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Original poster

Feeling confused and sad

88 replies

Missanna1989 · 19/07/2018 01:19

I was invited to an old friend's wedding and at first I was excited to go. We don't see each other vwry often and as you get older you move on with your lives and work and seeing each othwr becomes more difficult and she moved away but we always remained friends.
She text me to tell me her boyfriend had popped the question and she was getting married I was happy for her and like I said was excited to attend the wedding.
However we are now nesrly 2 months away from the wedding and I haven't seen her in over a year face to face.
We barely text or talk anymore unless I text first.
And then her wedding is very expensive
Travel costs for petrol will be 50 to 60 pound plus hour plus travel time for me and my partner
The hotel room for one night and a small contentail breakfast is 70 deposit.....
My partner will need a new suit that will cost a fair amount but at least 150 min
And i also dont own anything posh as such so that's another 80 plus for me to buy a dress so we dont look out of place.
Drinks are not included so for me and my partner for the whole day as we are due to arrive at 11am to check in and I assume pay for the other part of the hotel room bill will also have to fork our for drinks at a bar which won't be cheap.
Racking up to well over 300 pounds for her wedding day. Which we csnnot afford. So when she asked if we were coming I explained how expenisve it all was and unfortunately on our budget and with the hoise and bills and other responsibilities we unfortunately wouldn't be able to afford to come
Not to mention. We also have to buy a gift as well....
I said I would send a gift in the post and In happy for her and I hope she has a wonderful day.

She hit the roof and told me.my priorities are off becusee I cannot afford to attend her wedding
I again explained that we couldnt afford to spend that amount of money on items that we were gona use for one day like suits and dresses and petrol and stuff when we already in a limited budget and that I understand why shes upset that o cant come but it can't be helped. And i got a little bit cross and said that my priority is to my family and not going into debt to attend a party.

She didnt reply and blocked me on social media and my phone so im assuming we aren't friends anymore

Im.feelinf really down in the dumps about it all. I wanted to go but I literslly csnnot afford it I have bills and kids and a house. Me and my partner are moving house and we trying to save as estate agents cost money etc. Also we have plans to start our own fsmily and have started trying to conceive a baby which again costs alot of money and that 300 plus pounds would go on a new crib etc for the baby rather than one day.

Im.feeling very guilty for saying i csnt go. And it's unfair of her to make me put my life and my family's life on hold so she can have me sat in a seat on her day.
Am I being unreasonable
Becsuee I dont think I am
I didn't want it to go down like this and im feeling sad that I've lost a friend

OP posts:
LyraLieIn · 19/07/2018 01:24

Did you get an invitation? Did you do of wait to be asked whether you were coming? I just trying to work out if it's something in the way you answered that upset her so much rather than the reasonable decline to her invitation. (aftershock, an invitation is not a summons!)

LyraLieIn · 19/07/2018 01:25

I meant to say did you rsvp or wait to be asked for your response

Original poster
Missanna1989 · 19/07/2018 01:28

I never received a formal invite I got a save the date card but that was a waste of money cause 2 months down the line they changed the date.
She then asked me if i was coming today via text.
I then explained I couldn't afford it
But i was polite I said o hope she has a wonderful day and that im happy for her which i am
And she hit the roof

OP posts:
callywags · 19/07/2018 01:37

Hi OP,

Sorry you are feeling down about this.
At the end of the day, you are doing the best for your family, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it.
Some brides can only think of their view/feelings when planning their weddings and get so stressed they can be unreasonable.
Are you missing much of a friendship if she hasn't spoken or made an effort with you for a year?
Hope you feel better soon, all you can do is what your circumstances allow x

Original poster
Missanna1989 · 19/07/2018 01:59

I know planning a wedding cam be stressful but she didn't seem to understand or even attempt to understand why I couldn't attend and chalked it up to my priorities not being in line with hers. Which of course they aren't. I have my own fsmily to think about and it's alot of money again to spend on one day.
And i jist can't condone spending it
My partner even said he would be annoyed if we spent that much money on her.
And he said that shes shown her true colours and shes only thinking about herself.
I just feel bad cause i did really want to go but csnt and im annoyed shes mafe me feel guilty about putting myself first which is literally what a shes done put herself first and then got cross when I didn't go along with it
I dunno
Im also gob smacked at how she handled it. Just blocked and deleted completely like we wete never friends in the first place
Guess he's right

OP posts:
Cliveybaby · 19/07/2018 08:05

I think you're both a but unreasonable sorry...
you don't NEED brand new clothes, if you really haven't got anything try charity shops and ebay.
Is there not a cheaper hotel nearby?
But she was rude too...

Slanetylor · 19/07/2018 08:11

Well it’s not news that a wedding is expensive so you shouldn’t have said you were going and then backed out. The wedding dorsnt seem that expensive. You don’t need new clothes, you don’t need to drink much, you don’t need to bring your husband, it’s an hour away which is short, you don’t need to stay. I’ve turned down lots of weddings I couldn’t afford. I do regret it now but I do understand. But if she’s a good friend, I’d try and go. I don’t think you’ve handled it well.

