Am I weird, a rubbish friend or both ?

[Chipshopcurryforoneplease]

NC

I have lots of different groups of friends. We arrange to meet up every few weeks, always in the eve. Never a whole day thing, unless a special occasion. And never on a Saturday night. That's prime DH/ family time imo and these friends seemingly have the same mindset. Which is perfect for all of us. We might exchange a few "how are you" type of messages inbetween meet ups. I really love these meet ups with these different groups of friends and the timings of our meet ups and level of contact. Its not super intense. We're there for each other when needed.

And then there is my friendship with A...

... A will message every day, regardless of the time. Later in the week she will ask what im doing at the weekend. She asks this every weekend. This could be a polite "just asking/showing an interest" thing ... or could be fishing to see what time i have free. I always feel it's the later and that I'm having to justify my time. Admittedly, I purposely make my plans sound like I have zero free time all weekend to meet up. Its not that I don't want to see A, but I don't want a whole day out - which is what she can like to do - when it's not a special occasion eg birthday. I rarely want a saturday night out with A as that's my DH/ family time. If i told her this, I think she would be upset. I would see A for a coffee at the weekend, but she then tries to stretch that out for as many hours as she possibly can. A is single. She works FT and has a lot going on generally. A is someone who has to have plans for every hour of the day esp weekend. cannot bear to alone, ever, and cannot do anything alone and has no hobbies.

I now probably sound like a complete selfish bitch and terrible friend. But as I've got older - I'm 52 - I just want to be at home most weekends, in my comfies, away from busy/crowds/noise/people places and interspersed with the occasional 5m run, alone.

Has she even invited you out on a Saturday evening? What do you mean "she has form for it"? "Form" for what? Weekend socialising? I don't understand what you're getting wound up about.

This just sounds like a personality clash to me I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong. You sound quite rigid in when you will socialise (eg never on a Saturday night) whereas she seems more go with the flow week to week, see when someone’s free to meet up. Would it be so bad if every now and again you saw her at the weekend? There’s 52 of them a year. If you really hate the idea of it though just say no.

Could you not include her in a family night in for dinner and a movie? That way she gets company and you don't have to go out. If she does insist she wants to go out you can tell her that you don't want a night out, that's perfectly acceptable.

No. Family time is for family only, not friends.

I don’t understand the issue tbh.

If you don’t want to see her at all, just give her the slow fade or tell her you find the friendship/contact overwhelming.

If you’re happy to see her for coffee every now and then you just say “let’s meet at Blue Cafe at 10:30, I am free until midday then I am going to my mums/the dentist/whatever.

If she's actually a friend just be honest and say you don't go out at weekends these days and spend it with family. And tell her when you are free if she asks. And make it clear that you can only be out about x amount of hours. She sounds more trouble than she's worth, to be honest. If she won't respect your boundaries then let her find someone else to pester.

I often meet a friend for coffee/breakfast on a Saturday or a Sunday - it's the perfect time to have a catch up and then go about the rest of your day! I'm not much one for going out on a Saturday night but I will go if it's a birthday or special occasion of course. Your friend probably feels a bit lonely at the weekend, especially if most of her friends are with their partners and children. If she's a good friend, you could make the effort to see her now and again at the weekend 🤷‍♀️

I don't talk every day to any of my friends. That would be too needy for me. And my DH is my priority. Yeah I make plans with friends on weekends sometimes but as we get older and have families and lives it is what it is. Hang out with her when it's good for you and don't worry about how she takes it. I have a friend that tries to turn every outing into a marathon, and I just don't let her anymore. I tell her my social battery is run out and have to go lol. You are in charge here :)

If A gets even a hint that I have a few hours free at the weekend then she's trying to arrange something. There are only so many times I can say no. Its not that I don't want to see her .. I don't want to spend my day shopping etc. I have a lovely friend with whom I'm arranging a saturday day out with atm.. we will go for a boozy brunch but we both have the same agenda to want to be home by 5/6sh with our partners for the eve. If I see A for a day time event then she expects it to carry on for the whole eve too, regardless of what i say. I have a lot of experience with her on this. She will drag a day time event out to the last inch of the day, because she doesn't want to be home alone/no plans lined up on a Saturday night. Im not her surrogate partner and I'm not responsible for her having plans every Weekend, if that doesn't sound too harsh

Then you just have to spell it out to her before you meet and stick to it.

If you keep making up you have plans and that’s the reason you can’t spend time with her, she’ll assume that you’d want to meet up if she can find an alternative time.

you’re causing this by not being honest.

just say that Saturday nights you like to stay home, chill and recharge. Then suggest an alternative time that you’d be happy to meet her. Or if you don’t want to see her as often, suggest a monthly coffee catch up then at least you’re both on the same page

Yes. I mean, it’s not that complicated..

Friend A has different expectations, your other friends share your values.

IMO you are being a bit precious about your “sacred family time” and it’s healthy to build a robust social network and role model having a life outside of your DC and DH.

It all seems a bit superficial, acquaintance and convenience based, rather than fostering genuine interest and deeper social connection and friendship.

As most of your group are the same, so be it. You and friend A aren’t really compatible though as they want more from a friendship.

I don't understand why you can't communicate this pleasantly to your friend and assert yourself if she starts trying to manipulate the situation to extend her time with you. Good friendships thrive on honesty. If she reacts badly and doesn't respect your boundaries (she does sound quite needy) then you have the option to end the relationship. How much are you getting out of the friendship? I do wonder if a fear of reaching this point has crossed your mind and kept you quiet? Trouble is, your irritation at the difference between you is now starting to be as difficult as the anxiety about asserting yourself. Time to make your mind up, @Chipshopcurryforoneplease

does your partner never fancy going out with his mates on the odd Saturday here and there, OP? @Chipshopcurryforoneplease

You talk as though you have no agency or control over yourself.

When you want to go home, you go home. Why are you acting like she’s chained you to a radiator?

Bizarre.

You just need to be more assertive. She asks you what you are doing you say oh I’m cant meet up this weekend, I’m spending it with the family. Or if you want to meet up but not all day, you just say I have to be home by four or whatever. You don’t need to justify.

What a cold and controlling picture you paint. You’re going to be in for a shock when your children start prioritising friendships over family time.

Family time is DH & DC. When DC start to spread their wings then family time might become more of just DH than with DC .. but its still family time.

How is that controlling ? Its bizarre to call it controlling

Dh has friends but doesn't go out at the weekend. He sees them at running club in the week and maybe for drinks after work in the week (colleagues). Just because he doesn't go out at the weekends doesn't mean i can't .. but when he's out in the week and/or late home from work (can be home 10pm on occasions) and I'm out in the week eves too, we kind of tag team during the week then spend weekends together

I would just say we can a coffee at 10 but will need to be home for 12 or whatever time set you want it doesn't need to be complicated

@Chipshopcurryforoneplease You don't have to be friends with A. If she's too much for you, let the friendship go.

It sounds controlling because of your apparent rigidity that there is no room for friends at the weekend. Most of my weekends are spent with my husband but we both enjoy having friends or children’s friends join us.

Friendships should be nurtured alongside your marriage and children. You don’t know what will happen in the future and you may need the support of your friends.

But it’s your life: do as you please.

Poor A. I hope she finds some single friends. Must be lonely for her constantly getting the brush-off from all of you smug marrieds!

How is it smug? Projecting?