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Original poster

What did you find the hardest/most stressful part of planning a wedding?

42 replies

Dnorris9 · 07/08/2015 12:42

We found our wedding planning incredibly stressful despite working in project management and finance.

It took us a long time to get over our bickering (as we didn't know where to start!) before we became a cohesive unit, realising that putting our personality into the wedding was the most important part (apart from the reason we were getting married of course!)

What did you find the toughest part and why?

OP posts:

KatyN · 07/08/2015 12:45

The gift list, by far. Felt really grabby. Neither of us wanted to out anything on it, but knew family were expecting it.

Original poster

Dnorris9 · 07/08/2015 12:49

I hated that bit too - almost seemed presumptuous that we were expecting a gift for our big day. I hate gift lists too, but they are practical to avoid 7 kettles!

OP posts:

Wolpertinger · 07/08/2015 12:51

The input of relatives who all had fixed ideas of what was going to happen and were mortally hurt when I said it wasn't.

For example:

MIL thinking they could invite more relatives than my side because I'd invited aunts so they should have aunts too. Her family is massive, mine is tiny and the aunts were representing my dad who had just died. Er no, the venue and guest list was tiny and you can't have more just because all mine have just died!

DM wanting to make a speech and numerous other things because my dad had just died. I said no, I was going to make my own speech thanks. She was upset but it was OK as on the day she was so busy crying that she couldn't have made a speech I knew this would happen and that's why I didn't want her to make a speech

DM making a big song and dance about me not wearing white because I wasn't virgin

Every man I'd invited deciding they should make a speech on behalf of my dead dad. Fuck off.

And so on.

elelfrance · 07/08/2015 13:01

Didn't find wedding planning too stressful, the one thing that was a bit awkward was doing the table plan (me & DH are from different countries, so had to be careful about languages, and not leave anyone stranded at a table where they couldn't understand any of the conversation)
Didn't do a gift list, so avoided that, everyone gave us money anyway.

Idontseeanydragons · 07/08/2015 13:08

Training myself to ignore any phrase that started with 'you don't want to' or 'you want to'. As in 'you don't want to have a veggie option at a winter wedding, it's too cold'
This type of thing was a frequent refrain from my IL's throughout, apparently we didn't want a cake we actually liked either (as in Not Fruit)...
If it had turned into a drinking game we'd have been pissed for the 4 months it took us to organise it!

Lottapianos · 07/08/2015 13:13

'As in 'you don't want to have a veggie option at a winter wedding, it's too cold' '

I used to be a non-meat eater and I thought that I had heard every single insane, batshit crazy comment about vegetarians there was but apparently I was wrong! Do they think that veggies eat only lettuce and cucumber or something?!

Original poster

Dnorris9 · 07/08/2015 13:15

Haha, this brings the memories flooding back! Especially, the debates about why they should get what they want because they were contributing half toward the wedding! Politics, politics, politics!

I think half the struggle is forgetting it's your wedding, and that the two of you are the most important people there, that's all it comes down to.

Different strokes for different folks eh!

OP posts:

Idontseeanydragons · 07/08/2015 13:18

It was a bit of a corker Lotta
I have a large number of vegetarians on my side so it was non negotiable. MIL (who said it) is of the opinion that it's not a proper meal unless there is a large piece of meat and a few over cooked vegetables on the plate..

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 07/08/2015 13:23

Definitely family input - or lack of input. I'd never actually been to a wedding as a grown up before I got married, and would have loved some helpful tips (like bouquets are really heavy, don't go too big; anywhere you go will charge you extra for sodding chair covers). Instead of unhelpful stuff like "isn't your flat too small to get married from"...

Lottapianos · 07/08/2015 13:23

Ah yes, the meat obsessives. It just doesn't count as food unless its meat with overcooked veg. Mm, appetising! Hope she got her head around the vegatarians in the end

iklboo · 07/08/2015 13:28

FIL telling us who we HAD to invite, making demands about who sat where. Then we told him he could have a say when he paid for the wedding. Until then, butt out.

GinandJag · 07/08/2015 13:28

Seating plans!

ChrisQuean · 07/08/2015 13:37

Managing parental attitudes. Nightmare. In the end we decided against having our wedding in my home town and did it in London, far, far away from DM.

DM sent me a list of 36 of her friends (this did not including family!) that we "HAVE to invite!" I'd never even heard of some of them, nevermind met them. She didn't speak to me for a month when I trimmed the list to 6. She also threw a hissy fit about tablecloths (we weren't having them, which caused a melt down). She even shouted "It's not about YOU!" when I objected to her stipulations about our wedding.

