack on. Recite your vows to each other every morning in bed if you want, no one else will ever know. Your OP talked about inviting your relatives to some kind of event on holiday, which is the opposite of private and probably why people are responding to that idea.

I’m failing to see how throwing a party, expecting everyone to come, bring gifts and putting yourself centre of attention and expecting everyone to celebrate you for one evening is not self indulgent?

What I actually said is that DC and DP/siblings could come but only if they actually wanted to - DC would come for the free holiday. I’d happily have it just the two of us but immediate family might want to come.

It wouldn't be for me but I think it's a nice idea, and especially if it's private rather than a big do I wouldn't make assumptions about affairs etc. Someone up thread called it "reaffirming" vows rather than renewing, which expresses it better for me. Renewing makes me think of a library book which is about to expire.

I fully intend on renewing my vows maybe when we hit a big milestone anniversary

Simply because I love my husband and I would marry him a thousand times over if I could, cheesy as it sounds 👍

I agree completely. There are some very unhappy people on mn.

@AlmostThere2023 in 22/13 years we’ve changed significantly and have been through a lot of traumatic and health issues -

Yeah.... that's the general idea of the "in sickness and in health, for better for worse" bits of the vows. It's exactly what we sign up for because it's the reality of sharing our whole life and whole self with someone who is sharing their whole life and self with us. I'm not trying to diminish your experience so sorry if it reads that way, hard to do context in typed mumsnet posts. My point is that most couples who have been married a long time will have experienced some degree of health scares or trauma or loss and/or something else just as horrific. It's the entire point of the vows is that you've already stated you'll be there with each other through it all and be the constant in each others' lives.
If that hasn't changed then a renewal just isn't necessary.
Hope that makes sense.

In a way, reaffirming vows after children, years of marriage, ups and downs, etc makes a lot of sense. Maybe everyone should have to do it 😁

It's a bit like confirmation in church.

@AlmostThere2023 I didn't say get everyone to bring gifts 😂
I thought you had suggested a party earlier in the post but may have misread that in which case sorry, just me being my dyslexic self!

Oh right. Well, in response to the idea you apparently meant to ask for thoughts on, “should I take my kids on holiday in three years time and invite other relatives on a no obligation basis, and have a private, unwitnessed romantic conversation with my husband while we’re there?” then yes, sounds marvellous. Enjoy.

For me, the idea of having a giant anniversary party is just awful and I wouldn’t want to do that. But a party seems to be the accepted norm apparently.

I agree with you about huge anniversary parties, they're not for me (although I'm very happy to go to other peoples). It's not an all or nothing situation though.

For our 25th wedding anniversary DH and I went on an amazing holiday. We had a brilliant time. On the actual day, we went out for dinner and talked about the last 25 years, agreed that we'd made the right decision 🤣 and told each other how lucky we were to have found each other and raised a family together.

No need for vow renewals or big public declarations of love.

Yes op clearly anyone not renewing their wedding vows every 13 years hates each other 🙄🙄

If you want to do it, I'd just go away and do it, but not tell everyone.
25 or 30 years into the marriage, going through lots of big changes, I'd see it as reaffirming that you love each other as much now and then etc., but barely a decade in I'd wonder what's up that you feel you need to stand there on ceremony, literally, and remind each other you love each other.

I would also assume that ‘vow renewals’ are a desperate attempt to publicly paper over the cracks after someone has had an affair. I wonder how many couples who do this are still together a year later?

Doesn't count tho, cos whatever you went through, however much you changed in the first 9 years was covered when you got married 13 years ago.

If you need to renew them to cover however much you've grown or changed or struggled with since then, that's 13 years.

Which does seem really early unless there was a life and death situ involving one of you / an affair

I agree, it’s a much better and accurate term for it.

Was one of you unsure or coerced the first time around? Other than that or breaking your vows, I can't see why you'd renew/reaffirm your vows.

Should vows be renewed if they haven't been broken? I'd go and have a nice holiday away to celebrate your anniversary. We plan to go away just us when it's our 10th anniversary.

Well that makes sense and if you want to do it for you, in that case why don't you just do something small somewhere, like a little ceremony on a tropical island or something

I find it cringe.

Do it privately if at all. Just the two of you.

No we’d been together for a long time prior to marrying and no cheating etc. we want to celebrate a big milestone (25 years) in a way that is meaningful to us. Reaffirming vows, I think, is a lovely thing to do.

I’d also find it cringey to attend one, definitely would be a private event. It’s for us, not a second wedding/for show.

That’s what I’m thinking. Somewhere you’d never normally go but for a special occasion