Husband denied receiving money from his mum

[Whenlifegiveslemons]

My husband has been given money by his mum - he has concealed this. I noticed it on his bank statement & asked him outright & he denied it. Ive checked again & my eyes arent decieving me, its there in black & white.

i'm really mad about it because it shows he isnt honest & has comfortably lied to my face. He is fairly selfish with money in general, he pays most of our bills, I work part time & struggle on a small wage as do the lions share of parenting. Its £1500.

For context, we've been married 10 years, 2 young children & marriage isnt a happy one.

Am I over reacting? How would you feel?

You just need to tell him that you are not willing to adjust your working hours around the children either anymore so from now on you do 50-50 of the drop offs and pick ups. He can't unilaterally decide that he can't do his share.

If I was having marriage issues and maybe heading for divorce, I wouldn’t share this money information either. I’d be keeping it.

If I was in a happy marriage, I would share the info and decide together what to use it for, unless it was a loan I had organised with my mum to help with something specific.

@Whenlifegiveslemons check why she gave it in the first place and go from there.

We had a conversation last night & discussed finances & he agreed to increase how much he pays to the joint account to cover bills etc. We also discussed this money & how he lied about receiving it, he completely changed what he had said months ago & said he hadnt denied receiving the money. Back then - i asked him if his mum had given him money to cover his tax bill (it was within days of end of year & I knew he had a bill to pay) & he said "no, she didnt give me money to pay my tax bill". I remember the conversation so vividly as his demenaour was so calm when he said this & i questioned what i had seen, as trust him entirely. I didnt pursue it further. Last night he said, he answered that his mum hadn't given him money for his tax bill BUT she had gifted him money he used it to pay the tax bill, in his eyes they are 2 different things and he didnt lie - in mine its the same & he 100% did.

She gave it to him as a gift to spend as he pleases, he didnt share that info when we had this conversation last time - instead he led me to believe I was imagining this payment i had seen on a statement.

Again, this makes me question so much more - his ability to manipulate with words & decieve & conceal. He had a bonus this year & a 1.5k gift & didnt book us a family holiday, I scrimped to pay for one & am still paying it off.

He said it was a gift from her, some money she had recieved she shared with her children. She has done this before & previously he has told me about it, maybe twice before & we used to to buy garden furniture.

I dont have an issue with him being gifted money but lieing about it is the issue here. But as some have said, I guess its to be expected when we arent in a happy marriage.

Yes, I think that’s probably the case.

Can you sort your marriage out?

Agree 100% with this comment.

I considered this but things had improved. The holiday wasnt an expensive one, but im pay it off now still so I dont have the money you may assume.

It was a gift from his mother.
She would be worrying about you all and trying to take away some stress.

The lying is not good.

Keep hold of any savings rather than going on a holiday. You can not afford a holiday if you are still paying it off.

Once the children are in school, you are back working more hours and you have something in savings, you will be able to reassess your course of action.

If I was given money from my mum id spent it on a holiday/couple of nights away for us all

I will be doing this. The only way I can increase my income & reduce my money stress/gain financial security is to work more. So he needs to step up & stop making it difficult for me to do this.

I guess the lying about the gift feels like a big thing to you because he's so mean & secretive about money the rest of the time. He's keeping you financially strapped, while he controls the money, and you do all the unpaid childcare.
It is really awful going through a divorce with a man like this - I can see why you don't want to do it tbh. If he does end up divorcing you, know that he won't be your friend, it won't be amicable - he will try to keep as much of "his" money as he can. So beware. Keep on top of the finances - if you do divorce, you are entitled to an equal share of the assets, even though he will see it as "his" money.
Maximise your earnings now, and make him do his 50% of childcare. It's simply unfair that you've taken on the childcare, while he earns and controls the money. Your sort of set-up only works if all the money is shared IMO.

This sounds like a very unhappy marriage and a dark family home, for years.

I too would siphon off money from family in this marriage, and I think you should too if you are ever given money

Hi OP, did you discuss with him the fact that you are still paying off the family holiday out of your lower earnings, while he has cash left over at the end of every month?

Surely you can see that this is grossly unfair, if not abusive?