Example of her Mother-of-the-Bride-zilla attitude - We didn't want any posed group photos and arranged for the photographer to work on a long lens, reportage style basis. On the day, she countermanded this and handed the photographer a list of family shots and timetable she wanted. It nearly resulted in a tearful row because I wouldn't pose for her rediculous school class photo until I gave in.

Want2bSupermum · 07/08/2015 13:42

My MIL. With making minimal contributions she expected a say on everything. We had two weddings and I learned from the first to just say no. Budget for first was $2500 and it ended up costing us $6k. I was furious with myself.

clarabellski · 07/08/2015 13:42

As others have said, parents.

If I'm being perfectly honest the reason we got married in the first place was to please them (on both sides). So we really should have just stuck to the formula for the wedding in order to continue pleasing them. But we got what we wanted in the end (just us & parents at registry office, no white dress) and I don't think anyone was really that upset. If they were then they are tools, it is just a wedding.

Tizwailor · 07/08/2015 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjt110 · 07/08/2015 13:48

Refusing other people's wants and whims. It was our wedding. Our day. We found it hard not to bend towards other peoples wants.

SunnyL · 07/08/2015 13:52

Managing my mothers expectations was the most work. she had very firm ideas on what makes a wedding and the correct etiquette. she was mostly horrified at my ideas of making things myself - kept wanting to throw money at us to do it her way (which gave my dad reasons to make jibes about money at me).

Everything else was easy because I really didnt care. I just wanted to be married and have a party

Lottapianos · 07/08/2015 13:53

'She even shouted "It's not about YOU!" when I objected to her stipulations about our wedding'

This is far from the first time I've read the same comment being made by a parent to their adult child during either wedding planning or baby planning. My sister is currently planning her wedding and my dad has a serious cob on about various issues which are really very trivial in the grand scheme. I think he's furious that he doesn't have any control and wants everyone to come running to him asking his opinion on everything. Nuts. And extremely tedious.

If DP and I ever get married, all family members will just be told invited to show up on X date at Y time in Z location. They won't even get a sniff of the planning - it just creates opportunities for too many oars to get shoved in. You cannot please people so just don't even try - please yourselves

annandale · 07/08/2015 14:00

Mostly realising afterwards that I should have done it differently - should have had a buffet or a barbecue not a sit-down dinner, should have looked in a mirror before wearing that underwear, shouldn't have married on a Saturday, shouldn't have served such an enormous ham, shouldn't have had such an early wedding time so that lots of people had to get up at the crack to get there. THere was a long string of gentle negative comments through the day from people which I found hard.

Otherwise, should have gone with DH's original plan A of 12 people at Le Manoir Aux Quat' Saisons - that was a fab idea. However, since our plan B of 60 people at a cheaper restaurant was kaiboshed by the PILS inviting 10 people without consulting us and asking how many more they could invite (and moaning when we eventually said a total of 30), perhaps we were always fooling ourselves. We ended up with 120 in a village hall and tbh although it was a good day I have no desire to look at the photos or remember it much, which is a bit sad.

RudyMentary · 07/08/2015 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolpertinger · 07/08/2015 14:08

Ha!, PILs asked us how many they could invite as we had to invite Great Aunt Edna - I said none!

Although it felt awful at the time, it was good as they didn't ask anything else about the wedding and when they did turn up they had a great time and gave us money towards it.

If we'd agreed to Great Aunt Edna there would have been a new request every week.

Your Plan A does sound a fab idea - maybe you could do it for a significant anniversary?

Epilepsyhelp · 07/08/2015 14:12

Bridesmaid dresses!!

PaulineFossil · 07/08/2015 14:14

Chrisquean, are you my secret sister?? My mother was the same. Wedding dress shopping wasn't about me apparently. She seriously thought Dh should have NO opinion on anything. Spent most of my wedding livid with me because I was being too fussy and self obsessed because I actually wanted to blow dry my hair and do my make up (nothing elaborate, washed hair, dried it, was short so not much I could do anyway) we very nearly eloped.

ChrisQuean · 07/08/2015 14:16

Even 10 years later DH and I feel like our wedding was nothing like I wanted because of DM (and stemming from her wailing phone calls to family, other relatives chipping in with their three penn'orth.) I love DH but my wedding day wasn't the happiest day of my life. I regret giving in for the sake of peace.

She honestly saw our wedding as her big day and her chance to hold court. She organised her own line up going into dinner (without me and DH) so she could welcome everyone as host when we had specifically said no line ups.

She spent far more time searching for and money on her outfit than I did on my dress, shoes etc. I bought the first dress I liked and she had a fit at "your appallingly gung-ho, slap-dash attitude to everything, Chris!". I was a 30 year old City lawyer with a joint mortgage and DH similar, but apparently we didn't have the necessary nous to organise our wedding, which we paid for entirely ourselves.

The Great Tablecloth Sulk was the low point

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