Friends hen party abroad

[Gson]

Hi all,

My friend is due to get married end of next year and want her hen party abroad (my guess, around June time).

I am going to be maid of honour - let me start by saying I’m not really a marriage person and generally I think the whole extravagance of it is really OTT. Friend is the opposite, wants a big white wedding etc - absolutely fine! It’s her and her husbands to be day and it needs to be what they want.

Anyway, as I’m maid of honour I’m already feeling a lot of pressure. Hen party needs to be abroad, 20+ people are to be invited. She has expressed a wish to go to Dubai originally (which is insanely expensive!). I have got a few locations in mind in Europe, the whole thing will end up costing everyone probably £600+ plus with flights, accommodation, meals out and food still. She won’t be happy with something cheap, it’ll have to be a nice villa, nice restaurants etc.

I am (like most of her friends) saving to buy a house atm. She had her house paid for her by her parents. She is with a wealthy, older man and they really have no problems at all. She also has friends that are barely in work at the moment, are on low wages etc.

When I spoke to her mum about budgets for the hen, I said I wouldn’t be looking to go anywhere too pricey so as many people can come as possible. Her mum basically said ‘just go where Susie wants - people will have to find a way to afford it’.

Her mum also alluded to us paying for her trip - splitting the cost between all of us. I nearly lost it!

The whole thing has just really stressed me out and made me quite cross. Obviously, friends getting married is really exciting but why do we have to be SO out of pocket for their choices.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do you pay for the bride, even if it’s abroad? How can I cut costs and still make it nice for her?

Rant over - I don’t know whether I’m being totally unreasonable and need to just suck it up. And I’ll end it by saying I love her to bits!

Sorry perhaps my first post wasn’t too clear - £600 for Europe for 4 days (fully aware Dubai would be horrendously more, which is why I’ve tried to find alternatives).

£600 was around the figure I spent about 4 years ago in Spain for a few days with friends, sharing a villa etc. That’s kind of what I based it on but maybe I’ve got it all wrong

@backinthebox thanks for that! I definitely think that we shouldn’t be booking anything overseas for a while yet. But I get told I’m negative if I say that

Thanks all for your honesty. I think I just need to get a back bone...!

With cost you obviously need to factor in flights and hotel as well as your entertainment abs food every day

Hen do stuff is so stressful! Firstly, £600 is way too much if you consider people are gonna have to take spending money on top and get them a wedding gift (also visas too cos of Brexit maybe?). It'll be stressful and loads just won't go which will probably cause drama. I'd realistically talk to your friend and say abroad isnt going to be possible as people are reluctant to commit with everything going on, and you can arrange something in the UK (maybe just get an idea of places and provisionally book once you've collected a deposit from people cos they always drop out, speaking from experience!). Then maybe convince her husband to be to take her on a surprise trip to Dubai before the wedding so it's his problem 😂
Is there anyone else in the wedding party that can help? You shouldn't have to stress about this alone.

I'd give her the option of a smaller hen in Dubai with her nearest and dearest with a home hen maybe, or just a UK hen with everyone she wants there. If people are saving for houses, there's a chance people might also be pregnant by the time it all rolls around too

@Gson

Sorry perhaps my first post wasn’t too clear - £600 for Europe for 4 days (fully aware Dubai would be horrendously more, which is why I’ve tried to find alternatives).

£600 was around the figure I spent about 4 years ago in Spain for a few days with friends, sharing a villa etc. That’s kind of what I based it on but maybe I’ve got it all wrong

@backinthebox thanks for that! I definitely think that we shouldn’t be booking anything overseas for a while yet. But I get told I’m negative if I say that

Thanks all for your honesty. I think I just need to get a back bone...!

And you need to wake up, 'Suzie' isn't a friend, she's a bratty, entitled, immature, self-centred Bridezilla. You are all just there as props to show off and then discarded. Back away now or you'll end up spending all your savings to serve her own interests, she doesn't give a fuck about any of you.

With a friend like this you dont need enemies!