If you can't get him to see things differently, which seems unlikely, then you really don't have much choice but to divorce, otherwise this stressful, unfair life will be yours for many years to come. Don't put yourself through that!

I didn't explicity say this, I really struggle to be vulnerable & ask for help/show weakness. But he knows what i earn, i'm on min wage. It is very stressful & very unfair - i just dont know how id ever be able to navigate divorce alone, I have no savings & no access to any & no family to help. I feel entirely stuck.

None of it matters really if your relationship isn’t happy.

i don’t always agree with the abuse- financially controlling thing because it depends on so much. I always say I read a thread once on x, man saying his gf thought it was unfair he wanted a 50/50 split with bills when she earned a third of what he did. Men said eff her, women said how dare you!!! Men believe they’ve earned what they have and everyone should just split bills or earn more and that women are trying to get their money etc etc

Is he selfish or the saver, trying to put money aside? I always thought dh was totally selfish and then when he said ok look we’ll figure it out together and stopped I realised all the things we’d been arguing about that he now let me off with, meant we weren’t saving anything and when I added our ‘I stopped into the petrol station and we got ice creams’ or ‘ I decided the kids needed new stationary instead of what they had’ we were spending a fair bit a month that could have been saved (could have gotten a six pack from Aldi for example instead of spending 15 quid!

saying that none of it matters because he’s lying and you don’t believe in his intentions. Honestly I’d get putting as much money aside as possible for yourself just in case but I’d talk to him again. I’m so sorry op

I always assumed he saved money each month but he doesnt, I realised that this year. He has a few memberships that equal about £200 a month, which he wont cancel. I think he lives to be comfortable with his money.

In our conversation last night we did talk about ways to cut back & that falls a lot on him as his disposable money just flitters away, coffees & buying lunches most days, cancelling unused subscriptions. Im really quite savvy as I dont have much money to waste.

I guess the point is, the marriage isnt happy, we arent equal & thats where the change needs to come from be it divorce or gaining some financial independence at least.

I think the problem is if you split he could continue to afford all those extras (which to be fair some are deserved, I never think people should cut everything or why do they work?), but I do think you need to get a pot for yourself independently of him just in case (as someone with marriage issues but no money who is scrambling)

I can't imagine why you accept that he doesn't pay anything towards a family holiday. That is not fair or reasonable. If he thinks it is he is not being reasonable.

You really do need to find a way out . Good luck

My heart breaks for you @Whenlifegiveslemons . Ending a marriage is awful. I would organise the couples counselling and give it a go. At least then if it doesn’t work out you can say you tried which is more than he appears to be doing.

@Whenlifegiveslemons

OP, this sounds really hard. Relationships are messy.

It may be worth talking to DA support to better understand financial abuse, whether what he is doing is, or isn’t. Same with gaslighting.

Family holiday - assuming he’s also attending, comes from family pot. End of, with proportional contributions related to income. 70/30 split, or whatever. If he’s not paying, leave him behind!

Consider wrap around childcare, (Childminder? Clubs?) so you can earn more rather than him reducing his hours. Payment for this also from joint pot. Sadly, seems you’d have to be the one to organise it, but there you go… 🙄 🤷‍♀️

Money spent on food for family comes from joint pot. Costs have increased, maybe he’s not aware as doesn’t do the shopping. He’s agreed to put more in. Make sure he follows through. Like with all the other promises he makes, make sure, he follows through. Sit there with him while he does it. It doesn’t have to be confrontational, or aggressive, but he needs to do it. How he responds to this will be very telling. Always making excuses and avoiding, not good!! If appreciates the support because he gets distracted and forgets, not so bad.

Don’t be afraid to fight for fairness and what you’re entitled to. They’re his children too. Costs for them - joint pot!

Good luck!

@Whenlifegiveslemons

Also this. He’s agreed in theory. See if he actually engages…. Again, it will be informative one way or the other.

AND IT COMES FROM THE SHARED POT!!

I would bet a lot that your husband definitely saves OP.

This is not a family that should be going on holiday. Can you cancel and save your money for legal fees?

Do you have family?

How old are the children?

Agree.

Act on that divorce, OP. I bet he is.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate what you've said here & all very fair. Thank you x