Disappointment in the train

[chrlng]

Hello to everyone. Please forgive any mistakes. I'm a foreigner living in the UK.

Last week I had to travel to London by train with my baby (3 months old). I had to change train and because of the first trains delay, I missed the second. That means I couldn't use the seat that I had booked because I had to take the next train.

I've been in the UK since 2019 and since day one I was surprised about how kind people were with me and my husband and how helpful they've been. But that day, I walked with a baby car seat throughout every train carrier, there was not a single seat available. Every seat was occupied. The baby was screaming, I had a panic attack because I had no space to put the babies pram so I just left it next to the exit door and desperately tried to find a seat to sit and calm down my baby. I passed by at least 100 people and not even ONE offered me a seat. That day I was so disappointed. I couldn't wrap my head around what happened. Everybody was looking but nobody offered a seat or asked me if I need help while I was struggling to move while holding the car seat with the baby inside. I ended up putting the baby back in the pram and standing next to the exit door for 2+ hours trying to make milk for the baby on the train floor.

How would you explain that? Why everyone ignored me? I've never felt like this before. British people have always been super kind so far.

I'd like to hear your opinion.

No I was looking for myself and the baby. My husband was behind holding our pram and suitcase.

Oh right so you couldnt book as you had to change trains. Maybe it would have been better just to leave baby in the pram and not carry them down in a car seat. Where would you have put the carseat if you did sit down.

I was having a panic attack trying to sooth a baby. My husband behind me trying to find a place to put our pram and I turn behind many times to tell him that there's nowhere to sit

It does sound as though you presented quite a chaotic picture of yourselves. In future I would suggest one of you stays with the pram in the vestibule while the other seeks out the train manager. But, as has been said, two able-bodied adults and a baby don't really have any special entitlement to a seat.

If it's a long journey, your best bet is to look at who is preparing to get out at the next station and be on standby to grab their seat as soon as they leave it, before the train arrives in the platform and others get on. Very unlikely that no one at all will get off and free up a seat. In the age of mobile phones, you and your husband could 'monitor' a carriage each and the first to get a seat phones the other.

I think all seats have to be booked these days. I travel regularly and all the announcements repeat that you must have a booked seat to travel and the correct ticket for that train, so I would probably have thought that you, husband, baby and pram had jumped on the train at the nearest available door and were walking through the train to your booked seat.

But as people say, you weren't struggling with a crying baby and a pram on your own. You could have stayed with your baby in the pram while your husband scouted for seats, then he could have texted you to tell you which carriage etc.

And yes, you could have approached staff for help, they are usually very good.

We're not horrible.

He was next to the exit door. He didn't follow me.

If I saw a couple with a baby walking past me on a train I’d probably assume they were walking to their seat. I would have just sat in first class with the baby if I were you op. Once when I was very pregnant, no one would give up a seat for me on a train so I just sat in first class and waited to be told off by the train manager but no one said anything to me. Had they told me to move I would have asked them to show me (any) seat I could sit on on the train.

I feel sorry that you're so upset by this experience. But my experience of travelling on a train (in London, which might be unusual) when pregnant or with baby and pram is no-one ever helps or offers a seat. They won't even move out the way to let the pram in or out! This is very different to what I used to see 20 years ago or so. I don't expect help at all now (although I will always offer to help someone else) and I've just learnt to manage. Ive also sat on floor, made milk on floor for baby...you just get on with it. If you husband was with you, at least you had each other for support. Sorry if that's sounds harsh as I don't mean to be. You just get used to it. And as other pp said, train fare is so expensive. You also don't know if other passengers are sick, tired, exhausted from long working hours...

I did approach the manager and she just said "you might find a seat in the nest carrier". So I was looking. And we had booked a seat but we missed the connection so had to take the next train. Yes we ended up standing next to the exit and making milk on the floor. We were blocking the toilet and the exit. And if anyone wanted to get out would have to wait for us to get out first and jump back on. But nobody got out until we reached to London. That was one more reason why we were trying to find a seat so we could fold the pram and don't block the whole area.

Do you think a seat would have stopped your husband blocking the exit and the loo, someone else would have had to stand there instead. Could you have folded the pram before you got on and made up the bottles on the pram or the station. It sounds very stressful but a bit disorganised.

It sounds very stressful, but having been in similar situations when my daughter was a baby, it would have been easier to leave the baby in the pram in the vestibule at the end of the carriage with one parent while the other finds a seat. In fact, we often used to do train journeys where we’d take turns to stay with the pram or sit in the carriage in peace and quiet! Got a bit trickier at toddler age, but was fine for a young baby.

I agree that I would have assumed that you were walking through the train to get to your seat or the baby changing facilities, or just trying to soothe the baby. Also agree with the comments that people would be very reluctant to give up seats when it’s an overcrowded train for a long journey. If there had been delays, I expect there were other people like you who’d missed their original train and had struggled to get a seat.

You might have had a better response if you were just carrying the baby - the car seat would mean you’d need two seats, while a mum with a small baby only needs one seat.

