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Original poster

Getting married, but no proposal or ring - does it really matter?!?

44 replies

BCW03 · 06/06/2022 14:16

Been with my partner 8 years, and for the past few years he was dropping hints of us getting married. Due to me being divorced I kept shooting him down.
several times previously he said he couldn’t propose without a ring, but I told him I wasn’t really interested in marriage.
Recently i agreed to get married after a very brief and loose text conversation with him.
we have booked our wedding and registrar and planning all that comes with it, including another ceremony abroad.
There has been no proposal and no ring, and no conversation about a ring.
He knows I don’t care for a proposal, as I’m not into stuff like that. He’s not mentioned anything about getting a ring or whether I want one or not. I know he can afford one, and if he offered to get me one I’d probably tell him not to waste his money, but I’ve had some many comments on where’s your ring, and feel like I need to defend him, saying I didn’t want one, so people don’t think bad of him, but he doesn’t know this!

OP posts:

IamupInSpaceMan · 06/06/2022 17:21

No-one asked about the proposal or engagement ring by the way. Sorry I've made this about my experience, but I was happy with how things were done. If you're happy or want a ring, then just say so.

axolotlfloof · 06/06/2022 18:56

Are you talking about an engagement ring or wedding ring? Are you getting him a ring?
Why not discuss this properly?

LauraNicolaides · 06/06/2022 19:59

And just to clarify there was actually no proposal, no question, or even a suggestion about marriage.

In that case the two of you ought to talk about marriage and agree that you are getting married before you go any further down the wedding-planning path.

CorpseReviver · 06/06/2022 20:00

Hugasauras · 06/06/2022 16:41

Sounds like us! Our conversation was something like: 'Now we have DD we should probably finally get married.'
'Shall I ring them on Monday and book a date?'
'Okay.'

And that was it

You can still get a ring if that matters to you though. I had coincidentally seen one I liked around this time so we just bought that and I wore it as a sort of engagement ring.

Tbh no one asked to see my ring or about a proposal or anything, but if they had I'd just have said there wasn't one and I doubt anyone would have cared!

Yep we were very similar. Nothing wrong with it

ISeeTheLight · 06/06/2022 20:04

Just tell him you want to go ring shopping. Your posts are quite confusing and the guy is not a mind reader. You need to tell him what you want.

DP and I agreed to get married last year during one of the lockdowns. It was just a discussion ie we both agreed we had waited long enough, could afford it and wanted to get married.
Told him we'd go ring shopping once the shops opened again, and we did. I chose a gorgeous antique ring.

FinallyHere · 06/06/2022 21:27

Recently i agreed to get married

Much nicer to decide together than give him power over where and when to 'propose'.

We did this. DH proposed a couple of times, I wasn't interested.

A while later we both said 'let's get married' so we did. Simples.

I've read more of your posts now and confess I'm not quite sure what is happening. What were the circumstances in which you agreed to get married?

Do you belatedly wish you had a more romantic 'proposal' after all ? If so, tell him you have chanced your mind and want a proposal. It's only you and him.

All you have to do is communicate.

FinallyHere · 06/06/2022 21:28

Communicated with each other.

JamSandwich89 · 06/06/2022 21:59

This thread is so weird.

I don’t care for a proposal Sweet. Didn't want a (fancy) proposal and didn't get one, so no issue with how you both agreed to get married

if he offered to get me one [an engagement ring] I’d probably tell him not to waste his money Sweet. Likely don't want a ring and haven't got one, so good good

but I’ve had some many comments on where’s your ring, and feel like I need to defend him, saying I didn’t want one Sweet. Telling people that you don't want one... which is the truth

Or is it? Because honestly the only issue I can find is that you do want a ring but don't want to say you want a ring and you want him to know you want a ring even though you probably don't but you maybe actually do. Or.. are you wanting him to ask if you want a ring even though you probably don't want one? That's a bit of a... I'm trying to think of a polite way to say mind-f*ck. You can say to him you'd like a ring if you would like one, y'know 😅

LauraNicolaides · 06/06/2022 22:25

Sounds like us! Our conversation was something like: 'Now we have DD we should probably finally get married.'

Isn't that a proposal?

CorpseReviver · 07/06/2022 13:11

LauraNicolaides · 06/06/2022 22:25

Sounds like us! Our conversation was something like: 'Now we have DD we should probably finally get married.'

Isn't that a proposal?

Yes. But that's not the kind of proposal the OP is pretending not to want.

toobusytothink · 07/06/2022 13:18

My OH and I are never getting married but will have a commitment ceremony and exchange of rings at some point. That will be the only ring though. Don’t need an engagement ring. Surely you can just tell them you’re not exchanging rings or you aren’t doing rings or we’re exchanging rings at the ceremony (if you are). No biggy

Fenella123 · 07/06/2022 13:31

Presumably you are delighted with your DP (now fiance) and you both have even more exciting ideas for how to spend the money that would otherwise go on rings.
So just say that.
FWIW we got married for legal/financial reasons after many years and so although a miniscule bit of me would have been chuffed if he'd dropped down on one knee professing hugely romantic sentiments and holding out a pretty ring ... In reality it would just have been a bit stressful for both of us. It means so much more when he offers to give me a lift when I don't need one, just because he missed me ;)

FinallyHere · 07/06/2022 13:59

Absolutely right, everyone saying 'you do you'. There are few things sadder than someone getting swept away in a tide of other people's expectations.

However, if you really want some aspects of 'fancy weddings' all you need to do is discuss with your fiancée.

In life as in weddings.

EmmaH2022 · 07/06/2022 14:02

axolotlfloof · 06/06/2022 18:56

Are you talking about an engagement ring or wedding ring? Are you getting him a ring?
Why not discuss this properly?

this

also, I really hope there's been more discussion about the legalities, which is literally what marriage is.

Cotherstone · 07/06/2022 14:06

Does it matter to you?

We got married after 18 years and two kids because the legalities needed to be tied up. There was no proposal, unless you count DP forwarding the email of the appt he’d made out of the blue to give notice to marry. Only witnesses at the wedding. He bought me a beautiful engagement style ring a year later for a significant birthday, and I treated myself to a matching wedding style band another year later.

Do what you want!

HogDogKetchup · 07/06/2022 14:07

I suppose it depends on whether it’s important to you. A friend of mine announced she was getting married and bought her engagement ring and wedding ring at the same time.

Mytoddlerisamazing · 07/06/2022 14:10

Our proposal was me saying "I think we should probably get married" and him saying "ok"😂

Do you care?

Stellaris22 · 07/06/2022 14:22

Getting married without an engagement ring or proposal doesn’t sound weird. I was with DH for 8 years before we just had a discussion about getting married, didn’t see the point in a ring. It’s not for everyone and if anyone asked where a ring was I just said I didn’t need one. Been married 10 years and neither of us bother wearing our wedding bands either.

Ignore anyone who tries to undermine decisions you and your partner have made together.

Bananalanacake · 07/06/2022 15:09

Our proposal was me saying, 'think of the money you'll save on tax.' DH is self employed and saves thousands by being married. I told him I didn't want an engagement ring (one more thing to worry about losing), didn't need wedding rings as we went for the non ring ceremony. Had 2 guests, DH called my family and told them we'd just got married on the way home from the Rathaus, they were relieved they didn't have to spend hundreds traveling to another country for my wedding. Every time I lie back in my bath I think it was so worth having a cheap as possible wedding to pay for a new bathroom.

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