Everyone is shitting on my wedding plans

[FairytaleOfSkegness]

Warning: this will potentially turn into a very long rant

Me and DP got engaged at Christmas, we decided to get married this year on the anniversary of us getting together as this year it falls on a Saturday. Getting married on that date is really important to us and the first thing we both agreed on.

Anyway we decided to get married just us at a registry office that day and then hold a "wedding" for everyone else two weeks later as DP has some important exams both before and after the marriage and we didn't want him to be stressed and not enjoy the day. In the evening we are planning to visit the restaurant we went to on our first date and then home for an early night.

Now this is where the problems start. We told our parents this part of the plan and my mum immediately invited herself. I wasn't too unhappy about this, suggested that we went for breakfast with our respective families beforehand them met up at the registry office after, got married, maybe took a few photos and had some prosecco and then everyone would leave and let me and DP get on with our planned evening together. This however isn't good enough for my mum she keeps suggesting other activities that we could do after like go for cream tea or go round a nearby castle. A) this isn't me and B) the less our families see of each other the better as I can tell they won't get on

Now getting on to our wedding celebration two weeks later. We've hired out some land with yurts on. The idea is that the immediate wedding party can all share the large yurt should they wish and we will have a smaller one. Guestlist is confined to closee friends and family yet is nearing 70 which is stressing me out as I didn't want a huge wedding! It's a bit middle of nowhere (about an hour from where the majority of guests live) but there is a campsite literally over the road and plenty of B&B's nearby. We're planning on buying a tonne of alcohol for everyone as there is no bar and hiring a fish and chip van so everyone is well fed and watered but my dad is annoyed cos it's not a proper sit down meal.

My mum is annoyed because I'm planning to wear boots (doc martens) with my wedding dress. My dad thinks none of it is fancy enough and suggested I have a third fake wedding for my grandma's to go to which would be a proper traditional do. One of my close friends has suggested that we are getting married too quickly and should put it off for a while.

I want nothing more than to marry my DP but everyone's attitudes are completely spoiling everything for me and I feel like canceling the whole thing and getting married in secret! DP is annoyingly chill about the whole thing and just says "don't worry it will all work out in the end" but I can't help just feeling sad

Sorry this turned into such a long rant. If anyone got this far then thank you!

Have your parents ever met you?

If you are a yurt and doc martins kind of person why are they expecting you to be someone else? You parents want you to be not you. Be you.

You go for it. If people don't like it they don't have to go.

Lots of people do beach weddings that aren't legally binding so do civil ceremonies before though. i thought that was quite common if you want to get married on the beach somewhere?

I think I'd prefer to go to the wedding than the celebration too. I would t complain about it but that's what I'd think. The yurt/fish and chips thing sounds ok but I wouldn't be blown away by it what if it rains. I don't really see the attraction of hanging around in a field.

Obviously if it was a lovely day and the booze was on tap it could end up being fantastic but I wouldn't know quite how it would work. Normally if you have the actual wedding at the same time it give a structure to the event IYSWIM
Like I said I wouldn't dream of saying anything though. I'm all for people doing what they want and I either happily go or politely decline.

If thats what you want go for it. But I dont understand the obsessions with planning it all around a certain date. Make another special date by moving the actual marriage to after your OHs exams. You are basing everything around this date and I think making things twice as complicated because of it.

Yurt sounds fine but as a warning I dry hired a big rural empty barn and by the time it was all set up etc for the big day I was too frazzled to actually enjoy the day properly.

The problem we have in this country (assuming you are in the UK) is that the weather is always unpredictable, and that can make wonderful informal outdoorsy events really very uncomfortable for some people. I love the outdoors and happily tramp across hills in the rain, but the problem with a wedding is that it is largely standing / sitting about being sociable, which is really tricky when you're cold and wet. Even I don't like standing in the rain with hat head shivering saying "so what happened to Uncle Michael? Is he still in Kenya?" - which would be a piece of piss in a comfortable chair in a a room in a lovely dress.

If you don't mind me saying this (and remember you can completely ignore me) - you don't really have a populist option. You have a private wedding on the day you want (but its an inappropriate day for a big celebration). And you have a separate celebration that is going to be potentially quite uncomfortable. Unless your extended family / friend group hold all their events in a field and consider this de rigeur, you haven't really found a way for Auntie Mavis to have a wonderful day celebrating you.

I think it would be a bit more guest-friendly if you had both on the same day. I think the being rained on in a field bit is even harder to take if the couple aren't even being literally legally married that day.

I would probably love your field day in practice! but it could be a bit difficult for some

Oops cross posted with a lot of people saying no to the yurt. I think it sounds really fun but maybe you're right and no one else will. Our first choice of venue was some converted barns on a farm with a little shepherds hut for us two to sleep in but as the wedding got bigger there wouldn't be enough room and they had very strict policies on not having extra people along even just during the day and not to stay over.

Just to clarify a few things we are paying for everything ourselves. My parents have offered to help but not said anything about how much they want to contribute or what particular things they want to help out with so I feel it is best to ignore as I'm sure it will come with strings anyway.

It is mainly DP pushing to get married this year despite his exams. I suggested we got married just the two of us as planned this year and kept it low key and then had a bigger humanist celebration next year but this is also apparently a silly idea (according to my mum).

