Is it normal to still feel resentful about this?

[Tinyterrier]

My 13-year-old daughter has recently started her periods. She was fully prepared, knew what to expect, and told me when it happened. We went shopping for pads and I took her for ice cream as a little celebration and we had a really nice day. However, it’s brought up a load of resentful feelings and a surprising amount of anger and hurt about starting my own periods at the same age. I must’ve buried these feelings pretty deep as they kind of took me by surprise.

I was also 13 when I started my periods. My mum had never spoken to me about them or about anything to do with puberty or sex, which always puzzled me because she was fairly open and progressive in many other ways. I think it was more laziness than anything else. This was in the late 90s, so not exactly the dark ages when nobody uttered the word period out loud. Shortly before this, she started an affair with a work colleague and abandoned my brother & I for a few months while she moved into his house in another town half an hour away. So I started my first period at my dad’s with only my dad and little brother there, my dad was absolutely not the kind of dad I could have told. I remember crying my eyes out in the bathroom for hours because I thought it meant that I’d bleed every day until menopause. I didn’t even know they only came every month. I missed my mum so much in that moment and desperately needed her there but I was too scared to phone her in case her new boyfriend answered (it was pre mobile phones). I had no pads, nothing. I stuffed toilet paper in my knickers until I could sneak out to the shop. I never did tell my mum and she never asked. She did once give me some pads “in case I needed them” when I was 16…i tried not to laugh.

Apart from the running off with another man, was this fairly standard in the 90s? Or was my mum especially shit? AIBU by suddenly feeling so upset about something that happened decades ago? We have an ok relationship now but she irritates the hell out of me. Is this actually because I resent her for abandoning me I wonder?..

Your mum was shit, but congratulations on breaking that cycle with your own daughter, that’s all we can really do now isn’t it? Is make sure our own never experience what we did♥️🫶🏼

I learn about periods at school during the 80's and was well informed via all the magazines like Bluejeans, Just17 etc. My mum never mentioned anything to me. When I started (age 11), I still recall the feeling of dread, the not knowing what to do and the realisation that my only available option was to keep it to myself. I bought lil-lets in secret and hid them on a ledge in a little used cupboard in the attic. When I needed a bra I used to sneak into our au pairs room and steal one of hers....

I remember my dad trying to have a chat with me age 16 mentioning do I know about growing up and tampax etc. I just kept my mouth shut....

I have tried very hard to be the opposite with my daughter but its difficult. I still feel its an embarrassing topic.

Yes that was awful! I am so sorry you went through it alone.
I was 14 when I started mine and I had waited ages with all my friends starting first, it felt a bit exciting. My excitement was short lived. The pain was bad and it was really heavy (only really sorted out by going on the pill after 3 years of it)
My mum gave me a pack of tiny pads without wings. When I bled all over the bed two nights running her and my 16 year old sister said I was immature and couldn't even put them on right. My mum kept saying young girls only bleed a little bit you are doing it wrong.
It is nothing like as bad as your experience but I am still hurt when I think about it.

Yes she was shit and your daughter is lucky to have you, my mum was shit but i dont think it was her fault she just didnt know what to say, my best friend was lovely as i was with her when it happened..

I can sympathise Op, my Mum was awful, didn't explain anything and I was expected to sort myself out, she didn't ever buy me a bra so I had to steal one from my sister, that I couldn't put in the wash, as I didn't want anyone to know, so it got worse and worse.

I then bought one for myself, when I got my first job at 14. I was deeply embarrassed to not be wearing a bra in a PE shirt for so many years though.

It's shit, and shit by 90s standards... I'm sorry you were treated the way you were... I can recommend therapy.

I feel similarly.

When I started my periods I was completely unprepared. Mum had never spoken to me about anything like that.

I was very embarrassed but managed to get the words out to tell her after school. She was stony faced as usual, and presumably also hugely embarrassed.

She gave me a massive box of own brand, ugly, unwrapped sanitary pads that looked more like what I now know to be maternity pads.

I balked at this, as they were so unlike the really prettily wrapped ones the girls had at school. This was the late 90s and the latest ones were the ones wrapped in paper that wasn’t crinkly, so people wouldn’t hear you unwrapping them in school toilets.

