Friends hen party abroad

[Gson]

Hi all,

My friend is due to get married end of next year and want her hen party abroad (my guess, around June time).

I am going to be maid of honour - let me start by saying I’m not really a marriage person and generally I think the whole extravagance of it is really OTT. Friend is the opposite, wants a big white wedding etc - absolutely fine! It’s her and her husbands to be day and it needs to be what they want.

Anyway, as I’m maid of honour I’m already feeling a lot of pressure. Hen party needs to be abroad, 20+ people are to be invited. She has expressed a wish to go to Dubai originally (which is insanely expensive!). I have got a few locations in mind in Europe, the whole thing will end up costing everyone probably £600+ plus with flights, accommodation, meals out and food still. She won’t be happy with something cheap, it’ll have to be a nice villa, nice restaurants etc.

I am (like most of her friends) saving to buy a house atm. She had her house paid for her by her parents. She is with a wealthy, older man and they really have no problems at all. She also has friends that are barely in work at the moment, are on low wages etc.

When I spoke to her mum about budgets for the hen, I said I wouldn’t be looking to go anywhere too pricey so as many people can come as possible. Her mum basically said ‘just go where Susie wants - people will have to find a way to afford it’.

Her mum also alluded to us paying for her trip - splitting the cost between all of us. I nearly lost it!

The whole thing has just really stressed me out and made me quite cross. Obviously, friends getting married is really exciting but why do we have to be SO out of pocket for their choices.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do you pay for the bride, even if it’s abroad? How can I cut costs and still make it nice for her?

Rant over - I don’t know whether I’m being totally unreasonable and need to just suck it up. And I’ll end it by saying I love her to bits!

A friend of mine wanted to go abroad but it soon became apparent that most people couldn’t afford it and instead we went to another city in the U.K.- the brides meal and drinks were paid for by the whole group but her accommodation and train ticket were paid by her family.
Fact is when people refuse to attend or suggest a local hen as well the bride will likely change her mind, the best hens are about the number of people who can go not the opulence.
Do you know the other girls?
My advice, so a tough costing to put to the group and see the response- then relay this to the bride (not her mum). Also don’t book or pay for anything without money from everyone.

Dubai? She sounds like a knob....

Sorry that's not helpful to you but YANBU

YANBU, you all need to be straight with her and simply tell her you can't afford it

I think you need to have a honest chat with her.

"Do you want the trip abroad for your hen to be where you want with lots of people being unable to afford to attend or would you rather something affordable with most being able to attend?"

I guess she needs to know the situation and be given a chance to readjust her expectations if she chooses.

But I agree with what you're saying about the hens getting out of hand. I'm sure it must be causing problems constantly everywhere.
What's wrong with the days of a bar crawl dressed in sashes etc or a good ole garden party with games.

It seems to have lost its real meaning of the last day hurrah before the marriage.

The current situation might be a good excuse to make a case against a hen do abroad. If rules, you might lose all your money and not get a holiday. There might even be restrictions on the number of people that can meet up in this country.

*rules change.

I would send a group text with a poll ‘are you happy to do x and it cost x, honest answers please’. When you have an overwhelming answer of ‘no’, you can tell her you happy to organise it but she’ll be going alone

Can you set up a WhatsApp group with the hens and try to feel out what everyone else is thinking budget wise? I’m sure you’re not the only one keen to keep costs to a minimum.

I feel for you, DP’s best friend is set on having his stag do in Vegas next year and has been very vocal about the expectation that everyone will attend and they won’t be scrimping on costs. All very well when you’re on £150k and still live at home, not so much for my self-employed partner who has lost 6 months of work in the last year while we also try to save for a house but wouldn’t dream of letting down his friend

You need to discuss it with her. I had my hen do in the city I am from as those friends travelled for the actual wedding. I would be tempted to send an email with a vote/google form with a variety of options and see what people say. Then talk to her. DO NOT pay for anything without people paying you in advance-or you will be left with the shortfall when they undoubtedly drop out.

YANBU but she TOTALLY is! She sounds selfish and totally out of touch with reality, and you really need to have a chat with her and just be honest.

My poor sister has tried to organise two hen nights for me, one for my first wedding and one for my (hopeful!) July wedding.

Both times my rules have been, no going abroad, no "willy" tat, no other tat, not a lot of people, NOTHING expensive for people. She is currently limited to an afternoon tea, in her back garden, for four people inc me. She is disgusted by my limits, but I don't see why people should have to fork out just cos I'm getting married.