People generally only get up for people less able to stand than themselves. You could have folded your pram as you had the baby in a car seat? Presumably you were expecting a seat to put that on whilst you made the milk up? I don’t understand how you being seated with a baby in your arms would have helped you to make up milk rather than doing it with your baby strapped into a pram? Nobody wants to stand for 2 hours they’re unlikely to give up a seat (or 3) for young and physically able adults

Op if you were alone with a baby I would have offered you support, but as you were 2 adults,no I wouldn't.

Your husband was with you? Well that puts a different spin on things, from your OP it seemed as though you were on your own with a pram, car seat and crying baby. Why did your husband not just ask someone for a seat, or hold the baby while your panic attack subsided?

If you had been on your own with pram/car seat/baby I would have offered you a seat. But with your husband being there, I would assume you would have his help.
I’m not sure why you needed to make up milk on the train floor? Surely when travelling you would use cartons of premade milk or make a bottle in advance.

i am confused as you say your husband was behind you as you were saying there was no space and they you say he stayed with the pram by the exit…

to be honest you just need to let this go, people tend you give up their seats for someone who can’t stand, if you had a pram put the baby in that and you and your husband stand. People are not obliged to hand over their seats because you have a baby.

Ah OP, I can understand getting into a flap when you're still relatively new to it all. I remember getting totally flustered trying to deal with pram/car seat/DD at about six weeks old when I was solo, and I felt so hot and bothered and stressed. It does get easier: next time, just leave your husband with car seat and pram all the bits and just carry baby in arms and walk through train to try find somewhere. And yes definitely to the premade bottles - I wouldn't want to be making formula from scratch on a packed train whether I had a seat or not! Basically just make your life as easy as it can be! Those car seats are awful to lug around as they're so heavy. And then if there's no seat anywhere, just head back to husband and take it in turns to check every so often.

Good news is that it gets easier and in a few months you'll be folding pram while jiggling a crying baby solo with ease and it won't be so stressful.

Why did your Dh not step up?

We were in a horrible airport scenario queuing standing for over 3 hours 🙄. Couple behind us had a young baby and the mum was weepy said she might faint as she was diabetic! My bolshie friend announced loudly “why on earth are you even in the queue” marched them to the front and got a staff member to get the mum a chair. We couldn’t believe how wet the husband was being he kind of trailed after them. You need some late 40 something mothers to sort this out!

Just to make things clear, I agree with you about everything you say. About how to manage next time to make my life easier and thanks for all the advices. Hopefully next time we won't have to take the train but our car instead. The thing that made me upset and disappointed is that I would offer my seat because for me this is the right thing to do. Maybe it's not right to compare myself to others. Not everyone is kind and I've made peace with this fact in my life. But if I see anyone in need of a seat and he is in harder situation than me (old/pregnant/parents with babies or toddlers or anyone that looks like he would need it for any reason) I would offer my seat. As long as I'm alone (without the baby) and I'm fit to stand, I'd do it. As I said everyone is different.

You're not entitled to a seat more than anyone else though. They will have booked seats also. You're seemingly able bodied. You just have a baby that's crying. And a husband carrying the bags.
This has nothing to do with 'not everyone is kind'. Not everyone wants to give up their seat for someone with a screaming baby who thinks they are more deserving of sitting down.

The thing that made me upset and disappointed is that I would offer my seat because for me this is the right thing to do.

I'm not saying this to 'catch you out' but to try to give you some perspective. So, suppose on the journey you're talking about, you'd managed to get the last seat on the train - and then someone else had come along with a baby or otherwise in particular need of a seat just as you did - are you saying you'd have given up your seat for them? The seat you are saying no one would give you?

What I'm saying is that you have no idea what was going on with your fellow passengers. Of course the odds are that many of them would have been perfectly able to stand, but some of them were doubtless in as much if not more need of their seats than you. You seem to have the idea in your head that the train was packed with selfish idiots - trust me, it wasn't.

Yeah, every one will have been fed up.

This has nothing to do with 'not everyone is kind'. Not everyone wants to give up their seat for someone with a screaming baby who thinks they are more deserving of sitting down.

Precisely. It's nothing to do with "be kind". That's just makes you sound overbearing.

Had you been alone with the baby and asked me if I’d give you my seat for twenty minutes so you could make up formula and feed the baby and would then go back to put them in their pram and stand, I’d have obliged because that would be the right thing to do. Perhaps that’s what you should have asked. But I don’t consider that I should have to give up my seat for several hours of a journey when there’s a couple who can manage the baby between them and are capable of standing next to the pram.

two able bodied parents with a baby safely strapped into a pram aren’t in a worse situation though I don’t think? Which was also the judgement of the guard as they didn’t find you a seat either. If you have a disability/ pregnant/ other reason etc there are priority seats or first class and they will help you. Having children with you doesn’t generally fit into that class though. If it’s a long journey and you have young kids with you it’s often worth upgrading

I don't say that I'm entitled. I just say what I would have done. And yes I'd give my seat even if it was the last available and had to stand for 2 hours. But this is just me. As I said I've made peace with the fact that not everyone is like me. I've seen people ignoring others even if they're in bigger need than them. But I will never be like them. And this is what I will teach my child to do as well. At least to ask "do you need help?". Just to be kind. Probably everyone has a different perception about what's kind and what's not.