I have been in a similar situation. Delighted to be asked to be MOH, then having to treat the role almost as a second full time job for a year and a half. Organising is not my strong point, I am great at attending parties and getting everyone involved but actually organising rather than going with the flow isn’t my kind of thing. I had to organise a U.K. hen, an abroad hen, something just before the wedding (which was also abroad). I had to deal with mother of the bride and mother in law both wanting to help organise but neither wanting the other to also be involved. People not paying. Worrying if it was going to be good enough, if I’d forgotten something. I was losing sleep and not worth it. I pulled it off in the end and it was fine but let me tell you at the party after the wedding ceremony I was so releaved! And had a few extra drinks to celebrate lol.
You are going to have to tell her that a lot of people have expressed their concerns over cost. You don’t have to tell her who in particular and also shouldn’t have to try justify it. If I’d too expensive it’s too expensive. Not only that but it’s probably longer for people to have to take off work aswell.
If you have the time, try get a few destinations in Europe and total costs together then take options to her. She will see you’ve been putting in the work to make it something good.
Please don’t stress to much over this, contrary to what some people say and think this is not your ‘duty’ and whilst it is her big day and it’s resllt important to her, it isn’t yours so not worth months of agro.

Also you’re looking at at least 1K for Dubai- probably a lot more and that doesn’t include spends when there etc.
Europe destinations probably cheaper, but still an added expense. For a lot of people it would be their only holiday of the year, thus giving up time with family etc. God she sounds bloody selfish and anbit our of touch.

All that time and money to fuss round someone. It's not even like a proper holiday 😒
So self indulgent

What ever happened to a meal in your local Italian?! Hen-holidays are way over the top.

Holidays abroad are expensive and unreasonable at the best of times, and there’s been loads of threads on mn where things have gone wrong. Ie.when someone drops out without paying (and who makes up the shortfall).

Definantly, contact everyone asking for budgets, and ideas. Maybe even give them options a) meal, b) weekend in UK, c) weekend in Europe Etc

Sounds like she going to be a bridezilla, and her mum a mum-Zilla.

No, people won't 'have to find a way to afford it'. They will decline.

Quite aside from the cost (and she and her family sound a bunch of entitled selfish snobs on that score!) which is I'm sure going to be more than £600! (That's closet to the cost of a cheap Uk seaside weekend! How long is it since you went on holiday op?) there's no guarantee people will be ABLE to travel next year for an unnecessary trip. People might have to quarantine for 2 weeks at each end meaning a potential 5 weeks off work/time spent on a hen do?! That's utterly bonkers!

When I married there was NONE of this going overseas or even going away for a hen do nonsense! You went out for a meal and a laugh and maybe a bit of a pub crawl after.

I really don't understand the expectations of brides and grooms to drag people they're supposed to care about on unnecessary, expensive and unwanted bloody holidays! Making them spend money and annual leave and possibly money on child care.

It's so so selfish!

Hen and stag nights used to be just that - one night! To say goodbye to single life and celebrate going into married life.

Personally in your position I'd be having a discussion with her pointing out that several of her hen people are or are likely to be on really tight budgets and unable to afford such a ludicrous extravagance at this time. And frankly if she can't stomach that I wouldn't think much of her and be fine with letting go of such a person as a friend.

I've been the "poor relation" as far as these things go for many years. My friends that have married and had other celebrations in this time have been very understanding and have given me options I can manage and if I've been really skint have been completely understanding of my not being able to participate

That's what GOOD friends do.

They don't expect people worse off than them to pay for their desires

They don't take the hump if you're unable to participate

They find ways if they can to allow you to participate in a way you can manage/afford.

That's what decent non entitled people do!

As for Dubai, I can't imagine being friends with someone who would WANT to go to such a place given the human rights issues there, not to mention it's hardly the best option for a wild hen do!

What's wrong with the days of a bar crawl dressed in sashes etc or a good ole garden party with games

Exactly!

DO NOT pay for anything without people paying you in advance-or you will be left with the shortfall when they undoubtedly drop out

Absolutely

The thing is I CAN afford to go as I have a pot of savings and she knows this.

Why on EARTH does she know this? NOBODY knows the details of my finances it's none of their business!

Sounds to me like you're enmeshed with this person, are you related?

Don't tell people EXACTLY what your financial position, it's not up to her how YOUR savings are spent!

I have friends and family from all kinds of backgrounds inc very wealthy and they wouldn't dream of placing such expectations on their friends and family they understand and appreciate that not everyone is as well off as they are.

I've just done a quick google and flights alone in July, economy return - £450-£550 per person.