I asked if we could go the shops to choose some. She took me to the shops and she stood, uninterested and disapproving looking, at the end of the aisle while I looked through them all myself.

she bought the ones I chose, without comment. But from then on, occasionally after she’d been for the big shop, there would be a pack of the big, ugly own brand ones waiting on the stairs for me to take up to my room.

I found this really cruel because she obviously did it knowing I would be too embarrassed to raise it.

I couldn’t bear carrying them around in my pocket at school so I often went without and just used toilet paper.

I can remember, years later, she made some inappropriate and catty comment about knowing I wasn’t pregnant as a teen because “she washed my underwear”.

Now, my daughter isn’t yet at that age, but if I noticed she consistently had blood on her pants, I would have a chat about how to use sanitary pads correctly etc, find out what was going on.

The whole way she went about it was just awful. And as you say @3luckystarsits only now that I have my own kids I can see just how neglected I was.

my eldest is 11 and I’d say since he was around 7 or 8 it really hit me just now little my mum did for me at that age.

My mum worked (part time, civil service) and was outwardly very respectfable. Always smart, noce
suits, make-up. Whereas I was dressed exclusively in hand me downs, she didnt check if I washed or brushed my teeth so ended up with very bad teeth which have needed a lot of dental treatment over the years. I was born with a birthmark on my face, not a particularly bad one at all, but from a young age it bothered me and I used to try to cover it up. Initially with talcum powder, then with horrible thick, orange Pan stick which I pinched from my nans make up bag. So in primary school I either had talc plastered all over my face, or orange pan stick slapped on. It looked dreadful. But she never spoke to me about it or the birthmark or offered to help.

I also had very unruly, frizzy hair. I used to tightly braid it and slap on hair gel so that when it was loose it was sticky and stiff and just awful. I would only wash it once every few weeks as it was so jard
to brush due to the gel. Again, it looked awful. Again, she said nothing. Since my early 20s I have worn my hair very short because I just can’t bear the thought of dealing with that again (irrational, I know).

I could just cry when I see photos of myself at that age. Particularly compared to other, well looked after little girls.

It made me very jealous of all other kids although I could never really articulate it.

Have never been able to figure out what my mum was thinking. She seems to exist in her own little world so I do think there is something not quite right with her. She would be shocked and offended if I ever mentioned any of this and would lash out and somehow try to say it was my fault.

Don’t think I’ll ever get to the bottom of it.

Do you think the period thing might be the trigger for you to reasses how shockingly bad it was of your mum to have left you like that at such a vulnerable time and left you with such uncertainty about your future?

I wonder if you felt at the time like you were quite "grown up" and would get on with things but seeing your daughter at the same age going through the same things made you realise how little and naive and vulnerable you really were. You obviously really needed your mum at that age, like we all do, and she wasn't there for you, and the fact it was her own choice not through illness etc does make her sound like a pretty terrible person tbh.

How was your relationship later? Did it ever really recover or not? It's almost like there's an alternative life where your relationship with both your parents would be completely different, if she'd made different choices.

I had an illustrated book thrown at me, nothing else was said, I didn't know where to get pads from or anything and on a couple of school trips had to relay on toilet paper stuffed in my pants
This was in the early 80's

Parents aren't perfect but your mum let you down in a big way, no doubt about it. You've done well with your own DD. Well done.

At age 13 in the uk in the 90s you will have had years of sex ed where periods and how long they last/how often you get them will have been taught at school.
Also I expect many of your friends will have already started and would have explained thing and talked about them.
I get not having your mum around may have upset you, but at age 13 I think your being unreasonable.
I was 9 my mum was on a foreign country (on holiday) and hadn't had anything explained as I was too young and school didn't start sex ed until p7 now that traumatised my dad

My mum sighed, looked, and said ‘yes, that’s it’ and walked off. Didn’t show me how to use anything, I had to figure it out. Yes I also had a shit childhood, and am still resentful.

No, that is a bit shit, actually, a lot shit.

My parents split up when i was 12 - I started my periods around the same time.

My Mum had already had a chat with me about it, there were pads available.

My Dad, the first week we stayed with him (my younger sister and I) hovered in the sanitary items aisle and said 'I've no idea what you might need but if there is anything, it's down here and we'll figure it out'...

Various family friends also made sure we were ok.

Not good .... you were sold short.

