Is it normal to still feel resentful about this?

[Tinyterrier]

My 13-year-old daughter has recently started her periods. She was fully prepared, knew what to expect, and told me when it happened. We went shopping for pads and I took her for ice cream as a little celebration and we had a really nice day. However, it’s brought up a load of resentful feelings and a surprising amount of anger and hurt about starting my own periods at the same age. I must’ve buried these feelings pretty deep as they kind of took me by surprise.

I was also 13 when I started my periods. My mum had never spoken to me about them or about anything to do with puberty or sex, which always puzzled me because she was fairly open and progressive in many other ways. I think it was more laziness than anything else. This was in the late 90s, so not exactly the dark ages when nobody uttered the word period out loud. Shortly before this, she started an affair with a work colleague and abandoned my brother & I for a few months while she moved into his house in another town half an hour away. So I started my first period at my dad’s with only my dad and little brother there, my dad was absolutely not the kind of dad I could have told. I remember crying my eyes out in the bathroom for hours because I thought it meant that I’d bleed every day until menopause. I didn’t even know they only came every month. I missed my mum so much in that moment and desperately needed her there but I was too scared to phone her in case her new boyfriend answered (it was pre mobile phones). I had no pads, nothing. I stuffed toilet paper in my knickers until I could sneak out to the shop. I never did tell my mum and she never asked. She did once give me some pads “in case I needed them” when I was 16…i tried not to laugh.

Apart from the running off with another man, was this fairly standard in the 90s? Or was my mum especially shit? AIBU by suddenly feeling so upset about something that happened decades ago? We have an ok relationship now but she irritates the hell out of me. Is this actually because I resent her for abandoning me I wonder?..

But secondary school is risking leaving it too late. I was 11 when I got my first period in my final year at primary, and we'd had the puberty conversation, but my younger sister was even younger at 9, in the late 70s. No one had spoken to her about periods yet, and she was terrified -- it came at school, and she was afraid to tell anyone.

Our mother had grown up without even an outdoor loo, and remains to this day horrified by menstruation. She refers to periods in a whisper as 'the other thing'.

So sorry OP.

You're not being irrational at all! I think what you're experiencing is completely understandable and your mother completely failed you. I read a lot of things on here and myself had an abusive childhood, so I'm not easily surprised, but I still find your mother's conduct shocking. It's normal to be triggered as you see the stark difference in how you treat your own DCs.

I think you 'coped' as a teen and it became just how life was, (this is really typical of children adapting to abusive behaviour and that's why people trot out the really false narrative of children being 'resilient' ) but there are flash points when you realise just how abnormal it was that you were expected to manage major life changes effectively alone. It was emotional neglect and abandonment, which is abusive. I have met people on my healing journey who have gone through less and have long term issues so, don't undermine your feelings.

When I started my periods I'd had no previous chat either, and because the initial blood wasn't red but brown I assumed I had crapped myself. When I finally did get pads I wasn't used to the routine yet and left a pad on the bathroom floor and was subsequently beaten with a wire hanger.

No this was not standard, I’m sorry this happened to you. Parenting can sometimes trigger memories of things that happened in our own childhoods, needs we didn’t have met. At least it means you are in a good position to absolutely ensure your daughter has all the support she needs. Big hugs to you xx

I was a teenager in the nineties too and started my periods around the age of 12 in 1994. I was lucky that my mum did talk to me about periods when I was in primary school (she had a bad experience with her own mum who never told her and it was quite a shock when her period started). However, I also remember lessons about periods in years 6 and 7 where we were given information booklets, tampons and pads. We all also used to read magazines like Sugar and Bliss which gave loads of information about puberty and sex, especially via the problem pages, which we loved! So I am surprised that you hadn't had more info about periods by the age of 13. I'm so sorry you had that experience though. It must have been so scary and isolating.

That's so sad that your first period coincided with your mum disappearing with an affair partner. That must've been really awful and disruptive.
It's totally understandable that memories of that came back when you daughter started.

I remember my mum saying her mum didn't explain it to her at all, and she didn't know it had anything to do with fertility or potential pregnancy.

I'm sorry you had such a bad time back then. But it's lovely that your daughter is growing up with all your love and support and she won't have any bad memories of her first periods.

I'm your age or slightly older and my Mum did explain periods to us. But we also learnt about it in school more than once, talked about it with friends and got given some sample pads in Year 7 so I'm kind of surprised you didn't know what to expect. But I would have been devastated too if my Mum had left us and I can understand why it's bringing up the trauma of that time for you.

