Husband denied receiving money from his mum

[Whenlifegiveslemons]

My husband has been given money by his mum - he has concealed this. I noticed it on his bank statement & asked him outright & he denied it. Ive checked again & my eyes arent decieving me, its there in black & white.

i'm really mad about it because it shows he isnt honest & has comfortably lied to my face. He is fairly selfish with money in general, he pays most of our bills, I work part time & struggle on a small wage as do the lions share of parenting. Its £1500.

For context, we've been married 10 years, 2 young children & marriage isnt a happy one.

Am I over reacting? How would you feel?

Well I am guessing there a litany of issues going on here and you have given us a teeny tiny fraction of that

I have dated a tight man and my ex is tight till this day! I ended our relationship over it. He has not changed.

I would organise your life. Its a red flag. I would of leave him tbh.

Very true but i'm asking for advice re the money & how others would feel.

Your last thread was about you planning a divorce so perhaps his mother has given him that for legal fees

If it’s a gift from his mum to him, I’m not sure it’s any business of yours. If your mum gave you a monetary gift, would you be prepared to share it?

The lying is a different matter. Maybe ask him - and yourself - why he does this?

Why are you struggling on a small wage? - you’re part of a couple with joint income. Do you think your reaction maybe part of an greater underlying feeling of inequality?

There are two issues really.

One is not so much about the money, it's about the lying. That is unacceptable, and means you can't really trust him.

You are struggling to manage on your earnings. You say he is selfish with money. Do you have free access to joint family money, or does he control the finances and won't allow you to have enough?

Not sharing money in a happy marriage is very different to not sharing money in an unhappy marriage. The not sharing or being honest is a symptom of the state of your relationship. You can’t really separate it out. I would take it as a sign to get your own financial ducks in a row.

He pays most of the bills which is half of his salary but yes it isnt fairly distributed & yes there is an underlying issue here that feels unequal, tried to have that conversation many times but it ends in a row & no change. He wouldn't admit, but i think he is very selfish with money.

Why does he keep money from you ?.you are not married to a reasonable man. In my crazy opinion once you are married you should be sharing the money that rolls in regularly..I can see you've accepted this situation but to my mind it's not fair. You are partners and you should be able to share the Dosh equally.

This money was given back in Jan, prior to those conversations & in terms of divorce, neither of us have acted on that yet.

I completely agree, a friends have their salaries both in to one account & shared. Ours aren't like that. Ive suggested it & he has agreed but he is never forthcoming with reassessing our finances/distribution of earnings so it feels difficult to always be the one asking for money, i've always been hyper independent & have a scarity mindset with money so asking for change, in my mind is extremely hard.

I see what you're saying, another example of his/mine & not ours, as it should be. Thats a stark reminder. I have no savings of my own, no family support to loan money, no access to "our" savings - i just cant do that, i dont have the means to.

Well you are going to have to make a hard decision.. I don't think I can help any more..He sounds mean- do you want to see out your days hitched to a mean person?.

I dont have access to "our" savings.

He puts money in the joint account that just about covers bills, if I need something outside of that I have to pay for it - with very tight means, all the money i earn is accounted for on car/phone/food. Writing this out, it isnt right at all.

I've saved so hard for the last 2 years to pay for a holiday for us. If it were up to him, I dont know if we'd go away but he is on such a good salary, it blows my mind. He has about 1k left each month once all bills are covered, I calculated today.

@Whenlifegiveslemons Sweetheart, he is not 'selfish' with money, he is financially controlling. That is abuse.

Please start making plans to divorce your abuser. I'm guessing (if you own your home) that the house is in his sole name, and he pays the mortgage out of his account. He'll think that protects him from you having any of it. Well, it doesn't.

You are bring financially abused by him and such men are not solely financially abusive either. It’s over between you and he because of the abuse which is about power and control. He wants absolute here over you and sees you only as an uncomplaining domestic appliance.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I would assume he asks you for receipts and expects you to justify your spending to the last penny. I would also think he buys clothes and visits places like the dentist and opticians far more often than you do.

The mortgage gets paid out of our joint account & the mortgage is in both of our names. I do agree he has the power of money, ive been lax I guess as I've spent recent years on maternity leave/prioritising raising our children. I dont he is intentionally this way, he is generally very good natured. I've allowed the current set up, so maybe thats partly me being too permissive about finances?

Are you divorcing him?

I thought he was planning on divorcing you and had told his family?

He doesnt ask for receipts no & I don't have to justify, most family spends can be seen in the account. Ive recently started spending money on myself & prioritising this, as he has always spent money on his hobbies & an annual trip away with friends which i've felt unfair as i havent ever had much disposable income.

It was a present from his Mum. Why is it your business. Other way round everyone would be saying financial abuse.

No we didnt get to that point yet - he had shared with family we were having marriage issues but not divorce (as far as I know!)

Op you have started multiple threads about how the marriage has been in a very very dark place for years.

and yes… you said you discovered he had been planning a divorce

How do you know it was a present? And why deny it/hide it, thats the issue. I've have no issue with being gifted money, we could do with it - but if I got gifted any, i'd share that with my husband without question.