Am I weird, a rubbish friend or both ?

[Chipshopcurryforoneplease]

NC

I have lots of different groups of friends. We arrange to meet up every few weeks, always in the eve. Never a whole day thing, unless a special occasion. And never on a Saturday night. That's prime DH/ family time imo and these friends seemingly have the same mindset. Which is perfect for all of us. We might exchange a few "how are you" type of messages inbetween meet ups. I really love these meet ups with these different groups of friends and the timings of our meet ups and level of contact. Its not super intense. We're there for each other when needed.

And then there is my friendship with A...

... A will message every day, regardless of the time. Later in the week she will ask what im doing at the weekend. She asks this every weekend. This could be a polite "just asking/showing an interest" thing ... or could be fishing to see what time i have free. I always feel it's the later and that I'm having to justify my time. Admittedly, I purposely make my plans sound like I have zero free time all weekend to meet up. Its not that I don't want to see A, but I don't want a whole day out - which is what she can like to do - when it's not a special occasion eg birthday. I rarely want a saturday night out with A as that's my DH/ family time. If i told her this, I think she would be upset. I would see A for a coffee at the weekend, but she then tries to stretch that out for as many hours as she possibly can. A is single. She works FT and has a lot going on generally. A is someone who has to have plans for every hour of the day esp weekend. cannot bear to alone, ever, and cannot do anything alone and has no hobbies.

I now probably sound like a complete selfish bitch and terrible friend. But as I've got older - I'm 52 - I just want to be at home most weekends, in my comfies, away from busy/crowds/noise/people places and interspersed with the occasional 5m run, alone.

A should be more self aware.

A chooses to be single. I chose to be married. No smugness about it.

From what you've said, A's annoying habit is staying too long, not insisting on meeting at weekends. Maybe that's what you need to be clearer about whenever you do meet. 'I would love to see that film with you on Tuesday but need to go straight home afterwards, is that OK?'

This. Why do some people make their friendships so complicated. It’s not that hard to be assertive surely.

When i give firm timeframes I'm then made to feel like shit

Me - im good today until 12 for coffee then I'll need to nip off
A - Oh what?? (Said very disappointingly), I wanted to have a long walk (eg) after our coffee and was looking forward to that

I then feel like shit for cutting A short with time

I have a friend who often asks what I'm up to at the weekend and it's totally not about asking to go out as we live hours from each other! Are you sure she's not just asking because it's nice to chat about such things?

But that’s your issue. Don’t let her make you feel like shit. It’s perfectly normal and acceptable when friends meet up to have a time limit, most of us have 2/3 hours we meet up for coffee or lunch or whatever and then we have to leave. I think this is more about your guilt feelings, and honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Meet her for a coffee, then when you’re done give her a hug and a cheery bye and move on with your day.

I don’t think you need to create the impression that you’re going to be super busy at the weekends. Can’t you just be honest about your weekend plans and then if she suggests meeting up, say thank you but I’m looking forward to a quiet chill-out at home so I don’t want to go out or meet up (but I’m looking forward to our next group meet). If she is lonely at the weekends that’s a shame but you don’t have to be available to solve that.

No idea what kind of friend it makes you OP but I'm the same! Home/family time is my joy and I'm not sacrificing it for anyone. I tend to arrange these meet ups for a time when I have somewhere to be after, for example rather than her messaging all the time and getting annoyed when I always say no. I'll message her and say do you fancy meeting 10am Saturday for a coffee/walk? When she agrees I say that's great, will be lovely to see you, I have to collect DC or be wherever at 11.30 so will need to be away by 11am

She sounds a bit intense. I would feel suffocated by this friendship where someone wants to spend the whole day with you and is disappointed when you can't offer that. Life is busy and for lots of families weekends are the only real time to reconnect.

I would leave longer to respond to messages and not give too many details when she asks what I'm upto at the weekend. Just be a bit vague about plans.
'just a busy weekend' 'will see what the family want to do this weekend' etc

Why? Why would you feel like shit?

