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Original poster

My children not invited to sister’s wedding

128 replies

niklew · 07/12/2017 22:40

Hi all

Sorry my first time starting a post so hoping it will be in the right place...

My sister is getting married for a second time ( December 22nd 2018- just booked it). She has a 7 year old daughter from her first marriage. I have 3 children ages 2,4 and 6. Our children are good friends.

However, she has booked a wedding for next Dec and although taking my niece , has said my children are not invited. They have chosen a very small wedding at a venue 3 hours away and adults only apart from her daughter.

I completely understand come people want a child free wedding but the problem I have is that my family will be there therefore who would watch my children?? I very rarely leave them as I’m a stay at home
Mum. So I would find it difficult anyway but have attended friends weddings where we left the evening do early. I’ve never left my children over night other than when I was in labour!

My dad said he believes my sister assumed my parents in law could have them . But my sister in law lives in Holland and comes over every Christmas with her 3 children and stays with my parents in law ( who live an hour away). There’s no room For our children too and certainly no room here and I couldn’t expect my
Parents in law to leave them at their house and they come here. They only come over for 5 days as they have to return for new year( her husband is a policeman and they have to work New Year’s Eve)

Basically I’m not sure what I’m suppose to do. I can’t levae my children with anyway but obviously wouldn’t want to
Miss her wedding. At the same time I’m really annoyed she has put me
In this situation.

Am I being unreasonable? I know my children are young but they are all really well behaved children. They always have been. The eldest two are in School and the teachers love them- hard working and polite children. My youngest is lovely- they all are. I could maybe understand the no children rule a tad more if they were bonkers ;)

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/12/2017 17:06

'No idea what your beef is, do you hate everyone?'

Erm, no, only started engaging with you because you addressed me personally. I shall refrain from here on out, seems to have hit a nerve with you. The OP asked if she were being unreasonable if she did not want to leave her children to go to the wedding, I don't think she is because I don't see the fuss over a childfree second wedding 3 days before Christmas. Hmm

AntiHop · 11/12/2017 17:07

I don't see why you can't leave the kids with your dh? Yes it's a 3 hour journey, but she's your sister.

I'm not a fan of child free weddings myself. But in your position, I would leave them with dh.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2017 17:31

TALK TO HER.

Mom said you said the kids can't come so that means DH won't be able to make it as we have no one to have the kids.

Oh thanks for the invite. Hmmm. No kids? But we haven't got anyone to have them as MIL will be full up that week.

Mom said no kids to wedding - just wondering if you know of any decent foamy accommodation nearby as I can't see how I'd get that distance alone as DH would need to stay with the kids.

ETC.

I would try and find a way to go unless you really don't like her. Could you travel with your parents? Stay over with your sister the night before so travel up with her then leave early enough to drive home?

In split on the "if she really loved me she would have made the wedding fit my needs more" concept as it is HER wedding and on that basis I would try to make it work as her sister who loves her deeply

Original poster
niklew · 11/12/2017 20:56

I can’t talk to her as she hasn’t told me yet. Both my parents have been told but not myself. My mum spoke with her yesterday and suggested the wedding be moved to maybe the week before the date they have booked. My sister got upset and said it shouldn’t be about me ( her sister) as it’s her day..
I understand that but perhaps we are different, when I get married we looked at allot of venues but chose somewhere we liked but also suited needs like accommodation for people to stay if they wanted and not to far a distance between church and reception. You can’t please everyone for weddings but we tried to make it easier for people to come.

My sister also said if me and dh can’t come then she has two friends as back -ups...

Tbh I’m starting to feel she only planned to invite me otherwise it would look bad on her. But given the situation she knows it was would be difficult for me to go therefore has two friends she wanted to go anyway.

All I know is the location is about 2.5-3 hours away, the 22nd Dec and it only holds about 13 adults. Have no idea why just adults counted or why even 13.

My parents haven’t told her I know as she can be quite difficult and dramatic and would end up arguing with them which they both try to avoid as much as possible ( my parents are divorced)

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 11/12/2017 20:59

13?! That’s a rather random number of people.

And unlucky.

OVienna · 11/12/2017 21:01

She sounds really hard work OP.

whensitmyturn · 11/12/2017 21:17

Do you think not going would ruin things between you? A friend easy to say no to but sister not so much.
Do you care if relations between you are affected or not? If not then it's easy just say no you can't make it work.
But if this has the potential to become a big 'family issue' for years to come not just with your sister but your parents too, I'd do what another poster suggested and you and family drive up there- Your dh go somewhere fun with kids while you do ceremony/meal then come home after - ( no evening do)or all stay in a travelodge/hotel etc
The kids will be happy with a day out and you attend the wedding therefore ticking dutiful sister and daughter duties!

Butterymuffin · 11/12/2017 22:01

I've read before on here about these wedding venues that can only accommodate about 12 people or fewer. How they make a good business proposition I don't know. The people booking them clearly have more money than sense.

wednesdayswench · 11/12/2017 22:32

'My sister got upset and said it shouldn’t be about me'

'My sister also said if me and dh can’t come then she has two friends as back -ups'

^ she hasn't taken you or your family into consideration and hasn't even spoken to you about it yet. It's obvious that it doesn't really matter to her whether you attend or not, quite frankly why should you disrupt your family Christmas for her wedding.

You have a choice here of how you react, either you act graciously and reasonably and politely decline or you have a bit of a strop and blame her for being selfish etc. And say you can't possibly go. Your reaction will determine who walks away with the moral high ground.

