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Original poster

Friends hen party abroad

84 replies

Gson · 20/02/2021 11:09

Hi all,

My friend is due to get married end of next year and want her hen party abroad (my guess, around June time).

I am going to be maid of honour - let me start by saying I’m not really a marriage person and generally I think the whole extravagance of it is really OTT. Friend is the opposite, wants a big white wedding etc - absolutely fine! It’s her and her husbands to be day and it needs to be what they want.

Anyway, as I’m maid of honour I’m already feeling a lot of pressure. Hen party needs to be abroad, 20+ people are to be invited. She has expressed a wish to go to Dubai originally (which is insanely expensive!). I have got a few locations in mind in Europe, the whole thing will end up costing everyone probably £600+ plus with flights, accommodation, meals out and food still. She won’t be happy with something cheap, it’ll have to be a nice villa, nice restaurants etc.

I am (like most of her friends) saving to buy a house atm. She had her house paid for her by her parents. She is with a wealthy, older man and they really have no problems at all. She also has friends that are barely in work at the moment, are on low wages etc.

When I spoke to her mum about budgets for the hen, I said I wouldn’t be looking to go anywhere too pricey so as many people can come as possible. Her mum basically said ‘just go where Susie wants - people will have to find a way to afford it’.

Her mum also alluded to us paying for her trip - splitting the cost between all of us. I nearly lost it!

The whole thing has just really stressed me out and made me quite cross. Obviously, friends getting married is really exciting but why do we have to be SO out of pocket for their choices.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do you pay for the bride, even if it’s abroad? How can I cut costs and still make it nice for her?

Rant over - I don’t know whether I’m being totally unreasonable and need to just suck it up. And I’ll end it by saying I love her to bits!

OP posts:
moanieleminx · 22/02/2021 13:42

No way on earth I would give up a weeks holiday plus minimum £600 for a hen do. Bloody hell. I work hard for my holiday and salary and I get to depict it where it is spend.

I know it was 20 years ago but I went out for a meal and then we went to bars and a nightclub. It was fab.

DavidsSchitt · 22/02/2021 13:45

"I rent a 1 bed flat and no car yet"

"The thing is I CAN afford to go"

You can't afford it. So stop saying that you can.

truetuesdays · 22/02/2021 13:45

I would never ever go if it was going to be a week long or overly expensive. Sorry but I would rather use the money/holiday on myself and my husband.

If she doesn't understand that as a friend then she isn't a very good one.

You need to have an honest conversation with her about expectations

Cavagirl · 22/02/2021 13:46

@Gson

The thing is I CAN afford to go as I have a pot of savings and she knows this. But I don’t really want to be spending that much going away on a hen - as I said previously, she really doesn’t have to save for anything. She drives a Range Rover, owns a 5 bedroom house etc.

I rent a 1 bed flat and no car yet. I just have better things to spend my money on, like topping up my savings to buy my first property but she won’t see it like that.

IF I ever get married as well, I wouldn’t expect a penny spent on me by anyone else. I may not even have bridesmaids or a hen party. So although you don’t give to receive, it’s not like she’s going to end up doing this for me one day (does that sound bad? Sad).

Also OP don't get guilted into justifying why you don't want to spend your savings on her hen do. I can't because xyz will anyways result in her giving an argument back why that's not a valid reason. It's already clear from your posts you feel very obligated to her and guilty at the prospect of saying no. But you really need to put your foot down. "I can't afford it" and that's it.
soberfabulous · 22/02/2021 13:50

Set up a survey on survey monkey and email it to everyone. They can fill in anonymously and you'll get a true picture of what people want to do!

I'm totally with you OP. I'm married but ran away to Vegas and did it quietly with just my husband. No engagement party, no hen do. No expensive wedding for people to attend and buy gifts at....

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/02/2021 13:55

You can’t afford to go OP- afford to go to me means surplus money you would spend on such a trip and not
Overly notice.
Also need flash, when you get married such people rarely return to the favour as they will likely be pregnant, have kids etc. They don’t remember what everyone did for them.
Thing is if you can’t afford a wk and the other can (post poll) I would say you can’t go and bow out of organising it

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 22/02/2021 13:56

Just as another point, there is a good chance that she or others in your friendship group will start families in the next few years. These are the first ones to say ‘oh no, can’t come to yours now that baby is here’

truetuesdays · 22/02/2021 13:57

Also there is NO way you are dipping into your savings!!!! You don't keep savings to go on hen dos to Dubai.

ursuslemonade · 22/02/2021 13:57

Please don't waste your savings for this.
Her mother sounds equally appaling.
Fuck Susie!