I just feel like I'm bending over backwards trying to please everyone else and not pleasing myself at all.

It's a fine line between it being the bride and groom's day and not moaning if their choices mean fewer guests.

Dh and I have been invited to a wedding on a weekday. Dcs haven't. We aren't going. Think they are going to be disappointed as other family members aren't going either due to location, it being a school day, kids not invited. I'm gutted. I love weddings.

Moussemoose my parents have indeed met me but don't seem to know me iyswim? I love them but we are certainly very different people.

FairytaleOfSkegness I do indeed swym

You have done well to be you despite them. Continue to be you. I think it all sounds kind of cool.

So is the yurt to sleep in if people want?

Not somewhere for a sit & chat whilst chomping fish & chips?

The party in a field with yurts thing would put me off. I love camping but it does sound like it could be cold (wet) and a bit miserable if the weather is bad. I think elderly people and people with small children might think twice about attending. Although I do suppose that would bring your numbers down.

How about a village hall? You could still have fish and chip van and buy your own alcohol but your guests might be a bit more comfortable.

Okay general feeling seems to be the yurts are out. We could look for another venue but it's getting a bit late and close to the date.

The registry office is already booked but it's in one of those tiny rooms that don't hold a lot of people so couldn't invite all the guests we want to that instead.

Would it be crazy to further delay the humanist ceremony? Obviously we'd already be legally married but that day is equally important to me as I want my dad to be able to walk me down the aisle and it means a lot to me and DP to be able to say our own completely personalised vows to each other

cece I did think about a village hall but all the ones I looked at wanted to kick us out at midnight which seems a bit early to me. I will accept that I am a night owl though so maybe this is normal? I am positive our friends and DP's family would not be ready to go home at this time

Is there one near the yurts and you could all decamp to them at midnight to carry on (well those who want to)

How about do the register office bit this year and then have a big party next year on the anniversary weekend with your humanist vows. You could think of it as your vow renewal if that makes sense to you and your family in terms of the delay.

diddl there are two yurts. One would be for me and DP to sleep in and the other sleeps 12 which would be enough for our close friends to sleep in should they want to. There is also the option of a caravan and camping site opposite and several nearby b&bs. There's lots of outside space for partying and eating and the actual humanist wedding. I know it's not ideal if it rains but there is a pub directly over the road which was going to be my back up plan if it got too bad!

arrange it all the TELL THEM what is happening. Your wedding should be about your love for each other. You are doing enough by providing all your guests with food and drink and a nice evening out. Please dont pander to requests borne out of your parents idea of what your wedding should be about. You will always be sad you didnt have the day youd imagined yourself if you do. They got their chance to have the wedding they wanted when they got married.

Delay cancel the yurt part. Exams are stressful enough. No way should you be thinking about guest list etc if you don't have to.

Do the registry office thing if the date is more important to you than having your grandparents there. (Or try the registry office and see if they can get a bigger room). Don't hurt close relatives for an arbitrary date, though especially if she's ever done good deeds for you.

I would not sleep alongside other people in a million years unless there had been a catastrophic breakdown of society.

Though I like getting glammed up for weddings and love creature comforts, but if I wanted to attend yours I'd wear suitable footwear for a field and bring warm weatherproof clothing if necessary. Because it's your day. If it all got too much, I'd leave early to warm up in the B&B and expect you to understand why I'd bailed.

If I couldn't face it, I'd just decline and send you my best wishes and a present. Even, shock horror, cash instead.

You know your guests.

You get one day, 1.

Nope! OP can have as many days as she likes - a very personable one with DP and a celebration with her friends and relatives!

The Yurt will suit those who wish to attend - those who don't want to go won't go!

If you are having a ceremony then they could attend the humanist part and leave early

It's not a fake wedding - all weddings are fake if you put it like that the actually signing of the registry is the real legal part - and even in church you rarely witness it as they slope off with the witnesses

Oh this sort of thing does annoy me!
Your family should be happy and support you to have the wedding day that you want. End of really.
It sounds a lovely idea and if that is what suits you to have for your wedding then that is what you should do.

Enjoy

Another who thinks it's odd to not to attend the actual wedding. You are basically inviting people to eat fish and chips with you, in a tent, in a field. Which is fine if that's what you want to do, and you think your friends would like to do - anyone can do what they like for a party, absolutely. However, I hear what your Dad is saying in terms of Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, etc. - portaloos are not my favourite thing either. I obviously think it would be ridiculous to have 3 parts to your wedding on 3 days, I'm not agreeing with that part.
Totally up to you to do what you want for your wedding, obviously, but I think if you are inviting 70+ guests, most people would give some consideration to their guests too. Yup, I know people can say no thanks, but that seems a bit sad for older relatives who you are close to. Maybe you don't have such people - only you know that, but your Dad's question suggests you do.

Are you imagining people to wear nice clothes? Or would you be happy with them turning up wearing fleeces? (For your photos) just a thought. Like grinch said I too would tramp across hills in the rain but not wearing a fancy hat and a nice pair of wedges.

It's a shame you couldn't arrange to get married in Scotland- humanist weddings are legal up here so you'd get away with just having the one ceremony.

signing of the registry is the real legal part

It isn't, it is the verbal contract that is the legal part i.e. the declaratory and contracting words you say in front of your witnesses and the registrars.