DancesWithOtters · 11/12/2017 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitteryFluff · 11/12/2017 22:49

If she’s saying she’s got back ups it’s almost like she’s planned it so you don’t go/presumed you wouldn’t go.
Rather than saying right how can I make it work for you - sort of thing?

Pluckedpencil · 12/12/2017 03:59

I wouldn't engage with your parents on it until you have the invitation. She needs to make her decisions, and then invite you. Then you can have it out with her. It will end in disaster and misunderstanding going through your parents.

Lollipop30 · 12/12/2017 04:23

I agree with pluckedpencil, don’t discuss it with your parents.

it’s actually shitty that your parents have decided to mention it to you at all. They will have put their stance on it and to include hurtful comments such as
‘My sister got upset as it shouldn’t be about me’ and that they’ve got ‘two friends who can step in’ is just shit stirring and unnecessary. It sounds like they’ trying to provoke a bad response between the two of you.

You haven’t had the invite or discussed it with your sister yet. Just wait and see what it holds.

AstridWhite · 12/12/2017 04:51

My mum spoke with her yesterday and suggested the wedding be moved to maybe the week before the date they have booked. My sister got upset and said it shouldn’t be about me ( her sister) as it’s her day.

Well she's right, it shouldn't be about you. But I'll bet you are not the only person who is going to feel hugely inconvenienced when they get their invitation. It's a really tricky date to pick and as such she should have kept it closer to home. Anyone who chooses a far-flung venue necessitating at least one overnight stay and chooses a really inconvenient date, then adds problematic stipulations like no children is going to have to accept that some people won't come because there are too many obstacles in their way.

Although I don't think it would be any less convenient, even if you could take your children. A hotel room for 5 would be a pain and your children are too young to be in alone in a different room, plus two rooms are expensive. The journey is the same either way, (it will be so busy that Friday night/Saturday morning right on top of Christmas, the world and his wife will be on the motorway) but even worse with small children in the car.

Presumably you've let your mum (and therefore your sister) know that you cannot use the PILs for childcare that weekend. So your sister will have to accept that you either don't go, or you go alone.

If it were me, I'd go alone and not make a big deal out of it. Jump in the car with your mum and dad if that's less stressful than driving by yourself, and leave DH to hold the fort for 48 hours.

If you are thinking of all sorts of reasons why that won't be practical or possible then you are probably letting your anxiety get the better of you and making it all seem like much harder work than it really needs to be.

It's annoying but not worth falling out with your sister over, especially at Christmas.

Chocolate254 · 12/12/2017 07:03

I wouldnt go, I also think the fact that she is asking your parents for advice shows that shes aware it might not work out for you to be able to come.

HappyHedgehog247 · 12/12/2017 07:12

Normally I'm in line with the majority but I seem to think differently here. It's one day, with a year's notice and it's her wedding. If it's really small then 3 extra children adds a lot. I don't think you should be creating drama about her wedding. Go by yourself or get a babysitter.

Chocolate254 · 12/12/2017 07:16

Sorry just read your last post, Wow she has two back up friends if you don't go. Leave her to it. Enjoy your christmas.

HotelEuphoria · 12/12/2017 07:24

I would also go and leave the children with your DP. I would go and return in one, admittedly long, day. You did your bit, she has to accept the rest.

SpareASquare · 12/12/2017 07:36

For my sister I would go on my own. I don't think it's that big of a deal really.
So much drama when there needn't be

Sleephead1 · 12/12/2017 07:44

Op could you all go together and stay in a hotel on the Sat night during the day you go to wedding and your husband takes children out for the day. Then you come back to stay at hotel all together then could all have say out together on the way home and make a bit of a trip out of it ?

Violletta · 12/12/2017 07:45

I can’t talk to her as she hasn’t told me yet. Both my parents have been told but not myself.

why not? you're an adult I assume?

thecatsthecats · 12/12/2017 09:52

I agree that the parents are shit stirring here. They want to make a fuss out of your difficulties attending. It sounds like she wants a very small wedding, so I expect that in a non-brutal way, she's not especially worried about who attends.

It's not just that your children aren't invited - hardly anyone is invited! I seriously don't understand people questioning the fact that your sister's own daughter is involved - why should she feel pushed out of her own mum's remarriage? Why should a young child necessarily feel bored in the company of close family? Are only children bored by their parents? This is a very different do to a usual wedding.

Your parents are causing trouble here. If your sister and the groom have mutually decided on something this small, then accept that, and stop taking it as a personal slight. Either you can work out attending or not.

Original poster
niklew · 12/12/2017 12:45

I’m not taking the fact my children aren’t invited as a ‘ personal slight’,as I said in my post I understand why some people chose to have no children policy. My issue is more I have no one to watch the children unless I leave dh at home, the journey is a 3 hours each way and 3 days before Xmas. I just wanted people opinion on what they would do as I obv feel stuck. I don’t know why some assume I’m taking it personally or being dramatic. In fact I’m trying to do the opposite and weigh up what to do and it’s nice to talk on here and have neutral opinions but also suggestions that I hadn’t thought of

OP posts:
Original poster
niklew · 12/12/2017 12:47

I can’t talk to her myself Violetta as she would go mad - with my parents. They only told me seeing the predicament I would be in and wanted to almost give me a heads up.

OP posts:
Pluckedpencil · 12/12/2017 18:19

But they didn't just give you a heads up. They are relaying information between you. She knows you know, and you know she knows that you know! So phone her and tell her you don't have childcare and you don't fancy the drive so near Christmas all alone and sorry if that seems selfish but it's how you feel.