MissBPotter · 22/02/2021 14:04

I agree you can’t afford to go as your savings are earmarked for your house and car. I would honestly just tell her upfront that you can’t afford it and do the anonymous poll which will almost certainly show that no one else can either. My friend’s DH had his stag in dubai and only one person went along! So stupid of him. This was two men in their forties, already had houses and cars and neither with kids. Also I agree I would only go for two nights max as it is too long to be away from my kids otherwise and I wouldn’t really want to be in company of people I don’t know that well for much longer. She sounds like a spoilt brat tbh! If she wants to go to Dubai she should just go, not enforce it on her friends and expect them to pay!

Tiltiletile1 · 22/02/2021 14:06

I think Covid gives you the perfect excuse to dodge this. I would tell her it is a really bad idea to book anything abroad in case it can’t happen and find a place in the U.K. instead.

I also liked a PP’s idea of setting up a survey and when people inevitably say they can’t afford it, use that as backup.

She and her mum can go on their own Dubai pre-wedding trip! If she pouts, suggest that to her. She and her mother sound like absolute nightmares. I feel for you having to be involved!

GreenClock · 22/02/2021 14:10

The obvious solution is a group message asking the participants what they will be able/willing to do and what their budget is. The majority will not be inclined to take a week’s leave/pay £600. Then, you go back to the bride with a more sensible plan.

If you don’t stand up for yourself you’ll end up in Dubai with Susie and her mum and a couple of randoms, and you’ll return to your little flat and a depleted savings pot feeling a bit resentful.

rawalpindithelabrador · 22/02/2021 14:11

This is like trying to teach a dog to read: impossible. She will not change. She's entitled, spoilt and immature. I'd pull out of being maid of honour now. It's over a year away and she's Bridezilla. Just fuck that. Tell her you have some commitments coming up and can't commit to this anymore and then start pulling back if you're not able to tell her the truth.

Anyone who feels entitled to other peoples' money isn't worth having as a friend.

Ragwort · 22/02/2021 14:12

It's madness to say ' I can afford it' just because you have savings in the bank - it absolutely doesn't mean you should spend them on someone's hen party Shock.

I have paid off my mortgage, have my own car and substantial savings but I still wouldn't dream of going on a hen party for a few days especially not to Dubai ... why are people so frightened of just being honest, esp. in Covid times it would be madness to plan anything like that. You can hardly be such great friends if your expectations are so far apart ... just tell her it's totally unrealistic - if she throws a strop politely step down as being MOH.

Bananalanacake · 22/02/2021 14:14

What is wrong with Pizza Express and a few pubs, or is that beyond the pale.

DavidsSchitt · 22/02/2021 14:15

Before you do the survey lose this imaginary £600 figure you've plucked out of thin air.

You are not going to Dubai for a long weekend in a nice villa and going for nice meals etc in 2022 for £600. No chance.

If you put that figure in matched to that trip then you'll get people saying yes, they'll go. Then when it emerges that the cost will be more than that people will pull out and you'll have a bigger nightmare on your hands.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/02/2021 14:19

I wouldn’t blame covid- it restrictions lift then you have to have another conversation- she’ll prob check you all take up the vaccine too

ElderMillennial · 22/02/2021 14:20

A friend of mine was due to go on a friend's hen do in Dubai last summer. They were due to book it just before covid hit and it was going to cost around £1000 each. She was in two minds about going due to the cost and also it was a group of friends she didn't know well. I remember her saying she wouldn't be paying for the hen's costs to go to Dubai. You could pay for drinks for her on one night out or in her case she was wanting a Uk hen do as well (overnight possibly? I can't remember) and my friend thought that they'd maybe split her costs of the overnight or UK break but not a trip to Dubai.

The wedding was postponed to later this year. I'm not sure what they are doing about a hen do now.

