My wedding is ruined, finding going through the motions so painful.

[reallyverysad]

I am supposed to get married in a couple of weeks, a big wedding, all my family and friends coming, it was a dream. It's all paid for and only partially refundable. To cancel we'd be paying over £9k to not get married which seems insane.

I'm just so, so upset. My fiancée has lost his job, he's been performance managed out very quickly after a restructure and after being threatened with dismissal for poor performance he resigned. He did earn £80k a year in comparison to my £12k. I just don't know how we're going to cope. We don't have enough of a nest egg to tie us over for long. He's applied for jobs left right and centre, he has a couple of interviews lined up, perhaps all will be ok but at the moment we are in complete panic.

I have my final dressing fitting next week. We still need to sort out the final flowers with the florist. We need to return some suits and decide which one to keep. It all feels ruined, completely ruined.. what was excitement is now just terror at spending so much money on one day when we aren't sure how much longer we can pay our mortgage. It's not even as simple as cancelling as we are tied into contracts where we'd owe money anyway. If we postpone what do we do about our many, many family and friends who have booked accomodation. It's all tainted.

🙁 I’ve found in a similar situation (nowhere near that salary to be fair) that as the higher earner I paid for everything - everything. & didn’t have anything left to save. The first month or two after that relationship ended I felt insanely wealthy just having all this spare cash that had been covering ‘our’ lifestyle, which really wasn’t that grand. For example I paid all the rent, all the food. His car insurance, tax & petrol. Birthdays & Christmas gifts for both families covered 100% by me. It crept up & I hardly noticed for a long time. It just flew out my hand, honestly. Ex had a job when we met, then broke his leg, never went back to building work & had to be bullied quite hard to get back into the workforce after a LONG time off. It was financially really hard.
if potential losses on deposits alone is 2/3rd of OPs salary (before she’s taxed) the wedding seems quite big in proportion to her earnings. Maybe her DP is in a similar situation & has been paying out for the sort of lifestyle that accommodates 2 people on 80k

Warty I think the op said the wedding was paid for in full already. So I don't think she can reduce the cost of the wedding now unless she cancels it and then she will loose 9k but get the rest back. That's how I understood it anyway.

If it helps OP, I think the jobs market is pretty good right now. My work has been advertising for entry level admin role and a more senior admin role. Pay is good and there's a generous LGPS pension but we've had less than 10 applicants in 3 weeks. That includes applicants who are overseas and don't have a visa or people asking about working remotely abroad. Shortlisting is a struggle this year due to lack of suitable applicants. I think everyone is so nervous about impending recession that nobody is moving unless they have to.

so OP sounds like you say you can’t easily change your job. Therefore pressure on OH to get a job.

sounds like you can’t cut back anything from the wedding because it’s so close.

therefore other options to reduce domestic costs, can you get a mortgage repayment? Can you reduce the days at nursery? Not ideal but interest rates on personal loans are very low at the moment.

you need to map out what you have as savings/costs/income so at least you know what you’re dealing with

ultimately you should enjoy your big day

Get him to apply to a temp agency or an online job. It will still be a big drop in income, but better to have money coming in. It also means being flexible for interviews. Moving to a house wiped out my savings too, so I can see how it happened. Aside from that, cancel any regular payments you can, such as netflix and see if there is anything you can sell.

I really feel for your DP to be honest, all the pressure of having to bring home a large sum of money and now you’re thinking of cancelling the wedding because he’s lost his job?!

I don’t understand all the posters having a dig at the DP for poor performance, 80k jobs aren’t plain sailing and perhaps he was under way too much pressure to pretty much fully support the family.

OP I think you need to urgently look for a new full time job, so you’re BOTH putting in full effort to finding something and the other partner can pick up the childcare when the first one gets a FT job and go from there. I think you need to look at bolstering your skills as well so you can move up the career ladder to take some of the pressure off your DP and help stop this happening again.

Didn't you post yesterday about him being suspended? Why did he resign before taking legal advice?

Regardless, you need to breathe and stop catastrophising. No more rash decisions, it will just make things worse.

I have not posted before?

@reallyverysad my DP was made redundant at the start of the pandemic. As it went on for so long his plans to start a new business with his redundancy package went a bit wrong and we had a rough couple of years. We earned similar to you both and I'm not going to lie and say it was all plain sailing. Firstly talk to your mortgage advisor at the bank and request a payment holiday. This can be done for 3 months I think. Cut back on any household 'extras' sky, Netflix etc. shop sensibly. You will get through this. We survived, he got a job about 3 months ago and things are getting back on track. I'm thinking of you. It's a scary time xx

Things you have no control over:
Losing a job

Things you have control over:
Having a joyous wedding day

Please don’t let one bleed into the other, particularly when you’re about to celebrate the most beautiful, the most important day of your life, with the love of your life.

You’ve got the rest of your life to worry about other things. Gift yourself this one day. ❤️

Think about what you can scale bank on in everyday life - you say you’ve brought a new car can this be replaced by a cheaper one?
Cancel as many subscriptions as you can.
I don’t know much about mortgages but can you take a mortgage holiday?