@backinthebox I've 2 friends work in the travel industry and they are like you saying it's still far too risky to plan anything overseas. Insurers aren't playing fair (article in the current issue of which? On this and I think Martin Lewis and mse site are saying similar). One is a rep supervisor type person (not exactly sure of job title, normally in the off season she's here in Uk recruiting and training reps, then in holiday season she's overseas and is the reps point of call for particularly tricky issues/customers she's been doing it years. She also liaises with the hotels, sets up the excursion deals etc) she's furloughed at the moment. The other is a self employed specialist travel agent and she's basically had no income for a year! Luckily her dh earning well enough to cover them, just, but it's been tough! And they're not envisaging any let up any time this year really and thinking it'll be hit and miss even next year.

I'm thinking Dubai at that time is more likely to cost around £2k each - without paying for the bride! Because it's not just flights and accommodation it's all the "little" extras too - food, drink, travel to and from the airports, any entertainments costs while there (i can well see this bridezilla fully expecting to do things like massages, theatre shows, shopping, manicures etc), travel insurance, then there's potential covid costs...

Absolute insanity!

Check your figures op.

Quite aside from the cost (and she and her family sound a bunch of entitled selfish snobs on that score!) which is I'm sure going to be more than £600! (That's closet to the cost of a cheap Uk seaside weekend! How long is it since you went on holiday op?) there's no guarantee people will be ABLE to travel next year for an unnecessary trip. People might have to quarantine for 2 weeks at each end meaning a potential 5 weeks off work/time spent on a hen do?! That's utterly bonkers!

When I married there was NONE of this going overseas or even going away for a hen do nonsense! You went out for a meal and a laugh and maybe a bit of a pub crawl after.

I really don't understand the expectations of brides and grooms to drag people they're supposed to care about on unnecessary, expensive and unwanted bloody holidays! Making them spend money and annual leave and possibly money on child care.

It's so so selfish!

Hen and stag nights used to be just that - one night! To say goodbye to single life and celebrate going into married life.

Personally in your position I'd be having a discussion with her pointing out that several of her hen people are or are likely to be on really tight budgets and unable to afford such a ludicrous extravagance at this time. And frankly if she can't stomach that I wouldn't think much of her and be fine with letting go of such a person as a friend.

I've been the "poor relation" as far as these things go for many years. My friends that have married and had other celebrations in this time have been very understanding and have given me options I can manage and if I've been really skint have been completely understanding of my not being able to participate

That's what GOOD friends do.

They don't expect people worse off than them to pay for their desires

They don't take the hump if you're unable to participate

They find ways if they can to allow you to participate in a way you can manage/afford.

That's what decent non entitled people do!

As for Dubai, I can't imagine being friends with someone who would WANT to go to such a place given the human rights issues there, not to mention it's hardly the best option for a wild hen do!

What's wrong with the days of a bar crawl dressed in sashes etc or a good ole garden party with games

Exactly!

DO NOT pay for anything without people paying you in advance-or you will be left with the shortfall when they undoubtedly drop out

Absolutely

The thing is I CAN afford to go as I have a pot of savings and she knows this.

Why on EARTH does she know this? NOBODY knows the details of my finances it's none of their business!

Sounds to me like you're enmeshed with this person, are you related?

Don't tell people EXACTLY what your financial position, it's not up to her how YOUR savings are spent!

I have friends and family from all kinds of backgrounds inc very wealthy and they wouldn't dream of placing such expectations on their friends and family they understand and appreciate that not everyone is as well off as they are.

I've just done a quick google and flights alone in July, economy return - £450-£550 per person.

@backinthebox I've 2 friends work in the travel industry and they are like you saying it's still far too risky to plan anything overseas. Insurers aren't playing fair (article in the current issue of which? On this and I think Martin Lewis and mse site are saying similar). One is a rep supervisor type person (not exactly sure of job title, normally in the off season she's here in Uk recruiting and training reps, then in holiday season she's overseas and is the reps point of call for particularly tricky issues/customers she's been doing it years. She also liaises with the hotels, sets up the excursion deals etc) she's furloughed at the moment. The other is a self employed specialist travel agent and she's basically had no income for a year! Luckily her dh earning well enough to cover them, just, but it's been tough! And they're not envisaging any let up any time this year really and thinking it'll be hit and miss even next year.

I'm thinking Dubai at that time is more likely to cost around £2k each - without paying for the bride! Because it's not just flights and accommodation it's all the "little" extras too - food, drink, travel to and from the airports, any entertainments costs while there (i can well see this bridezilla fully expecting to do things like massages, theatre shows, shopping, manicures etc), travel insurance, then there's potential covid costs...