I would be reluctant to book anything right now anyway in terms of overseas breaks.

cerealgamechanger · 22/02/2021 14:24

Her and her mum sound like entitled Cfs. There's no way I'd stress myself out with this shit. Expect more bullshit along the way if this is how she's being at this stage. And, no, I wouldn't pay for her plane ticket or accommodation.

TheyIsMyFamily · 22/02/2021 14:24

@Gson

The thing is I CAN afford to go as I have a pot of savings and she knows this. But I don’t really want to be spending that much going away on a hen - as I said previously, she really doesn’t have to save for anything. She drives a Range Rover, owns a 5 bedroom house etc.

I rent a 1 bed flat and no car yet. I just have better things to spend my money on, like topping up my savings to buy my first property but she won’t see it like that.

IF I ever get married as well, I wouldn’t expect a penny spent on me by anyone else. I may not even have bridesmaids or a hen party. So although you don’t give to receive, it’s not like she’s going to end up doing this for me one day (does that sound bad? Sad).

You actually can't afford to go; your savings is earmarked for other things, not your friend's jolly that she wants you to pay for.

I would just decline to organise or attend an international jaunt, tbh. She doesn't sound like much of a friend to be so incredibly tone deaf to the realities of life that most of her friends are facing

backinthebox · 22/02/2021 14:25

Firstly, I can't stand Bridezillas. She's on another planet if she thinks 20+ women are going to use up time, money and holidays to spend a week in Dubai with her because she's getting married and she wants it.

Secondly, Covid means nowhere is certain for any sort of overseas travel atm. I work in the travel industry, and would not make any long term commitment to any travel plans (although I am happy to travel at short notice to wherever will have me and had 2 marvellous holidays in 2020 as a result of that.) Dubai is currently on the UK's Red List for travel, meaning you have to quarantine in an approved hotel at a cost of £1750 on return to the UK. Dubai also requires a negative Covid test, which will knock the first £100 of your budget off.

Thirdly, how on earth have you managed to work out a £600 budget for any sort of trip abroad? Even a 2-3 days round Europe one? As I said, I work in the travel industry, and organise a trip for friends each year to Europe, and as a general rule it comes in at roughly £100 return for flights, minimum £40 per person per night accommodation if we share bedrooms in an AirBnB but up to £80-100 per person if we stay in a hotel, £40 each round trip airport taxis, airport parking or lifts to the airport, etc, and that's before you start to pay for food and drink. A general rule I apply for meals (even when self catering, as everyone gets extravagant because they are on holiday!) is £60 a day, and drinks will be on top of that. Really scraping it down to minimum costs, it'll cost you £500 + drinks + any Covid requirements for 2 nights in Europe. If Susie insists on 5 nights in Dubai, she and all the party won't be getting change from £1500 a person.

Finally - Dubai? Assuming your friend is self-centred enough to think her 20 closest mates won't mind collectively throwing together somewhere in the region of £30000 for her send-off, she probably doesn't give a stuff about the appalling human rights issues in the holiday industry in Dubai either.

She needs someone to tell her this, but if you want to stay her friend, if I were you I'd make sure it is someone else.

Scbchl · 22/02/2021 14:25

You are being massively optimistic if you think 4/5 days abroad will be 600. On the hens iv been to which are always go Friday, home Monday its been about 300ish for flight and hotel. Then if spent at least 500. Then you buy stuff before you go on new clothes, fake tan etc it ends up costing over 1k. I'd only go away again for my sister now (and obviously my daughters but they might not want me there by then).

custardbear · 22/02/2021 14:26

July is an insane time to go to Dubai - use that as a. Excuse. A colleague on if mine went a few years ago and said they couldn't even be in the pool because it was too hot, so in the day everyone was inside

I'd ask everyone to send you their idea of budgets they have, get a spreadsheet and anonymise it, the share with bridezilla and tell her perhaps she can sell her Range Rover to fund everyone's trip

She sounds like an arsehole - sorry, but clearly with a mum like she seems to have, she's a chip off the old block

cerealgamechanger · 22/02/2021 14:27

Ps. There is no way Dubai in June will cost £600. Double that figure and you're talking.

cerealgamechanger · 22/02/2021 14:29

And, I can almost guarantee she'll drop you as a friend once she's married. Don't invest any further in this. This is the Suzie show and you're just the pawn that'll get trampled all over once you're no longer useful.