Yeah, this stuff can happen. I don't have kids but am around late teenagers at work and what they are going through throws up unwelcome memories and new perceptions of old things, like choosing universities and so on.

Despite what some political parties say about things being better in the old days, it's swings and roundabouts, in many ways things have really evolved. But it's easy to forget that because of the nostalgia thing, where the past offers up its greatest hits.

My dad could be melancholic or bitter at my age and would reminisce about upsetting events in his late teens - he had a bad time at Sandhurst - because I was the same age, I think, it stirs up old memories, so approach with caution.

What would be depressing would be if you were as bad as your parents. You're not, so you've evolved.

Not remotely standard in the 90s. Horrendous parenting by both parents. The thought of a 13-year-old going through that alone without any information or support and nobody giving you a hug is awful - I feel like I want to reach out to 13 year old you and help her!

I can completely see why your DD starting her periods has raked all this up for you.

My mum was poor in quite a few other areas growing up, but she made sure I knew about sex/where babies came from/periods fairly early on, and this was the late 90s. I had seen some older girls on a residential with period products so asked her what they were, although I'm sure if I hadn't asked at some point she would have told me. It was all very matter of fact.

I have a young DD now and I am trying very hard to not repeat the things my mother did. I am sure I will get things wrong along the way but I am trying.

Well done OP for doing what you've done for your DD, and not repeating your mum's mistakes. You sound like a lovely mum.

Did you not have any talks in school? I was in school mid 80s - mid 90s and I remember talks in primary and secondary school. I don't think my mum had said much about it.

I think you issue is more the abandonment that the period per se. Although what more crucial moment in life does a young girl need her mum. If she had been there you could have asked. I absolutely would not be asking my dad for help/info either, so I do get that. Sorry she wasn't there for you.

Standard level of care in that period, girls being told absolutely nothing about sex or periods. It was a car crash for me in both those areas

60s/early 70s? absolutely. I was told nothing by DM (and she was visibly embarrassed when I asked her what tampons are). School however, really stepped up in this regard - we had a talk in RE from an outside teacher about periods and a fabulous biology teacher who gave some very instructive lessons in human biology. Thank you, Mrs Rumble.

I remember a lesson at primary school in the late 80's. Sadly, I had been having periods for a year already and had had ZERO information on periods given to me beforehand. Yes, I was young, but not freakishly young (9).

YANBU. My parents were the same: it’s like they got bored of parenting and kind of gave up. They then spent a lot of time caught up in their own dramas. Problem is l was the eldest and l wasn’t the only child

I started at 13 in the early 70s - I had had no discussion with my mother and learned 'the facts of life' from the problem pages in her women's magazines and a dictionary!! We had no sex education at school. I was terrified when I went to the loo and saw blood for the first time. I remember going to her and saying 'I'm bleeding' - she went to the cupboard and got me a belt and pads (!) - horrible things. That was that - she used to buy packets of pads and leave them in my room - we called them 'things'. It was all so awful and embarrassing.

I just wanted to say well done for handling things so well with your own daughter.

That's terrible parenting and not surprised you are dealing with all the emotions again now your dd is a teen.

I started my periods late 80s age 12 and was absolutely prepared for it - Mum didn't talk to me about it (apart from leaving me a really old fashioned book in my room - she was older and still called periods 'the curse') but there was quite a lot at school, books and magazines were full of it and friends all talked about it. I didn't feel at all like she'd done anything wrong - she did buy whatever tampons I asked for. None of us wanted to talk to our mums about periods.

I suspect you are reminded of the whole difficult time and feelings of abandonment, which is absolutely valid. Be kind to yourself and take comfort in the fact you are a much better mother to your own dd.

We learned about it at school, I remember us all watching a film in the main hall - boys included. My mum was ok, not really talked about but when my brothers found out they were horrible.

Sorry your mum and dad let you down but take pride that you did so much better for your daughter. At least she didn't have a hard time and you were there for her.

My dm always put the latest boyfriend before being a dm. It makes life difficult as an adult to have a relationship with her.. so I don't..
I started at a friend's house and I remember her waking her dm up.
She never bought me things.

My sex education was her telling me our male dcat was being neutered ..not anything at all !
Your dd is lucky to have you op.

I'm not surprised it's triggered some upsetting feelings for you. Your parents failed you, anyone would feel let down in that situation.
Good for you giving positivity to your daughter's first period.

My mother told me what I needed to know and we had the girls in the hall to see a film at school education.

My mum's mum told her by leaving a leaflet on her bed about chickens and eggs! She didn't say anything else.