Absolute insanity!

Check your figures op.

Apologies for double post mn clearly still having a few tech issues

All true, worth saying twice

@cerealgamechanger

And, I can almost guarantee she'll drop you as a friend once she's married. Don't invest any further in this. This is the Suzie show and you're just the pawn that'll get trampled all over once you're no longer useful.

Exactly what I was thinking!

@cerealgamechanger

And, I can almost guarantee she'll drop you as a friend once she's married. Don't invest any further in this. This is the Suzie show and you're just the pawn that'll get trampled all over once you're no longer useful.

This with bells on 🌺

And yy, she'll dump you once you've done your part to fawn all over her. Don't be taken for a fool. Pull out now. 'Sorry but it's not really feasible for me to be in your wedding party. Not really in a place where I can carry out that function. You'll need to find someone else.' She'll dump you like a hot brick then and there, but make out how hard done by she is. Who cares? She's not a nice person.

Thanks all for your replies.

I guess I need to take another look at costs - £600 was based on flights and accommodation in Europe, not accounting for spending money and definitely not an exact figure (should have made that clear). It was based on a really quick google a few weeks back.

I do go away a few times a year, but normally to see friends that live abroad or stay at my mums house in France. I haven’t had to do the whole villa/hotel and flights thing in a while so I’m a bit out of touch probably. £500 for flights though 😱 I have always managed to get easyJet flights for £150 max in Europe (and as low as £20...I think I am just lucky and have always been prepared to fly at weird times haha), I think they’re probably going to be hiking up the costs next year?

Also - of course she doesn’t know much I have in my savings. But she does know I am actively saving for a house. She would never ask how much savings I have.

I guess all I can do the poll with the other hens, take it to her and then go from there. But one thing is for sure, we are definitely not going for a week or to Dubai!

No, you don't need to take another look because this entitled person will never be happy with anything you suggest that doesn't involve the lot of you stumping up huge sums of money to be extras in her show and she's already made that known to you, as has her CFer mum saying you all had to pay for the hen, too. WHO does this to their friends? Would you expect your friends to save up just to indulge you? Of course you wouldn't because that would be a shit thing to do as a friend. So ask yourself why you find it acceptable to take this treatment off her?

My best friend who I love dearly turned into a bit of a bridezilla but even she wouldn't have expected this!
I agree with PP that it's very unreasonable of her to expect you to dip into your house deposit savings for someone hen do!
How can she not see this!?

I have never and would never go abroad for a hen do. I did organise a hen do for sil. It was a nightmare. She wanted champagne on the london eye. Most of us including her maid of honour couldn't afford that. She asked for another activity that we just couldn't manage. Had a strop because she wasn't getting the hen do she wanted. We found it hard finding a hotel that was a decent price as one of her friends wouldn't share so we had to balance between a place that charged less for single rooms and did triple rooms.

In the end me and another bridesmaid paid for her activity on the Friday night, I paid for her nails to be done on the Saturday morning then we met the rest of the hen party. Three of us bridesmaids paid for a buffet and champagne in our room for everyone. I made hang over bags for us all, we all paid for brides activity on the afternoon plus I bought us a bottle of fizz to drink at this lovely location (not the london eye but city view) so all bride paid for all weekend was a burger and a couple of beers on the Friday and a reasonably priced pub meal on Saturday night and a couple of drinks. All drinks before the meal on Saturday night had been bought by us.

Came to check out of the hotel, those of us that stopped 2 nights had to pay £100 which for a 4* city hotel was pretty good but clearly she hadn't expected to even pay for her room and flustered and blustered to pay for it. It never occurred to any if us to pay for her room,

In all the weekend was stressful planning and I wouldn't organise one again in a hurry.

Don’t be spending hundreds/thousands of your own money on someone else’s dream. Spend it on yours.

The furthest I have travel for a Hens was a couple of counties down from where we live for 1 night. Spent about €300 all in I think on accommodation, breakfast, 3 course dinner, cocktail class, usual tat, make-up, silly t shirt, club entry, drinks etc. No flipping way would I be entertaining this bridezilla.

There is no way in hell I'd agree to take on the task of organising her hen, be it abroad or at home. She sounds like a self entitled nightmare. Find a way to tell her that you are unable to organise it. If you go ahead with it your stress levels will be through the roof in no time, while she continues to dictate what she wants. As for her mother, you can see where the bride gets her self entitled attitude. Back away now!