What work do you do?

Regarding the wedding:
What have you already paid for?
What else do you need to pay for?

Hey OP,

I'm sure you and your partner are both terrified and have that horrible feeling in your stomach. But things will get better.

You have had great advice regarding your wedding. Comb though what's left to pay with someone who is more neutral, less worried and loves you.
Do it as cheaply as possible in terms of what is left.

In regards to the rest of your finances it's a matter of going through what you can cut back on for now. Prioritising mortgage etc.
As others have said, can you ask for cash gifts? Is it possible to get a refund on any honeymoon you had planned?

Please ignore the people asking why you didn't save. That ship has sailed and I'm sure in the future that won't be the case. But there is literally no point in dwelling on it now. People on here like to be sanctimonious, especially with higher earners. No one is perfect, including them.

Just engage with those who are offering advice and support.

Good luck with your wedding and job hunting for you both

Why are you having such a big wedding on an income of £92000 year with children?

Why does anyone? Different people have different priorities.

Debating the merits of a big wedding aren't that helpful at this stage. The OP needs to understand the additional unsunk cost of going ahead now, and if any of those costs can be reduced.

I imagine the majority of the cost is the sunk £9k. If it's not going to be that much more to go through with it, the OP should probably just go for it. If it's another £9k, well, that's a different kettle of fish...

This is a great object lesson in the wisdom of always living below one's means.

Hi OP. I'm not sure many of these posts are helpful to you. Hindsight a wonderful thing.

My DH was made redundant after the company he worked for went under due to the first lockdown. He earned similar to your joint income. I'm one of those (unmentionable on mumsnet) SAHM's , so our income went to zero overnight. I really feel for you. We had quite a bit of savings (very financially cautious) but still felt stress until he found an equivalent job. It took about 6 months (the whole sector was decimated due to lockdowns) but we're now back to where we were before.

I'd say cut everything down, non essential direct debits like Netflix etc, spend very cautiously, but please still get married. I understand your heart isn't in it (the party side of it) but what matters now is that you stick together as a team through this hard time. Being married is what is important, not the wedding. Cancel everything you haven't yet paid for and make the most of the rest.

You will get through this and will feel all the stronger for it.

This. As for savings, how many people realistically have a large pot of savings after buying a house or getting married, let alone both?! It sounds like OP and partner have been pretty good at saving. Waiting for a bigger pot of savings around here before buying a house would be more than eaten up by the increase in property cost.

Could you get together with all your bridesmaids, groomsmen and significant friends and family, and brainstorm the situation? You might find that people will step up with ideas and skills which could really help??

I'd love to know how much everyone had in the bank just after buying a house. DH and I are savers and we had nothing left. The bank required a 25% deposit as we bought in the crash.

We worked every hour available just to get the deposit together. We'd have been screwed if DH lost his job shortly after.

Hopefully you will find some things with the wedding to cut back on and can still enjoy your day.

Lunar. Obviously most people wouldn't have much if anything left after buying a house. But some of us wouldn't buy a new car and have an expensive wedding all in the same year/18 months. That's how the op has ended up in this situation . It's the combination of doing all three things in one financial year that has left her panicking now that her Dh has lost his job. People have suggested lots of great ideas but the op hasn't really responded to any of it. The wedding has left them so stretched financially that she has said they don't have enough pay the mortgage next month.

We had a lease car that needed to go back, we had to pay a deposit for a new one. We didn't go and buy a range or something stupid.

We can pay our mortgage for a couple of months I never said we can't afford it next month

OP things are not ruined long term, you're just in shock at the moment and understandably worried about the unknown next few weeks.

Your wedding is the start of your marriage, which will hopefully be long and happy but there will be ups and downs. You're a team so sit down with your fiancé and work out a plan.

What are your essential costs for the next 3 months?
Can you get a short term loan?
Can family help in the short term?
How long will you give fiancé to find a new job?
If he doesn't get a job can he look after your DC while you go back full time?

There is a skills shortage in many sectors at the moment. Can he retrain or move to a new industry? What are his transferable skills?

Things will work out but if you panic or stick your head in the sand then it will be far more stressful than if you put a plan together which means you can still enjoy your wedding and not throw away the money already spent.

Your DP had a well paid job and in my experience people who have well paid jobs get similar well paid jobs. I am an employment solicitor and have represented hundreds of people who have been sacked for all sorts of reasons (often for much worse than performance issues) and almost every single one has gone on to get another job on similar pay to their previous job.

The wedding is almost all paid for, see that as a blessing rather than a curse. Cut back where you can but have confidence in your partner, this is likely a short term blip in a long life together, don’t look back on your wedding day with regret!

I'm terrified about paying our mortgage, day to day life and surviving

I stand corrected op, you didn't say you couldn't pay it next month but you did say this^^

So that's not quite so bad op if you can cover your mortgage for a few months and the wedding is paid for. I hope you're feeling less panicked about things now and your Dh finds a new job soon.