Am I weird, a rubbish friend or both ?

[Chipshopcurryforoneplease]

NC

I have lots of different groups of friends. We arrange to meet up every few weeks, always in the eve. Never a whole day thing, unless a special occasion. And never on a Saturday night. That's prime DH/ family time imo and these friends seemingly have the same mindset. Which is perfect for all of us. We might exchange a few "how are you" type of messages inbetween meet ups. I really love these meet ups with these different groups of friends and the timings of our meet ups and level of contact. Its not super intense. We're there for each other when needed.

And then there is my friendship with A...

... A will message every day, regardless of the time. Later in the week she will ask what im doing at the weekend. She asks this every weekend. This could be a polite "just asking/showing an interest" thing ... or could be fishing to see what time i have free. I always feel it's the later and that I'm having to justify my time. Admittedly, I purposely make my plans sound like I have zero free time all weekend to meet up. Its not that I don't want to see A, but I don't want a whole day out - which is what she can like to do - when it's not a special occasion eg birthday. I rarely want a saturday night out with A as that's my DH/ family time. If i told her this, I think she would be upset. I would see A for a coffee at the weekend, but she then tries to stretch that out for as many hours as she possibly can. A is single. She works FT and has a lot going on generally. A is someone who has to have plans for every hour of the day esp weekend. cannot bear to alone, ever, and cannot do anything alone and has no hobbies.

I now probably sound like a complete selfish bitch and terrible friend. But as I've got older - I'm 52 - I just want to be at home most weekends, in my comfies, away from busy/crowds/noise/people places and interspersed with the occasional 5m run, alone.

Not really sure what the issue is, is she complaining?
She likely just thinks it is better to ask to check you don't randomly want to do something. I had a friend years ago get very upset with me because I hadn't checked if she was free on the the one weekend she actually was, after years of being like you and never wanting to go out.
I don't think it sounds like an actual problem.

Well, neither. You have very set ideas about weekends as sacred family time, and that contact with friends is weeknights only and only every few weeks, interspersed between meetings with few text messages, and that daytime meetings are for special occasions. A hasn’t signed up to your set of ideas about how socialising works. She possibly has no idea that you are annoyed by ‘What are you up to at the weekend!’ because you think she’s pressuring you to see her. No one is making you invent a full weekend schedule to put her off!

You just have different ideas about what weekends and messaging for, and you sound quite critical of her for liking to socialise a lot at werkends.

I appreciate my friends who honestly say, having a quiet one in tonight or having down time to recharge batteries. No issues saying that.

I actually have a friend a bit similar. Whenever I see her it’s like, all day and then she’ll stay for dinner and sometimes stay over? It does make me dread “meeting up” because even if it’s a quick thing it becomes the whole weekend. If I didn’t have a similar friend I’d think you were BU but as someone who relates, it’s so annoying.

I wouldn’t be telling her what I’m actually doing, she doesn’t need to know. Just say “I’ve got a busy one” or similar

Except your friend has actually demonstrated she takes up a lot of time if you see her. Your response is understandable.

The OP on the other hand has invented an entire imaginary scenario that A wants to see her for an entire day at the weekend and tied herself into knots inventing a packed-tight weekend schedule to avoid A. But A never appears to have even asked to see the OP at the weekend. This is all in the OP’s head.

I rarely want a saturday night out with A as that's my DH/ family time. If i told her this, I think she would be upset.

This is just the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Most people I know tend to keep a bit of prime time with their families.

She's ridiculous for possibly getting upset, and you're ridiculous for being bothered by the prospect.

Like most FT workers. I get only 2 days off at the weekend. This time is very precious to me, like it is for everyone. I do not want to spend my time in busy/crowded/people places .. which my friend wants to do. Yes weekend is family time for me .. including seeing my elderly parents, doing things to make my home look/ feel nice and my running hobby. Im out the house all week working FT in the City with early starts, SEN DC to manage, different groups of friends to see in the week/possibly Friday nights, running, DC appts to manage, my own appts and wider family to support at times.

Exactly this! Just be honest, kind but honest.

Well yes but plenty of people who only have weekends off choose to socialise in that time as well. There's no right or wrong way.

Personally I'm usually chilling at home but sometimes go for an afternoon coffee and cake and catch-up with friends.

It sounds like you've missed out some backstory where A has taken over your time? Otherwise 'what are you up to this weekend?' is normal conversation starter!

Her being bored isn’t your issue to solve. I wfh full time and cba going out every weekend with friends.

Me and my colleagues ask each other what we're doing at the weekend. It's just chat, there's never any intention of making plans together. Maybe say one weekend you're just relaxing and see what her response is, it may show what her intentions are for asking and take the pressure off. Although, I do have a friend who will suggest a meet up every time I have a free day so she might be one of them. It does give an opportunity for you to politely say no, thanks but I like to have some time alone with DH/family at the weekends.

Just be honest with A sorry weekends I don’t tend to do anything it’s time spent with DH/Family as we are all busy in the week it’s the only time I get to relax and spend time with my family.
I think you are reading into this far too much just be clear with her even ask her if there’s any hobbies or groups she might look to join to fill her weekends?

I'm single and luckily I have nice, normal friends who don't consider Saturday night to be "prime DH/family time".

Ohh and btw you aren’t weird me and my best friend are polar opposites she loves socialising and having friends over every weekend Friday Saturday that’s how her and her family are I’m the opposite I like my weekend quiet with just me DH and the kids I don’t want to sit in other peoples houses, popping across for a coffee and catch up fine but I’m the age now 40s I want my own comfort after a busy week.

I think you either need to be honest or slowly phase her out of your life. It comes across like you are stringing her along.

This

There you go again! No one is requiring you to justify not wanting to socialise at weekends! A hasn’t asked you to socialise at weekends, as far as I can judge. Why are you so set on believing that she’s trying to pressure you into seeing her?

I’m not single and luckily my partner doesn’t consider Saturday night prime DP time.

If you don’t want to go out with your friend on Saturday nights ever just tell her that.

Her: what are you doing this weekend, chipshopcurry?

You: oh the usual family focused stuff and a bit of running. Might sound boring, but I love my weekends being that way. Quality time with DH and the kids, and recharging, is what my weekends are for.

Because I know what A is like and she has form for it. That sounds awful, but isn't meant to.

Reply to her texts every two or three days or whatever you are comfortable with. Answer her texts about what you are doing on the weekend on Sunday mornin. Keep the weekends for what you like to do and don’t overthink it.
Decide what works for you and then ask her to the cinema next Thursday or whenever you want to see her. When you see her say that was fun, shall we put a date in the diary how about two Tuesdays time etc?

But has she actually ever badgered you to spend a day with her at the weekend, after you’ve said you aren’t free?

Family time is the most important time , OP. Don’t let anything or anyone get in the way of it @Chipshopcurryforoneplease

I understand completely Op. I now never want to.go.out at night, I too prefer my jammies and curling up on the couch. I do think it's important to make the effort, and I enjoy meeting up during the day, but you don't need to take on the role of default social partner for your friend. Tell her your Saturdays with family are non negotiable, if she persists just block her.