I hope you find some healing, your mum s sounds like a bit of a Muppet. Growing up I thought everyone's else's parents had their shit together and we were the only weird family. As I got older I realised lots of people had trauma, shame, stigma in their past/present etc. Not that it makes it okay, sort of helped me realising that though.

Being a parent we often don't know what we're doing, making it up as we go along.. Coasting through life. I was talking to my daughters (in their twenties) the other day about how now they're older it's nice to be able to take my foot off the gas, they are mostly independent, don't argue as much etc.
Your mum took her foot off the gas too soon, she sounds selfish and I'm sorry she wasn't there for you when she needed you. Dad's can be great I'm sure but I think generally girls need their mum.

Damn you've got a fair bit in common with OP.

Good for you walking away. What a vague message re the cat. I hope you found some healing.

I couldn't agree more with this post.

Having a daughter go through all the milestones of growing up, loving that daughter through those milestones really throws into sharp relief what you missed out on by having a less attentive mother. I don't think the pain of this ever goes away. Expect more of it through the next years.

Focus on the fact you're breaking the cycle and setting the universe balance closer to where it should be.

I watched a video in the late 80s middle school which also showed a baby being born. Video shot from right between the legs for the full time. I think the girls only got this video. It put me off sex and actually having my own children until my 20s!! We also had the naked people playing frisbee on the beach video.

I don’t have much actual memory of when my periods started. I remember regularly having tummy ache so my mum had assumed this would be my periods starting (was actually food intolerance diagnosed about 20 years later) so provided me with pads to keep in my school bag. I remember boys in the cloakroom finding them after ransacking bags and leaving them out. Only and and one other girl were carrying them. But I don’t actually recall when I actually started. I just know that when I did they were heavy and I often overlapped 2 pads. In high school (13+) we had the tampax lady come and do a talk and I definitely had periods by that point as I went home with my free sample and tried them and decided they hurt too much!!

we didn’t really talk about periods at home. I actually think that was just how it was in the late 80s beginning 90s so probably not lazy parenting. All the talks had happened at school - parents went to view the videos first.

My parents were together at the time (separated later when I left home) and my dad wouldn’t have had a clue. I’m now divorced from my children’s dad and I remember making sure he had provisions at his house for if and when they started. He still didn’t have a clue though. My daughter needed reminding to change her period knickers after getting up on a morning and he didn’t remind her and she leaked through onto his sofa and he blamed me for buying rubbish knickers and said I should have provided disposable pads. Nope. Just needed prompting in the early days. My younger daughter got her period on her first day of high school and didn’t take her pads etc in despite me buying them and talking to her about it. She did go and ask school for pads but no one at school or her though to check the situation of her knickers and she sat in wet bloody knickers all day - luckily in a black skirt so no visible leakage. And the pads the school gave her were very flimsy and she probably didn’t change them often enough that day before coming home.

In regards to OP’s initial post, I think your mam was wrong to ditch you for her new partner however the period thing seems quite reminiscent of the day.

I'm one of three girls. We're all Mothers ourselves, and I'm a Granny too. We tease our Mum that we're still waiting for her to tell us about the birds & the bees, because she told us nothing! Our Dad, on the other hand was more than happy to go out and buy period products when we needed them. When I moved in with my boyfriend aged 19, he would pack my tampons in the centre of a shopping bag so that nobody could see that we'd purchased period products!!

But humorous anecdotes aside, OP I think your post is less about starting periods, and more about what you went through and how you felt when your Mum left the family home to live with somebody else. Starting your periods during that time clearly added to the horribly difficult time you were going through, and your daughter now starting her periods has made you think about that time again. What is your relationship like with your Mum now: have you been able to talk to her about the impact her leaving had on you? If not, is this something you could broach with her? It sounds like this is a hugely important part of your teen years that you need to talk about, have your feelings acknowledged, and find a way to try to make sense of all that happened. I really feel for you OP: you sound like a brilliant Mum to your own daughter.

I was 90s teen too, and my parents told me absolutely nothing.
I hope I've broken the chain with my own daughters now. We go bra shopping every year, all new bras and sports bras. I bought her about 5 packets of pads and told her to tell me which were the most comfortable. I'm very much more involved in children's life than my parents were in mine and they all come to me with things, whereas I never spoke to my mam about anything.

Yes your mum was rubbish. But I am surprised you didn’t have any sex education at school that talked about this in the 90s? I’m older than you and started discussions in primary school and then regularly had the “tampon lady” come and talk to us at secondary school. I started at 9 so had never had any discussions beforehand but my mum explained what it was and I gave me some pads. I don’t remember discussing it again tbh.