Elmo230885 · 19/07/2018 08:17

You are both being unreasonable
She has acted like an immature teenager having a strop when you said you weren't going
You have blown the cost out of all proportion. Drive, don't drink and drive home after the reception. You don't need an £80 new dress, your partner doesn't need £150 spending on a new suit

bubbles108 · 19/07/2018 08:21

Weddings always cost a lot to attend

Why were you so excited ? You must have realised that it would be pretty expensive

I think you should have said no from the outset, not waited until the penny dropped about the cost (rather slowly it seems to me)

Slartybartfast · 19/07/2018 08:27

well of course she is thinking of herself Hmm it is Her wedding day.
how would you expect her to think of you?
a suit doesnt have to cost £150
an outfit doesnt have to cost £80.

senua · 19/07/2018 08:35

You have told your friend that you don't want to attend her actual wedding because you want to save the money for a hypothetical baby. That seems a little unreasonable.
You need to learn how to do things more cheaply: you don't need brand new clothes, you don't need to stay overnight. But you do need to change your car! - your estimated cost of petrol seems huge for a three-hour round trip.

MonkeysMummy17 · 19/07/2018 08:35

It's possible that you're one of a few that has cancelled and she's taken her upset of the rest out on you.
I think you might both be being a bit unreasonable, she shouldn't have hit the roof but equally you said you'd attend and the reasons you've given don't actually need to be that expensive (as pp have said you don't need to stay, you could drive back in the evening if its not that far away, also means you have a reason not to buy alcoholic drinks. You could also find an outfit on ebay, Facebook, in the sales etc and 150 on a suit is ridiculous)

Sarahlou63 · 19/07/2018 08:44
  • If it's only an hour away your petrol can't possibly cost £50-60
  • You don't need to stay overnight
  • You don't need to drink much as one of you will be driving
  • You can borrow, rent or make do with whatever clothes you already own

YABU.

pistolknight · 19/07/2018 08:45

Not sure how it will cost 50/60 pounds for an hours travel. Dresses can be bought in sale or charity shop eBay, same with suit, seems like your making excuses not to go

Charley50 · 19/07/2018 08:49

You seem to have made the whole thing about money. As others have said, you could have done it much more cheaply, so it seems like an excuse.
Oh well at least you won't have to fork out for a present now.

SillySallySingsSongs · 19/07/2018 08:56

Of course it's about her, it's her wedding.

Attending as a guest costs as little or as much as you want it to. You don't need to spend £80 on a dress and suits can be got for a lot less than £150.

It also not unusual for you have to pay for your own drinks for at least a part of the day. I have only ever been to one wedding where this wasn't the case.

EyeDrops · 19/07/2018 09:08

I agree with some PPs, you're making it waaay more expensive than it needs to be. You can drive an hour there & back (leave the evening do earlier if you need to), don't have to drink much or stuck to soft drinks (presuming wine/bubbly will be given with the meal anyway?), if you really have nothing appropriate to wear you can look in a charity shop or a cheaper high street store, and a reasonably priced suit from M&S or second hand.
If you really wanted to go, it's very possible. If you don't want to because you're not that close, fair enough, but money isn't really an excuse in this case.

Thebluedog · 19/07/2018 09:14

I think sibu op. Her reaction is totally out of proportion. Maybe she’s had a number of people drop out and she’s stressed about it all.

But there would be ways round it. Drive to and from the wedding and don’t stay over. It won’t cost you that much in petrol and you save yourself the cost of a room. You don’t have to drink lots and one of you will be driving anyway. Regarding clothes etc, eBay is your friend. I’ve just picked up a dress and shoes off there for a wedding and it’s cost me just over £20. Your dh could do the same for a suit. A wedding gift doesn’t have to be expensive either, some thought and a hand made gift would be fine.

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2018 09:18

To be honest, I've no idea why your partner needs to buy an expensive suit at 150 quid, or you a dress at 80, you can get or hire much cheaper. And why will your petrol cost so much for an hour or so drive.

It does seem you've hugely bumped up the costs to justify not going. If you can't afford the hotel you could drive back or find a local b&b.

I can see why she's annoyed, i am not buying it either.

woodhill · 19/07/2018 09:19

Yes could you not stay over and buy cheaper outfits as suggested by others?

woodhill · 19/07/2018 09:19

Leave early and attend reception

Condragulations · 19/07/2018 09:28

Tbh you haven’t seen her in over a year, whether consciously or subconsciously you don’t actually want to go. I’m sure you did when she first got engaged and you were closer but now I think you know that if you make the effort to be at the wedding it’s unlikely that you’ll see her again anytime soon, maybe ever.

All the money stuff is just you looking for an excuse not to go. If it was your best friend you would find a way to make it possible.

Thing is you really don’t need to justify yourself here. Your friendship has all but fizzled out so you don’t want to make the effort to go- so don’t go and let her get on with her strop. I don’t think your friendship means that much to either one of you if you rarely text and haven’t seen each other in over a year.

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2018 09:28

Does your boyfriend let you have other friends op? Does he often criticise your friends?

He's said some horrid stuff about her showing her true colours and putting herself first there, when we all know generally if a good friend is getting married you do put them first.

And your costs are hugely over exaggerated. You knew when it was and could have saved, and you can do it much cheaper. It looks like you never intended to go.

Is that because of you or him?

nearlyfiftyjeez · 19/07/2018 09:30

My guess is that you haven’t seen this friend face to face for over a year, so you don’t consider her to be a proper friend ( which she isn’t) you are invited to make up the numbers as she hasn’t made an effort with your friendship to give you any other impression. You have realised you don’t want to spend any time or money on this wedding

nearlyfiftyjeez · 19/07/2018 09:33

Just to make up the numbers. This is not a good investment of your time or money.
This is your decision to make.
You have lost nothing.
She hadn’t invested in you, you are not going to invest in her so it is finished.
Don’t be down in the dumps, be happy you have your weekend back.
Don’t accept invites going forward without costing them first, it isn’t fair to the host