It’s hard isn’t it? It must be fairly clear to her by now that you aren’t around at the weekend. That’s ok xx

If A is really a friend, why are you not able to have an honest discussion?

Letting someone know that weekends are mostly a 'no' for plans as that's Family Time should not be something we can't say to friends. Just tell her.

And the same goes for plans when meeting. When you're getting, set clear expectations beforehand. How do people not do this? How can you plan your day if you don't know expectations?

Even with my closest, oldest friends, we always have some sort of base plan when meeting up and everyone is clear beforehand if it's an all dayer or a quick cuppa, or lunch with maybe a drink afterwards .

My friends are an extension of my family and are always welcome especially if they are single. I have lots of experience being the single one and it is shite. Whether she 'chose' it or not.

But all you need to say right I need to go, get up.and leave.

@middleagedandinarage

you limit your catch ups with friends to one hour?! Why bother? Just stick with your little family

I find the 'let them' approach useful for this. Your friend has a right to feel however she feels - entitled to your time at the weekend, to know what you're doing every weekend, for full days together when you do meet up, to text you every day... You can just let her, you're not responsible for how she feels, only she is. Let her feel entitled. And let her feel disappointed when she doesn't get what she wants - she's allowed to feel however she feels. You in turn have a right to have your weekends as you like, maybe even need. You need to let yourself have that. Life with kids and work can be a lot, there's no way this makes you a bad friend in my book anyway! If anything, you feel (wrongly) responsible for ensuring she always feels good/gets what she wants but you're really not. We're all grown ups ... I have a friend who comes and stays with us some weekends but I haven't invited her in ages because I just find it difficult, even though I care about her, she tends to stay for a while on the Sunday when I just have stuff to get on with, getting uniforms sorted etc. She doesn't have dc either, I feel she'd be almost offended if I just started cracking on with all my chores ...there can be a kind of tension. So now I just don't invite her, maybe that makes me a bad friend but the airplane thing applies I think, about having to put on your own gas mask first ...

Bit odd to think people aren't nice/normal if they value time with their partner and family.

Saturday is the one day a week when the OP doesn't have to either work, or get up for work the next day. It's the one day when there's no rushing around, no school runs, no fitting everything around a working day and school runs or having to sort things out for work/school the next day.

I don't think there's anything not nice, or not normal, about not wanting to spend that day doing something she doesn't really want to do simply because it happens to suit a bored friend.

It's quite entitled for anyone to assume that their preferences and need for company is more important than their friends' desire to spend time with their own families one day a week. Ultimately, it's very normal for people's own families to be the most important people in their lives.

@TheLastSilverSaint

but does it need to be every single Saturday ??

Agree. That attitude is a bit rubbish.

Yeah this. Op friend just making small talk. She's not offended or desperate to see her for 17 hours straight?

No not all the time. But in response to OP about friend wanting to see her every weekend and for the entire day, I think it's better to offer an hour of your time than constantly be saying no

She will only know you have hours free if you tell her. My friend that is like her will ask what I'm doing on a particular day. I never tell her my schedule or answer questions but say "Why do you ask?" I will tell her if I'm able to have coffee or lunch or a movie maybe.....but I don't let her drag it out. Tell her what you are willing and able to do. If she tries to extend it tell her, like I've suggested, that your social battery has expired, gotta go. You are in charge of you.

Ok, Now you have me giggling with the visual of OP on the ground, her wrist chained to the radiator being tossed biscuits......

It's not always the married thing. Back in the day My friend similar to OP's friend was the married one and I was single. It's like she wanted to be out and about , maybe she wanted a buffer between her and her husband or something. She was this way even when they started having kids. She exhausted me lol. So It's not always married people are like the OP. My friend has gotten much better about it though lol.

Personally I think it is a little weird to never see friends on Saturday nights or for whole day activities, certainly once you are past the small child stage. But that's your preference and you should just be very clear about that with this friend, while still suggesting other times to meet up. If she realises that you apply this to all friends and it isn't personal, then she would be the one who is weird if she can't accept it.