My mum did tell me about them but failed to say they might hurt .... from day one they were agony with flooding and lasted 10 days every time .... utter misery.

And she insisted on me leaving the towels (no tampons!) on the toilet floor so she could "check" them..... whet the heck was that about!

I started at 11 and thought I had cancer! My mum was a prude and never talked about it but told me how to put a pad in when I started and that was that. She also slipped me a booklet on periods that you picked up free, without saying a word.
This was the late 90s too.

Im 65. My mum explained it all to me when I was about 11. She bought some bulky pads and a sanitary belt to put jn the wardrobe ready for when I started. I told my mum when the bloody knickers arrived. Put pads in my wardrobe every month. No bother, just got on with it x

Your feelings are understandable OP, this event has resurfaced all the pain and loss associated with your mum's actions.
Allow yourself to cry and be hurt and angry. Then give yourself a huge pat on the back for who you are and what you have achieved.

I would like to offer an alternative perspective just incase it helps you at all. Your sad story struck a chord with me because I too had an affair and left the family home when my daughter was a similar age. I had already had the period talk with her whilst she was still at primary school and she was and still is able to talk to me about such things. However, whilst of course there was a selfish element in my leaving, what she doesn’t know is that there was a lot of stuff about my relationship with my ex which would be completely inappropriate to tell her, even now as an adult. This may not be the case for your mum of course, but maybe consider that she felt she had no choice?

I think it was more normal back then to not talk to your children about anything compared to now. I had a similar experience with starting mine and my mum lived with me. She never said anything about it! I remember telling my mum I had lost my virginity at 19 and she said "wow I thought you were sexually active at 14!". I remember thinking god you thought your 14year old daughter was having sex and you said nothing?! Nothing about consent self respect relationships contraception stds. Nothing!!! So I do feel your resent. But I think yours goes a little further because she essentially left you when you needed her the most. I would say talk to her about it but you will likely not get the response you need. I would consider therapy to sort through these issues. But to answer your question I think in your circumstances it is normal to feel resent.

What do you mean "no bother just got on with it"?

From what you've said OP I'd say it was normal to feel resentful about what happened during your upbringing but it certainly isn't healthy to feel it so strongly so many years later.

Your mum was shit. So was mine. Al she said was ‘If you find blood on your knickers one day, don’t worry, just come and tell me.’ It must have been obvious i was about to start and when it happened she had no pads or anything else in, late on Saturday afternoon with most of the shops shut.

Anyway congratulations to you for dealing with it better! Your DD is a lucky young woman.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry you had that experience. I remember starting mine when we were out and at the social club. Mother wouldn't take me home and I had to put tissues in my knickers. I had learnt about periods at school (90s) and we'd been sent some home, I think lil lets pads etc. And I'd been so excited to start. Mine hadn't come so I'd forgotten about it and got completely sideswiped by it. I remember feeling so very unimportant and uncared for. Felt uncomfortable and a burden, like it happened at a very inconvenient time for my mother.

I vowed to not be like that with my daughter and made sure she could tell me when it started and to look after her.

I've found parenting my teenager hard as my mother was quite neglectful for a few years due to depression/menopause during my teens, perhaps not her fault but certainly something you wouldn't get away with nowadays without seeking help.

I'm sorry, I hope you can find a way through this. Healing while parenting is not easy but we can learn from mistakes of our parents, that does not necessarily mean to blame them.

How awful for you. You have been really kind to your own daughter as a result. I remember when I asked to speak privately to my mum because I had started my periods. My parents were entertaining guests at the time. She was very good and sorted me out with pads. However, she went back into the room and I heard her announce to all the guests, male and female that I had just started my periods! I then had to walk through their room to go to the bathroom and felt their eyes on me as they stopped talking.I was mortified hearing them joke about it while I went upstairs. I was 15 at the time.

Sorry all those feelings are resurfacing! I never had any chats given by either mum or dad re puberty. When my periods did in fact start, I went to my mum who sent me to my dad who proceeded to help my with pads etc This was the early 70 ‘s.

I could have written this exact post, including DM having fucked off with a new man and never even mentioning periods. I knew a bit from school but it was awful trying to sort it on my own at 13. So, yes, it’s shit.
All you can do is do it differently for your own DC, which you have, so well done you xx