Is it normal to still feel resentful about this?

[Tinyterrier]

My 13-year-old daughter has recently started her periods. She was fully prepared, knew what to expect, and told me when it happened. We went shopping for pads and I took her for ice cream as a little celebration and we had a really nice day. However, it’s brought up a load of resentful feelings and a surprising amount of anger and hurt about starting my own periods at the same age. I must’ve buried these feelings pretty deep as they kind of took me by surprise.

I was also 13 when I started my periods. My mum had never spoken to me about them or about anything to do with puberty or sex, which always puzzled me because she was fairly open and progressive in many other ways. I think it was more laziness than anything else. This was in the late 90s, so not exactly the dark ages when nobody uttered the word period out loud. Shortly before this, she started an affair with a work colleague and abandoned my brother & I for a few months while she moved into his house in another town half an hour away. So I started my first period at my dad’s with only my dad and little brother there, my dad was absolutely not the kind of dad I could have told. I remember crying my eyes out in the bathroom for hours because I thought it meant that I’d bleed every day until menopause. I didn’t even know they only came every month. I missed my mum so much in that moment and desperately needed her there but I was too scared to phone her in case her new boyfriend answered (it was pre mobile phones). I had no pads, nothing. I stuffed toilet paper in my knickers until I could sneak out to the shop. I never did tell my mum and she never asked. She did once give me some pads “in case I needed them” when I was 16…i tried not to laugh.

Apart from the running off with another man, was this fairly standard in the 90s? Or was my mum especially shit? AIBU by suddenly feeling so upset about something that happened decades ago? We have an ok relationship now but she irritates the hell out of me. Is this actually because I resent her for abandoning me I wonder?..

My mum left my dad for another man and me and my sister were in raised by our dad from the age of 11. When I started my periods, my dad had been out in advance and got some pads which he gave to me so that was great, bless him.

My mum was not a good mum. I resent her slightly and we’re not that close, however I think I’ve noticed it even more since I’ve had children of my own. My main goal is to be a much better mum to them than she was to me.

Your mum wasn’t great either. It’s ok to be resentful. It sounds like you’re doing a great job for your daughter x

My mum gave me a book on it and showed me these awful pads that you suspended from a book. So, I do think it was neglectful of your mum to not educate or guide you and as for the leaving you, you’ve ever right to be annoyed and upset.

My Dad wouldn’t have had a clue about this sort of stuff when I was in my teens in the 90s, so I don’t think thats unusual

belt not book!!

Parents often were better then (not all!) and did not abandon their families as much as some do now, and no parent I knew of failed to teach their daughters about their bodies. There were also lots of adverts about periods on TV so it's surprising you never saw them-did your family never let you watch TV-I know some parents were strict about that? People used to sing advert songs about periods when I was at primary in the 90s, like the BodyForm one (google if you want, but I remember people breaking out in song about this period ad), so both boys and girls were well aware of what went on before anyone in the class started. I am really sorry that this was not the case for you, and it's wrong.

Agree, your mum was a bit shit really.
My mum wasn't much better in the early 80s, but she did at least get me some books on the subject.

I can remember being in the last year of juniors and the teacher making veiled references to periods and being utterly confused. Most of the girls did know what the teacher was on about. Luckily I didn't have them until a couple of years later.

Maybe she was going through the change like my mum when I was the same age - a divorcee, she got a motorbike, started clubbing and sleeping around, and although physically present she otherwise neglected us kids, we were not uppermost in her mind. I too started at 13 and was terrified and alone, I thought there was something wrong with me. Told her the next day and she told me off for not telling her as I could have soiled the bed. When I said how scared I was she just said I thought they told you about all this at school. Zero compassion. So although she didn't move out it felt like neglect. 16 before she noticed i needed a bra. Never noticed when I needed a haircut. School uniform only washed once a term. Was known as the one with the scruffy hair on the school bus 😞

Yes it’s really important to remember that you can’t control how another person will react. So if you tell her about this because you’re hoping for something from her, you’re leaving yourself open to more hurt, because in all likelihood she will just be defensive and refuse any responsibility, probably by denying that it’s even reasonable for you to feel any hurt over it in the first place.