You may want to think about an anonymous poll for the hens about they can / want to spend. People may feel embarrassed talking about what they can afford in a group WhatsApp.

Thanks so much for your advice. I definitely won’t book a thing until I have all the cash.

As a PP said, god knows what kind of restrictions we will be living with by then in terms of travel (especially in large groups). I really hope we don’t end up losing money - when I spoke with her about it, she didn’t seem bothered because ‘we’ll all be vaccinated’ but I don’t know if it’ll be as simple as that, with variants emerging etc.

I have already thought about popping a message on the group chat we have and asking everyone to message me individually with their budgets and whether they feel comfortable about booking abroad, given what’s going on. How the hell will we get insured for 20+ people trip abroad when corona is still going to be a thing.

Does anyone know if we are or I am expected to cover the cost of the holiday for the bride? 😩 also, does 4/5 days seem enough?

I feel like I’m already treading on eggshells with this - if it’s not perfect, I’ll know about it!

4-5 days? Do any of these women have families, I wouldn’t leave my children for that long: a long wkend surely

4-5 days?! Too long! I think your friend needs a head wobble. You need the consensus options of the others, how long can they go for, what would be the max budget etc.

I’ve always been too busy to go on a hen do lasting more than 2 nights

Her mum basically said ‘just go where Susie wants - people will have to find a way to afford it’.

I'd find a way by not bloody going. With her mum's attitude like that it's not surprising she's going Bridezilla.

I don’t know some of them so I’m not sure. But good point, I’ll have to check if they have families and how long they would want to be away for etc.

That being said, I feel like it’s a massive faff to get on a plane and fly abroad for any less than 4 days (long weekend). Bride was on about a week! 🤯

"How the hell will we get insured for 20+ people trip abroad when corona is still going to be a thing."

Not your concern. You sort your own insurance. This sentence alone tells me you're taking on more than should be expected.

She sounds like a brat.

These situations tend to go too far because people nod their heads along and then either drop out at the last minute causing more issues or go along and resent the situation. Someone needs to be brave and suggest it is too much, and then you will find lots of people agreeing with you and plans will have to change. I wouldn't even dream of spending 600 pounds on a hen do, but then I'm not a fan of them and am not having one at all.

I’d find a way not to be the one to organise this.

Can you afford to go OP?

No way would I waste a week's leave on a hen holiday with a bunch of half-strangers, nevermind the ridiculous cost.
I agree with anon poll with approx budget - night out in local city

Be honest with her about your situation. "I love you very much and want to support you - but I am saving for a house and can't afford a holiday to Dubai. If you want me to step down from being MoH I will." - you have then set your store. Not had to worry about the others and been honest. Even if she is a bit upset, asks you not to be MoH and goes ahead with a dubai trip....you won't be stressed by it. It also doesn't put you in the awkward position of people telling her they want to go to dubai and then telling you they don't really....and expecting you to sort it out.

The thing is I CAN afford to go as I have a pot of savings and she knows this. But I don’t really want to be spending that much going away on a hen - as I said previously, she really doesn’t have to save for anything. She drives a Range Rover, owns a 5 bedroom house etc.

I rent a 1 bed flat and no car yet. I just have better things to spend my money on, like topping up my savings to buy my first property but she won’t see it like that.

IF I ever get married as well, I wouldn’t expect a penny spent on me by anyone else. I may not even have bridesmaids or a hen party. So although you don’t give to receive, it’s not like she’s going to end up doing this for me one day (does that sound bad? ).

OP you need to make it the hens' decision, not yours, and confront her with the reality.

Set up a WhatsApp group for the hens "Brides Hen Party" without her in it, if it doesn't already exist

Send message along the lines of - bride to be would love a special hen do abroad with you all, and we'll do a second one in UK for those unable to make the abroad one. I know it's a long way away but so we can get the best deals I'm trying to get an idea of numbers already
Abroad hen do will be 4-5 days, most likely Dubai, £600 per person, June 2022
UK hen will be afternoon & evening, most likely July, budget £100 per person.
Please can you let me know if you'd be interested to attend one or both (or neither!)

Then when inevitably everyone replies saying no to Dubai, you can tell her sorry, no one can afford it.

And I agree with PP I'm afraid, anyone with this little empathy or self- awareness sounds like a knob. Good luck.