Is it normal to still feel resentful about this?

[Tinyterrier]

My 13-year-old daughter has recently started her periods. She was fully prepared, knew what to expect, and told me when it happened. We went shopping for pads and I took her for ice cream as a little celebration and we had a really nice day. However, it’s brought up a load of resentful feelings and a surprising amount of anger and hurt about starting my own periods at the same age. I must’ve buried these feelings pretty deep as they kind of took me by surprise.

I was also 13 when I started my periods. My mum had never spoken to me about them or about anything to do with puberty or sex, which always puzzled me because she was fairly open and progressive in many other ways. I think it was more laziness than anything else. This was in the late 90s, so not exactly the dark ages when nobody uttered the word period out loud. Shortly before this, she started an affair with a work colleague and abandoned my brother & I for a few months while she moved into his house in another town half an hour away. So I started my first period at my dad’s with only my dad and little brother there, my dad was absolutely not the kind of dad I could have told. I remember crying my eyes out in the bathroom for hours because I thought it meant that I’d bleed every day until menopause. I didn’t even know they only came every month. I missed my mum so much in that moment and desperately needed her there but I was too scared to phone her in case her new boyfriend answered (it was pre mobile phones). I had no pads, nothing. I stuffed toilet paper in my knickers until I could sneak out to the shop. I never did tell my mum and she never asked. She did once give me some pads “in case I needed them” when I was 16…i tried not to laugh.

Apart from the running off with another man, was this fairly standard in the 90s? Or was my mum especially shit? AIBU by suddenly feeling so upset about something that happened decades ago? We have an ok relationship now but she irritates the hell out of me. Is this actually because I resent her for abandoning me I wonder?..

Of course it’s normal. She just guided her own dd through starting periods so it’s a natural time for her to remember what her own mum failed to do.

"it certainly isn't healthy to feel it so strongly so many years later."

This is completely invalidating how they are feeling and implying they should be over it by now.

It is very normal these feelings to resurface when you have your own children and is definitely not something that you should be berating them for by telling them it isn't healthy.

Did you mean to quote me in this?

I agree with what you have posted and was telling aditup the same thing.

That was my experience at school, we were even given a booklet, detailing what periods were. My friends, and I were talking about them from about the age of 12, and all reading Are you there God, it's me Margaret!

This is really sad, both of your parents sound very self-absorbed at best.

I started my period in the 90s and my mum had done her best to prepare me and provided all the sanpro I needed, despite finding conversations about sex and “down there” excruciatingly awkward, because of her own upbringing.

So from my perspective, your parents should have done better by you, and I understand your anger about it.

It sounds like you made your daughter’s experience much more positive, which is to your credit.

I also started my periods in the 90s. My mum had never spoke to me about it but school had and friends who had already started them did so I knew what was happening. I felt very embarrassed telling my mum but she did get me some pads. There was no 'celebration', I don't think that's ever been the norm.
We feel how we feel and it can't be helped but in my honest opinion you should let it go. Holding on to resentment is no use to anyone.

Your Mum was shit. It's that simple. Not only did she not bother to explain puberty/periods to you, at no point did it cross her mind that you may need sanitary pads. There was a half arsed attempt when you were 16, which was 3 years too late.

I had my first period at 12, in 1986. My Mum had explained about puberty/periods, and made sure I had pads in my bedroom but also some in my school bag too.

Your Mum was too busy with her new fella, to be concerned about you and your brother. She put her own wants above her children's needs. I know of two women, back in the late 90's who walked out on their marriage and children for other men. A friend of my Mum's walked out on her husband and two daughter's back in the mid-80's. It's not unheard of for women to leave their children, it's just more commonly men.

You have made sure your daughters experience has been the opposite to you OP. You can't change how your Mum behaved towards you.

I'm so sorry OP. You are a brilliant mother and reading your post made me feel so sad. No worse feeling than needing your mum and not having her there, I want to give childhood you a hug.

This post has weirdly made me realise that issues surrounding this were part of my mum's neglect (of me). She was neglectful in many other ways (never maliciously, it was always carelessness), but I recall starting my period at 13 on the first day of year 9. It happened at school and I wasn't clued up on periods at all and was kind of panicking. When at home that night I went to the toilet then went to her and acted like it had just happened and I was surprised and upset. I was so deeply embarrassed as it wasn't something my mum ever spoke to me about and all the kids at school just made jokes about periods/puberty, etc.

I remember her being happy, saying that I was "a woman now" (which did and still does make me cringe so hard) and gave me a pad. Following that she never gave me any pads or anything. She didn't leave them in the bathroom as she didn't want to upset my (abusive) older brother. So I literally just used toilet paper for like 2 years until I was brave enough to face the utter shame of going and buying pads. Christ. I never really thought all of this through and how it relates to her neglect until now, as it just feels like such an uncomfortable, distant memory. An eye-opening post to say the least. This was 2011.