As PPs have said, the best way to heal is to allow yourself to feel that hurt, but also to feel good that you’ve been able to give your own daughter such a different experience. You’ve managed to be a great mum despite having a terrible role model!

My dm failed on the period front. I think she just assumed they taught us about in in school and that was that! It was mentioned at school but dm never even provided any pads in advance and it was only whispered about. This was the late 70s.

My mum told me nothing, and when I started my periods she simply said ' well you know what it is don't you'? This was in the 70's and I remember being so annoyed when I found out my oldest sister had also told her daughters nothing, although thankfully like me they already knew. I have a friend whose daughter started her periods at 10 years old, so from 11 years old my Dd was prepared, I made sure she had a pretty cosmetic bag with pads, tampons and wipes. She started her periods at school and she messaged to tell me it was ok because 'I was prepared' Yanbu to resent your mum for this, but sadly we can't turn back time

I had a similar experience, my DM told me nothing at all. This was the early 80s. Thank goodness for sex education at school and the talk from the Tampax lady, or I would have been completely unprepared. Like you OP I sometimes just used a wodge of loo roll or cotton wool as she didn’t provide me with any pads and I was too embarrassed to go to the shops. I do feel resentment about it, yes, as she was a good mum in many ways but I feel that this was a basic parenting task that she totally failed at.
Also I was looking back at some childhood photos and can clearly see I needed a bra.

I just feel quite sad for my childhood self. I can’t even talk to her now, she’s very closed.

I have always been much more open with my girls, gave them a pack to take to school just in case, and there’s always a basket of pads in the cupboard. I gave them books to read about puberty, and they know they can ask me anything.

That certainly wasn’t the case for me at a similar time. We had talks at both primary and secondary school about periods. Every magazine we read had information about it all as well.

Sorry your mum was shite though, OP :(

I feel this op. I was 11. Started during the 6 weeks holidays. All my mum did was show me how to put a pad on & said "change it when it's full" and that was it.
I have all sons so haven't the experience you have but I always remember that day every now and again and think how young I actually was and how little she prepared me or cared. My dad was worse. He made me fly home 4 days into a 2 week holiday in Tenerife bc i came on when I was there and my mum hadn't packed any pads and he certainly wasn't buying them with his drinking money. He bought me one packet for the flight home and that was it.
My granny, God love her punched him square in the face when she saw him. Plenty of parts if little me are unhealed. But I see in ny sons i have broke that generational curse. So have you. 🫶🏻

I had similar and it was shit in the 70s too. I thought I was dying and blocked the loo with toilet paper. I was given a leaflet and supply of pants with loops ….

Ah OP, that is poor indeed.
It’s natural to feel the way you do, you were let down.
You are strong indeed for recognising this and doing things differently with your own daughter.
I hope you feel better soon xx

OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your mum abandoned you and when you needed her, she wasn’t there. I’m not surprised this traumatic memory has surfaced whilst you support your daughter through this critical life stage. I really want to give you a hug. You deserved better. I hope talking about it has helped you. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. It’s healing when we can give our children what we never had. X

My mum was exactly the same. No talk about periods, she never even bought any pads or anything. She must have known I needed them as I told her I’d started my periods yet she might buy a packet once every 3-4 months but that was it. I used to literally dread period week and would use my dinner money to buy pads. A couple of months ago she told me how she’d made me up a little bag with ‘emergency supplies’ for when I was in secondary school but she didn’t. She kept talking about it but never did. Maybe she did for my sister but not for me. This was mid nineties.

So many of these replies are incredibly sad. The one person who should be there for you, to guide and protect you, was just abusive and neglectful. Sending love to you ladies. Hugging my little one extra tight tonight. May we break the cycle. Xx

I had a similar traumatic experience and the best way to deal with all those feelings is knowing that you have broken the cycle with your own child.

Knowing that my child will never feel the way I did or experience what I did really helps heal my inner child.

You have also broken that cycle. You are giving your child everything you needed at that age and you should be proud of yourself. It's very very hard to break that cycle and avoid repeating the generational trauma.

It doesn't remove the neglect and bad experiences you had but hopefully you can find comfort knowing your own child will never have to deal with similar traumatic events, nor will any other children/grandchildren that come after. That's all because of you.